Spectre Posted April 19, 2014 Posted April 19, 2014 (edited) Why bother even saving this marriage? Your wife pre planned her betrayal here, she even got other people in on it. She can't love or respect you..so why stay? I'm sorry, but your wife doesn't love you, so why would you even want to stay? Why be around all these toxic people? Go find someone who won't lie to your face everyday for 2 years. The wifes sister, is she married? I'd be having a talk with her husband if she is. He needs to know what kind of woman he is with. Edited April 19, 2014 by Spectre 4
hard2c Posted April 19, 2014 Posted April 19, 2014 bizarre how an affair could have survived so long without getting caught. HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT IT WAS AN AFFAIR? Could it all be lies, maybe nothing happened at all.
No Limit Posted April 19, 2014 Posted April 19, 2014 bizarre how an affair could have survived so long without getting caught. HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT IT WAS AN AFFAIR? Could it all be lies, maybe nothing happened at all. Even mroe bizarre; this affair WAS caught long ago but survived anyway. This don't-care-attitude of your neighbors is sickening suckerpunch55. You've been the laughing stock of town for 2 years. Why save this marriage? Why be the laughing stock forever? 3
Spectre Posted April 20, 2014 Posted April 20, 2014 If the wife's sister is married I still say you definitely need to have a convo with that man. He needs to know the type of person he is with, you will be doing him a service.
painfullyobvious Posted April 20, 2014 Posted April 20, 2014 Yeah I felt I was the last to know when I caught my ex as well. So people are afraid of getting in the middle of other peoples relationships because they are afraid of being ridiculed in a shoot the messenger type fashion. Some individuals feel like they must choose a side. Others chose to do nothing wondering if there is an agreed upon straying clause in their relationship. There are many reasons people keep their mouths shut. When the truth finally came out I understood why her family protected her affair but I thought I was like family too. During the reconciling phase I remember looking around the table thinking "You are all jerks for protecting each other and my lack of trust spilled unto them and my ex". I never trusted any of them ever again or went out of my way to help them. I was sarcastic and blunt when we left family gathering at her families while reconciling stating I was trying to accept their daughter but I would never trust anything any of them said or did. I hated the family members and friends that assisted in covering her affair and making excuses why I could not locate her at times. It affected my ability to reconcile with my ex. I cut ties with those that actively helped her cheat. It is one thing to not tell a person about cheating it is another to assist in it. Some people don't want to get involved in others domestic problems. I would straight out ask people if they knew and why they didn't tell you if it is important to you. I forgave those that didn't tell me because I have remained quiet in situations of cheating because I felt it was none of my business. If it was a close friend I tell but other friends I keep quiet. I think those that remained quiet may not have wanted to get involved and if it is nothing more than that friendships should continue. I assumed once that someone else was going to tell this friend in my social circle. No one else did and she wasn't happy when I told her I knew. Knowing about relationship affairs puts many in a quandary. I would have liked to know about my exes affair much earlier than I did. I understood why people remained quiet and initially I was embarrassed because I felt like I was the only one who didn't know. After a while I assessed those friends that said nothing. tried to gauge their motives and if I felt they were not shielding me for the benefit of my exes I affair I kept their friendship. As always you need to make your own decision on this. 2
janedoe67 Posted April 20, 2014 Posted April 20, 2014 I think this only makes reconciling harder. I cant really imagine how you explain to her how you don't want these people around anymore. The sister will always be a part of her life so you can bet she will always work against you. I personally would just kick her and her friends and family to the curb. I think you would have better luck with a stranger than friends and family like that. I feel bad for you. It was a part in my life as well. Clay I think explaining is easy: These people condoned your behavior and made a fool of me. They are pout. You fight that, you're out too. 1
Author suckerpunch55 Posted April 20, 2014 Author Posted April 20, 2014 Thanks for all the advice, most of you are right about the 'so called friends' but a few of the 'friends' have told me they didn't know what to do because of divided loyalties, this I can understand just a little. I got to thinking a lot recently and thought what I would do in a similar situation, and of course I would tell tell a friend if his wife was having an affair but realize that it would possibly cause a marriage or relationship breakup. One of my wife's friends took the way out of just breaking contact with my wife and myself while the affair was going on, this was the best option for her she thought. People take different views on this things I guess. It's 1 month now since I found out and we are still working this through, still mighty, mighty difficult, I feel almost broken by it and all the stress but I'm hanging in there. 1
