Author Beebob38 Posted May 7, 2014 Author Posted May 7, 2014 (edited) Lets coin a new phrase? ... GIGS-Denial. I prefer the phrase "heuristic fallacies". EDIT: And I actually have given it thought as to whether or not it was GIGS. I even read some of the stickied thread during the initial post-break up period when I was heavy into rationalizing everything.. And to a certain extent, it may have some characteristics of GIGS in so far as I think she's exhausted from our relationship, especially the past few rough months. It was a bit of a rollercoaster towards the end, and I was too late to realize how bad I was messing up. Edited May 7, 2014 by Beebob38
Author Beebob38 Posted May 7, 2014 Author Posted May 7, 2014 Either way, I appreciate the feedback and you guys at least giving my situation some thought. It's good to have somewhere where I can vent out my situation. I don't have as many people to talk to as I wish I did, especially during finals week where everyone is into their own thing. 1
Author Beebob38 Posted May 8, 2014 Author Posted May 8, 2014 (edited) Dude you sound like you are kicking butt and taking names and will have someone as good or better than your Ex in no time. I think that's part of why I feel so bad now. =/ I focused so much on my school and my career, and it paid off, but now I'm realizing what's more important to me. I neglected family and friends in much the same way I neglected her. And yeah, I do have a lot of things going for myself. Most people that I've talked to think I'm crazy for being as down as I am. But I dunno, I'm still at the stage where I only have eyes for her. If you had to bet, do you think Model Guy leans towards "Good" Guy or "Bad" Boy? I bet he is more of a "Bad" Boy and your Ex is going through a bit of a "Bad" Boy phase and will date several more after this is one is done. Stay Tuned on that one. I think good guy actually. He seems like kind of a softie. Very much a metro type guy. I stalked his twitter of course...lol. I don't think she'd want a bad boy...she probably sees me as more of that, and probably wants to stay away... Personally, I think the reason my Ex, your Ex, whoever else reads this why there Ex broke up with them doesn't mean a thing or make one bit of difference. Our Exes decided their life is better without us in it. That is really all you need to know and why they are not going to come back tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, two years from now, etc. Yeah, I agree. And that's the toughest part -- accepting that it's over and seeing yourself in the future without that person. I was progressing at that. But honestly her mom messaging me reeled me back in and has in me wondering what my ex is thinking/feeling. Her mom told me she needed to challenge herself and build confidence. I'm not sure why she'd tell me to "hang in there" unless she knew something, especially considering they're pretty close. It's kind of a ****ty move on her part, really -- to string me along like that. It set me back a few weeks. Edited May 8, 2014 by Beebob38
todreaminblue Posted May 8, 2014 Posted May 8, 2014 (edited) i broke up recently with a guy and at the time of the break up i told him i could not be friends with him, its the first time i have said that to someone and i intended never to contact him again....if i had read this forum just before i would have not have been true to me and i may have decided to way lay my contact...i didnt read the forum and i didnt ask for advice on here...i followed my own heart i was true to me.......i would never have reached out if i list4ned to others...but i didn't..... so i did contact him.......I apologised and i told him i wanted to be his friend not because i want to get back with him or regret my decision to end it we really aren't suited......but because i just don't dump or discard people no matter if they are with me or not...hell yes i felt guilt....guilt is when you do something you shouldn't do.......so i fixed it he told me he would love to be my friend..and that he missed talkjing to me and was glad that i rang...and i told him he can call anytime if he needs a friend to talk to......he told me like wise deb if you truly want to send the letter send it regardless of the perception of the recipient take the risk...but dont expect anything back ....search your heart before you take any advice to heart from here or those who know you....... see what feels right for you and follow that ....not words on an internet screen that make you feel bad or down take the words that make you feel stronger not weaker in whatever direction that is the direction you then take that to your heart....if something written makes you feel hope or strength or clarity and peace....take them and consider them and eventually you will know the way to go....i would say try praying and get some heart tingles...smilin........good luck...:bunny: bunnies for you.deb Edited May 8, 2014 by todreaminblue
Author Beebob38 Posted May 8, 2014 Author Posted May 8, 2014 i broke up recently with a guy and at the time of the break up i told him i could not be friends with him, its the first time i have said that to someone and i intended never to contact him again....if i had read this forum just before i would have not have been true to me and i may have decided to way lay my contact...i didnt read the forum and i didnt ask for advice on here...i followed my own heart i was true to me.......i would never have reached out if i list4ned to others...but i didn't..... so i did contact him.......I apologised and i told him i wanted to be his friend not because i want to get back with him or regret my decision to end it we really aren't suited......but because i just don't dump or discard people no matter if they are with me or not...hell yes i felt guilt....guilt is when you do something you shouldn't do.......so i fixed it he told me he would love to be my friend..and that he missed talkjing to me and was glad that i rang...and i told him he can call anytime if he needs a friend to talk to......he told me like wise deb if you truly want to send the letter send it regardless of the perception of the recipient take the risk...but dont expect anything back ....search your heart before you take any advice to heart from here or those who know you....... see what feels right for you and follow that ....not words on an internet screen that make you feel bad or down take the words that make you feel stronger not weaker in whatever direction that is the direction you then take that to your heart....if something written makes you feel hope or strength or clarity and peace....take them and consider them and eventually you will know the way to go....i would say try praying and get some heart tingles...smilin........good luck...:bunny: bunnies for you.deb Thank you I have discarded the letter idea. I've discarded contacting her indefinitely, actually, and I've been doing well (minus checking her social media every couple of days). 1
Elle1975 Posted May 8, 2014 Posted May 8, 2014 Thank you I have discarded the letter idea. I've discarded contacting her indefinitely, actually, and I've been doing well (minus checking her social media every couple of days). GREAT! Now stop checking her social media. It's a waste of time, and it's holding you back.
