may_girl Posted April 19, 2014 Posted April 19, 2014 Hi guys, I will give you some background: My male friend/FWB (let's call him 'A') and I have known each other for 9 years. This whole FWB situation is an odd one because it definitely is not convenient. Although we both originally lived in the same city (where we met), it is rare we are both there at the same time as we have both moved away for college. Due to this we are 3 hours apart almost all of the time. Anyway, after I broke up with my ex last January, 'A' consistently tried to meet up with me. We did have a thing previously before my ex but it didn't amount to anything. Admittedly, it was flattering but I didn't see anything more in it than what it was. When it was Christmas break we agreed to meet up - this resulted in me sleeping with him and staying over at his. I found there was a great deal of chemistry between us. This happened again once more in January when I went to visit 'A' at college. After this, my feelings began growing. We didn't meet up again for a while because of this - I told 'A' and he said nothing more would amount to us than what we already were. However, we both recently visited home again and last Thursday, we agreed to meet up. We started with a few drinks and things progressed pretty quickly. Again we ended up sleeping together and I stayed the night. Not just that, we cuddled, kissed, talked deeply and he expressed maybe meeting up again before he goes back on Monday. Since dropping me home, I have only received one text where he expressed how tired he was, and now it seems as though I don't exist to him. Although this is half my fault, I am hurt because this happened despite me being honest with him and him about my feelings. I feel like I have no control here and I am unsure what to do. Help?
sagetalk Posted April 19, 2014 Posted April 19, 2014 we are 3 hours apart almost all of the time. resulted in me sleeping with him and staying over at his. I told 'A' and he said nothing more would amount to us than what we already were. Again we ended up sleeping together and I stayed the night. I see a lot of sex, him saying you two are nothing, then more sex. Yet you want a relationship? That makes no sense. It never ceases to amaze me how guys continue to fall in the friend zone by not acting like a boyfriend, and girls fall into the screwzone by giving away too much too soon. may_girl, this is repeated over and over again on this site. If you want to have a serious relationship with a guy, you cannot hook up with him randomly. That is not how it works. He sees you as easy sex that he can go to when his relationship girls fall through. Please try to be more careful in the future. You are valuable, and should not just give yourself away too fast to someone unless you know they want a relationship as well. You should pursue other men and leave this guy in the dust. He will contact you in the future for sex, tell him no. 4
Author may_girl Posted April 19, 2014 Author Posted April 19, 2014 I see a lot of sex, him saying you two are nothing, then more sex. Yet you want a relationship? That makes no sense. It never ceases to amaze me how guys continue to fall in the friend zone by not acting like a boyfriend, and girls fall into the screwzone by giving away too much too soon. may_girl, this is repeated over and over again on this site. If you want to have a serious relationship with a guy, you cannot hook up with him randomly. That is not how it works. He sees you as easy sex that he can go to when his relationship girls fall through. Please try to be more careful in the future. You are valuable, and should not just give yourself away too fast to someone unless you know they want a relationship as well. You should pursue other men and leave this guy in the dust. He will contact you in the future for sex, tell him no. Thank you for your reply sagetalk - do you think I should say anything to him or just leave things as they are?
sagetalk Posted April 19, 2014 Posted April 19, 2014 Thank you for your reply sagetalk - do you think I should say anything to him or just leave things as they are? I would start looking for another guy and not think about him for another second. 2
stillafool Posted April 19, 2014 Posted April 19, 2014 I agree. What would you say to him? He has already said what you have is not going any further. You should go NC with him to get over him. Decide that the next guy you like you will not settle for a FWB relationship. It's basically sex and nothing else which is what this guy likes.
Gaeta Posted April 19, 2014 Posted April 19, 2014 .....and I stayed the night. Not just that, we cuddled, kissed, talked deeply and he expressed maybe meeting up again Too many women interpret the after sex bliss as expression of feelings, it's not. Some men will do that in a FWB dynamic and it means nothing. 3
truth_seeker Posted April 20, 2014 Posted April 20, 2014 Always the case with FWB... someone catches feelings. 1
Author may_girl Posted April 20, 2014 Author Posted April 20, 2014 Well he messaged me today. A strangely random one actually. He asked me completely out the blue about my ex boyfriend - whether he apologised for what he did to me and whether he admitted he was wrong (he cheated on me). And when I asked 'why the personal questions?', he simply replied that he thinks my ex is a d*** and I am better off without him. Surely personal conversations/messages shouldn't be a part of a FWB situation... right?
sagetalk Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 Well he messaged me today. A strangely random one actually. He asked me completely out the blue about my ex boyfriend - whether he apologised for what he did to me and whether he admitted he was wrong (he cheated on me). And when I asked 'why the personal questions?', he simply replied that he thinks my ex is a d*** and I am better off without him. Surely personal conversations/messages shouldn't be a part of a FWB situation... right? Please read the following post below again. I would start looking for another guy and not think about him for another second. His text changes nothing. If you keep thinking like this you're just going to have sex with him again and be right back on here telling us all how dumb you were. 2
Cpt Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 I would start looking for another guy and not think about him for another second. This ^ OP Not sure what you find attractive about a guy who would treat a girl like this. Good luck though.
