Cpt Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 Thanks Yeah I'm disappointed that things haven't happened with this guy or cute guy I mentioned in my other thread. Feel so friendzoned and wonder why. I'm not going for guys who are out of my league - they are in my range. Went out with this guy last night. We talked for a couple of hours and at the end he said "it was nice to meet you. I'm sure we'll meet up again"...so doesn't look good. I have been engaged before so I don't think I'm incapable of finding love. Dating is pretty draining for me now. I haven't been in a serious relationship for 3 years. Initially I enjoyed my freedom but I want to find someone now. I'm 24 and most guys my age seem to want to play the field. I might take "new friends" off my dating profile. I feel a like some people waste my time online. I just put it there so I didn't look hardcore serious but I find that I don't really get a heads up or an indication from anyone that they actually want something serious. Feel like I'm going about everything wrong. Stuck in a cycle of no mutual attraction between me and who I date - either more attraction on my side, or more on his side...so difficult to find a situation where interest is on both sides. And I'm not excessively picky - I give people a chance and go on several dates to see if a spark develops. The solution is simple here OP... we kill the batman. That was a joke I think maybe you need to change your social circle a little, or maybe add to it. If this is a recurring pattern, then its really down to the people you're surrounded by. May I ask why you wanted to settle down so soon? (i'm referring to your broken engagement)
Author thecrucible Posted April 24, 2014 Author Posted April 24, 2014 The solution is simple here OP... we kill the batman. That was a joke I think maybe you need to change your social circle a little, or maybe add to it. If this is a recurring pattern, then its really down to the people you're surrounded by. May I ask why you wanted to settle down so soon? (i'm referring to your broken engagement) A few of my friends are married and I see others getting engaged all the time, always makes me feel really single. People in my town and from my university settle young. Most people from my university have married the first person they dated. Well with the guy who asked me about getting married, I initially said yes then I learnt we had incompatible life goals (I wanted to have children in my thirties; he didn't). We were also long-distance and he wouldn't let me see his face on skype so I effectively didn't see his face for ages. He also didn't talk to me for months at a time. I wanted our relationship to end because I didn't want to bet on it getting any better. He didn't make any effort and I stopped loving him. Probably I felt like settling down because we had been dating for a while and it seemed like the logical step, and other people were. But I thought about it, realised I didn't love him enough and that was that. Now I find myself wanting to take things slow (but not too slow) with guys and I don't get attached too easily (no longer codependent as I was before) and I keep thinking there's something wrong with me.
Cpt Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 Right on OP, sounds like you're definitely more in tune with yourself and you avoided making what could have been the worst decision in your life. I applaud you for taking a step back to asses the situation for what it really was, and not following the pack mentality. No regrets I hope! With regards to now, what are your hobbies and interests? Do you think you share some mutual interests with guy type hobbies? Its often difficult to give out concrete advice without asking the right questions.
Author thecrucible Posted April 24, 2014 Author Posted April 24, 2014 Right on OP, sounds like you're definitely more in tune with yourself and you avoided making what could have been the worst decision in your life. I applaud you for taking a step back to asses the situation for what it really was, and not following the pack mentality. No regrets I hope! With regards to now, what are your hobbies and interests? Do you think you share some mutual interests with guy type hobbies? Its often difficult to give out concrete advice without asking the right questions. Well I spent the time after that guy to work on myself. I didn't date for about 2 years afterwards. I learnt to look after myself/take pride in my appearance etc which I didn't before so I'm more confident now. I lost a tonne of weight, I now make myself look pretty every day and I wear nice clothes...I've made some more friends and I get out more. I make my life happen for me but sometimes I still feel like something is missing. Only thing is I haven't learnt very much to project confidence and develop a better sense of who I am although I have better psychological boundaries now. It's because I put all sense of who I was into other people before and it's taken me a lot of time to build any kind of sense of my own identity. I'm used to people not taking much of an interest in me since childhood. I find it hard to open up about myself. I worry that I will turn off good guys 'cause they will have to make more of an effort to draw things out of me. It just takes me time to be around a guy and realise that he is genuinely interested in me and that it's okay for me to talk more about myself and that he might actually be interested. So I feel like I miss opportunities sometimes. [sorry just feeling like I screwed up with this guy recently] My hobbies are genealogical research, reading books and running (which I do almost every day). I like watching comedy shows on TV, going to the theatre when I can, hillwalking and exploring new places. I love all those things. I really like camping and the great outdoors. I don't often have the ability to pursue those interests because I don't have many friends who actually enjoy the same things I do. I also can't drive yet but when I do, I'm going to get out any chance I get. A lot of my hobbies I pursue on my own because no one else I know is interested. What are 'guy type' hobbies?
