kaynichole Posted April 17, 2014 Posted April 17, 2014 Met a guy 7 months ago, started casually dating, we agreed neither of us was ready for a relationship since even tho Im separated from my husband I am still legally married an he had just gotten out of a 4 yr relationship. Things got kinda serious, we started sleeping together, he introduced me to his daughter on several occasions, gave me a key to his apartment, was taking me out almost every night, would get jealous over me talking to other guys, told me he cared for me but still wasn't ready to be committed, this was 3 weeks ago. Last week he tells me we need to back off from each other an his only reasoning is because I talk to too many guys and I can't fully commit to him even tho he just said he isn't ready for a relationship. Says he won't/can't forgive me for accepting an invitation to hang out from another guy. And now, exactly one week after breaking it off with me he is talking to someone new. I don't understand. He said even when my divorce goes thru he is not interested in a relationship because I talk to too many guys, am on my phone too much and he feels I am untrustworthy.
ExpatInItaly Posted April 17, 2014 Posted April 17, 2014 Met a guy 7 months ago, started casually dating, we agreed neither of us was ready for a relationship since even tho Im separated from my husband I am still legally married an he had just gotten out of a 4 yr relationship. Things got kinda serious, we started sleeping together, he introduced me to his daughter on several occasions, gave me a key to his apartment, was taking me out almost every night, would get jealous over me talking to other guys, told me he cared for me but still wasn't ready to be committed, this was 3 weeks ago. Last week he tells me we need to back off from each other an his only reasoning is because I talk to too many guys and I can't fully commit to him even tho he just said he isn't ready for a relationship. Says he won't/can't forgive me for accepting an invitation to hang out from another guy. And now, exactly one week after breaking it off with me he is talking to someone new. I don't understand. He said even when my divorce goes thru he is not interested in a relationship because I talk to too many guys, am on my phone too much and he feels I am untrustworthy. I'm going to go ahead and wager that he was seeing this other person before ending it with you. He was looking for a way out that made him feel less guilty, so he shifted the blame on to you. Having said that, is it possible your behavior with other men was sending up red flags to him? Was there a legitimate cause for his concern? 5
ExpatInItaly Posted April 17, 2014 Posted April 17, 2014 I re-read your OP, and since he was adamant that he wasn't ready for a relationship, he really doesn't have a leg to stand on when getting angry with you for hanging out with other men. What did he expect? Sounds more like a guy who wanted to keep his option open and bailed when something new and shiny came along. Just my two cents. 4
Author kaynichole Posted April 17, 2014 Author Posted April 17, 2014 I am just confused. She is not prettier than me and I doubt she has more character. I am very lively, fun and sweet. Everyone I know says I have the biggest heart of anyone they know. I have guys falling over me left and right telling me I am the whole package. Not being conceited just honest. I turned down all advances from every guy I met for him.
Valen Posted April 17, 2014 Posted April 17, 2014 When some people say they are not ready for a serious relationship it's really just a front, a lie, to make them appear more desirable and less clingy. But the truth was he was looking for a long term relationship. This guy is a jealous type. In some ways, you sleeping with him while still legally married is semi cheating. Plus, with all the male attention you get. He thinks you might be dating someone else behind his back. He is insecure and just doesn't trust you, even though you were 100% devoted to this relationship. It didn't matter. He is better off with women who garner less male attention. You two wouldn't have lasted anyways, his jealousy will lead to constant fights about who you hang out with. You're better off with a more self-assure man who can trust you wholeheartedly. 3
sagetalk Posted April 17, 2014 Posted April 17, 2014 I have guys falling over me left and right telling me I am the whole package. Not being conceited just honest. I turned down all advances from every guy I met for him. I would start contacting those guys, you and him sound like a total disaster together.