Spectre Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 (edited) Okay so I am kind of shocked at everyone urging this person to find a new guy. Here is my take..I don't think the guy did anything wrong really. He initially told her the relationship would never be more then what it was. However..with her recent meeting with him..and the text he sent, something could of changed. I'm not trying to get the OP's hopes up, but it could be maybe he is also realizing he has some feelings for you too. So why just cut him loose? Who knows where the relationship could go. Like I said, not saying for sure, but I think it's crazy to just cut him loose if there is good chemistry here My advice would be to have one more talk with him, in person, and see what happens. Tell him you can't continue this FWB because you are developing feelings, but if there is even a small part of him that feels something for you maybe you guys should give it a shot. The very worst thing that could happen is he simply says he doesn't feel that way at all and then at least you know for sure. Edited April 21, 2014 by Spectre 1
KatZee Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 You're his FWB. FRIENDS with benefits. You've also known him for NINE YEARS. He's not a booty call, he IS your friend. So he will take an interest in your life and express concern for you. This DOESN'T mean it's going to turn into a relationship, quite the opposite in fact. He already told you it's not going past casual sex. Don't stick around hoping he'll change his mind. He won't, and he's going to be REAL confused when you go crying to him about how you're hurt, or this and that. He was very honest from the very beginning. End the FWB. You clearly can't handle it. Back away from him until you're over him, possibly resume a platonic friendship down the line. 1
contact1 Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 You have to realize that he was honest with you almost. When a guy tells you it won't go any further, he literally means it WILL NOT go any further. Anything else you are seeing or thinking, is just your own imagination of trying to grasp at a relationship that won't happen. Also, people are being too harsh on this guy, he did nothing wrong, he didn't deceive her, he was honest, she is just refusing to listen. Break the FWB with him, because it is only going to hurt you more, and you can tell him why you are breaking it, because you want more and it won't happen with him. 1
Kamila Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 He's sending the text to cover up his need for sex. And he knows with you it won't be that difficult to have. See, he's asking you personal questions about your ex. He knows that will trigger an emotional response from you like: "He's so considerate, he cares for me afterall..." Sorry to say this, but he has control over you. The only way to break this and to have control over your life is if you go no contact. Do it for yourself. Put boundaries, now. 4
atlg8r Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 Okay so I am kind of shocked at everyone urging this person to find a new guy. Here is my take..I don't think the guy did anything wrong really. He initially told her the relationship would never be more then what it was. However..with her recent meeting with him..and the text he sent, something could of changed. I'm not trying to get the OP's hopes up, but it could be maybe he is also realizing he has some feelings for you too. So why just cut him loose? Who knows where the relationship could go. Like I said, not saying for sure, but I think it's crazy to just cut him loose if there is good chemistry here My advice would be to have one more talk with him, in person, and see what happens. Tell him you can't continue this FWB because you are developing feelings, but if there is even a small part of him that feels something for you maybe you guys should give it a shot. The very worst thing that could happen is he simply says he doesn't feel that way at all and then at least you know for sure. WRONG. If he were having feelings or wanted to date her, he would make it known. If she has that conversation with him, I almost guarantee he will say something nice to manipulate her and get her hopes up, she will sleep with him again, and then he will hurt her feelings once more by reminding her they won't be anything more.
atlg8r Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 ...and he's going to be REAL confused when you go crying to him about how you're hurt, or this and that. He was very honest from the very beginning. This. He may even get mad at the OP or think she's crazy for not taking him at his word. But girls do that all the time.
BJP56 Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 Hi guys, I will give you some background: My male friend/FWB (let's call him 'A') and I have known each other for 9 years. This whole FWB situation is an odd one because it definitely is not convenient. Although we both originally lived in the same city (where we met), it is rare we are both there at the same time as we have both moved away for college. Due to this we are 3 hours apart almost all of the time. Anyway, after I broke up with my ex last January, 'A' consistently tried to meet up with me. We did have a thing previously before my ex but it didn't amount to anything. Admittedly, it was flattering but I didn't see anything more in it than what it was. When it was Christmas break we agreed to meet up - this resulted in me sleeping with him and staying over at his. I found there was a great deal of chemistry between us. This happened again once more in January when I went to visit 'A' at college. After this, my feelings began growing. We didn't meet up again for a while because of this - I told 'A' and he said nothing more would amount to us than what we already were. However, we both recently visited home again and last Thursday, we agreed to meet up. We started with a few drinks and things progressed pretty quickly. Again we ended up sleeping together and I stayed the night. Not just that, we cuddled, kissed, talked deeply and he expressed maybe meeting up again before he goes back on Monday. Since dropping me home, I have only received one text where he expressed how tired he was, and now it seems as though I don't exist to him. Although this is half my fault, I am hurt because this happened despite me being honest with him and him about my feelings. I feel like I have no control here and I am unsure what to do. Help? FWB's can get toxic in a hurry, one or both will get hurt. I am dealing with it right now. I let a lot of my feelings be known and I got hurt. Time will only heal that wound. Never assume anything in a FWB relationship.
