SBHook Posted April 20, 2014 Posted April 20, 2014 (edited) Hello there. I was wondering if I could get some enlightenment from all of you on my current situation. So here's the story: I first met this person at work, in 2012. He was a workmate. I found him attractive. Turned out, a couple months later, we started seeing each other. I went into it very casually, very slowly. I was still a tiny bit heartbroken by my previous relationship. On our first "date" -- which it totally happened by chance, btw -- I found out he had a girlfriend. Something I was completely unaware of. I was taken aback. I learned about this as I noticed his mobile phone didn't stop ringing while we were at his place and while I encouraged him to pick up, as I could see it could have been important. But he kept dismissing it. I saw it as he wanted to "focus" on my company. But then... he very "ashamedly" dropped the words "It's not important. It's just my. . . girlfriend." I told him very calmly that I did not know he had a girlfriend. I told him I had to go as she could show up at any minute. But then he explained me that she lived in Russia. I was less scared but still uncomfortable. Days went by and we continued enjoying each other's company at work and etc. I never asked about his situation with his then girlfriend. But I could feel we two were making progress ourselves. I figured it wasn't my business, nor my place, to demand anything from him but I felt he was liking me. So I thought that if anyone would decide to end a relationship, it would be himself alone, based on his feelings and the experiences he was going through with me. Months went by and we were definately "dating". I learned from him at some point (couldn't remember when) that he and his then girlfriend had broke-up. I believe he did it himself. A year or so went by, we were so good together. A real team. Our personalities matched. Our interested matched. We had a great time with one another and enjoyed each other's company a lot! And the one day I started receiving angry texts from a certain someone wishing all kind of bad things to me. I figured it was her. His ex-girlfriend. He agreed with me. He let me know he had received a similar kind of email himself. I wasn't bothered by her or by none of this. I was confident I was a good girlfriend and that he loved me and that I made him happy. I believed her attitude was only proving to him that she was bad news and that I was a "cool" girl. And we both kept on living our lives just as if nothing had happened. With full trust on one another. My family met him. I met his family. Our workmates supported our relationship. He was a good boy. I'm 25 now. He's 28. He is rather shy. He's not a "party boy". He's not the one to have a crowd. Or to have several guy friends to hang out with. That's why I had confidence in his loyalty. I believe he would not cheat on my so easily. Not that I would not "tease" him on that. I would tease him occasionaly that he would cheat on me. That he would throw parties at his place and call pretty girls. That he was looking at some other girl while we were out. I was teasing. He knew that. I did that to make him feel "wanted", "fought for", "manly". You know what I mean? He would always laugh at it and guarantee me that he only wanted me. Anyways... almost two years went by and we were strong as ever. Just as in the beginning. We never fought. We could have the occasional disagreement about a third subject once in a while but we would make up soon after. It was not worth it. We loved each other and wanted to enjoy each other's company. He was a real partner. He would help me on several things. I would help him on several things. He was my first long-term boyfriend and I had always been aware that when I entered a relationship, I would try to help out my boyfriend and his life. I was very aware that I did not want to be anyone's burden. And so it happened. He told me several times along the years that I was such a "cool" girlfriend. Loving, caring, supportive, understanding and etc. He was the same thing with me. We were good together. But then, one day, we were having a few days off from work and just as usual I was expecting him to come to my place. We had agreed on it, beforehand, even though it had always been a unspoken agreement in a way. In the last minute, at work -- as I was expecting to come home with me after it -- I learned he was not coming home with me because he need to help his mom in a house thing. I was very bummed but I agreed. I'm not the one to want to separate a person from his family. Fine. Day two arrived, I learned that his mother was going on a trip and she asked him to spend the next day with her as she was was going to be off for the WEEKEND! I was upset. I understood her. I understood him, but I was still upset. I didn't argue with him. I was upset because it was a two day trip. It was not like she was going away for six months. Fine. I accepted it. Day three arrived and again he came up with an excuse for not coming to my place. By this time I was heartbroken. I told him he was making up excuses for not wanting to be with me. I told him I couldn't understand why. He told me they were not excuses. They were real things. And it was not he didn't want to be with me. We were speaking late at night over the phone, he told me he would talk with me on the next day. I agreed with him. Day three arrived, it was no longer my day off but it was still his. I went to work. He never called me. We never talked about "it" that day. Day four, we went