I'm an obsessive and bad person.

[oldshirt]

.....So let me put it all this way - your brain is so messed up right now you aren't thinking clearly and everything you say and do on your own will be the wrong thing and will cause more pain, harm and damage to everyone in the long run.

 

 

Don't do anything right now until you have consulted a professional and work under their guidance and under their direction until they have determined that you have followed their guidelines and have your head screwed on straight and have them counsel you through the future steps on getting everyone's life back on track.

 

 

What ever you try to do right now, you are going to screw up big time. Get into a therapists office ASAP and let that professional guide and direct you through what you need to do to save everyone's ass from a whole heap of pain and anguish that is going to come crashing down on everyone if you try to take any actions now in your compromised state.

[Man Mountain Makino]

At this point i just want to end both of these relationships. My husband deserves someone like the old me who was dedicated to him and the marriage. The OM needs to just live his own life.

This is the first point in the story that I liked. You're right. Leave booth men and grow up.

[petee]

I like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I can't here as you are playing people for mugs in a particularly vile way.

Your husband is better off without you, of that be crystal clear. Your daughter, whose life you are selfishly going to destroy deserves a mother, not you.

If there is a single percent of you that is not completely rotten to the core use it to tell THEM tomorrow.

I believe your method of attention seeking on here shows what a lousy human being you are, of course you are planning to join the OM, so the Penelope Pitstop act has failed.

Tomorrow, is the start of the beginning of their two lives, and yours with the OM. I don't know anything about your husband but he is the innocent party in this, his life changed for the worse when he met you.

[fellini]

To be honest, I do not see why you have given up on your marriage. Okay, I see you had an affair, but that does not signal the end of your marriage. In spite of what some people here will say.

 

You seem to have something important, a daughter together. You make comments about his work, time etc., but those things are completely surmountable. What perhaps needs to happen is the quality of time that you DO spend together needs to be focused on a more satisfactory experience.

 

You want to end your marriage but it might be that your H does not. And I don't mean, tell him about the A and see what he thinks. I mean have you tried an alternative to an A by speaking with your H?

 

I would check out websites on putting vitality BACK into your marriage (perhaps seeing an IC for this) before signing off.

 

It's just that I get the impression you are RUNNING away from both these relationships, NOT that you really want to, but you are unable to MOVE from the place you are now and get what you want, and what you need.

 

Would you say your marriage is OVER IF you hadn't had a 4 or 6 month fling?

 

Is the idea to end it to save yourself from the pain should he find out?

 

These are serious issues to address before making such a drastic decision to just "get out" while you can, thinking you can start over.

 

Or maybe its the AP you THINK your really want but you aren't even sure if you leave your H it's going to work out? There is only one way to find out! An A is NOT the way to find out.

 

My wife stepped out and into a LTR with a co-worker. This cost the single OM his future. Because she did it the way she did, he lost her in the end. Had she done the "right" thing, she would have left the marriage, and then started with this guy. As it was he tried to steal her from me. Slowly. Having done this, she actually found her way back into our marriage. Had she left me for this man, I would NEVER have taken her back. The damage to our family (9 year old daughter) would have meant that I would not have risked letting her back in and hurting both of us twice. As it stands, our daughter does NOT KNOW the full extent of what her mother was up to. And I intend to keep it that way until she is old enough to understand.

[Spectre]

My husband does not know. I want to sit him down in the coming weeks and really talk to him about it.

 

I read some of your thread and it sounds somewhat similar to my situation. I'm sure we seem kind of selfish not wanting to tell our husbands of a betrayal and I have been selfish having an affair of course. However, we really do not want to hurt them. I do not want my husband to go through more stress than he has too.

 

I agree. I do not know how I got into this mess. Ive been loyal for 14 years of our relationship and almost ten years of marriage. I've been so caught up in the other man that it has just gotten out of control and I have certainly devolved. I can't even explain it, actually.

 

Stop saying things like this. He deserves the truth. If you are going to just keep lying to him then do not try to sugar coat it. You aren't doing it for any good reason, you are not telling him because you are a coward. Plain and simple: he deserves to know what you have been up to. The fact that you could even THINK about not telling him this just goes to show how little respect you have for him.

 

Please do this man a favor and tell him the truth. Do not stick your fingers in your ears and just keep telling yourself you are doing him a favor by not telling him because you don't want to hurt him. Fact is? You aren't doing anyone but YOU a favor in that department. This isn't about him, but you. Trust me, most guys can deal with this, so tell him. You have no good excuse not to do so. Stop acting like you care about this man if you do not intend to be honest with him.

