Trust your gut insticts and never go wrong.

[Nismo]

Hello everyone,

 

I'm Nismo, new here and wanted to share my stories to hopefully help someone that might be in the same boat but doesn't know what to do.

 

This all started when I was I started dating this girl "Sora".early August last year. I'm in the military and stationed in Germany and she's Polish, beautiful girl. Anyway, we started dating and things were pretty damn good. Started to have a bumpy road because she had a lot of guy friends which I was okay with but they would message her more then her girlfriends would. I tried and understand that we come from two different cultures but I asked her if she could tone it down a bit with all the guys, which she told me she did, then come to find out she kinda never did. We argued a bit and eventually she did cut it a bit and then when they would write, I was okay with it because it wasn't so frequently as before.

 

Well, let's fast forward to March, mid March in fact. She was always kind of cold and not so loving, again culture difference, these people take things really really slow. Anyway, at first we were making plans on visiting my family in California in August 2014 and began to make little plans. Well, then mid March hit and she slowly started acting a bit different, (always notice the subtle difference, theirs always a reason for everything). I asked her about it but she said she didn't like talking about her feelings...ok enough said, thought maybe she needed some space. Well, she pretty much started to act a bit stranger then usual, especially when we would be in her city, (which everyone knows everyone there).Again, a subtle change, asked why she stopped holding my hand or walking next to me like we're friends, said I was being dumb. So I left it alone.

 

Fast forward to two weeks ago, I went to surprise her at her apartment which is in a different city about a hour away from the city I just mentioned. When I got there, she was getting off work and I saw she was on the phone and when she saw me, she got startled and got off the phone. Seemed odd and I asked her who she was talking to in a jokingly manner. She stuttered and said her mom.... Okay, I'm not the type of guy to look through anyone's phone and at this point I had to look. So I asked for her phone and it showed that she was talking to a girl. Seemed odd to me that she would lie about talking with a gf. So I riefly opened the whatsapp and saw that she was also chatting with the same girl....this "girl" was really her ex bf of 3 years. I asked why she would lie and make things look suspicious. She told me she didn't want to get me upset, which in return told her that things like this looked suspect. Through out all these events I've always been having a gut feeling something was up.

 

Finally talked to her and asking what's going on and she said nothing at all, that they just talk because he is going to fix her car. Still didn't buy it. After a gruesome weekend gone to waste on this topic of what's going on...and rolled over to Monday too, she told me that she still kind of sort of misses her ex. (According to her, they broke up 4 months before her and I started dating). Seemed odd that she still missed him after one year but I tried to understand it. I asked if he knew that I was in the picture now, she replied "i don't know, he never asked me this"....again, seems odd, gut feeling. I told her that I'd prefer to meet him is he is going to be constant in her life since I didn't want to tale that friendship away from her or something.

 

Something really didn't seem right and again gut feeling. I told her that maybe this is why she's been distant and maybe its better to talk with him about this. Can't compete with 3 years of relationship time. She started act dumb, not answering questions and when she would answer, she'd say things that had nothing to do with anything.

 

I decided to let her go and allow nature to take its course for those two because she seemed that she always wanted this guy back and I was going to set myself up. Trying to be a good lad about everything, yesterday I wrote her ex a message on fb and told him that and "Sora" still him and that I'm stepping out of the picture for the greater good and best wishes.

 

Long story long, turns out; they he had ended the relationship in November last year, Sora and I had dated in August. He didn't know either that her and I were together. And more things that are a bit more personal. I feel bad of course because I got played pretty much and I really liked her, but I really feel bad for the guy because pretty much before his relationship ended of 3 years, she had started a new one with me. And I'm sure they were talking to maybe work things out. Now he wants to meet face to face so we can talk.

 

Sorry for the long story, but the moral of the story, Trust your Gut folks.

