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Posted

Hello all,

 

Where to start?...

 

So I guess the back-story between me and my ex is that I met her in college. We could have probably dated back then but I was fresh out of a relationship and didn't want anything serious at the time. Over the years there, she would randomly show up every now and then during parties etc. to see me...It was always as if the months and sometimes years between these encounters didn't occur. Everything was just as we left it. Then, I graduated, she got a bf for 3 years that she ended up living with...we exchanged text messages (usually initiated by me) throughout this time...but she seemed happy and naturally, I thought the rest would be history. Until...

 

I randomly texted her one night last summer and asked how she was doing. She was still with her bf at the time, and we just exchanged some pleasantries...nothing too serious. About 3 weeks later, she reached out to me...but this time it seemed as if she wanted to meet (she still lived in our old college town and asked when I was coming up for a football game). I approached with heavy caution and even called her out saying that "I don't know if that is such a good idea", "I have been a rebound before and don't want to go through that again"...Honestly, I was pretty blunt with her. She said that she broke up with her bf and was already over it, having given it heavy thought for many months. Still skeptical, I went to that football game...

 

We met up at a bar, watched the game, had good conversation, and ended up making out (again, just like old times)...Things escalated into her moving out and back home (about 1.5 hours from me), seeing each other about once per week despite our difficult work schedules. After about 3 months of this routine, she asked me to make it official...I was hesitant because I knew that she was going to graduate school in the Fall, and obviously because of her history. Again, I was blunt with her and said "I want to make sure that this doesn't affect your graduate school plans. We will cross that bridge when it gets here." She acknowledged and we became official.

 

Then, a combination of seemingly weekly snow (hard to drive 1.5 hours in those conditions), work schedules, etc. made it hard for us to see each other regularly. I held out hope for the summer months when at least the weather wouldn't be a factor. Then after snow and work derailed our plans for 2 straight weeks, I could tell that something was wrong...she was being distant with her text messages, so I called her out on acting strangely. I honestly expected the response: "I'm sorry, life has just been stressful these past few weeks." Instead, I got: "I think we rushed into things."

 

I was heartbroken and shocked. It was my first time hearing that there was any definable issue in our relationship. Just two weeks prior she dropped the "L-Bomb" on me on her birthday. We never argued, she never expressed to me that any of my actions bothered her...but when I called her to discuss her text, I heard all kinds of excuses...from grad school, to distance, to not feeling like she knew me, that I "go out too much with friends"...Seemed like "drawing at straws" and again, my first time hearing any of this...Perhaps the most hurtful thing that she said to me was that she felt that we were just drunk the whole time during our relationship and that she "only knew that side of me." This couldn't be further from the truth...we went out a few times with my friends, but we also went to dinner, movies, coffee, wine/movie nights, normal couple things too...I didn't know how to cope with that reason (still don't)...AND if it was a legitimate concern, I would have made every effort to correct it HAD SHE BROUGHT IT UP TO ME BEFORE IT WAS TOO LATE. I tried to explain myself and she later said that that was only part of the reason, that she would miss me, and that she had a lot going on in her life with impeding grad school. Fade to black.

 

In conclusion, after a 6 month "relationship", I have been broken up with my ex for about a month and a half now. I have been NC for all but a week of that time, deleted all of my social media accounts so as to not have the urge to "stalk". Pretty happy about the way I handled myself throughout the relationship and the breakup. Treated her well/maintained my dignity in the end. However, I am still struggling with it all...the long history (5 years), feeling that she was the "one that got away", having her come back, etc. made it far more difficult than if she was a random person that I just met.

 

There seems to be a lot at work here so what say you, LS? Was I a rebound? Was this related GIGS (She's 24, I'm 27)? I hardly think that 1.5 hours is a far enough distance but is that it? Why end it in February if grad school wasn't until September? Was this just bad timing? Will she someday regret it? She kept saying "We rushed into things", when it took me THREE MONTHS before it was official...maybe she wasn't over her ex and SHE rushed into things and is projecting that onto me? I keep holding out hope that she will reach out to me but after 1.5 months, I am losing faith in that...Do I break NC? Or should I accept my losses and pretend that 6 months of my life and numerous college experiences didn't happen? Anyways, just miss her, feel like I did everything "right", just wish that counted for more than it does...

 

Thanks in advance for listening to me vent and for any advice you can provide.

Posted

First of all, stop analyzing everything, brother. Unless you plan to write a novel based on your story, it doesn't do you any good to relive constantly and thoroughly the facts concerning your relationship...

 

The same with the "what if", good for creative writing but dangerous and toxic after a break up... don't live in a conditional world, but in the real world, where certainly there are painful and negative circumstances but also chances to change, to fight and to success...

 

The past is in the past. Let it rest. Don't overburden yourself with questions that only your ex knows how to respond, if she ever bothered herself to do it.

 

She ended it by one or a hundred reasons and maybe none. It doesn't matter why and how she broke up with you. She is not part of your life and certainly you are not a part of hers. Because she wants it. That's enough.

 

Believe me, this is not the most important story of/in your life. You are young, there will be more chances to love and to be loved. This was just an opportunity to learn and to grow, so when the time is right, you will be in a better position to act and react in romance and life.

 

Of course, you don't quit NCing, unless you want to live in a painful loop of regrets, uncertainties and worries...

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Posted

Thank you, Trovador. You're right...I do have a tendency to over-analyze things...It's just so hard to accept when you didn't see it coming and don't understand what went wrong...how could it have been THIS BAD right underneath my nose without me being able to tell?...and with no effort to work through the problem, just to discard the entire relationship/history we have. Owell.

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