Author D-Lish Posted April 21, 2014 Author Posted April 21, 2014 Well, I got my answer last night, and it's not surprising. He said he thought things over and decided not to go forward with us. It's okay, because it was early on in the dating process and I don't think he's inclined to deal with the behaviour I demonstrated. He blamed it on the distance and said it had nothing to do with the bad date- but I know better- and think he's just being polite instead of honest with me. I didn't try to change his mind, I think I said all I could say in my email to him- was just completely honest with him, and I don't think there is anything left to say. I really do have to stop pulling this crap and get a handle on myself when it comes to dating. I just feel really sad today:(. What frustrates me the most is that these are mistakes of my own doing- I had control over how I reacted to this guy- and I blew it anyway. It's not so much about how much I liked him, it's more about kicking myself for doing what I did. It's more or less a feeling of "wow D-lish, why, why, why do you keep doing this???"
Ruby Slippers Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 I'm sorry it didn't work out. It's not so much about how much I liked him, it's more about kicking myself for doing what I did. It's more or less a feeling of "wow D-lish, why, why, why do you keep doing this???" It has taken me years and years to learn some relatively simple lessons. Go easy on yourself. You had the insight to start this thread and begin to ask the hard questions. A lot of people never work up the courage to do that. 2
StanMusial Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 I don't know how old you are but I counted a lot of years in your backstory. You need to realize that your window is closing fast, there is maybe a micrometer wide opening left to squeeze through. Don't let the guy who messed up your marriage ruin the rest of your life. That shouldn't even be in your brain, all things considered.
Gaeta Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 ..... You need to realize that your window is closing fast, there is maybe a micrometer wide opening left to squeeze through. For goodness sake how old are you for saying such a thing? LOL There is no age to find love. People in their 40s-50s-60s fall in love each day. My grand-mother remarried at 75 and in love like a 17 year old. 3
jphcbpa Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 I would venture to guess that you have felt this avoidance even before you were married ??
jphcbpa Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 A quote comes to mind: "God breaks the heart again and again and again until it stays open." (Hazrat Inayat Khan) Sometimes I fear heartbreak myself. But more than that, I fear never really loving anyone or caring about things, just surviving in a safe cloud of numbness, with my heart closed. That's not really living. In the past few years, I've opened my sensitive self up more to all the little (and some big) heartbreaks of the world, and I'm better off for it, because it's made me and my capacity to love stronger. I think the most important things in life are our relationships, the love we give and receive. That doesn't happen without putting yourself and your heart on the line. If you keep a strong heart, you can endure any hits you may get. When I'm feeling afraid to do something that I know it's good for me to do, I ask myself what's the worst that could happen? Then I come up with a realistic worst case scenario - and it's never THAT bad, not so bad that it's going to stop me from doing the thing I need and want to do. LOVE the quote. thank you for this. really need this in my life right now. i am feeling afraid of putting myself back out there, but like you said...what is the worst thing that could happen? 2
Author D-Lish Posted April 22, 2014 Author Posted April 22, 2014 I don't know how old you are but I counted a lot of years in your backstory. You need to realize that your window is closing fast, there is maybe a micrometer wide opening left to squeeze through. Don't let the guy who messed up your marriage ruin the rest of your life. That shouldn't even be in your brain, all things considered. I have been thinking a lot lately about the age factor. I am 40. I got divorced around 32. For goodness sake how old are you for saying such a thing? LOL There is no age to find love. People in their 40s-50s-60s fall in love each day. My grand-mother remarried at 75 and in love like a 17 year old. Such a thing may or may not be in the cards for me- I know it's all up to me, because I am the one that sabotages. I would venture to guess that you have felt this avoidance even before you were married ?? Not to the same extent that I feel now. I met my exH and did feel the panic initially, but we persevered. I broke up with him and walked out on him after a couple of months of dating because I was so scared of falling in love. He stuck by me and kept pursuing me- and he forgave me. I grew to trust him and learned to let go. I think I've given every single guy I've dated since him the same "test"- not even able to rationalize at the time that I'm testing them. When I walked out on this guy I was CONVINCED I was doing the right thing to protect myself. I was sitting across from him and I was so overwhelmed by how much I liked him that I convinced myself that I had to end it to avoid getting hurt down the road. Of course, over the next couple days I started kicking myself for kicking him out of my life. I have to open up, I have to accept that being vulnerable is a part of loving someone. If I can't come to terms with that, no one is ever going to be able to love me, and I'm going to die alone.
