How to avoid my gf making me have to ask for sex

[poor boy]

I started dating this girl from my uni recently. We have known each other for a couple of months and been out as friends but over the last couple of weeks it became more romantic and it turned out we really liked each other the whole time and we're now an item.

 

I'm 26 and she is 19 and we're both on the same course in uni. She's a girl that I have a lot in common with and we really enjoy another's company. Things have started off really well and I hope for that to continue, however I am in the emotional position to walk away happily if need be as I have not allowed myself get emotionally attached after recently having a bad time with heart break over another girl.

Anyway, as for the 'problem', which I'm well aware many people will possibly perceive to not be a problem at all however I feel it could materialize into one and am keen to avoid it being so. I have stayed overnight with my new gf 3 times now in already such a short space of time and we have gotten along great during that time. On the first two nights we ended up staying up and having sex 3 times on each of those nights. The sex was actually really good, and she enjoyed it thoroughly as did I. It took some persistence from myself to get there with her, which is normal and I respected that as it was the first couple of times I've done it with her. She told me she has 3 other prior sexual partners before me. However, on the third night I stayed over with her she didn't want to do it, nor the next morning. She has a tendency to tease me and push me away and then when I go to leave it she then pulls me back in and says no don't leave it. She makes jokes saying things like no sex for you, or your privileges are being removed, or you're not getting sex so be a good bitch. I'm aware these are 'jokes', but no more so the truth than in jest. The thing is when we do it she really loves it, and I got the feeling that night that she maybe will continue to be a little manipulating over sex.

 

I understand this may be far too early on to make such assumptions, however I am a little over cautious, as several years ago I was in a relationship with a girl who used to do just that and it ended up with me practically having to ask and whine for sex and I was wholly dissatisfied with the relationship. I am very keen on this girl and she seems near perfect for me and told me she's beginning to fall for me so I want it to go further and it could be the start of something special.

 

So however trivial or over exagerated my post may seem, I ask with the most honest and decent intentions of starting off a potentially great relationship on the right foot and giving it every chance. How do I prevent things from ending up with me becoming a 'bitch' asking for sex like she joked? Should I reduce the amount of sexual advances I make and maybe lower my own sexual drive if possible? Should I start waiting for her to come onto me and maybe some night's not try for it at all? Even though I'm experienced with relationships I can often get things wrong and would be highly appreciative of your advice guys. Thanks.

[TaraMaiden]

YOU are the one who put her off having sex with you, because of this:

 

It took some persistence from myself to get there with her, which is normal and I respected that as it was the first couple of times I've done it with her

If a girl is reluctant to begin with - leave it alone.

She means no, and she probably gave in to appease you, shut you up and keep you happy.

 

Do you realise what you did could be construed as assault/rape?

 

Oh yes, it could.

 

She's now jokingly trying to keep you at arm's length because *GASP!!* she actually doesn't WANT to have sex with you.

And the more you push, the more she will resist.

 

Her reluctance the first time, was an indication to you that she was not ready for sex with you.

She's still telling you that.

 

sex is not the be-all and end-all of a relationship. It should be part of it -m but neither the main, nor a huge part of it.

 

You're making this all out to be about your sexual gratification, satisfaction and desire. All you want is to get your leg over when you want it, but not necessarily when she does....

 

You're not listening to her.

 

She doesn't want t it every time you want it.

In her shoes, i wouldn't want it with you, at all.

Edited April 18, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[mangetout]

Yes do just what you said. Your sex drive is too much for her. Give it a few months and if you are not happy then you are not sexually compatible and that spells trouble!

[poor boy]

[QUOT[/left]E=TaraMaiden;5650902]YOU are the one who put her off having sex with you, because of this:

 

If a girl is reluctant to begin with - leave it alone.

She means no, and she probably [/left]gave in to appease you, shut you up and keep you happy.

 

Do you realise what you did could be construed as assault/rape?

 

Oh yes, it could. [/left]

 

She's now jokingly trying to keep you at arm's length because *GASP!!* she actually doesn't WANT to have sex with you.

And the more you push, the more she will resist.

 

Her reluctance the first time, was an indication to you that she was not ready for sex with you.

She's still telling you that.

