catgirl Posted February 3, 2005 Posted February 3, 2005 hi all again, been 3 months and everything was going just great until tonight my bf has to move 2 hours away for work in April. we both have strong feelings for each other in my case I'm in love with him.heres the problem he said tonight he cant handle a LD relationship not being able to see each other when we want to cause he's had a couple of those but they were like 1200 miles not 2 hour drive..so i said so when you move we will break up, he said yes,broke my heart but i ended it tonight with him i said why wait so it hurts even more then.he said what you don't want to see me anymore,i said what's the point only be to hard in 2 months..its not what i really wanted but he said he has strong feelings for me and loves being with me all the time he calls several times a day and spends all his free time with me..now this..he wont move closer and i cant go up there cause of my business..so i guess its over unless maybe him not seeing or hearing from me may make him rethink hoe he really feels about me,i know we were both scared ****less to get into a relationship due to past ones for both of us.i dunno,i want to call him but i know i shouldn't,when the phone call started and i got up set when he said that i just hung up and he called right back but by the end of it i was so upset i had to end the relationship and call..i need help i duuno what to do or whats next..I'M a MESS! need advice badly tkx...he has to come over tomorrow to get his pc i fixed i told him to pick it up after i go to work so i wont be here thats when he said you dont want to see me,i said whats the point..see im a mess HELP??????????
LynnStylesTN Posted February 3, 2005 Posted February 3, 2005 Well it does sound like the best thing, and it certainly leaves you both t focus on your respective careers. You will have a tougher time when he drives home every weekend.. That would maybe be the best time to break up. Try the weekend fling thing, and then the intensity will be over.. I actuallly change b/f more oftrn than I change oil in my car , so I guess I am really not the one after I typed this answer
Author catgirl Posted February 3, 2005 Author Posted February 3, 2005 thats not the answer i was looking for,i love this guy and i know he has very strong feelings for me for christs sakes its only 90 min to 2 hours away not another world,i know hes scared as am i but i really thought when he mentioned this the other day and i said so much for us and he said will cross that beidge when we get to it,,then all this happened last night cause i got to upset over it all to the point since he told me ive been having panic attacks just wasnt a casual dating thing for me or for him,im just confussed that he could be so cold about it all,and do you think him saying that was his defences coming out due to his past gf who screwed him over cause he quit his job moved back home to be with her and it went sour and bad.now hes afraid to let his true feelings out now and im hoping me letting him go will wake him up and see the light or (what i dont want)he will just forget about us..how can a guy who calls u everyday and has to be with u in all his free time just want to end something not now but in 2 months when he moves how can someone be so cold..advice anyone????
fundamental Posted February 3, 2005 Posted February 3, 2005 cat, I don't see any reason why you should break up. My GF and I live about a half an hour away from each other but we see each other once every week sometimes once every couple weeks due to our busy schedules. We make it work because we want to make it work. You may not get to see each other often but it's not like he is moving 5 hours away from you, you know. It just depends on the both of you...and how much you want to see each other. If you usually see each other every day or every other day, then you probably want to break it off. However, if you can handle the once a week thing, go for it. I think it's nice...we both have our space... and when we see each other....it's the greatest feeling in the world.
johnnyapples Posted February 3, 2005 Posted February 3, 2005 I have a friend who was dating this girl that lived 3.5 hours away... well.. .it actually depends. He lives 3 hours away from her. His job is in the opposite direction, about an hour drive. On Fridays, he made a deal with his boss to leave a little early and he drives from work to his girlfriend's house, 4 hour drive. And he leaves early Monday morning and arrives at work a few minutes late. He did this for about a year. Learning to pull over to the side to sleep if he gets tired, etc. Another half a year later, he was able to establish a good reputation in the company and was able to make a deal where he can work from and be at the office for a week out of the month. She couldn't move at the time because of some family issues. Eventually, he moved in with her. They fixed up her house, sold it for a pretty penny. They bought a new house closer to where he used to live and the extra money bought her some time to find a new job/career. THey are happily married now. I was so shocked and amazed by his dedication -- and they are so happy with each other right now. Kids and all. If you guys work it out --- each could visit each other. One week you, one week the other. Or Work out something with your jobs, etc. And if you guys are really serious, both of you will find a way to make it work out. Communication is a big thing. But before any of that happens -- just have both of you agree to try. NOT Just a compromise... try to find a way where both of you not only get what you want, but get more. Find some sort of "apex" in the relationship.