Arvin_Solheim Posted April 20, 2014 Posted April 20, 2014 I'm not the first or the last that's for sure but I'm devastated to find out that other people knew my wife's affair was going on on, her sister and some work colleagues had been aware of the affair for the last 2 years, and I found out today how many of our 'friends' knew about it. These people I considered good friends and have know years, many were regular visitors to our house and went on holiday with us. I trying to keep things civil because we are trying to repair our marriage but I feel I've been betrayed by everyone, why didn't someone tell me that this was going on for so long? I just cannot comprehend. Usually people don't like to get themselves involved in other people's mess.... I for one always kept an eye out for my friends whom were cheated on and whenever I suspected their partners I tried to find concrete proof and let them know....but most people(90%) would never do that for their friends because they feel like it's none of their business; women usually have each other's back in these situations so cross out your wife girl friends and sister.....they would never do that....but yes if your guy friends knew about the affair and didn't tell you, they're not very good friends, get rid of them.
Author suckerpunch55 Posted April 21, 2014 Author Posted April 21, 2014 My wife confessed when I confronted her, I just had a feeling that something was not right, I totally did not expect her to admit to it but there we go
odinseye Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 I'm not the first or the last that's for sure but I'm devastated to find out that other people knew my wife's affair was going on on, her sister and some work colleagues had been aware of the affair for the last 2 years, and I found out today how many of our 'friends' knew about it. These people I considered good friends and have know years, many were regular visitors to our house and went on holiday with us. I trying to keep things civil because we are trying to repair our marriage but I feel I've been betrayed by everyone, why didn't someone tell me that this was going on for so long? I just cannot comprehend. Sir For a very long time this year I thought mine was a very Isolated problem, I was kept in the dark by, family, friends and coworkers because it gave them the ability to force me to what they felt I should do, it left my wife alone. I will say that I live in a society that has considered me an outsider because I did not grow up here, many felt I was taking things that they rightfully should have had. My father was also an active person in a conspiracy against me. He even set my wife up with the son of a friend of his, told her that the women around there had regular sex with men who were not their husband. I finally found out about what had happened, have many going to court including my father, He is screaming even to the judge in one hearing, all my son is, is a crybaby about having to be a man, work like a man, show sportsmanship like a man. So what if he was required to be a man, so what if he lost out on things he wanted to do, He did get a day off once in a while, sure it was over years but other people needed the weekends, holidays, and vacations far more than he did, he was born to work, he should never have married. He needs to shut up and be responsible to everyone else, what was done with my large son, helped many others have very good lives. He should have pride in that, but he wants what he wants like an immature child, he raped his wife, he just about killed a BF of hers, he refused to back off a job he wanted when another more important person wanted it. All said there have been charges filed, My wife has been charged with marital fraud and extortion, there are other charges on a federal level being filed, Conspiracy to deny civil rights and maintaining a person as an indentured servant through threat and intimidation. I feel vindicated, but my life is over, there are many other people that live this kind of life out there, there is not a need for a divorce now, she will have to face the music on her own. People don't owe to society, they work with them, when society misuses one in it and gets away with it then many others will get the same treatment. In your situation if it was me I would have a party, your wife included, When it started I would hand her the marriage licence as confetti, then give her twenty dollars and ask for one more romp, and turn to my so called friends and say I will advertise that you are all running a brothel, might get you a good life, as for my next stop is a new life, good by, oh by the way the bill for this party is on the table. you can pay the caterer
10thengineerharrison Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 Thanks for all the advice, most of you are right about the 'so called friends' but a few of the 'friends' have told me they didn't know what to do because of divided loyalties, this I can understand just a little. I got to thinking a lot recently and thought what I would do in a similar situation, and of course I would tell tell a friend if his wife was having an affair but realize that it would possibly cause a marriage or relationship breakup. This is incorrect. Telling the truth doesn't cause relationships to break up. Having affairs does. One of my wife's friends took the way out of just breaking contact with my wife and myself while the affair was going on, this was the best option for her she thought. People take different views on this things I guess. It's 1 month now since I found out and we are still working this through, still mighty, mighty difficult, I feel almost broken by it and all the stress but I'm hanging in there. You never said how long you've been married or whether you have kids. -10th Engineer Harrison 1
Arvin_Solheim Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 My father was also an active person in a conspiracy against me. He even set my wife up with the son of a friend of his, told her that the women around there had regular sex with men who were not their husband. Where in the hell did you move to that it was "Regular" for women to sleep with men other than their husband? I've been around the world and I haven't come across many groups of people that look too kindly on such behaviour.....