to work normally. I was sad by all that had happened but I never once flipped out on him. Yes, I had told him things, and how I felt about things but it was never a heated argument. I never cursed him. But on that day he was "weird". The entire day. He was down. Very down. People would ask me if there was anything wrong with him. I told them "no" (thinking I knew things). I thought he was down because I "scolded" him two days before for not coming spend time with me. At some point he very weakly told me he had to tell me something. I asked him what was it. He would says "later". I kept on being playful and asking a few more times what it was that he had to tell me. He would always tell me he would tell me later. It went like this for a couple of days. I thought bad things and good things. I thought he would make a good surprise to me, so that's why I didn't push him more on telling me what it was right away. I thought it would be more "good" that "bad". Anyways... one day we went to eat after work and I again asked him what it was that he had to tell me. He made it known that he didn't want to say it. But very weakly. I started suggesting things calmly. "Have you been kicked out of your place?", "have you fought with your family?", "are you breaking up with me?", "are you getting fired?", and he would dismiss all of the things very ashmedly. Then I went hardcore, "did you hook up with another woman?" Even though I had asked him that question before over the last couple of days, it was the first time he started to admit it. He had been with another woman. I took seriously but I was still hoping it was joke. "Are you serious?", very composed. "Is that a joke?" I could tell him he was ashamed. Couldn't even look at my eyes. After I understood it was real, I asked "who's is she?". He told me that it didn't matter. But at the same time I couldn't put my fingers on who could it be. We worked together. He has zero girl friends. Then I threw the name of his ex-girlfriend, the russian. And he confirmed. I was shocked! "Since when is this girl here?", "why did you do that?", "how long have you two been in touch?" I learned she had moved here. She would work here. They had been in touch for a week before the incident happened. The incident being a kiss, as I learned later. But what tear my heart the most was the reason he gave me for doing that, "I like her", he admited cowardly. I left right away. I left him seating alone in the restaurant. I did not flip out. I was holding my tears back. I wanted to sob. To cry out loud at this huuuuuge betrayal. I always told him we were a team. He would always tell me we were a team. I almost died when I arrived home that night. My parents helped me the whole way. I texted him a few hours later saying we still needed to finish the conversation, as I had left before we came to that. He agreed. He said he couldn't sleep. He felt horrible. He felt like crap -- his own words. On the next day I ignored him COMPLETELY at work. I shut him out. Everyone could tell something was wrong. He was a mess. I was pretending I was fine. I was laughing with my friends and etc. He was all alone at work. He was missing the proximity we used to have at work. At the end of our shift I call him over and asked him "are you going to talk with me decently this time?", and he very ashmedly said he would. The conversation was not very productive as he is a very reserved guy. But at least I got to speak a lot. I told him that I would not be breaking up with him myself because he had to have the balls to do it himself -- even though I had every right to do it myself first. I was being tough. We spent a couple hours talking after work. I made a decision in my mind that I wanted to be with him, that I would forgive him and as I could see he was feeling very guilty over the incident, I took it as he wanted to be with me. Towards the end of it, he reached for my hand a few times. I played upset and removed it. At one point, for some reason, we changed seats and he was siting by my side. He tested the waters and put his arms around the bench behind me. I pretend I hadn't noticed it. I was getting good vibes concerning his real feelings. At one point he slowly started approaching my face, like he was about to kiss and make up. It was a very tender, light peck. I accepted it. I knew I wanted to be with him. But I also knew that I would make him work for it. Granting that kiss would be my way of letting him know that he could proceed with trying to win me again. It was like a green light. Anyways... then things started getting out of hand. On the course of the entire next month, every time we would sit down and talk about things he would say he wanted to be alone "from now on". He would confirm me that we were "broken up". But not like he gave me talk. But because I would say "so, is that it? we are broken up?", and he hesitantly would say "yes...." We had countless of talks during the almost two months after the incident. At two particular occasions he cried. Not sobbed. But he would tear away. I felt sorry for him but I couldn't understand why. I know guys don't talk about feelings. Guys don't discuss relationships with their girls. But he was so weird. I told him several times that he should talk to me about it too. Make an effort. Just give me some light on which direction we would be going in the future. Big mistake, I know. I learned that he was NOT back with his ex-girlfriend. He was true to his words of wanting to be alone. I learned about it through several circumstances. To