todreaminblue Posted April 17, 2014 Posted April 17, 2014 (edited) I am just confused. She is not prettier than me and I doubt she has more character. I am very lively, fun and sweet. Everyone I know says I have the biggest heart of anyone they know. I have guys falling over me left and right telling me I am the whole package. Not being conceited just honest. I turned down all advances from every guy I met for him. maybe she doesn't talk to other guys even though you are better looking and the whole package you arent the package he desires...you dont know what she has to offer him, maybe more than you do maybe her life is the life he wants to share and commit to...and thats ok thats his choice......i dumped my ex when i knew he was cheating and the woman he went for uses drugs like him and parties all night.......that isnt my scene....she was small and petite i am not small and petite..........he said he wanted to pay for me to get lipo which really hurt made me feel ugly in hs eyes...it was a nail in the coffin to me saying yeah i am letting you go now...........so i think i understand why he chose to go with her.......and i know i cant be that package for him.........i cant share that life.......it was meant to end.......painfully for me ....he seems fine and still wants me to ring him......which i will eventually but only to close off some debts he owes..not for what i believe to know he is going to ask me to try again.....I will wish him well and hope he finds true happiness it cant be with me, which he wont find true happiness with the path he is on now nor would he with me.......nor i with him you are the package for someone dont worry with why you arent the package for him.....because we are not suitable packages for all men nor should we be passed around in a pass the parcel game like i unwrapped one layer your turn to the next man.. talking to loads of guys ...reminds me of pass the parcel..guys going through my layers.......i dont play that game anymore..i want one guy to know ho wspecial all those layers are oen guy ...one love......and i think if you want a true committed relationship you need to delete some numbers when you find the right guy and you would do that to show your own level of commitment.....no hang outs with other guys and no other dates shows commitments to the relationship you are in.....show what you want in a relationship by being what you want in the relationship you are in...you can have guy friends as long as they know dates and hang outs one on one are out.......and you are exclusive.....they have to respect the relationship as much as you do and he does he is not for you...thats all that matters..best wishes in finding your right "package" and being the right package for the right guy minus pass the parcel ...deb Edited April 18, 2014 by todreaminblue 1
KatZee Posted April 18, 2014 Posted April 18, 2014 I am just confused. She is not prettier than me and I doubt she has more character. I am very lively, fun and sweet. Everyone I know says I have the biggest heart of anyone they know. I have guys falling over me left and right telling me I am the whole package. Not being conceited just honest. I turned down all advances from every guy I met for him. Why do you think this matters when it comes to this guy? Just because you think you are all of these things, and you have other guys falling all over themselves to date you, why do you think that automatically means HE feels that for you? It's real obvious what's going on here. He's not that into you. He wouldn't commit to you from the beginning, and 5 seconds after this is over, he's with someone else. I'm wiling to bet he was talking to this person while being with you and he took an easy way out. The reason why it doesn't make sense is because he's not being honest with you. 2
Wisecrack Posted April 18, 2014 Posted April 18, 2014 If you want to break up with someone, you will use any excuse to. Logic doesn't come into play half the time. 1
StanMusial Posted April 18, 2014 Posted April 18, 2014 Met a guy 7 months ago, started casually dating, we agreed neither of us was ready for a relationship since even tho Im separated from my husband I am still legally married an he had just gotten out of a 4 yr relationship. Things got kinda serious, we started sleeping together, he introduced me to his daughter on several occasions, gave me a key to his apartment, was taking me out almost every night, would get jealous over me talking to other guys, told me he cared for me but still wasn't ready to be committed, this was 3 weeks ago. Last week he tells me we need to back off from each other an his only reasoning is because I talk to too many guys and I can't fully commit to him even tho he just said he isn't ready for a relationship. Says he won't/can't forgive me for accepting an invitation to hang out from another guy. And now, exactly one week after breaking it off with me he is talking to someone new. I don't understand. He said even when my divorce goes thru he is not interested in a relationship because I talk to too many guys, am on my phone too much and he feels I am untrustworthy. How can you "break up" if you're not even in a relationship? You're not even divorced yet. You're both "shopping around", or at least it comes off that way from this post. 1
spiderowl Posted April 18, 2014 Posted April 18, 2014 Reasons for breaking up often don't make much sense. This is because they are usually based on a feeling or lack of feeling. If you don't feel strongly enough for someone, you might eventually think there is no point. If you are getting to know someone but feel very insecure about them, you might back out. And so on ... But, when it comes down to it, it's about the way they feel deep down and very little to do with you. A guy who is really keen on you is going to be finding reasons why he shouldn't opt out, not reasons why he should. Please don't torture yourself by trying to make sense of this. It sounds like neither of you felt the other was quite right for them and that kind of 'not feeling definite' relationship tends to fall apart because each is picking up such cues from the other. I'm sure there is a lovely guy out there just waiting to be committed to someone like you. x 2
