pantaganalapampa Posted February 3, 2005 Posted February 3, 2005 When I talk to my boyfriend about something that I'm going through or a situation that I want his advice in, he lamely gives me a small pinch of advice or solace, and then says, "I don't know." What IS that? It happens constantly. So, what this means is that I don't talk to him about things because I don't want to hear the "I don't know." I want to feel comforted and he doesn't offer me enough comfort in situations where I think he should. I feel it's almost a rejection of the conversation, an easy way out of responding. And it's really beginning to bug me. He's a great guy, and I love him to death for all sorts of reasons. But this...this is an issue. Can anyone help shed some light on a similar attitude in their relationship or similar situation?
Pocky Posted February 3, 2005 Posted February 3, 2005 Have you told him that it bothers you when he states, "I don't know" during the conversation?
Merin Posted February 3, 2005 Posted February 3, 2005 Not the same thing as a romantic relationship.. BUT My sister often calls me to tell me about something thats going on in her relationship.. and because I've discussed this "issue" with her several times, and I really feel I've given her all the comfort, advice, perspective that I can regarding the topic I will often listen to her and in the end say "I don't know" I don't mean this to dismiss her in anyway.. or to minimize what is going on with her.. but honestly I just don't know what else to say to help her out or offer new perspective.. So with that said.. is it possible that perhaps your BF isn't sure what else to offer when things happen in your life.. that are maybe re-occuring topics?
alphamale Posted February 3, 2005 Posted February 3, 2005 Originally posted by pantaganalapampa He's a great guy, and I love him to death for all sorts of reasons. But this...this is an issue. Can anyone help shed some light on a similar attitude in their relationship or similar situation? smart dudes know that women really don't want advice or solutions. they just want to talk talk talk talk talk talk until the sun sets. see.....women feel better just by talking and getting things off their chest but many times they don't want to hear advice or a fix for the problem. and even if their man does give 'em advice or a solution the women ususally just blow it off and don't follow thru. this is my experience. so women intuitively know this when they are dealing with other women but many men do not. so what are you looking for from him? are u really looking for advice and solution or are you just looking to talk and feel better?? if it is the latter you should talk with your female friends about it.
Author pantaganalapampa Posted February 3, 2005 Author Posted February 3, 2005 I've definitely told him that it continues to annoy me when he remarks with "I don't know." But, what can he say? Nothing really. Why? Because he doesn't know what else to say. Merin wrote that when she's continued to examine something for her sister and feels that she's given all feedback and support that she can, there's really just nothing else to say. And I totally understand that. But, I feel he says it all the time - to everything. And that he can regularly not give me anything valuable to contemplate or reflect on or question eats at me.
Author pantaganalapampa Posted February 3, 2005 Author Posted February 3, 2005 Alphamale, I am a woman who speaks only when she needs to. I don't talk to hear myself talk, and I don't entertain frivolous conversations very often, even with girlfriends. I don't have the time for that kind of nonsense. So, when I genuinely ask a question seeking a response, I am hoping that my man can shed some light where maybe I don't see it.
whichwayisup Posted February 3, 2005 Posted February 3, 2005 smart dudes know that women really don't want advice or solutions. they just want to talk talk talk talk talk talk until the sun sets. see.....women feel better just by talking and getting things off their chest but many times they don't want to hear advice or a fix for the problem. and even if their man does give 'em advice or a solution the women ususally just blow it off and don't follow thru. this is my experience. That is so true. Sometimes I just need to vent it out. I don't want anybody telling me anything or how to fix it. My husband is a fixer so I have to just tell him, "babe, I'm just venting so don't worry about helping me on this one." Then he knows and shuts up! LOL! But when I DO need his advice, some of it is good and some of it isn't. If it isn't good, DO not tell him that it isn't, just say thanks for listening to me and being supportive...Then you just don't follow his advice. Atleast he is trying and showing he cares about you. He just isn't sure how to communicate yet, just be patient and eventually he'll get it. If he doesn't then write him a note and sit with him while he reads it...Then get him to write out what he is thinking...Maybe he can express himself better that way. Just a suggestion. Good luck!!
alphamale Posted February 3, 2005 Posted February 3, 2005 Originally posted by pantaganalapampa But, I feel he says it all the time - to everything. And that he can regularly not give me anything valuable to contemplate or reflect on or question eats at me. Well then, PANTAGANALAPAMPA, maybe you are his intellectual superior then? Is that possible? Maybe he really just does not know.
Author pantaganalapampa Posted February 3, 2005 Author Posted February 3, 2005 Originally posted by whichwayisup Atleast he is trying and showing he cares about you. He just isn't sure how to communicate yet, just be patient and eventually he'll get it. If he doesn't then write him a note and sit with him while he reads it...Then get him to write out what he is thinking...Maybe he can express himself better that way. Just a suggestion. Good luck!! Thanks for your suggestion. I may try that.
Author pantaganalapampa Posted February 3, 2005 Author Posted February 3, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale Well then, PANTAGANALAPAMPA, maybe you are his intellectual superior then? Is that possible? Maybe he really just does not know. Well, Alpha, he has actually said that. He says that he enjoys talking to me about things because to him I am so intelligent. But I come to him for the same reason. Yes, we are intelligent in different ways, but I think that sometimes he doesn't want to sound silly or uneducated, so he refrains from offering anything.
alphamale Posted February 3, 2005 Posted February 3, 2005 Originally posted by pantaganalapampa Yes, we are intelligent in different ways, but I think that sometimes he doesn't want to sound silly or uneducated, so he refrains from offering anything. well then the above is your answer then!
Author pantaganalapampa Posted February 3, 2005 Author Posted February 3, 2005 That's such a cop-out! And unacceptable. He and I have had this intelligent conversation before, and it's just ridiculous to think that way. I've told him that it doesn't matter and that I want to hear what he has to say. Dammit. I don't know.
GirlDown Posted February 3, 2005 Posted February 3, 2005 Originally posted by pantaganalapampa Dammit. I don't know. A-HA!!!!!
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