Cpt Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 Well I spent the time after that guy to work on myself. I didn't date for about 2 years afterwards. I learnt to look after myself/take pride in my appearance etc which I didn't before so I'm more confident now. I lost a tonne of weight, I now make myself look pretty every day and I wear nice clothes...I've made some more friends and I get out more. I make my life happen for me but sometimes I still feel like something is missing. http://i.imgur.com/L9urt.gif What is it that you feel is missing? I have an idea but I want to hear it from you. Only thing is I haven't learnt very much to project confidence and develop a better sense of who I am although I have better psychological boundaries now [are you confident with yourself on the inside?]. It's because I put all sense of who I was into other people before and it's taken me a lot of time to build any kind of sense of my own identity. I'm used to people not taking much of an interest in me since childhood [maybe I should ask, what do you consider "taking interest" in someone? That answer will help a lot]. I find it hard to open up about myself [don't worry, a lot of people are like this, how long does it take for you to be comfortable enough to open up?]. I worry that I will turn off good guys 'cause they will have to make more of an effort to draw things out of me [the real good guys will stick around trust me]. It just takes me time to be around a guy and realise that he is genuinely interested in me and that it's okay for me to talk more about myself and that he might actually be interested [same question again, what do you consider "taking interest" or "genuinely interested"?]. So I feel like I miss opportunities sometimes. [sorry just feeling like I screwed up with this guy recently] [nope you didn't!] Answers in bold ^ My hobbies are genealogical research, reading books and running (which I do almost every day). I like watching comedy shows on TV, going to the theatre when I can, hillwalking and exploring new places. I love all those things. I really like camping and the great outdoors. I don't often have the ability to pursue those interests because I don't have many friends who actually enjoy the same things I do. I also can't drive yet but when I do, I'm going to get out any chance I get. A lot of my hobbies I pursue on my own because no one else I know is interested. Those are awesome hobbies imo (except theatre lol), I don't understand how anyone else cannot enjoy doing these things (even if its not a primary hobby)? What kind of hobbies do your friends like? Guy hobbies include camping/outdoors (especially 4WDing), cars/bikes/mechanics, film/television (action/comedy), clubbing and/or pubs (age dependant)... and the biggest one, SPORTS. 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 Thanks. He got in touch with me again. He said that it was nice to meet me, hopes to hang out again sometime. Think I'll ignore it because I'm not looking for someone to hang out with. I'm looking for a serious relationship. I didn't start this thread to have a go at the guy. I'm just genuinely worried that I come across as too boring. I am a natural flirt and I do have a variety of hobbies/interests but I'm not always good at sounding interesting up front - I need time to warm up with people. I've lost a lot of confidence in myself recently ...I don't know...sometimes I wonder why/if any guy could see who I am because I am not great at showing my carefree/fun side as I'm shy to begin with...I don' t want anyone to write me off as boring but I can see why they would Do some stuff, actual stuff, that you can talk about and makes you sound and feel less boring. Get involved in voluntary/charity work in an area you're passionate about. Organise a charity skydive. Join a local book club (it's a cliche but whatever), learn a new instrument and get out there and play. If you are well rounded and interesting you usually have a variety of interests that you are demonstrably passionate about and can talk about when asked. And it'll help your self-esteem no end to be doing this stuff, meeting new people, and then knowing you have stuff to talk about to them. Always have a book on the go that you can discuss. Try always remember the last great movie you saw, or one that really sucked (but try not to sound too negative about everything all of the time). It all boils down to chemistry, however. You either think somebody is fascinating or you don't. I can sit and listen to my boyfriend talk about his music and the stuff he's reading all day long because we click and I love hearing him speak. To somebody else he might be boring as sin and come across as though he thinks he's god's gift. Once I get onto certain topics it's difficult to shut me up because I'm so enthusiastic about them. Again, some people probably think I'm dull because I'm harping on about them but for somebody who clicks with me that enthusiasm is infectious and one of the things they love most about me. 1