this day, I know they are not back together. Even though we work together, I went No Contact with him, about three weeks ago. I would be cordial with him. Polite. But I would not touch that subject anymore. I would not spend time with him after work again. In the meantime, I hooked up with a guy. It happened once. It helped me get my head off my ex-boyfriend. It helped me say in no contact with him. I could sense my ex-boyfriend trying to stay close to me during work, constantly. Before I went NC with him, he would aways bring me little treats. Whether it was candy, a soda, or a snack he grabbed somewhere. I sensed it was a good sign, but whenever I would try talk things over with him, he would confirm we were not getting back together anytime soon. Crushed. I'm probably forgetting about several details here. But that's about it. One day, he made sure to me he wanted to stay close to me. He asked if I would still be his friend. I just don't understand how come he can stay away from me for so long? Okay. He needed time. But he never said it with such words. He always say he liked me. That the problem was not me, it was him. Even though that's a huge cliche. He was devasted when he thought I was shutting him out completely. He tried to kiss me once. He used to bring me little treats. I was a very good girlfriend. I know that. Because I made an effort. His russian ex-girlfriend started following me on a social network and there were some reblogs of romantic sayings on her page (the description of her page is: "what is mine is mine, and i'll get it from whoever it is now", by the way). I jokingly told him about this fact and told him about the sayings. I asked him if he wanted to know, he said he didn't. I jokinglly told him "C'mon! It's cool. LOL. It was not written by her and it's not directly written to you. It's just a repost", he would lower his head down and say he didn't want to know. Like he was ashamed of his past. Not like he was hiding something from me. I took it as good sign as he doesn't want to hear about her anymore. I'm not touching the subject of us anymore with him, because I know I will leave the conversation crushed that we are not getting back together anytime soon. And that I should take the high road. I only fought for him earlier so that I would know that I did my best to be with him. I made it clear. I made him understand. With every letter. If you ask him, he will say he wants to be alone yet his actions show otherwise. I don't want him to be back with me out of convenience, just because he sees me basically everyday. A workmate of ours, whom we both are very close to, tells me he will stay with me. She says she can see he wants to be with me. But she doesn't get it what's going on either. She gives me plenty of wise advice. I agree with her wholeheartedly. But you see? I'm not the only one getting the vibe that he still likes me and wants the proximity. I would understand if he asked me for a "break", if he asked me to wait for him. He told me once that he would not ask me to wait for him as it would be unfair to me. But he could have asked for it and risked loosing me, either way. I would have waited. I would have pretend I was moving on with my life but I would still give in when he started to return to my life. *sighs* I'm much better these days. But it's still annoying... Will this ever end? Sorry about the long post, you guys. Thank you for you understanding. Edited April 20, 2014 by SBHook Grammatical erros
Jiivy Posted April 20, 2014 Posted April 20, 2014 The biggest red flag was the start of your relationship. You were involved with a guy who was involved with someone else and yet you continued...it was a foolish mistake to think that he wouldn't do to you what he did to her. What makes you ANY different to his ex? Look - we all have our own perception of what love is, how it works. Some of us simply absolve ourselves from the responsibility of trying, "you just fall in and out of love. It's one of those things" they say. Others feel that love is a commitment that stays strong with choice. There are always going to be lower times and higher times, but as a couple you should work through them. If a couple are open about their problems and have worked through them together as a team but can't resolve - then fine, go your seperate ways At least you both tried. Personally I am of the latter persuation. To me, that is a mature & grown up view of relationships. Your boyfriend isn't coming back any time soon. If at all...and tell me, now that you've experienced this side of heartbreak - how do you feel about commitment now? This is an experience that's suppose to teach you something. For the love of God find out what that is and remember it. 1
Author SBHook Posted April 20, 2014 Author Posted April 20, 2014 (edited) The biggest red flag was the start of your relationship. You were involved with a guy who was involved with someone else and yet you continued...it was a foolish mistake to think that he wouldn't do to you what he did to her. What makes you ANY different to his ex? I completely agree with you. But the thing is, we kept on being friends for a while. When we started to be intimate with one another, I took it as he had break up with his ex-gf. I got the confirmation some time later. While it was wrong the beginning of our relationship, life is messy. It's not orderly. I wish it was black and white: Guy is in a relationship > Breaks up with girlfriend > Meets another girl > Starts a relationship with her. But it's not such a thing. There are overlaps. It's not cool. But I believe it's how you deal with them that it determines the outcome of the new relationship. And as I said, we proceeded carefully and he's not the one to treat anyone badly or violently. That's why I believe we had a successful relationship for almost two years. Edited April 20, 2014 by SBHook