gaius Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 One of my ex's only gave me 6 digits of her phone number. Left it up to me to find the rest. It's not really a bad thing if you put a guy through his paces to see how interested he really his. If you're looking to avoid disapointment and hurt in the long term then your body is really just wisely protecting you. If this guy's gonna flee the minute he hits a speed bump you think there was any real long term potential there? That you're gonna get married and live forever with this guy? All you did was weed out a weed. 2
Author D-Lish Posted April 22, 2014 Author Posted April 22, 2014 I'm sorry it didn't work out. It has taken me years and years to learn some relatively simple lessons. Go easy on yourself. You had the insight to start this thread and begin to ask the hard questions. A lot of people never work up the courage to do that. I liked your post previous to the one above as well as this one. If I were on the outside looking in, I'd give some great advice to myself. When it comes to how I approach life emotionally, I am messy. A hot mess as my closest male friend likes to call me. I'm sorry it didn't work out as well. There is a very large part of me that is okay with the fact that I will shed a few tears now in order to avoid some real heartache in the future. I want so badly to fall in love again- but I'm my own worst enemy. Just had the worst day ever today. I went shopping for some retail therapy, discovered after an hour of walking around the mall that my skirt was tucked into my undies at the back- so was exposing my butt to everyone- then went to get in my car and it wouldn't start- so had to wait three hours for a tow. Just a bad weekend in general.
Gaeta Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Just had the worst day ever today. I went shopping for some retail therapy, discovered after an hour of walking around the mall that my skirt was tucked into my undies at the back- so was exposing my butt to everyone- then went to get in my car and it wouldn't start- so had to wait three hours for a tow. Just a bad weekend in general. lol sorry for laughing. Same thing happened to me but at the office....at least at the shopping mall you don't see those people again
carhill Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 IMO, you facilitate sabotage because you've yet to realize you were vulnerable, went through the meat grinder and survived and, apparently, have thrived in the interim in every area except, to your mind, personal romantic relationships. I agree with the members who suggested short term work with a professional. While losing confidence in a different area was my challenge, the psych work in MC taught whole different ways of processing things and confidence returned, as did the desire to be vulnerable and open, which was natural for me prior. I simply don't meet any single women, and don't expect to, at least until I'm out of this place. In your case, you're meeting eligible bachelors, lucky you(!), and the process is getting gummed up, you feel, by yourself and your 'sabotage'. Well, work that! What's the most valuable thing you have in life? Your time! Put it to good use and move on from this. If you're lucky enough to get to twice the age you are now, this will hopefully will be crystal clear. When I lost a dear female friend recently at age 49, the message hit home. We only have so much time. What are you going to do with yours? Sabotage or grow old and vulnerable with a man you love. Up to you!
gaius Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 I know the psychologist on maury is always yacking about how women who date really younger men do it because they've been hurt and don't feel comfortable not having the power afforded by dating someone so much younger. Not sure I agree with the broad generalization of age-gaps but there are women who do that. Seek out situations where they have the power. Must have been relaxing knowing your ex stayed into you even after you dumped him. Most guys are trained not to do that though since the results are usually the opposite. She just loses respect for him instead of marrying him.
Author D-Lish Posted April 22, 2014 Author Posted April 22, 2014 One of my ex's only gave me 6 digits of her phone number. Left it up to me to find the rest. It's not really a bad thing if you put a guy through his paces to see how interested he really his. If you're looking to avoid disapointment and hurt in the long term then your body is really just wisely protecting you. If this guy's gonna flee the minute he hits a speed bump you think there was any real long term potential there? That you're gonna get married and live forever with this guy? All you did was weed out a weed. I guess that could be the case as well, but I don't doubt that my grand exit was a huge turn off. lol sorry for laughing. Same thing happened to me but at the office....at least at the shopping mall you don't see those people again It's okay to laugh- I actually laugh-cried about it once I got to my car and found it wouldn't start. I called my mom and just bawled my eyes out when I got stranded. I was trying to tell her through the tears that I had exposed my bum on top of everything that had happened- even she laughed while I was bawling, lol. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Just had the worst day ever today. That sux ((( D-Lish ))) Things will get better.
