ThomasJW Posted April 20, 2014 Posted April 20, 2014 Well, after much deliberating and soul searching, I've come to the conclusion after around 8 months that the likelyhood of going back out with my ex is slim to nothing, so I'm here for help. There's not much to say about our relationship/breakup, just a case of right person, broke up too soon (After 8 months dating), didn't know enough about eachother and a reasonably rough breakup. We talked out what exactly went wrong a few months ago when things were looking likely for getting back together, yet those hopes were quickly dashed. It's now been 8 months since we broke up, and after 7 months trying to win her back (1 month NC) nothing much has been done, at first yeah there was a chance to get back as there was a lot of positive signs but I felt it was too early, then too late. 4 months she was strung along by a player and he left, and now she's fallen for her brother's best friend, whom she's had a crush on for around 7 years now. Throughout the past few months I was in and out, I refused to be put in the friendzone yet allowed things to gradually warm up between us when I knew there was something to grow, then backed away when things became loose (I let her come to me, I've never come to her but I have done the smart thing which is to push her away so I'm not being a pushover of sorts). Anyway, now I plan on putting a stop to all this completely. Sure, I know there may still be a chance as we are compatible, but right now how I know her brother and dad are 100% against his best friend and his sister dating he'll put a stop to that, I don't want to keep being in limbo thinking I have a chance then having to postpone time and time again. I do believe perhaps she gets distracted easily, she's not the type of girl to get close to a guy for no real reason. Anyway, I just want some healthy words of encouragement to help set me on my way away from her and on to actually concentrating on myself. What should be my plan of action? I heard NC is the way to go.
smileforelena Posted April 20, 2014 Posted April 20, 2014 Before the healthy words of encouragement, please allow me to say one thing about your post - you wanted her back so why did you play games when you got the chance. I would suggest that you make that mental decision that it is over. Not slim its over. It will not be easy. There will be days that you will go back and forth. Feelings coming back and going away. This is when you will need to exert effort at least in the beginning. Be busy. This could be a time you could be most productive in other areas of your life. While you are in this process tell yourself, then convince yourself that you are letting go and you want to move on. NC is proven to be effective. The less of ex the faster the healing. You will miss her. You will be tempted to reach out. You will have to stay strong. Its far from easy but with perseverance it gets you to a better place.
elseaacych Posted April 20, 2014 Posted April 20, 2014 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/470829-all-new-2014-no-contact-guide Read it. Live it. Be it. Be warned, it is easier said than done, but in the long run: months to years, it is better for the both of you if you both let bygones be bygones. You will feel so much stronger and find someone who is just as or even more compatible with you. You can do it. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted April 20, 2014 Posted April 20, 2014 First of all, you need to stop trying to win her back and finally accept that it's over. Then you need to go No Contact and stay No Contact. Stop trying to manipulate the situation, accept her decision and move forward. It'll be hard, but you'll be fine in the long run if you stop caving and plotting. 1
Jiivy Posted April 20, 2014 Posted April 20, 2014 It sounds like the end of things was...messy. You really shouldn't be trying to force the opinion of someone you care about for 7 months. It doesn't matter - look, nobody wants their partner to leave them. We do whatever we can to keep that loving person with us, together in our lives. I don't blame you for trying. Elsea's link is a good place to start. We're struggling with this here on LS too - you're not alone.
Author ThomasJW Posted April 20, 2014 Author Posted April 20, 2014 (edited) I didn't necessarily play games with her, at the time she seemed to take a little interest it was still say two to three months after we broke up, it lasted around a week but as things were still off between us I didn't want to make a move without resolving some of our previous issues first, It was all still rather messy at the time. Well, things were messy for a fairly long time, but I made sure I wasn't forcing my love upon her. Out of the many months waiting I took my chance and told her around March I liked her when things were building, it was amazingly good for around two weeks and that was at it's peak, but then the player came back into the picture and things went downhill. The important part is I tried, there's too much going on for too long for me to do anything, the only way I can see there being any sort of reconciliation is if things don't work out with her brother's friend and this player, I have the unfair advantage as they've known her 4+ years and I've only known her for one and a half, but I accept perhaps it will never be. By all said it looks like NC Is the best thing for me to do right now, I'm not going to keep fighting or try to stick around in case things don't work. Her brother and dad are massively against her and this guy dating, same goes for this player that lives across the country to her, but I don't want to keep waiting in limbo. My plan now is to just cut all contact, I'm contemplating telling her that I don't want to be friends and leave it as that, delete everything to do with her and move on for good. It will be hard like always, even so to date she was the best girlfriend I've ever had, we planned everything even up to marriage and we had so much in common. But seeing I will have to cut ties with her for good to heal, I will have to. My NC starts today, I will probably do a lead up post sometime down the road once I'm in a better frame of mind. Many thanks for all the replies, I'm thankful for all the help you have given. Edit: Although it sounds she was never romantically interested in me, she always sounded open to getting back together one day, however was more interested in other guys at the time than any sort of reconciliation thus my motive for popping in and out. Edited April 20, 2014 by ThomasJW
Simon Phoenix Posted April 20, 2014 Posted April 20, 2014 Next time (hopefully there's not one), it's up to her to do all of the reconciliation work. Everytime she showed a modicum of interest you jumped back like a puppy dog. That's not remotely attractive and that doesn't give her any reason to get back with you. She can have you whenever she pleases just by showing you a tiny bit of attention, so why would she give you everything you want when she can get whatever she wants with minimal effort and inconvenience? Learn from this. And no "declaring NC" messages. Just do it and just stick to it.
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