Author Beebob38 Posted May 8, 2014 Author Posted May 8, 2014 GREAT! Now stop checking her social media. It's a waste of time, and it's holding you back. Yeah I know...=/
Author Beebob38 Posted May 9, 2014 Author Posted May 9, 2014 (edited) She texted me tonight telling me she missed watching some show with me. She apologized for all the times we fought, and she said she's had a rough few days and all she has wanted to do is talk to me. I played it cool. I was really nice to her and we had a fairly nice conversation, then I ended it and wished her good luck on her finals. I told her I was here to talk if she felt bad, which I think may have been a bad move, but I felt given how I treated her at times it was something I needed to do. Bleh. I don't know how to feel. I'm regressing in the moving on process, but I still feel like we could be together in the future and I don't want to fully give up on that. Edited May 9, 2014 by Beebob38
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 She texted me tonight telling me she missed watching some show with me. She apologized for all the times we fought, and she said she's had a rough few days and all she has wanted to do is talk to me. I played it cool. I was really nice to her and we had a fairly nice conversation, then I ended it and wished her good luck on her finals. I told her I was here to talk if she felt bad, which I think may have been a bad move, but I felt given how I treated her at times it was something I needed to do. Bleh. I don't know how to feel. I'm taking step back in moving on, but I still feel like we could be together in the future and I don't want to fully give up on that. Bad move talking to her. She tugged on the leash and there you were barking. You probably wont be together again, but you know what will 100% seal the deal? What you are doing right now. Stop talking to her, dont write notes/text, and leave it be.
Author Beebob38 Posted May 9, 2014 Author Posted May 9, 2014 Bad move talking to her. She tugged on the leash and there you were barking. You probably wont be together again, but you know what will 100% seal the deal? What you are doing right now. Stop talking to her, dont write notes/text, and leave it be. I think shunning her would seal the deal and confirm everything she thought about me during the relationship -- that I'm emotionally immature, selfish, and that I don't really care about her.
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 I think shunning her would seal the deal and confirm everything she thought about me during the relationship -- that I'm emotionally immature, selfish, and that I don't really care about her. Well then you have a rough road ahead of you lol. She threw you a breadcrumb. You bit. She now has that ego boost knowing that you are still there. She was feeling bad/sad/guilty, so she contacts you (about nothing important) and all you did was reassure her that you are still around. You are wanting to show her you changed or whatever? Then go out and live a good life. She KNOWS how you feel. The whole text/email/flowers/full blown push...SHE KNOWS HOW YOU FEEL. The deal was done when the BU happened. From your original post to first start this off, she can sit there and say "the door might be open in the future" and "see how things go" is complete crap. If she wanted to be with you, she would be. Again, all you are doing is easing guilt. Do NOT talk to her man. 1
Author Beebob38 Posted May 9, 2014 Author Posted May 9, 2014 (edited) Yeah, I see what you're saying. And I was aware of it before she texted me -- I've done my fair share of reading on NC, breadcrumbs, dumper's ego stroking, etc. But I am making steps in the right direction, even as I replied to her. I am absolutely not ever initiating contact, and I think I made a big step tonight by ending the conversation. But it is very tough for me to ignore her. I don't want her to grow resentful. I'm not sure when the next time she'll reach out to me again will be, probably at the latest after finals, and I guess I'll handle that as it comes. It will be incredibly tough for me to completely ignore her, though. I don't really even think that's the mature way to handle a situation unless what the dumper did was truly heinous. I will say I really ****ed up by telling her I'd be here for her. And I'm exaggerating how negatively she viewed me haha. I don't think she sees me as emotional immature. Edited May 9, 2014 by Beebob38
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 Yeah, I see what you're saying. And I am making steps in that direction. I am absolutely not ever initiating contact, and I think I made a big step tonight by ending the conversation. But it is very tough for me to ignore her. I don't want her to grow resentful. I'm not sure when the next time she'll reach out to me again will be, probably at the latest after finals, and I guess I'll handle that as it comes. It will be incredibly tough for me to completely ignore her, though. I don't really even think that's the mature way to handle a situation unless what the dumper did was truly heinous. And I'm exaggerating how negatively she viewed me haha. I don't think she sees me as emotional immature. Whats up in bold there. Its not for her ITS FOR YOU!! Its VERY mature. Way more mature than anything. Its MOVING ON! All you are going to do is one of two things when you keep doing what you're doing: 1. Get friend-zoned and easing her guilt enough until she finds someone else. 2. Keep making yourself stress over it (why hasnt she texted anymore, does she think I dont care anymore?!?) to the point you will text, call, e-mail and everything else you did earlier. You've done WELL more than enough. She knows how you feel. She knows you still care. She knows you will always be there. Yet, here we are. She can think of you anyway she wants, but the bottom line is she isnt with you anymore. You cant change her mind or swindle her into thinking that you are much better now than before. People only see what they want to see. Right now, she sees her life better without you as a BF. Talking to her like you are is just holding you onto MORE false hope. "Ah that was a good convo and I ended it. Things are looking great" "Oh, she favored a tweet! That must mean she is warming up to me!" "She texted me today! She must really want the ball to roll." You'll keep riding that carousel until something drastic happens. Why dont you start healing NOW (not contacting her, not stalking on social media sites, etc), and then IF (big if) that day EVER comes where she says "I want a relationship again", you wont care either way because you will be OVER it. That is the only way successful reconciliations happen.