Spectre Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 My wife confessed when I confronted her, I just had a feeling that something was not right, I totally did not expect her to admit to it but there we go At least now you know what you need to do: get rid of this woman. Get her out of your life as quick as possible, at the speed of light if you can.
peaksandvalleys Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 I'm not the first or the last that's for sure but I'm devastated to find out that other people knew my wife's affair was going on on, her sister and some work colleagues had been aware of the affair for the last 2 years, and I found out today how many of our 'friends' knew about it. These people I considered good friends and have know years, many were regular visitors to our house and went on holiday with us. I trying to keep things civil because we are trying to repair our marriage but I feel I've been betrayed by everyone, why didn't someone tell me that this was going on for so long? I just cannot comprehend. I can understand how you would feel betrayed by those who you considered friends. My friends love me and I would expect them to love me enough to not see someone else hurt me for years. If I found out that anyone I considered a friend knew of the years of cheating the ex did and didn't tell me. I know they would be booted from my life without a second glance. I am sorry you are hurting and have been hurt by so many people.
Author suckerpunch55 Posted April 22, 2014 Author Posted April 22, 2014 This is incorrect. Telling the truth doesn't cause relationships to break up. Having affairs does. You never said how long you've been married or whether you have kids. -10th Engineer Harrison over 24 years now and we have 3 kids
aliveagain Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 over 24 years now and we have 3 kids Still wasn't enough to stop her from being unfaithful. We all value things differently, she must have put a very high value on other man regardless of what she may tell you, two years is a very long time to risk 3 children and your 24 year marriage for. The part that bothers me is she shared her betrayal of you with so many and not one of them cared enough to tell you, they just let it keep happening. I wonder if any of them entertained her and the other man, is that possible? 1
Author suckerpunch55 Posted April 23, 2014 Author Posted April 23, 2014 I don't really want to think about that, there are so many different scenarios that may or may not have happened that it's making me paranoid, don't really want to quiz my wife any more at this point as she's told me her affair is over now and I don't won't to drive her back to him.