Author catgirl Posted February 3, 2005 Author Posted February 3, 2005 I talked to him today and he has strong feelings for me he said but hes not at the point im at in love and hes not willing to do the travelling back and forth he did that before in a LD and it went sour,I told him im not the past im the present,he says he loves spending all his time with me and we have a great time but is not willing to bend on this when he leaves in 2 months we have to break up,so i just ended it now dont need my heart stomped on 1 more time in 2 months and how would i be able to even see him again knowing thats the plan in 2 months time.work away for 2 years and come home once in a while.....i just dont get it now he doesnt want serious committed relationship and i thought we headed that way cause hes always here and always calling...so sup with that i just dont get it..
BoatingBabe Posted February 4, 2005 Posted February 4, 2005 Sounds like he's using this excuse to break up. A boyfriend I dated lived 2 hours away, but I saw him almost every weekend..He'd come over Friday night and leave late Sunday night...we broke up for other reasons though...distance wasn't a problem . I frankly liked having the week to myself so I got my errands done and my cleaning done, and the weekend was all ours...It was great! If a man wants to truly be with you, distance would not be a problem.
Author catgirl Posted February 4, 2005 Author Posted February 4, 2005 tkx but i was the one to break up with him now cause of what he said that we would end when he moved,see he had to long distance relationships before a couple years back and it went bad,some friends said you never know what would of happened in 2 months alot can change be then,but i couldnt seeing myself staying and spending the next 2 months being with him all the time and have more feelings grow to have it end,i couldnt take it,so i broke up with him been 2 days now and im sad b ut life goes on..just the way he acted around me and all the affection he showed even out in pulbic always taking me to nice places i just dont get it,maybe hes scared and has walls up he often said the intensity that we had scared the **** out of him got all the right signals from him and he acted like he was so into me here with all his free time calling 3-4 times a day EVERYDAY i just dont get it im so confused about it all..i really want to call him and see him but after i did the breaking up i dunno should i wait to see if he will call or just let it all go and move on,im so confused need advice what should i do??
Author catgirl Posted February 4, 2005 Author Posted February 4, 2005 one other thing we have tickets to go to a show for feb 17 to see stand up comics,i formatted and install OS for him for his mothers pc and when i do that for him he would take me out for dinner or somthing to say tkx..i want to email him and say for payment he can still take meto the show but as friends and for payment for services render,what do you think?
Author catgirl Posted February 5, 2005 Author Posted February 5, 2005 well i emailed him about paying for the pc help still waiting to hear from him...i miss him but wont call dont want to seem desperate i just cant beleive a guy whos with me in all his free time and calls 3-4 times a day doesnt care like i thought he did,, do you guys think hes just scared of his feelings,after going out for a few weeks he did say it scared him and he was afraid of how intense we are that he was afraid of it all but still was here everyday and calling all the time..i dont get it..that usually means he really likes you ALOT always been that way in my book if anything he called to much... im just so confused about this its got me messed up... anyone? btw were both 40 not kids
babybear Posted February 5, 2005 Posted February 5, 2005 Catgirl, I was in the EXACT same situation recently. My bf recently found out that his work was moving him to Seattle, which would be a short flight away. We're practically next door neighbors as it stands right now - so I was upset. But, I casually mentioned that I would fly out as often as I could - and we could do it. He replies - baby - I don't think it's going to work. I reacted like you, and broke it off then and there. 2 weeks apart and we were back in each others arms. I was PISSED though. He told me he panicked...he was so used to seeing me all the time, and that he didnt know if we could do this. He had an LDR once before, and he said it was torture. Maybe he will come around - and if not, i thnk he simply is not willing to make the sacrifices that are necessary. I belive he loves you, but it is about his level of committment. Maybe you 2 havent been together long, or are younger - I don't know. But he seems unwilling to work at it. I understand your pain completely...I left alot out of this post, but trust me, my situation was almost EXACTLY the same. Babybear
razor Posted February 5, 2005 Posted February 5, 2005 This sounds like a very painful situation. However catgirl I like the way you handled it. You may never know why he is acting the way he is. I don't think this is a guy thing cause I have had girls give mixed messages. It's likely that he has painful memories from his past LD relationship and is scared of getting hurt again. Who knows. Don't try to analyze this. Keep it simple. Which you have done. 1) Let him know how you feel 2) Be empathetic. 3) Don't sell yourself short. It takes two people to make a relationship and sometimes people have to take risks. If he is not willing to take a risk than he could sabatoge future relationships with other females and not just you. 4) Don't be indecisive. Let him know where you stand. That you are disappointed and hurt but will move on and wish him the best. Sometimes when you don't want them they want you. 5) Be honest 6) Go with your gut!!! 7) Don't analyze the situation. You may never know what is going on. 8) Do something positive for yourself. Go hang out with friends, go to a movie, coffee, gym, etc. 9) "Maybe it's not meant to be". I know this sound cliche. Who know's maybe he will come around and if he does't than I'm sure someone else will for you. Good luck with this!!!