Author Beebob38 Posted May 9, 2014 Author Posted May 9, 2014 Whats up in bold there. Its not for her ITS FOR YOU!! Its VERY mature. Way more mature than anything. Its MOVING ON! All you are going to do is one of two things when you keep doing what you're doing: 1. Get friend-zoned and easing her guilt enough until she finds someone else. 2. Keep making yourself stress over it (why hasnt she texted anymore, does she think I dont care anymore?!?) to the point you will text, call, e-mail and everything else you did earlier. You've done WELL more than enough. She knows how you feel. She knows you still care. She knows you will always be there. Yet, here we are. She can think of you anyway she wants, but the bottom line is she isnt with you anymore. You cant change her mind or swindle her into thinking that you are much better now than before. People only see what they want to see. Right now, she sees her life better without you as a BF. Talking to her like you are is just holding you onto MORE false hope. "Ah that was a good convo and I ended it. Things are looking great" "Oh, she favored a tweet! That must mean she is warming up to me!" "She texted me today! She must really want the ball to roll." You'll keep riding that carousel until something drastic happens. Why dont you start healing NOW (not contacting her, not stalking on social media sites, etc), and then IF (big if) that day EVER comes where she says "I want a relationship again", you wont care either way because you will be OVER it. That is the only way successful reconciliations happen. You're 100% right. Thank you. 2
Elle1975 Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 I don't want her to grow resentful. I believe it's right there with this pattern of thoughts that problems begins in a relationship, or make a break up feel even worse than it already is. Boundaries are thrown out the windows with the "I don't want her/him to be mad at me. So I won't tell my partner that <insert boundaries here>. If I do she/he might leave me." Or "she/he might think I'm mad and I will blow my chances of her/him being back in my life." Set boundaries, it will make you feel better. She'll respect you for it, as well. 1
William Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 OK, now that the pissing contest is over, let's get back to helping the thread starter. Some editing was performed. Thanks!
KaliLove Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 OK, now that the pissing contest is over, let's get back to helping the thread starter. Some editing was performed. Thanks! I know it was serious and whatnot, but this cracked me the eff up.
Elle1975 Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 I know it was serious and whatnot, but this cracked me the eff up. Wait who pissed where? Better not be on my carpet. I just put the Bissel away! To be serious though..I wonder how many people saw their relationship end because of the lack of boundaries they should have set. *raise hands* 1
Author Beebob38 Posted May 10, 2014 Author Posted May 10, 2014 (edited) I think the toughest thing for me is realizing I'll be okay without her. It took this BU for me to realize how dependent I was on her as an outlet from everything. I threw myself into my schoolwork fully, and the only times were I wasn't thinking about school to some extnt was when I was with her. The only extended periods of time where I didn't do something academic or for a club was when I was with her. And now that's all gone. I don't have a problem being social. I like going out and stuff (unfortunately everyone tells me I'm a fit for the IB culture...), but I have my priorities. I've neglected a lot of friends the past year between school and spending time with her, and I feel a bit lonely. It's tough for me to disentangle that loneliness from my genuine feelings for her. Edited May 10, 2014 by Beebob38
Elle1975 Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 I think the toughest thing for me is realizing I'll be okay without her. It took this BU for me to realize how dependent I was on her as an outlet from everything. I threw myself into my schoolwork fully, and the only times were I wasn't thinking about school to some extnt was when I was with her. The only extended periods of time where I didn't do something academic or for a club was when I was with her. And now that's all gone. I don't have a problem being social. I like going out and stuff (unfortunately everyone tells me I'm a fit for the IB culture...), but I have my priorities. I've neglected a lot of friends the past year between school and spending time with her, and I feel a bit lonely. It's tough for me to disentangle that loneliness from my genuine feelings for her. I'm sorry..what's the "IB culture"?
Author Beebob38 Posted May 10, 2014 Author Posted May 10, 2014 Investment Banking...which just means that I can be a good slave and work hard but still have the ability talk to people.
Elle1975 Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 Investment Banking...which just means that I can be a good slave and work hard but still have the ability talk to people. Ok, thanks for the clarification People shorten everything nowadays, I don't get half of it!
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