10thengineerharrison Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 I don't really want to think about that, there are so many different scenarios that may or may not have happened that it's making me paranoid, don't really want to quiz my wife any more at this point as she's told me her affair is over now and I don't won't to drive her back to him. I'd been married 26 years when I discovered my W's affair. It went on, off and on, for 11 years prior. I'm certain that coworkers of hers knew about the affair and didn't tell me. She thought she and Rat Meat were being discreet and nobody knew. But I still run into old acquaintances of hers who I can tell must have known. Understand that nothing you could say or do could "drive her back to him". If she's inclined to return to the affair, it's because of her broken moral compass and poor and thoughtless choices. Not because of anything you might say or do. -10th Engineer Harrison 3
Try Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 I don't really want to think about that, there are so many different scenarios that may or may not have happened that it's making me paranoid, don't really want to quiz my wife any more at this point as she's told me her affair is over now and I don't won't to drive her back to him. Your fear of losing her will in fact open the door to her resuming the affair or having another affair. Now that you know about the affair, she is waiting to see what you will do. If in the end all that you do is sweep it under the rug and not want to talk about it, then she will know that she can cheat again without the fear of losing you. Also, you stating that you "don't won't to drive her back to him", makes it sound like she is a prize to be won, and that you must be in competition with this other man in order to win. She either is remorseful for her cheating or she is not. You did not drive her into the affair, and you cannot drive her into it now if she is remorseful and understands and respects you and your marraige. What concerns me most is that she had an affair and did not have the decency to keep it a secret from people that you both know and even vacationed with. This is very disrespectful. If she actually brought the other man as her date with any of these people, then the level of disrespect for you as a man and for the marraige does not bode well for you long term. You need to ask questions. You need to have her be truly remorseful. Weakness and fear now will mean the end of your marraige in the long run unless you are OK with being a cuckold that looks the other way as she sees other men. 1
Friskyone4u Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 I understand that you are trying to shield yourself and your wife from any more pain, but you are asking for more of the same. Why on earth would you believe anything she has told you and why would you not think there is a lot she has not told you? So basically for two years she carries this on, friends know and you still do t know how much and who, and you are so desperate to keep her that you are ok with her explanations and lets just forget it happened. That is not a recipe for success in R. Next time she will be more careful and your friends not know, but she now knows she can get away with this goes about her business . If you do g figure out what caused this or get some real info it will be underground with this guy or someone else. She wanted to have sex with another man. You need to know why not just that it happened
2sunny Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 Ignoring what's real - and the truth - never helped a marriage heal. Living in fear that she may cheat again is like living in hell - you've still made that choice to hand HER all YOUR power. Still being stuck at the mercy of what she may or may not do shows you have a lot to work on. I hope you seek professional guidance to grow and learn how to become a man that honors and respects yourself.
harrybrown Posted April 24, 2014 Posted April 24, 2014 Do not rugsweep her affair. You will not get over this by not asking her more questions. She needs to tell you what is on her mind, does she really love you or are you a backup plan?
Spectre Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 (edited) I'm sorry man, there is not a single scenario where you should get back with this woman, not unless you intend to make sure you are miserable for the rest of your life. Just don't do it. Respect yourself more then that. Are you a terrible person? Do you punch babies and kick puppies? No? Then you do not deserve this. Please, there are plenty of women on this planet who would never dream of doing this to someone they love. I urge you to go find one of them. I know sometimes these boards can make them seem like a rare commodity, but that isn't exactly the case. It is entirely possible to have a not 100% perfect relationship with someone that still involves zero cheating. These have not gone the way of the Dodo. I've been at some low points where one might get convinced that is indeed the case, but it isn't. Edited April 25, 2014 by Spectre
sidney2718 Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 A lot of people don't want to get involved because of the drama that usually ensues afterwards, and many take on the "mind my own business" stance. I've seen it time and again. No one wants to be the whistleblower because they often become the scapegoat for the cheater and the source of blame for bringing havoc to the relationship instead of the actual act of cheating. As a result, they stay quiet, no matter how wrong they think it is. Especially if they have no first-hand information about the affair. How horrible would it be to tell the BS and then have the information turn out to be wrong. In this case I'd want to know what those friends actually knew and how did they know?
sidney2718 Posted April 25, 2014 Posted April 25, 2014 I don't really want to think about that, there are so many different scenarios that may or may not have happened that it's making me paranoid, don't really want to quiz my wife any more at this point as she's told me her affair is over now and I don't won't to drive her back to him. Is she at all concerned that you might leave her? It would be strange if she were not. You have to do what you think is best, but my feeling is that you will not ever be comfortable until you know more about the affair. You might want to point out to her that the marriage is sliding toward oblivion because of her silence. YOU are the betrayed spouse and there can be no reconciliation without your agreement.
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