[Darth Vader]

I am not going to just hand him divorce papers. I am going to sit down and have a talk to him about it after I talk to my attorney.

 

I know it is going to be hard to just cut off this relationship with the Other man. It has become an addiction. I would have to cut alllll contact. I would be lying if I said I have not thought about a future with OM. He is single. However I know that it is unlikely to work. This is why I do want to some how leave both relationships. They are both doomed to fail.

 

I know having this affair has been awful to my husband but I cannot take it back now. I just want it all to be over and done with.

 

 

Then just tell your husband NOW that you've been riding another man! Stop forcing your husband to live a LIE!

[italianjob]

I don't think your H is going to accept a Divorce without trying to learn your reasons to ask him one. And when he sets to find out the truth he's going to discover everything. At that point his opinion about you will be very very low. But you still need to deal with him because, after the Divorce, you'll have to co-parent your daughter with him.

In the long run he might find it easier to be on civil terms with a woman who fell out of love, told the truth and left him, rather than with someone who cheated, lied, and lied some more to hide what really happened.

Divorce or not, I think you need to tell him.

[fellini]

Stop saying things like this. He deserves the truth. If you are going to just keep lying to him then do not try to sugar coat it. You aren't doing it for any good reason, you are not telling him because you are a coward.

 

OP you are a WS and in here you will have to get used to namecalling and intimidation like this.

 

There are some BSs in here whose entire contribution is to do nothing but push for full disclosure of an affair. There are others that recognise that handling this betrayal is unique for each person involved and that the OP has to make his/her own decisions and weigh them in accordance with what they know or are prepared to do. It wouldn't matter if the question of disclosure was completely off the table, you would be subjected to this line of attack.

 

You will notice its the only issue that many of these people care about.

 

Read widely and discover for yourself.

 

I consider my wife a coward for telling me. She told me specifically to force me to do something because she got herself in so deep she was essentially telling me, "you decide". She wasnt telling me because i deserved to know, she waited to tell me way to late into it. She was a coward because she knew what she HAD to do, and made me do it for her.

 

Dont be bullied by this community. Ask your questions and take what works for your situation. Ignore the rest.

[janedoe67]

I don't think your H is going to accept a Divorce without trying to learn your reasons to ask him one. And when he sets to find out the truth he's going to discover everything. At that point his opinion about you will be very very low. But you still need to deal with him because, after the Divorce, you'll have to co-parent your daughter with him.

In the long run he might find it easier to be on civil terms with a woman who fell out of love, told the truth and left him, rather than with someone who cheated, lied, and lied some more to hide what really happened.

Divorce or not, I think you need to tell him.

 

You need to consider this, OP. Even the most passive man starts digging when he is blindsided with D papers. And if he is away a lot and you have been trying to put on a good face, he WILL be blindsided. This WILL come out.

 

Right now, you can take some deep breaths, find someone to babysit away from your house, and then sit down and tell your husband what YOU have chosen to do. You may D, he may want to work it out, in which case you will have to decide because staying and being halfhearted in the recovery work is unfair. But if you just sugar coat some "I am not in love anymore" story and try to walk backwards out the door with minimum damage, it is NOT going to work. And if you think telling him will hurt, just imagine him finding out on his own.

 

You have lived life for YOU in the moment for awhile now, and you see how exhausting it is. Try to start thinking of others, and start with honesty.

[Tullyseptember]

Your not a terrible person or rotten mother Scorpo. It's going to be really hard to tell your husband about the affair. It might feel like the most fearful action you have taken besides the affair. I can't recall if you have said so already but getting into counselling could really be beneficial in helping you sort through your thoughts on the affair, dig deep into your obsessive feelings for your chosen coping method and guide you on how to become the person you miss being. Please remember you are not a rotten/terrible/attention seeking person on this board. Constructive ideas are more helpful to your situation as opposed to the board making assumptions of what your true intentions are. My concern is you taking the route of saying you are terrible instead of looking at your actions and learning from them:(

[Spectre]

Your not a terrible person or rotten mother Scorpo. It's going to be really hard to tell your husband about the affair. It might feel like the most fearful action you have taken besides the affair. I can't recall if you have said so already but getting into counselling could really be beneficial in helping you sort through your thoughts on the affair, dig deep into your obsessive feelings for your chosen coping method and guide you on how to become the person you miss being. Please remember you are not a rotten/terrible/attention seeking person on this board. Constructive ideas are more helpful to your situation as opposed to the board making assumptions of what your true intentions are. My concern is you taking the route of saying you are terrible instead of looking at your actions and learning from them:(

 

I'm sorry, but every single thing you just said? It is only true if she tells her husband. Otherwise yeah..she kind of is a rotten person. It may sound harsh, but it is true. He deserves to know and only someone so selfish, rotten, and arrogant would feel THEY have the right to decide something like that for someone else.