Spectre Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 WRONG. If he were having feelings or wanted to date her, he would make it known. If she has that conversation with him, I almost guarantee he will say something nice to manipulate her and get her hopes up, she will sleep with him again, and then he will hurt her feelings once more by reminding her they won't be anything more. Not exactly true, everyone is different.
Emilia Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 OP, you asked him and he said it wouldn't be more than what it is now. I would move on. The rest is just blah and noise. 2
Author may_girl Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 Hi guys, Thank you all for your replies. I have taken them into account and decided to end it. I sent him a final message a few days ago expressing that I wasn't looking for a fwb-type situation anymore and that I wanted somebody more permanent and stable. Since that wasn't him, I said we should break it off and say goodbye. No hard feelings. I wished him luck in everything he does. He replied almost immediately, acting defensive. He asked if I thought he did anything wrong and if he didn't give me what I wanted, whether he should be held to account for it. I simply replied with 'you did nothing wrong and you're not accountable for anything. I just don't want this now and that's it. I won't be replying now" Since then he has sent me three texts a few days apart from each other, telling me he feels somewhat responsible towards me, and that he doesn't want to. Then he asked whether I wanted to initially get involved in this. Finally he said "I am sorry for the way I am". I am wondering; am I doing the right thing here going full NC, no replies to anything? I feel harsh but at the same time I know this is right for me. No messages detail anything that shows he feels any different to what I predicted. Part of me thinks he is sore from the rejection and obviously he has lost out here on a situation where he was getting no strings attached sex - ideal for any guy right? Thanks again for all your input 2
atlg8r Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 Hi guys, Thank you all for your replies. I have taken them into account and decided to end it. I sent him a final message a few days ago expressing that I wasn't looking for a fwb-type situation anymore and that I wanted somebody more permanent and stable. Since that wasn't him, I said we should break it off and say goodbye. No hard feelings. I wished him luck in everything he does. He replied almost immediately, acting defensive. He asked if I thought he did anything wrong and if he didn't give me what I wanted, whether he should be held to account for it. I simply replied with 'you did nothing wrong and you're not accountable for anything. I just don't want this now and that's it. I won't be replying now" Since then he has sent me three texts a few days apart from each other, telling me he feels somewhat responsible towards me, and that he doesn't want to. Then he asked whether I wanted to initially get involved in this. Finally he said "I am sorry for the way I am". I am wondering; am I doing the right thing here going full NC, no replies to anything? I feel harsh but at the same time I know this is right for me. No messages detail anything that shows he feels any different to what I predicted. Part of me thinks he is sore from the rejection and obviously he has lost out here on a situation where he was getting no strings attached sex - ideal for any guy right? Thanks again for all your input IMO, he is either trying to get you to give in and maintain the FWB situation that he's lost out on, or he's trying to ease his guilty conscience. Either way, I think you are doing the right thing by not responding. It will just cause you more hurt. He should respect you enough to let you move on, and if his feelings were to change, he would let you know that. Keep it up! Take care of yourself! 1
Author may_girl Posted April 28, 2014 Author Posted April 28, 2014 IMO, he is either trying to get you to give in and maintain the FWB situation that he's lost out on, or he's trying to ease his guilty conscience. Either way, I think you are doing the right thing by not responding. It will just cause you more hurt. He should respect you enough to let you move on, and if his feelings were to change, he would let you know that. Keep it up! Take care of yourself! Thank you You're right. He has expressed in the past though that we wouldn't work out in a relationship because I am too safe for him. He likes chasing girls. Knowing him in that way I don't think he will stop yet because he sees this as a 'bit of hard work'. I hope he does stop because it's just not fair. 1
saltyfishhead666 Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 And this is exactly the reason I couldn't do friends with benefits. Find someone who wants ALL of you and not just the "fun" bits. While it may have been ideal for you, and him when it began. It's not ideal for you now and a relationship isn't ideal for him. Sorry Hun!
atlg8r Posted April 28, 2014 Posted April 28, 2014 Thank you You're right. He has expressed in the past though that we wouldn't work out in a relationship because I am too safe for him. He likes chasing girls. Knowing him in that way I don't think he will stop yet because he sees this as a 'bit of hard work'. I hope he does stop because it's just not fair. My ex used to do this. Whenever I'd break up with him or pull away, he'd work that much harder to "get me back." But then, he'd stop making the effort and frankly treat me like crap. That was a miserable 7 years of my life! Glad you are looking out for yourself. 1
Recommended Posts