jphcbpa Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Originally Posted by jphcbpa I would venture to guess that you have felt this avoidance even before you were married ?? Not to the same extent that I feel now. I met my exH and did feel the panic initially, but we persevered. I broke up with him and walked out on him after a couple of months of dating because I was so scared of falling in love. He stuck by me and kept pursuing me- and he forgave me. I grew to trust him and learned to let go. So the answer it seems is yes, you did feel this way before you exH. If that is the case, this has something to do with your childhood and internal fear of losing yourself in an R, being engulfed or controlled. I would suggest therapy for this avoidance issue that is only going to get worse and the endings will always be the same until you address this.
Emilia Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Not to the same extent that I feel now. I met my exH and did feel the panic initially, but we persevered. I broke up with him and walked out on him after a couple of months of dating because I was so scared of falling in love. He stuck by me and kept pursuing me- and he forgave me. I grew to trust him and learned to let go. I think you perhaps need to question whether your marriage was a healthy relationship too or whether it was the old pattern with you sticking around longer. This sabotage may not be the result of your divorce but perhaps has always been there. Just a thought.
Author D-Lish Posted April 24, 2014 Author Posted April 24, 2014 I think you perhaps need to question whether your marriage was a healthy relationship too or whether it was the old pattern with you sticking around longer. This sabotage may not be the result of your divorce but perhaps has always been there. Just a thought. Hey Emilia, You're probably right that it has always been there to some extent. My first experience with romantic love, I entered it with complete vulnerability and innocence (when I was just a teenager). I have never entered into love easily since then- and each time gets harder and harder. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with being adopted, and feeling abandoned by my biological parents (even though I had never known them as a child). 1
Author D-Lish Posted April 24, 2014 Author Posted April 24, 2014 So the answer it seems is yes, you did feel this way before you exH. If that is the case, this has something to do with your childhood and internal fear of losing yourself in an R, being engulfed or controlled. I would suggest therapy for this avoidance issue that is only going to get worse and the endings will always be the same until you address this. Therapy is something I've done in the past, and definitely plan to engage in again asap. I've explored my childhood trauma in depth, and even engaged in therapy for a long time after my divorce. My biggest problem isn't knowing where the mess derived from- it is managing the fear in the present. I have the knowledge and the skills necessary, but I am having an awful time applying it in real life. The fear and panic always gets in the way. I will often choose partners that I know I won't lose control with- including dating younger guys. With this latest guy, I fell apart, literally started unravelling as I realized how much I was growing to like him. I started feeling incredibly insecure, completely lost my confidence- and of course being vulnerable made me angry. I've done a whole lot of crying since the bad date- but to be completely honest, a lot of the emoting had more to do with being made to feel vulnerable than anything else. Tears of frustration as well, for repeating my pattern. 1
Emilia Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 Hey Emilia, You're probably right that it has always been there to some extent. My first experience with romantic love, I entered it with complete vulnerability and innocence (when I was just a teenager). I have never entered into love easily since then- and each time gets harder and harder. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with being adopted, and feeling abandoned by my biological parents (even though I had never known them as a child). hello Quite possibly. I don't know much about how adopted kids adjust and I'm sorry if this has created attachment issues for you. The only thing I recognise is fear of abandonment (child of divorced parents here). It's a huge thing because your attraction style is very difficult to control/be self-aware about.
Emilia Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 Tears of frustration as well, for repeating my pattern. I recognise this. Very much so.
