SadNLonley Posted April 18, 2014 Posted April 18, 2014 Its been since November that we spoke. This week he had a bday. I thought I was getting to a better place and thought I'd just reach out to wish him well. That didnt go so well. Of course i couldnt leave well enough alone. I had to ask if he missed me and if we could work things out. Begging almost. He finally told me that he recently started dating. A handful of dates he says. He says its an uncomfortable situation, but it is getting better. He is at least out there and moving on. He told me that he closed that chapter of his life with me and he doesnt think he could ever go back. This whole time of NC i had it in my head that we were going to work this out. We really did love each other more than anything. Distance of 30 minutes away wouldnt be the reason to stay broke up. STUPID STUPID STUPID me!!! I finally got a little closure on this relations although it hurts my ego really bad and now feel as though I will be forever alone because no one will ever treat me like he did during our relationship. I realize now that he was just spineless and scared of committment to me. That is his issue! One thing that hurts though is that he seems cold to me like he is pissed off at me for some reason. I didnt do anything to cause that. Its so funny. He says that he is not the same man as when we dated. His heart has hardened. Wow, this new girl is going to get a jerk i guess. Anyway, i feel as though im back to step one. Problem now is that Im really lonely. I want companionship, but its just not happening. I just started the stupid online dating thing and ego is not getting better with that. lol. How do you come back? Ive been working on myself, but the more and more you think about being alone the worse it gets. At least for me. I really am terrified of being alone forever. I've been on my own now for 10 months and absolutely hate it. How are you getting past it? Did dating others help? if so, where did you meet them?
BC1980 Posted April 18, 2014 Posted April 18, 2014 You're not ready to date right now. You are looking for another person to fill the void in your life, but you aren't over your ex. You spent NC holding onto hope, so it was essentially wasted time. I think you need at least a few months to grieve and let go of hope before dating again. It's never wise to pin your hopes on another person. 3
KaliLove Posted April 18, 2014 Posted April 18, 2014 I was just about to say that. Yeah, you'd be trying to fit another guy into the ex-shaped hole in your heart. It would be a rebound, and it wouldn't make you feel any better, nor would it be fair to the guy.
flightplan Posted April 18, 2014 Posted April 18, 2014 BC is right. You're looking for someone to make you happy in life and fill a void. Your ex may or may not have felt the pressure of your happiness depending on him. That can feel suffocating. The path to true happiness is loving yourself. Building your self esteem. Living a fulfilling life does not require a relationship. Sure, it adds to it and it's great to have a partner share the ups and downs, but if you learn to be happy on your own, that's when you attract the person that's been looking for you all this time. 1
Author SadNLonley Posted April 18, 2014 Author Posted April 18, 2014 I completely agree with all of you. I need to love myself. Im not sure that is going to happen. I do think Im looking to fill the void of him. Im just so tired of being alone. I would totally be comparing everyone to him (except no one is asking me out). I also feel like if he can start dating, how come I cant? Why do i get all sick to my stomach over it and he can do it so easily. I hope i never fall in love like this again. I can't go through this pain/ low self esteem / not believing in myself. Its horrible. To think I wasnt good enough kills me. Will I ever be "the one" to be good enough? Thats what scares me. NO!