[Cpt]

Its stories like this that make me believe women are salutes, and makes me lose gradually lose the little hope in women I have left.

 

I hope your BH will recover from this.

 

You're not a bad person or mother, but as a wife? Well go figure.

 

What will you do if your BH makes the mistake of asking for a R?

[Spectre]

Its stories like this that make me believe women are salutes, and makes me lose gradually lose the little hope in women I have left.

 

I hope your BH will recover from this.

 

You're not a bad person or mother, but as a wife? Well go figure.

 

What will you do if your BH makes the mistake of asking for a R?

 

Sorry, I just can't get on board with this idea if she doesn't come clean. Since when do people who are NOT bad people do things like this? They do not. This man, the mother of her children, if she has so much utter disrespect for him she feels he doesn't deserve the truth? I..I just don't know what to call that, but it just doesn't seem like the description of someone who "isn't a bad person". That seems like the description of a cruel, manipulative, and selfish person. I am not saying anyone who cheats is that, but the whole honesty thing? That is a no brainer. If she doesn't tell, yeah..there is a big problem and people need to stop pretending otherwise.

[Cpt]

Sorry, I just can't get on board with this idea if she doesn't come clean. Since when do people who are NOT bad people do things like this? They do not. This man, the mother of her children, if she has so much utter disrespect for him she feels he doesn't deserve the truth? I..I just don't know what to call that, but it just doesn't seem like the description of someone who "isn't a bad person". That seems like the description of a cruel, manipulative, and selfish person. I am not saying anyone who cheats is that, but the whole honesty thing? That is a no brainer. If she doesn't tell, yeah..there is a big problem and people need to stop pretending otherwise.

 

I concur to a certain point with you, but everybody lies and nobody is perfect, let he without sin cast the first stone. So in my post a "bad person" is really a subjective thing. I meant bad people as rapists, murderers etc.

 

I think that what she did was wrong, and not telling is also wrong. But by your definition, all cheaters ARE bad people.

[Jonah]

Well, it doesn't hurt to speak with a lawyer and understand realistically what you will be facing and issues you will have to deal with.

 

If you seperate and it sounds like that is where your head is at, then do so honestly away from both. Your husband may discover your affair, especially if your use the seperation as a marriage vacation, and to feel less guilty about dating.

 

Hurt is inevitable, at least short term, and who knows what time and distance will lead your heart and head to decide what is right for you. As well as for your husband and even your friend.

 

Good luck to you.

Yes, hurt is inevitable. For us all. all creatures great and small. And it its all rooted in craving. For without craving, where is the suffering? Learn to crave nothing and see abundance fill your world.

[Jonah]

You icky you. Ooh my gosh not perfect yoI?. I'm trying to tally a percentage... Maybe one in 5 posters here might have some grace,one in ten hold it consistently. Bs, ws... Most so full of themselves. At least you have the wherewithal to know your failings. That is the first step to real growth. Alone? Maybe not such a good idea. you have declared that this boy is chronically poison for you. seek a good counselor, and when you feel the itch, don't scratch... It gets worse. the past is gone. If it helps, confess to a priest, not someone that would be hurt by your confession.

[Spectre]

I concur to a certain point with you, but everybody lies and nobody is perfect, let he without sin cast the first stone. So in my post a "bad person" is really a subjective thing. I meant bad people as rapists, murderers etc.

 

I think this perspective doesn't take into account the way people are though. You can be a very very terrible person without ever raping someone or killing someone or even ever physically assaulting someone once. It's not just physical crimes that can make a person "bad".

 

The thing about casting stones without sin also has never made much sense. That is what we do though. Police officers aren't perfect, yet then enforce laws upon others. We see it every day, not just there. I'm not saying we should "cast stones" so to speak, just that being flawed doesn't prohibit you from noticing the flaws of others. It only becomes a problem when you act like you are perfect, but merely recognizing a flaw in someone else is not a declaration of "I am perfect and you aren't".

