Question about 2nd marriage

[Lady2163]

So, my first marriage was pretty awful. We fought about three of the four main arguments. Sex, money and division of household labor.

 

I have this belief that IF I ever marry/live with someome again, it will be different. I've been single now for 15 years.

 

I believe it will be different because:

1). My communication skills are a whole lot better in and out of the bedroom

2). Socioeconomic status has improved greatly. We were poor when I was first married. Now I'm financially stable and solvent. It would take a major screw up to destroy me financially.

3). I don't stress about housework and yardwork like I did. I can also afford someome to them.

4). Previously, it was really taboo to live with someone before marriage. Now, that will be a definite thing to happen.

 

So, my question is: Have you avoided the pitfalls from your first marriage in your second marriage? How well has it worked?

[Poppygoodwill]

Good question to research before you take the plunge again.

 

I've only been married once, and I'm a newlywed at 45.

 

My husband has one exwife and so I'm seeing from the other side of the altar what it takes to learn and do better the second time around.

 

Critical: self-awareness. Know thyself my friend, and be able to catch yourself in your old familiar patterns. Even as life circumstances change and make things easier, we still are ourselves and prone to do the same old mistakes. self-awareness won't change that, but it will allow you to catch yourself in time and make another choice that won't be as prone to failure.

 

Also: communication. Be prepared to talk about anything and everything.

Especially important when there are ghosts in the room, pulling and shaping our thoughts and behaviours.

[cocorico]

So, my first marriage was pretty awful. We fought about three of the four main arguments. Sex, money and division of household labor.

 

I have this belief that IF I ever marry/live with someome again, it will be different. I've been single now for 15 years.

 

I believe it will be different because:

1). My communication skills are a whole lot better in and out of the bedroom

2). Socioeconomic status has improved greatly. We were poor when I was first married. Now I'm financially stable and solvent. It would take a major screw up to destroy me financially.

3). I don't stress about housework and yardwork like I did. I can also afford someome to them.

4). Previously, it was really taboo to live with someone before marriage. Now, that will be a definite thing to happen.

 

So, my question is: Have you avoided the pitfalls from your first marriage in your second marriage? How well has it worked?

 

My H and I are both second-timers. We both had awful first Ms, we both Md people who were subsequently diagnosed by professionals as having serious manual health problems, and we both begun those Rs when we were very young and lacking in resources. But, I left mine early on, and he stuck his out for decades, so we learned in different ways.

 

I learned through decades of being a single parent about what my values and priorities are, and about dealing with whatever life deals you in a way that is sustainable and low-stress. I've become very laid-back and tolerant about issues I consider low-stakes, but less tolerant and more assertive about issues I consider really important. And, I've developed good negotiation skills and improved my communication skills to make up for my Aspie limitations.

 

He has learned his own lessons about why - and how - he put up with decades of abuse, has connected with his own emotional needs and has learned to express those clearly and without apology, taking responsibility for his feelings and behaviours; and to live authentically and not to assume responsibility for things and people outside of his immediate "control"; he's learned how to be happy, how to have fun, and how to feel comfortable in his own skin.

 

We communicate constantly. We reaffirm our decision to be together, every day. We let each other know we love each other, and why, and we take responsibility for our moods and actions. We recognise our own limitations, and each other's, and we enjoy the complementarity.

 

Years on, we both feel that it is still fresh, but relish how comfortable it feels. It feels light years away from our unhappy first Ms, and we count our blessing each day that we found each other.

[Krytie TV]

So, my question is: Have you avoided the pitfalls from your first marriage in your second marriage? How well has it worked?

Yes, and amazingly. I had a pretty bad first marriage. She was verbally abusive and generally loved to fight and argue. My second wife is the most amazing woman I have ever met and I really just can't believe that any two things called by the same name can be so very different. We don't fight, let alone about money or sex.

[Lady2163]

A huge art of my optimism for a better second marriage is because I really do thinks money - and not having enough or any was a core cause in the marriage being unsuccessful and unhappy.

[dichotomy]

I avoided a repeat of all the problems in my last marriage.......

 

 

 

 

.... and found all new ones in this marriage.

 

 

 

 

Life is what happens when your making other plans.

Edited April 26, 2014 by dichotomy