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 I think the fact you do recognize you have a destructive pattern and you do want to break through it is a big step forward. I think you would benefit a lot from short term therapy. You only need a few tools to control and redirect that pattern. You could also join any personal development group and learn to let go 'in general' of those fears. What you do now is relive over and over what happened 8 years ago. You put yourself through anxiety and fears that have no reasons to be. It's not a way of living and you know that. Fear is a state of mind. Nothing else. You could look at it the way I do. I got hurt a great deal in the past, a horrific story where I lost everything and had a trip down to hell that lasted 3-4 years. I could fear investing myself again in a relationship and get hurt again BUT I don't. FIRST: I know a heartbreak doesn't kill, I've survived my horrific story and if I survived that I can survive anything. SECOND: No one, and I mean NO ONE, will ever hurt me again like this because I won't allow it. So, your bad experience you can let it consume you or you can turn it around and let it make you a better, stronger, wiser woman. Gaeta is right. I'm in therapy at the moment but also cut yourself a bit of slack. I was single for an exceptionally long time and I've kissed a few frogs and my last boyfriend didn't love or respect me but worse was the immaturity I felt for not experiencing a long term relationship in 11 years and how embarrassed I was for being the weirdo who hadn't been married yet. You can hide behind a career and a this or a that, but not being able to open up in the fear you'll be judged for it is not a sign of strength at all. Counselling can offer an avenue for some painful toxic emotions to rise to the service and be delt with. You gotta remember that you not being in a relationship in a long long time will make you question and fear the men that are in your circle. You will wanna test them and push them away and question your own motives and theirs. Question their motives with a counsellor instead of them, but explain whar is going on with you emotionally to the man that ie interested. I'm sorry that your husband did what he did to you, that would make you question a lot of men as they phase in and out of your life. But hopefully you have nothing to do with your ex. I don't know if your ex has changed and matured for the better or not but it's best not ever to know about him or find out, better for your soul. Just thank god there are men in young life that want to get exclusive and commital with you now and do yourself a favour go get healed, because your people picker has been damaged, and for you to be able to trust men and yourself again, you need to get healed and cry out some angry tears if you need to that have been burried deep inside. Give yourself a break too. It's completely normal to be horrified at the idea of love if you have only ever known to be treated like crap. But seriously, if nice men are doing your head in, go see someone that can be able to help process your fears and allow you to open your heart to the possibility of lovr and all that you deserve. It's time to let go
todreaminblue Posted April 29, 2014 Posted April 29, 2014 (edited) hey d lish I have a really fierce defense mechanism due to repeated multiple trauma.... fractures when the trauma occurred that i disassociate from the trauma and it goes somewhere on lock down and some other part of me takes over, unfortunately for me i dont think this is going to change have been this way forever, i dont believe they have diagnosed me correctly at all......they put me on medication that makes it worse but anyway moving on all i am trying to say is don't close off pain you are meant to feel it to risk it at heart level to understand the pain and learn how to heal...not repeatedly over and over and have it untreated but heartbreak is actually normal....... I am always on the lookout for someone who might hurt me the only way i can be hurt is by getting to my heart.......maybe if my heart wasnt so retarded i would be ok..... if my heart was strong enough it never grew up to be strong enough because the trauma was never really dealt with or determined strategies to heal ....... my heart never got to understand why people take advantage of others and how to not be vulnerable..... so out of necessity i can disassociate i haven't read all the other replies but i think before you date anyone you need to have some therapy with someone understanding. for the first time i spoke to my bishop at my church and it started an acceptance for me, i told him everything and i spoke at heart level at one point when i felt i could let my heart speak......the safest place i feel and have had the best times is at church and i have a sense of peace..........i journal a lot...now i think my time is done as far as love goes.......its a hot mess in here...church helps ...journaling helps speaking to the bishop and a church counsellor helped....i am doing something my heart has always wanted to do and thats write kids books...i used to write stories for my principals very sick daughter and even illustrate them or try to...:0), i would pass them through the fence to her .....think i was about six...thats where my hearts at .... do i test guys...i test everyone its defense and its ingrained....photographic memory..and i take snapshots of inconsistencies even down to tones of voices certain tones i cant handle.....i basically wait for someone to hurt me then i shut them out when they do , i dont hurt them ....i am never rude but they cant have access to my heart ...not unless i can fully trust them...i am not scared of guys i have quite a few male friends....what I know though is only the people i love the most can hurt me because i let them and i forgive them......i cant and wont give that love to just any guy...it has to be a guy who actually knows my heart and takes care of it most guys wouldnt dont let your heart remain where trauma lies its a cold bed mate next to you at night....you have to deal with trauma before more trauma hits...... because the second one will hit harder or the next one.....you take a risk make sure you arent wounded when you take a hit......heal talk....then try..not before....i wish you well ..deb Edited April 29, 2014 by todreaminblue
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