 

I think that what she did was wrong, and not telling is also wrong. But by your definition, all cheaters ARE bad people.

 

No, I think cheaters are bad people..to their spouses. When it comes to in general..your overall quality as a person? I think it depends on how you handle your own bad choices. Simply acknowledging you have done something wrong isn't always enough. Sometimes you have to do something to work towards correcting it. You have to take that step to show yes you are indeed, at you core, a good person.

 

I'm not saying if you cheat you are forever branded that way, but if you don't work towards correcting it then you just increase the chances of repeating bad behavior instead of actually learning something from it. All that pain that has been caused by the situation? That should be used for something.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

Let's return to the problems of the OP.

 

OP, Full marks for coming here for help and coming clean about it here. Yes you are in a helluva fix and need to get out of it somehow. On this board and occasionally in life (the reason we came here) we have seen these human dramas play out many times.

 

You are on an affair high. You also need to make some decisions because the double life cannot be sustained. You want to avoid pain and not be too much the bad guy. All understandable:- but decide you must.

 

Telling your H would do that, sure. This is the "let the cards fall where they may" approach and there are some strong reasons to recommend it:- it will pull your head out of your ass as the bubble you are in will burst. You can get back some integrity. Your H gets to make decisions about his life based on the truth. It is the path I would recommend as it is honest with yourself and with your H.

 

Your thinking is not there yet. You are aware you are in a fix but you are still looking for a cheap ticket out, while being aware it doesn't really exist.

 

Would you want to go to the OM? I got to say, this doesn't sound like much more than people using each other for pleasant sexual gratification. Could be wrong, but bluntly you just bang each other - could this turn into a relationship that would survive diapers and sacrifice? You don't describe it like that, so let's say not.

 

I say, it will be unpleasant but treat it as a process that you will be the better for on the other side. Go NC while you sort this out - you will respect yourself more for it later. See a lawyer. Tell your H you want a divorce and why. Take it from there.

 

Whatever you do, please don't leave the poor sap in the dark - you have made all the choices so far, he deserves to make some too if you have any respect left for him. You don't seem to have any practical respect for him so I will guess you will do what suits you - but the fact you are here means you are not an entirely bad person, just fallible and selfish. You can change that if you want to. Do you want to? I think you may.

 

Act.

Edited April 21, 2014 by TiredFamilyGuy

[Tullyseptember]

I believe the actions are horrible and rotten. I made horrible and rotten choices, as I struggled to reactive my bad choices I'm thankful that I had good people in my life to keep it real for me so that I continued on the path to be a good person who made decent choices and who owned her bad choices. Rather than knock me down and "tell" me that I'm horrible and rotten I had people support me in searching for answers as to why I made the choices I did. I agree that withholding information from a spouse is horrible, I won't call that person who does this the same though. I'm not in their particular shoes and I'm not in their life to know how they really conduct their lives to make that horrible choice of calling them rotten names:)

[scorpobsessed]

Thank you everyone for your responses.

 

I want to say i am NOT going to tell my husband about the affair.

 

However after today with my family I also do not want to divorce him. I have decided that rather than getting with my lawyer this week, I am going to look for a good counselor this week.

 

I also want to say that well over a year before I started this affair, I did talk to my husband on a few occasions about how he had been so distant because of his job. He would make it up to me for a week but then fall right back into this distance. So we have had a lousy marriage long before this affair. But yes the affair has just made it all the worse and I feel like we have nothing left.

 

Meanwhile, the affair has been a lot more than just sex. We can talk to each other and he actually listens to me. I am actually happier because of it all which I am sure sounds twisted to many here. I do wish I could have met the OM after divorcing my husband but it didnt work out like that. My very close relations with the OM makes ending that relationship all the harder.

 

Fortunately or not, your post brought in the hard core LS community before those who have chosen a different approach. I suggest you visit other threads related to your issue, just to get an idea of the spectrum (or lack of it) in terms of what you should do vs. what you must do, vs. what is an option. It was your decision to cheat, you obviously recognise that.

 

There is a thread in LS about telling or not telling. It's interesting. There is also a very inflamed thread about BS's in here who argue why they would prefer NOT to know. And if you are going to divorce? And if divorce is your REAL choice, and not some form of internal punishment for the affair, then focus on that. You can tell your H at any point along the process. A divorce does NOT end your relationship with him because you are parents.

 

So if you absolutely guarantee NC with your OM, and genuinely are going to work on you, telling your husband might actually interfere with that process because once he knows all hell is going to break lose and I guarantee you will be spending all your time on damage control with him rather than you.