Babolat Posted April 18, 2014 Posted April 18, 2014 How can you "break up" if you're not even in a relationship? You're not even divorced yet. You're both "shopping around", or at least it comes off that way from this post. I was thinking the same. Sounds like there was a lot of grey in this "relationship" versus well defined "what are we doing" and well defined boundaries. No disrespect at all OP, and a little off topic, but you may start to experience what my sister is going through. She is now 3+ years separated, no divorce, no reason not to other than "I can't afford it". I have offered to pay for it, she says no. She finally admitted though she is not in love with her ex the though of the end being permanent scares her. She's meeting great men that can't seem to commit to her. It's my best guess, being a man who was separated and tried to date once too that these men can only get so close to her because she IS NOT divorced. Or, even worse, because she is not divorced they may be using her for sex and a good time. Make sense? If you avatar is you, yeah, no issues with your looks, you have some things I am attracted to! And you do sound like a charming fun to be with type. You will read this over and over on LS; take care of you and do not try to figure out why he did, what he did. 1
todreaminblue Posted April 18, 2014 Posted April 18, 2014 I was thinking the same. Sounds like there was a lot of grey in this "relationship" versus well defined "what are we doing" and well defined boundaries. No disrespect at all OP, and a little off topic, but you may start to experience what my sister is going through. She is now 3+ years separated, no divorce, no reason not to other than "I can't afford it". I have offered to pay for it, she says no. She finally admitted though she is not in love with her ex the though of the end being permanent scares her. She's meeting great men that can't seem to commit to her. It's my best guess, being a man who was separated and tried to date once too that these men can only get so close to her because she IS NOT divorced. Or, even worse, because she is not divorced they may be using her for sex and a good time. Make sense? If you avatar is you, yeah, no issues with your looks, you have some things I am attracted to! And you do sound like a charming fun to be with type. You will read this over and over on LS; take care of you and do not try to figure out why he did, what he did. thankyou for posting this because something touched my heart........the grey area that you wrote meaning a lack of defined boundaries......the guy i broke up with was insulting me.....and he said you just cant see the grey can you you see everything as black and white.....now i know thats actually good.......i thought it was another flaw of mine...maybe he thinks it is a flaw......it means i put up boundaries...so cool....deb 1
Babolat Posted April 18, 2014 Posted April 18, 2014 He said even when my divorce goes thru he is not interested in a relationship because I talk to too many guys, am on my phone too much and he feels I am untrustworthy. Something else; you are an Extrovert is my guess coupled with being attractive and you make friends easy, male and female. He is probably, an Introvert, and sees your "socialness" as a threat or something he does not understand and assumes you are flirting. He is probably insecure and literally can't handle an attractive Extrovert like you. Or he is projecting, maybe, both. 2
Babolat Posted April 18, 2014 Posted April 18, 2014 thankyou for posting this because something touched my heart........the grey area that you wrote meaning a lack of defined boundaries......the guy i broke up with was insulting me.....and he said you just cant see the grey can you you see everything as black and white.....now i know thats actually good.......i thought it was another flaw of mine...maybe he thinks it is a flaw......it means i put up boundaries...so cool....deb I never thought about boundaries until my last relationship. Never really knew what they meant. I've done a lot of reading on them, and yes, we all need them. Glad I could help! 1
ja123 Posted April 18, 2014 Posted April 18, 2014 He could be emotionally unavailable, jealous, insecure, controller, or something else. Who knows? So, this v v take care of you and do not try to figure out why he did, what he did. 2
bubbaganoosh Posted April 18, 2014 Posted April 18, 2014 I am just confused. She is not prettier than me and I doubt she has more character. I am very lively, fun and sweet. Everyone I know says I have the biggest heart of anyone they know. I have guys falling over me left and right telling me I am the whole package. Not being conceited just honest. I turned down all advances from every guy I met for him. Then if you what you say you are, then by all means go find someone who will be a better match for you. It's obvious that you and this guy are not on the same page so why waste your time and energy. You already had one bad relationship so why do you want another? 1
todreaminblue Posted April 18, 2014 Posted April 18, 2014 Something else; you are an Extrovert is my guess coupled with being attractive and you make friends easy, male and female. He is probably, an Introvert, and sees your "socialness" as a threat or something he does not understand and assumes you are flirting. He is probably insecure and literally can't handle an attractive Extrovert like you. Or he is projecting, maybe, both. this is really true...deb 2
thecrucible Posted April 18, 2014 Posted April 18, 2014 thankyou for posting this because something touched my heart........the grey area that you wrote meaning a lack of defined boundaries......the guy i broke up with was insulting me.....and he said you just cant see the grey can you you see everything as black and white.....now i know thats actually good.......i thought it was another flaw of mine...maybe he thinks it is a flaw......it means i put up boundaries...so cool....deb Yeah it almost makes you feel better about things... I don't need long-term commitment straight up, I just need to know where I stand. I've decided though that I need commitment of interest. From now on, will feel less 'clingy' in enforcing boundaries. There's so much pressure to be chilled out around men these days...