TaraMaiden Posted April 20, 2014 Posted April 20, 2014 No. YOU had a successful relationship for two years. He was a flake and still is. There ARE faithful guys out there; guys who will worship the ground you walk on, and envisage dying with you at their side. Mine is like that. I found him when I was 47, so don't think it can't ever, or will never happen. But never entertain anyone who HAS a relationship going. The minute you discover that - walk. in the opposite direction. because until they break up with them, you are always the option. And sadly, it seems you always were. 3
Author SBHook Posted April 20, 2014 Author Posted April 20, 2014 No. There ARE faithful guys out there; guys who will worship the ground you walk on, and envisage dying with you at their side. He was like that with me. One can sense when someone is happy and satisfied with you. He complimented me. Mine is like that. I found him when I was 47, so don't think it can't ever, or will never happen. That's very sweet. But never entertain anyone who HAS a relationship going. The minute you discover that - walk. in the opposite direction. because until they break up with them, you are always the option. And sadly, it seems you always were. I could have been indeed but I never felt this way throughout this almost two years. I actually felt he was giving up on everything he had before, when he started seeing me. I neved demanded him anything. But I could feel his excitement towards me during the initial courtship.
TaraMaiden Posted April 20, 2014 Posted April 20, 2014 I wish Relationships could be like painting-by-numbers; but sadly they never are. We fly by the seat of our pants with no instructions, guidelines of manuals. We get to fill in the spaces as well we can, with what we think we know. And then, rather like Bert's pavement chalk paintings, all it takes is a rainy day.... I'm sorry you had to go through so much, and come out with nothing but the experience. Don't go back; never re-trace your steps in the hope the ride will be better. it never will be. But I hope this doesn't leave you jaded, demoralised or mistrustful. That really would be the tragedy of the piece. 3
Marco Valerio Posted April 20, 2014 Posted April 20, 2014 I think you should give him the space he needs to resolve his needs in life. You deserve to be with someone that wants for sure a relationship with you, without doubts or cheating. Do not accept less than what you give in a relationship. Relationships should be equal towards one another. My past relationship was somenthing alike yours, I did everything fo the other person and what what I got from her was lies and cheating. Look for someone else that trully wants to be with you.
Author SBHook Posted April 20, 2014 Author Posted April 20, 2014 I think you should give him the space he needs to resolve his needs in life. You deserve to be with someone that wants for sure a relationship with you, without doubts or cheating. Do not accept less than what you give in a relationship. Relationships should be equal towards one another. My past relationship was somenthing alike yours, I did everything fo the other person and what what I got from her was lies and cheating. Look for someone else that trully wants to be with you. I agree. I want nothing more than that too. But the thing is, I don't know if it's over with my ex-boyfriend? Of course, one can never know. Plenty of things can happen in the future. But I still don't feel closure, you know? He claims the closure is the fact we are no longer together, and yet he acts as if he's still with me. Another example is him playing tricks at me, like hiding in places so that I get scared when he shows up. Or walking faster so that he can walk by my side (when we are walking with a group of friends.)
Jiivy Posted April 20, 2014 Posted April 20, 2014 I wish I could tell you it might not be done, that he'll come back - hell I wish I could even tell you the opposite and do it with complete conviction. I've learnt in the past month of my breakup that there are no certainties here. That really sucks, that huge pit of unknowns. But it's there and the advice here is pretty damn stellar. I don't expect it to all land today...but let it sink in.
TaraMaiden Posted April 20, 2014 Posted April 20, 2014 I agree. I want nothing more than that too. But the thing is, I don't know if it's over with my ex-boyfriend? Of course, one can never know. Plenty of things can happen in the future. But I still don't feel closure, you know? Closure comes from you - not him. He claims the closure is the fact we are no longer together, and yet he acts as if he's still with me. Another example is him playing tricks at me, like hiding in places so that I get scared when he shows up. Or walking faster so that he can walk by my side (when we are walking with a group of friends.) He's messing with your mind. you have to set the boundary of what you WILL stand for - and WON'T stand for. If his behaviour puzzles you, leaves you bewildered and irritates you for the mixed messages it sends you - do NOT put up with it. It's a form of 'Breadcrumbs' (read the No Contact Guide in my signature for clarification.)
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