 

I would like to go NC with the OM, but I think that would be impossible. He knows where I live anyway so he would come and find out what was up. I do want to start distancing myself tho, but I feel so pathetic about it. I use to be a woman with a strong will power, but with the OM I have absolutely zero willpower. In february I only lasted 3 days like I said before I just NEEDED to contact him again.

 

Today he texted me a happy Easter text and I fought to text him back all day. It was so hard not to and I felt so bad not responding. However I tried to focus on the day with my husband and daughter and did. But then a few hours ago he texted me again and I gave in and responded.

 

I am obviously just a mess. I hope I can find a good counselor.

[DKT3]

How do you see this ending? Since you plan on staying in both relationships.

 

Its going to take your husband catching you to end this. Its only a matter of time.

[DKT3]

Also I don't think your a mess at all, I think your being a selfish cake eater and know just what your doing. The comforts and social front of family life, the excitement of your dirty little secret sex life on the side. You don't want either to end. But it will.

[fellini]

What is true, is that this is going to be discovered, if you OM is as unconcerned for you as he seems. If you say NC, why is he texting you? Why don't you block his number? There is a thing in narcissistic behaviour called "hovering". You both seem to like to hover: Go NC, give it some time, then pull each other back into it. None of this has to do with love, it has to do with feeding narcissistic needs.

 

It is not LOVE. It comes from power and addiction.

 

Are you in fact in limbo? Do you still imagine a future with your OM?

 

Go here and read (half way down) what Langley has to say about women and infidelity and LIMBO: Women's Infidelity.

 

Her stuff is incredibly well written and makes a lot of sense. It's only a page, so I suggest you read it and ask yourself if you are in limbo - as she defines it, not as it is tossed around as a synonym for indecision. Are you one of these women?

 

Because if you are, and you break this to your H, you will do what is completely predictable for women in limbo: your marriage will take over as the main thrust of your energy to SAVE, and you will go NC for your husband's sake. But this will be a false NC and a false rescue of your M.

 

You need to know where you are psychologically in these two relationships.

Edited April 21, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[A.Moscote]

Good to know that you've at least made a decision Scorpo. Continue learning and reflecting on this situation, hopefully you will gain more perspectives and wisdom to guide yourself and to share with us.

 

It seems like you are so quick to label something as impossible. Be a bit a optimist and try the NC again, and again. Tell him (OM) simply and plainly that it is not right for both of you to pursuit each other and thus you wanted to stop responding to him. Make it longer than 3 days this time (maybe into months), and delay the urges to contact by doing other chores. Eventually you will distance yourself from the tangle even by inches.

 

Be strong, you do have the willpower. You did resist from replying that sweet happy Easter text. Build up on it and always be mindful of the larger picture and purpose, you'll resist even the most heavenly charms.

 

Start your action today. Stop putting effort into the A, don't let it grow any stronger. On the other end, build on your M, give your H the needed kick in the head (one of the reasons why I strongly prefer a planned polite disclosure, hopefully you'll get the chance to do it one day). He's taking your love for granted, that is a common mistake many of us made.

 

Wish you well.

[Cpt]

I think this perspective doesn't take into account the way people are though. You can be a very very terrible person without ever raping someone or killing someone or even ever physically assaulting someone once. It's not just physical crimes that can make a person "bad".

 

The thing about casting stones without sin also has never made much sense. That is what we do though. Police officers aren't perfect, yet then enforce laws upon others. We see it every day, not just there. I'm not saying we should "cast stones" so to speak, just that being flawed doesn't prohibit you from noticing the flaws of others. It only becomes a problem when you act like you are perfect, but merely recognizing a flaw in someone else is not a declaration of "I am perfect and you aren't".

 

 

 

No, I think cheaters are bad people..to their spouses. When it comes to in general..your overall quality as a person? I think it depends on how you handle your own bad choices. Simply acknowledging you have done something wrong isn't always enough. Sometimes you have to do something to work towards correcting it. You have to take that step to show yes you are indeed, at you core, a good person.

 

I'm not saying if you cheat you are forever branded that way, but if you don't work towards correcting it then you just increase the chances of repeating bad behavior instead of actually learning something from it. All that pain that has been caused by the situation? That should be used for something.

 

Thanks for that Spectre, I never looked at it like that. I agree with you and it actually makes sense.

 

As for you OP....

 

 

Now we wait for Dday.