preraph Posted April 18, 2014 Posted April 18, 2014 I think he's a bitter old woman hater who already was seeing someone else before he broke it off with you and just enjoys trying to make it like it's your fault. An excuse is all it is. Good riddance to bad rubbish. 1
Leigh 87 Posted April 18, 2014 Posted April 18, 2014 I am just confused. She is not prettier than me and I doubt she has more character. I am very lively, fun and sweet. Everyone I know says I have the biggest heart of anyone they know. I have guys falling over me left and right telling me I am the whole package. Not being conceited just honest. I turned down all advances from every guy I met for him. :lmao::lmao: So you think every guy you meet will be into you? I have a friend who is a model. She is also a podiatrist. Very intelligent girl. She has a lovely personality. She is perpetually single. Not ALL men will develop true emotions for you JUST cos' you're pretty and have a great personality. 1
TXGuy Posted April 18, 2014 Posted April 18, 2014 Wow, there is lots of beating up on the guy here. It looks to me that you two had a trial run. And from what he saw of your behavior, he decided you were not worth committing to or even continue dating. End of story. From what you described, I can see why. 2
kaylan Posted April 18, 2014 Posted April 18, 2014 (edited) Met a guy 7 months ago, started casually dating, we agreed neither of us was ready for a relationship since even tho Im separated from my husband I am still legally married an he had just gotten out of a 4 yr relationship. Things got kinda serious, we started sleeping together, he introduced me to his daughter on several occasions, gave me a key to his apartment, was taking me out almost every night, would get jealous over me talking to other guys, told me he cared for me but still wasn't ready to be committed, this was 3 weeks ago. Last week he tells me we need to back off from each other an his only reasoning is because I talk to too many guys and I can't fully commit to him even tho he just said he isn't ready for a relationship. Says he won't/can't forgive me for accepting an invitation to hang out from another guy. And now, exactly one week after breaking it off with me he is talking to someone new. I don't understand. He said even when my divorce goes thru he is not interested in a relationship because I talk to too many guys, am on my phone too much and he feels I am untrustworthy. Its one of two things in my view 1. He used your male friends as an excuse...when in reality he was always planning to bail and date other people. 2. He viewed your behavior with guy friends as not something he views as relationship worthy, and thus jumped ship to someone else. I have a strong policy regarding a womans behavior with male friends. I get especially suspicious if shes constantly texting and hanging out with these blokes...because I know why most men are friends with a woman. That said, if I had a kid too...I especially wouldnt consider a girl who crosses my boundaries as relationship material. Anyone with a child has to be very picky about who they choose to seriously date...at least from what Ive seen friends do. I mean, you talk to a lot of guy on top of an unfinalized divorce? I can see why the guy was put off. Im going with #2I am just confused. She is not prettier than me and I doubt she has more character. I am very lively, fun and sweet. Everyone I know says I have the biggest heart of anyone they know. I have guys falling over me left and right telling me I am the whole package. Not being conceited just honest. I turned down all advances from every guy I met for him. The bolded, along with the fact that you talk to many other men would have concerned me. The bolded isnt bad in its own right...but combined with you always keeping your options up...or having a whole slew of "guy friends" would put me off. Also, it could just be he clicked with the other woman better than you. Sometimes two people click better...and it wont matter how great you are when they click so well. Edited April 18, 2014 by kaylan 2
Leigh 87 Posted April 18, 2014 Posted April 18, 2014 Talking to other guys and being "that girl" is not something decent guys enjoy or welcome. Even when I am heading towards the end of my relationships, I cut contact with guys who like me, I don't talk to them and indulge in my own need to be validated. I just don't talk to other guys unless they are strictly platonic friends when I am in a relationship. Do you do the same? How were you talking to those guys? Were you flirting? 2
Leigh 87 Posted April 18, 2014 Posted April 18, 2014 Oh and LOLZ - my model friend, a thin small breasted stunning looking woman who is a podiatrist, guys have left her to be with overweight or obese women. Just because you are objectively attractive, doesn't mean that guy clicked with you and he won't click with a conventionally " plain" girl on a deeper level. Having a great personality and looking good doesn't guarantee that a man will fall madly in love with you. And after 8 months, this guy would KNOW if he was madly in love with you. By now. He wouldn't leave you if he was crazy about you. 1
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