sarah531 Posted April 20, 2014 Posted April 20, 2014 Hi everyone, I was just wondering if anyone has gone through this same thing and could maybe help me figure something out as much as can be offered over the internet. Almost two years ago, my boyfriend was killed in a car accident. Very tragedic as anyone would imagine. I started counseling a week after his funeral and we got in touch with a lot of methods to help me grieve. I am doing well in school and didn't stop going at all, I found outlets to release tension like working out, meditating, ceramics, school work, and just a bunch of other fun things. I have a supportive family and great friends! They have all been supportive through everything. My boyfriend and I were in engaged to be married. We wanted to get married in 2015, the year I would be graduating college, but that has all obviously changed. 8 months after the accident, I started talking to a guy. We weren't ever intimate right away, but we talked on a daily basis and we expressed that we did like each other, but I didn't want to run into a relationship or to even think about it yet at the time. He had been so supportive and caring about everything I was going through and I felt that besides my counselor, I had someone else to talk to about things that would bother me and things were looking up for me. A year and a half later, I figured I could try the dating thing to see how it would work out. I care about this guy and cherish the fun times we have had. Yes, we have had sex and it was a safe environment for me. Something I was willing to allow happen and something that I was completely okay and ready for. There are reciprocated feelings for each other and there is a level of care that we have for each other. So the further I get away from the accident, day by day. The more I feel less dependent on leaning on my deceased boyfriend. Only there are days where I do miss him, I do cry a little when remembering memories, or even anniversaries. So how do I share those moments with the guy I am dating right now? Do I share them? I have a couple times and it was awkward. He didn't know what to do or to say and I felt like I would just be sad and there was nothing there. I understand it's hard to like someone and care for them and then for the person who lost somone cry about them when there are separate feelings. Understand, I am not looking for marriage advice or anything, but I know that since I am still young (21 years) I will date and see other people in anyway it goes. Have you experienced this? What has helped you with this awkward "letting people in" stage?
veggirl Posted April 20, 2014 Posted April 20, 2014 Wow, that is a tough situation, I'm sorry for your loss. What do you want from the new guy when you have these moments? Do you want comfort? it's okay if you don't. I understand it must be awkward, for both of you. Ugh what a tricky spot, I'm sorry I don't have much advice to offer, I'm sure others will though
Author sarah531 Posted April 20, 2014 Author Posted April 20, 2014 I do want some kind of support, it feels like listening isn't enough sometmes. Or maybe that's selfish, I don't know.
ExpatInItaly Posted April 20, 2014 Posted April 20, 2014 I am very sorry for your loss, OP. I have been in a similar situation so I do understand what you're experiencing. I lost an ex-boyfriend in an accident 15 years ago now, and I struggled in the first relationship after that, too. My best advice is to not share those sad moments with your current boyfriend, as far as possible. I don't mean to say you should be dishonest with him, but try to avoid opening up the floodgates in these situations. He certainly knows about your loss and I'm sure will get why you're sad sometimes. But there is a very fine balance between letting your current partner know that some things might trigger you and being honest when they do, and grieving to the current partner about the loss. In my experience, it is better to grieve with a friend or family member or counselor. When you feel a sad moment coming on, contact one of them to work through it with you. Your current boyfriend can be supportive but shouldn't be the one absorbing your grief. I let that happen a couple times and it put a big strain on the relationship. My now-ex didn't really know how to respond, of course, and it was very uncomfortable for him. If you want, please PM me. I can say it does get better with time but never goes away completely. You will learn more ways to cope and remember him fondly rather than just the raw pain of the loss. I wish your strength. And *hugs* to you. 2
LittleTiger Posted April 20, 2014 Posted April 20, 2014 I can empathise - unfortunately - and I am very sorry for your loss. My ex husband died last year. We had been friends for 40 years and were together as a couple for 13 of those years. I was, and still am, completely devastated by his loss and I'm starting counselling again because I know there are things I haven't dealt with. Two years is such a short time - it's been 15 months for me and it still feels as though it happened yesterday. I do talk to my new partner about my ex sometimes. I've had some really tough times when I've broken down in tears and, if my guy is there when it happens, so be it. Grief is something that you can't control or confine to 'appropriate' situations. I'm sure it isn't easy to see someone you love crying over somebody else but, the death of someone close, especially unexpectedly at a young age, is so different from any other life experience. Unless you've been through it, you probably can't appreciate the enormity of the hole that's left behind. I would do your best not to overburden a new partner with your grief but, at the same time, if he can't accept that you're grieving and support you, he's probably not going to be a keeper.
Author sarah531 Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 Thank you for the support! It's definitely an interesting situation when you want to go to the person you currently connect really well with even when you go to them with just about everything!
todreaminblue Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 I am very sorry for your loss, OP. I have been in a similar situation so I do understand what you're experiencing. I lost an ex-boyfriend in an accident 15 years ago now, and I struggled in the first relationship after that, too. My best advice is to not share those sad moments with your current boyfriend, as far as possible. I don't mean to say you should be dishonest with him, but try to avoid opening up the floodgates in these situations. He certainly knows about your loss and I'm sure will get why you're sad sometimes. But there is a very fine balance between letting your current partner know that some things might trigger you and being honest when they do, and grieving to the current partner about the loss. In my experience, it is better to grieve with a friend or family member or counselor. When you feel a sad moment coming on, contact one of them to work through it with you. Your current boyfriend can be supportive but shouldn't be the one absorbing your grief. I let that happen a couple times and it put a big strain on the relationship. My now-ex didn't really know how to respond, of course, and it was very uncomfortable for him. If you want, please PM me. I can say it does get better with time but never goes away completely. You will learn more ways to cope and remember him fondly rather than just the raw pain of the loss. I wish your strength. And *hugs* to you. Hey sarah the post quoted above was so thoughtful and well written i had to repeat it i am sorry for your loss too,My losses have been different to yours. I have had nine pregnancies and have five children.With the babies that I have lost I have faith I will hold them one day close to my heart and get to love them like i didn't get a chance too ill get to love them when time wont be an issue ......the children I have I love with my whole heart.I choose not to share my pain in loss with them.They know i have loss and sadness with that loss. I don't know if you ever truly "get over " losing someone you love but you do come to terms with loss because love never dies and eventually what you remember more is the love you had for them and the love they had for you. Rather than the pain being at the front , the pain fades into the back seat memories and then one day you smile as you remember the good times just because now you can smile because you are not grieving the loss anymore theres no time limit to when that will be don't push grief aside its natural and needs to happen trust me.......i second seeing a counsellor and talking to caring friends and family rather than your new love..go easy on you..best wishes for you in love and life......deb
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