Author thecrucible Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 http://i.imgur.com/L9urt.gif What is it that you feel is missing? I have an idea but I want to hear it from you. Answers in bold ^ Those are awesome hobbies imo (except theatre lol), I don't understand how anyone else cannot enjoy doing these things (even if its not a primary hobby)? What kind of hobbies do your friends like? Guy hobbies include camping/outdoors (especially 4WDing), cars/bikes/mechanics, film/television (action/comedy), clubbing and/or pubs (age dependant)... and the biggest one, SPORTS. As for what is missing, I don't have a job and I live with my parents. I'm trying very hard to get work but I really need it so I feel a sense of purpose and that I'm actually doing something useful. I'm currently studying part time and volunteering in 3 places. One of them has offered me an internship. I really want to move to a bigger city. I feel stuck in a rut living in a small town. I feel like my life is going nowhere. My friends like going to pubs to have drinks or going out to have meals. They like going shopping. I do know some people who like camping because I'm in scouts so I'm working to get more involved with that. I think it would be nice to make more friends I can share my interests with. I really like learning and visiting places of cultural interest and blogging about it but can't find any friends who are interested in the same. Well I do like sports. I watch sports...I want to start a new sport soon. Mostly I run and I'm trying to improve in that all the time, run a few races. I ran Tough Mudder last year. 1. Are you confident on the inside? - Well yes I'm mainly comfortable with who I am. I don't feel like I have anything to prove to people but I still find it a little difficult making new friends, although I'm very social and talk to new people all the time. - I had a tough time going through depression and having a boyfriend who was a jerk/violent etc. I've moved now to the point where I don't feel the need to talk about it/it's ancient history 2. What do you consider taking an interest in someone? - Well to me this is asking questions about a person, asking how their day is, asking how their projects are going, praising them when they've done something well, communicating, saying you care about them etc. I'm not used to that with my family. They do ask sometimes but usually I have to tell them stuff...they won't say "oh how's such-and-such going?" but I never get praise either...they think I don't need it. I don't like talking about myself at length because no one seems interested. 3. how long does it take for you to be comfortable enough to open up? - It depends on who I'm interacting with but usually I have to see them 2-3 times in person before I start acting completely like myself. 4. Genuinely interested? - I go on a lot of dates where I feel like I'm just a cardboard cutout and the guy could be talking to any woman. I want to feel special. I want to feel like he isn't talking to a wall. I want a date where the guy doesn't talk about himself constantly without asking me many questions. I want to feel like someone finds me fascinating.
Author thecrucible Posted April 25, 2014 Author Posted April 25, 2014 Do some stuff, actual stuff, that you can talk about and makes you sound and feel less boring. Get involved in voluntary/charity work in an area you're passionate about. Organise a charity skydive. Join a local book club (it's a cliche but whatever), learn a new instrument and get out there and play. If you are well rounded and interesting you usually have a variety of interests that you are demonstrably passionate about and can talk about when asked. And it'll help your self-esteem no end to be doing this stuff, meeting new people, and then knowing you have stuff to talk about to them. Always have a book on the go that you can discuss. Try always remember the last great movie you saw, or one that really sucked (but try not to sound too negative about everything all of the time). I already do voluntary charity work. I volunteer with 4 different organisations. I have raised money for charity in the past with my running and plan to do the same thing again by signing up for another race. I don't know an instrument but I sing. I want to one day learn piano or guitar. I like the idea of joining a local book group. I may actually do that. It would be fun I do need to do more reading and get more into my passions so I can talk about them more. I think I'm going to do that. It's like I feel kind of lost. I used to pursue a lot of things to try and get praise/interest from family members then when that didn't happen, had to pursue out of pure personal interest and I'm not used to that. It's totally different for me to do something without the expectation of praise or interest and just for myself because I like it. I don't watch TV and hardly watch movies so will try and watch more so I can talk about them more. It all boils down to chemistry, however. You either think somebody is fascinating or you don't. I can sit and listen to my boyfriend talk about his music and the stuff he's reading all day long because we click and I love hearing him speak. To somebody else he might be boring as sin and come across as though he thinks he's god's gift. Once I get onto certain topics it's difficult to shut me up because I'm so enthusiastic about them. Again, some people probably think I'm dull because I'm harping on about them but for somebody who clicks with me that enthusiasm is infectious and one of the things they love most about me. Yeah you're right. It does depend on who you're interacting with. I do find that I'm more behind on the self-development stakes because I lived so much for others before - had basically codependent relationships...so now I just feel so behind on knowing and appreciating myself and in developing my interests. I want to get that infectious enthusiasm back! I have that when I talk about my studies or fascinating stories from history or how much I enjoy working with children, which I've volunteered with for over 10 years. I also have lots of travel stories as I've visted 13 countries. I just need the confidence to be able to talk about it at length.