KaliLove Posted April 18, 2014 Posted April 18, 2014 Because you've spent the last 6 months pining and hoping to get back together with him and assuming you would, while he has spent the last 6 months healing and getting over you. Of course no one is asking you out right now..you aren't letting them. You're putting out 'I'm not over my ex' vibes all over the place. People pick up on and react to social cues, like body language, much faster than they do words. You don't want anyone else, you want your ex, and men can smell it on you. It's not that you weren't good enough. Everybody feels that way when they get dumped. It's just that you two were not compatible and he recognized it sooner than you did. It hurts, of course it does..and I'm really sorry you are experiencing that pain right now, but you have to pick yourself up and dust yourself off and start actually moving on from this guy. 2
Chi townD Posted April 18, 2014 Posted April 18, 2014 I finally got a little closure on this relations although it hurts my ego really bad and now feel as though I will be forever alone because no one will ever treat me like he did during our relationship. I realize now that he was just spineless and scared of committment to me. That is his issue! One thing that hurts though is that he seems cold to me like he is pissed off at me for some reason. I didnt do anything to cause that. Its so funny. He says that he is not the same man as when we dated. His heart has hardened. Wow, this new girl is going to get a jerk i guess. feel as though I will be forever alone because no one will ever treat me like he did during our relationship Nah, you won't be alone. Your Ego took a hit and you were hoping that NC would make him miss you. Therefore, you never really lost your feelings towards him. One thing that hurts though is that he seems cold to me like he is pissed off at me for some reason. Yeah, he turned into a dick. He says that he is not the same man as when we dated. Yep! DICKHEAD!!!! Wow, this new girl is going to get a jerk i guess. Yep! Her problem, not yours! 1
Elle1975 Posted April 18, 2014 Posted April 18, 2014 (edited) Its been since November that we spoke. This week he had a bday. I thought I was getting to a better place and thought I'd just reach out to wish him well. That didnt go so well. Of course i couldnt leave well enough alone. I had to ask if he missed me and if we could work things out. Begging almost. He finally told me that he recently started dating. A handful of dates he says. He says its an uncomfortable situation, but it is getting better. He is at least out there and moving on. He told me that he closed that chapter of his life with me and he doesnt think he could ever go back. This whole time of NC i had it in my head that we were going to work this out. We really did love each other more than anything. Distance of 30 minutes away wouldnt be the reason to stay broke up. STUPID STUPID STUPID me!!! I finally got a little closure on this relations although it hurts my ego really bad and now feel as though I will be forever alone because no one will ever treat me like he did during our relationship. I realize now that he was just spineless and scared of committment to me. That is his issue! One thing that hurts though is that he seems cold to me like he is pissed off at me for some reason. I didnt do anything to cause that. Its so funny. He says that he is not the same man as when we dated. His heart has hardened. Wow, this new girl is going to get a jerk i guess. Anyway, i feel as though im back to step one. Problem now is that Im really lonely. I want companionship, but its just not happening. I just started the stupid online dating thing and ego is not getting better with that. lol. How do you come back? Ive been working on myself, but the more and more you think about being alone the worse it gets. At least for me. I really am terrified of being alone forever. I've been on my own now for 10 months and absolutely hate it. How are you getting past it? Did dating others help? if so, where did you meet them? I was reading something earlier "where to find single women", as I wanted to know as a female where men thought it would be best to go. The answer was simple, everywhere. Meaning, put yourself out there. Sure the yoga class works better than a bar (for me, it does), but yeah, single guys are everywhere. I am not all excited to be alone either, but I know that if i don't move it, that's how it's going to end for me and it will be all MY fault. No one is going to ask me on a date if I don't go out. And my mailman isn't really all that hot.. The online thing is one solution but I'd say go to a gym, and stick through it. Don't go a few times and give up. Happiness really is an attitude. I know it's easy to say but things like putting a smile on your face make you look more attractive. I am sorry that he was such a cold jerk. To believe that no one will treat you so well reminds me of what I am going through. I'm no different. However, I want to believe there's someone out there for me. It just wasn't him. And if he wanted to give it another shot, even though I'd love that, I am not sure how I would react. If your guy wanted to date again, could you really trust him? You'd probably live your life in perpetual doubt that he would do it again. I know you're miserable, I know your ego is bruised, and that you feel stupid. However, we are all human beings, with feelings. We all do the stupid thing and call our ex at one point. I did it (with another relationship), that's how I know that it's NEVER a good idea. If he was mature enough to ask you out, he would have been mature enough to call you. Edited April 18, 2014 by Elle1975
Author SadNLonley Posted April 19, 2014 Author Posted April 19, 2014 this site is so helpful. You are so right. I hoped NC would make him miss me. That kinda kicked me in the ass. I have spent all these months hoping for something different than I got the other day. Funny thing is just like someone said, I dont even know that we could have a relationship after what we have been through. So many questions would arise. Isnt it funny that someone can get in your head like that? My therapist says shame on me for letting him take up space in my head when he isnt even in my life. When you really love someone it hurts so bad when it ends. My divorce was so much easier. We fell out of love. This time was totally different.
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