 

sex is not the be-all and end-all of a relationship. It should be part of it -m but neither the main, nor a huge part of it.

 

You're making this all out to be about your sexual gratification, satisfaction and desire. All you want is to get your leg over when you want it, but not necessarily when she does....

 

You're not listening to her.

 

She doesn't want t it every time you want it.

In her shoes, i wouldn't want it with you, at all.

 

Thank you for your advice, however I think you've gotten the wrong end of the stick here. Perhaps I wasn't accurate enough when I told my story and if so I apologise and that was my fault.

 

When I said I had to 'persist', I by no means meant that literally. And there is certainly no way what I did can be construed as rape, as she was completely up for it. When I said persist, what I actually meant was when we were in bed we were kissing a couple of times and then she kind of said not yet, but then said ok. Every time she said no not yet I immediately backed off but then she was pulling me back on top of her so it wasn't entirely clear what she wanted to me.

 

And I'm definitely not just interested in 'getting my leg over' with this girl, I'm actually not all that sex driven and can easily do without and get it from elsewhere. I'm asking the question purely in a provisional sense going forward so as to avoid what happened in my previous relationship whereby I became the weak guy who had to ask and whine his gf for sex. I understand there's probably a chance me asking this makes me come across as a jerk but I don't mean in that manner. I actually really care about this girl and would like to be with her and if not I'd certainly still like to be her friend I do care for her. I just want to get things right from the off.

[TaraMaiden]

.....When I said persist, what I actually meant was when we were in bed we were kissing a couple of times and then she kind of said not yet, but then said ok. Every time she said no not yet I immediately backed off but then she was pulling me back on top of her so it wasn't entirely clear what she wanted to me.

See, in your Georgio Armani Boxer shorts, I would have stopped, right there.

 

I would have backed off completely, because messing about like this is unfair, and sends the wrong message. And any message, other than "I want you, definitely, right now, no bones about it!" is the wrong message. Mixed or unsure, it's a no-no.

You back off, because until she's sure, you don't want to be in that position.

Bad idea.

 

And I'm definitely not just interested in 'getting my leg over' with this girl, I'm actually not all that sex driven and can easily do without and get it from elsewhere. I'm asking the question purely in a provisional sense going forward so as to avoid what happened in my previous relationship whereby I became the weak guy who had to ask and whine his gf for sex.

Lather, rinse repeat...? You seem drawn to girls who are sexually manipulative....

 

I understand there's probably a chance me asking this makes me come across as a jerk but I don't mean in that manner. I actually really care about this girl and would like to be with her and if not I'd certainly still like to be her friend I do care for her. I just want to get things right from the off.

Too late for that - the 'off' has passed, and it wasn't right and still isn't.

 

There is sexual incompatibility here.

You need to talk to her, straight up.

 

if you're both liberal and intimate enough to have penetrative sex, you should both be adult and mature enough to discuss this like adults.

Tell her about your experiences, and how you will NOT go down that road again.

[BikerAccnt]

[QUOT[/left]

When I said I had to 'persist', I by no means meant that literally. And there is certainly no way what I did can be construed as rape, as she was completely up for it. When I said persist, what I actually meant was when we were in bed we were kissing a couple of times and then she kind of said not yet, but then said ok. Every time she said no not yet I immediately backed off but then she was pulling me back on top of her so it wasn't entirely clear what she wanted to me.

.

 

She may not be sure what she wants of you. People are like that. I've started dating a woman I'm really coming to like. We haven't had sex yet, but we've been very close a couple of times. She's out of a nasty divorce only a year or so and I am the first man she's really let herself begin to like. She's want's me but is, scared "and still has her walls up" . Or so she says. I can understand.

 

When we are together alone, woah. But, I don't push it. She'll pull me on top, do all the things you mention. But I don't go there. I know she's not really ready. The next day, she thanks me for being so "understanding." (It's not easy, trust me!)

 

Anyway, just saying. She may not really know what she wants yet. If you really like her, and want to keep her around. Let her guide the pace.

[Mrin]

I'm not going to touch this whole coercion/assault piece - Tara is on top of that. Instead, let's assume you didn't have to talk her into anything. That she was ready to go immediately. She's still using sex as a weapon/tool to manipulate you and I would walk away.