gaius Posted April 26, 2014 Posted April 26, 2014 The right guy will know how to calm you down and put you at ease. I remember one of my ex's was so nervous on our first date that she would try to rapid fire off a new question every time there was a second long lull in the conversation. Felt pressure to keep things going i guess. After about 30 minutes I got her relaxed and into the normal flow of things. Just the stories about your world travels and general banter about whats going on around you on the date should be plenty to make conversation with. 1
Author thecrucible Posted April 27, 2014 Author Posted April 27, 2014 Either the kind of guys you're going on dates are just selfish, or maybe you're not telling enough things for the guys to ask you more questions? I don't know for sure, but maybe its worth looking into. From what you already told me, I would have tons of questions for you if you were on a date with me. I'm maybe not putting myself across as well as I could. I'm quite a sweet and emotionally deep person. Takes a while to unwrap my mind haha. I'm not unfriendly...I'm pretty friendly but I don't share a lot up front. I need to be more sharing of myself. I think that's the problem. Sometimes it's cause they talk too much so I can't say much but I often I just freeze up. I'm sort of afraid that if I talk too much about myself then I'll bore them or I'll get caught out as a phony (probably my social anxiety surfacing). But after reading what you said, I decided I'd make a point of sharing more stories in future and I was thinking about it and remembered some cool stuff I haven't mentioned but is interesting At the moment figuring out whether I should let conversation die between people I go on dates with, don't seem interested but keep talking to me via email (maybe out of politeness I don't know). I wish life was simple...quite happy to have more friends as I don't consider that second-best by any stretch of the imagination. Its good that you're volunteering, and if you like the idea of the internship, you should take that opportunity and use it for progression once you do finally move into a bigger city. What are you goals and dreams? I have a degree in History. One day I'd like to become a professional archivist, in some kind of setting where I'll get to work with the public - help people like graduate researchers, academics, and the general public research information. I would love to be part of facilitating the assimilation and transfer of knowledge. So I am volunteering in that area. I'm applying to any relevent trainee position/masters course. In terms of other life stuff, I want to work up to becoming financial independent, have enough disposable income to travel a couple of times a year, continue working with youth, get married and have a family. I want to move away from my small town. I'm sure it's my imagination but I constantly have itchy feet wanting to move somewhere where I know no-one, although that'd be a bit of a challenge. Good idea ^ have you done this before in the past? I have but I really need to get my blog off the ground again! Oh and I'll bring up sports to help move conversations forward. Thats good to hear, do you enjoy introversion? or do you enjoy extroversion? Do you mean in myself, or others? I used to be pretty heavily attracted to extroverts. I'm an introvert myself but I need a lot of interaction with people to keep me in a good mood and don't like spending tonnes of time alone. I think someone similar to that would be good but maybe a little more outgoing than me in order to bring me out of my shell a bit. I find that very extroverted guys tend to overwhelm my emotions though. Thats perfectly reasonable and I agree too. Question, do you do those things to others? Yes I do. I'm a lot better at this than I ever used to be. I like connecting with people and hope they take the same attitude with me. I'm still improving though with thinking about asking more questions and that sort of thing. Cool, and what exactly is "acting completely like yourself"? I'm sweet, emotionally deep, silly, kind of quirky, like to discuss stuff I'm reading, sort of impetuous (so some guy would have to be the type to handle that), like to joke about a lot when I feel comfortable, kind of spacey like Phoebe from friends, have a slightly edgy sense of humour...that kind of thing...
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