[Frank2thepoint]

Started to have a bumpy road because she had a lot of guy friends which I was okay with but they would message her more then her girlfriends would. I tried and understand that we come from two different cultures but I asked her if she could tone it down a bit with all the guys, which she told me she did, then come to find out she kinda never did.

 

I think this is perfectly justified for you to convey your disapproval of her behavior with her male friends. The fact that she ignored your concerns, is the first sign she isn't taking you seriously.

 

 

She was always kind of cold and not so loving, again culture difference, these people take things really really slow.

 

Personally I don't buy this. For me this is a deal breaker and I would of left her. It's not a cultural difference per se in this case, more like she's not into you as much.

 

 

I asked her about it but she said she didn't like talking about her feelings...ok enough said, thought maybe she needed some space. Well, she pretty much started to act a bit stranger then usual, especially when we would be in her city, (which everyone knows everyone there).Again, a subtle change, asked why she stopped holding my hand or walking next to me like we're friends, said I was being dumb.

 

Big red flag. She doesn't like talking about her feelings, while you do. You two are incompatible at this point. There is nothing, short of divine intervention, that would allow you both to have a functional, healthy relationship. You should given her permanent space at this point. Then there's the huge red flag that she is not comfortable being seen in public with you. I have a feeling she has a local guy in her city, and since everyone knows everyone, tongues will wag. She's not being very sincere.

 

 

Fast forward to two weeks ago, I went to surprise her at her apartment which is in a different city about a hour away from the city I just mentioned. When I got there, she was getting off work and I saw she was on the phone and when she saw me, she got startled and got off the phone. Seemed odd and I asked her who she was talking to in a jokingly manner. She stuttered and said her mom.... Okay, I'm not the type of guy to look through anyone's phone and at this point I had to look. So I asked for her phone and it showed that she was talking to a girl. Seemed odd to me that she would lie about talking with a gf. So I riefly opened the whatsapp and saw that she was also chatting with the same girl....this "girl" was really her ex bf of 3 years. I asked why she would lie and make things look suspicious. She told me she didn't want to get me upset, which in return told her that things like this looked suspect. Through out all these events I've always been having a gut feeling something was up.

 

Ah, so she does have a local guy. Her ex boyfriend. She's a tricksy little devil by renaming her ex-boyfriend on her phone to a girl's name to throw off the scent of lies. But seriously, why are you going through this girl's phone? If you've had this gut feeling all along, then why didn't you listen to it? Her actions with you painted the entire picture about her without you needing to confront her. She telegraphed her whole situation through body language and her behavior toward you.

 

 

Long story long, turns out; they he had ended the relationship in November last year, Sora and I had dated in August. He didn't know either that her and I were together. And more things that are a bit more personal. I feel bad of course because I got played pretty much and I really liked her, but I really feel bad for the guy because pretty much before his relationship ended of 3 years, she had started a new one with me. And I'm sure they were talking to maybe work things out. Now he wants to meet face to face so we can talk.

 

So why are you and the ex-boyfriend meeting? Have a drink, bad-mouth the girl, and high-five each other? Yes it's messed up what she did, being immature, jumping from one relationship to another, but don't drag her through the mud. It'll make you jaded. Take it as a life lesson, be more perceptive and particular about the girls you date.

 

 

Sorry for the long story, but the moral of the story, Trust your Gut folks.

 

Yes trusting gut instincts, especially when you feel something is significantly wrong about the other person's behavior, is a good prophet. You did some good things by talking with her, but you should of also made the decision to walk away sooner. Thanks for sharing. Hopefully others with similar experiences will read this and learn.

[Nismo]

I know asking to go through her phone wasn't right and I agree that we should all respect privacy. In my defense, she had been acting so strange and this damn gut feeling. And I also asked to see it, didn't do it when she left the room or something of the sort.

 

And I'm meeting up with him not to bad mouth her, its not in my nature. I think its normal to ask questions when receiving such information, maybe helps him with closure.

[GoreSP]

My gut feelings have done me wrong in the past…but never as much as my 'head' has...