Author catgirl Posted February 5, 2005 Author Posted February 5, 2005 tks i did all that you said thats how i handled it..told him how i felt..but hes been burnt before and said he wont let that love emotion out to afraid he has those walls up now...I had walls up too but i slowly let them down. the night I broke up with him I told him I wouldnt keep seeing him if thats the plan to breakup when he moved.he was you dont want to see me ,i said whats the point it will only hurt much more 2 months down the road. then the next day i called him to tell him how i really felt and to have closeure told him I loved him..he said hes not in love with me but had strong feelings (his walls up) wont let his emotions go (his words),so i said im moving on with my life ,you have a nice one..bye.. how can i ever trust a guy again who calls all the time like 3-4 times a day and here with me every free time he has off.even on the way to work he would pop in just to say hi and hug me.....then call 3-4 times a night to say hi..im so messed up over this..talk about your mixed signals! why do guys do this kind of ****? oh he said he never wanted to hurt me and he said he has and hes sorry. alot sorry does after what he did.
Author catgirl Posted February 5, 2005 Author Posted February 5, 2005 well he answered my email Hey, just got your message.Well to answer your question,No I have not asked anyone else to the Mike Macdonald thing.Second my answer to us going out togethre as frienda only to it I think is not a very good idea.I'm pretty sure it would be kind of uncomfortable being with you and being on a frieds only basis.I'm not trying to be a prick just tryin to be honest.If I was to be with you I would want a lot more then just a night out with you.I just can't seem to help myself when it comes to me, you and sex.I'm at work got to go sorry. so i sent him one back to say how i felt about what he said,guess in the end it was about the great sex MEN ARE DOGS!
Author catgirl Posted February 6, 2005 Author Posted February 6, 2005 Anyone have advice on the email answer,im not sure what he meant if he was hinting about getting back together or what.. I was the one who broke up with him,im missing him but i wont call yet.hoping hes missing me now that he hasnt seen me in almost a week and he was use to seeing me everyday...guess theres always hope he will contact me but im not going to hold my breath.. How long should i wait to call him? do i just give up? Im standing my ground right now but i dont know how long that will last.i seem to be weak when it comes to him. do you think with the walls he has up and me breaking up with him might wake him up?
CoolAunt Posted February 6, 2005 Posted February 6, 2005 Anyone have advice on the email answer,im not sure what he meant if he was hinting about getting back together or what.. Second my answer to us going out togethre as frienda only to it I think is not a very good idea.I'm pretty sure it would be kind of uncomfortable being with you and being on a frieds only basis.I'm not trying to be a prick just tryin to be honest.If I was to be with you I would want a lot more then just a night out with you.I just can't seem to help myself when it comes to me, you and sex. Catgirl, he is saying that if he goes to the concert with you that he will expect that the two of you will have sex. I was the one who broke up with him,im missing him but i wont call yet. Yes, he knows that you're heartbroken and missing him and he's using it to his advantage. hoping hes missing me now that he hasnt seen me in almost a week and he was use to seeing me everyday... Typically, it takes a man about three to four weeks to even realize that his gf hasn't been around. So, no, he's probably not missing you yet. guess theres always hope he will contact me but im not going to hold my breath.. You should let go of that hope. And definitely do not hold your breath! How long should i wait to call him? At least 400 years. do i just give up? Im standing my ground right now but i dont know how long that will last.i seem to be weak when it comes to him. Sweetie, I think that in all practical ways, you've already given up and he knows that, too, just as he knows that you're weak when it comes to him. do you think with the walls he has up and me breaking up with him might wake him up? Catgirl, I know that you're hurting over this breakup and I don't mean to cause you more pain. But not even knowing you and only reading at this board for the first time, I feel that someone's got to tell you to stop doing this to yourself. This guy told you that your relationship will end in a couple of months. The only thing that he is available to you for now is a two month fling. He's told you that, too. "I just can't seem to help myself when it comes to me, you and sex." That is what he's saying here. And he knows that you're in love with him and if he plays you just right, he will get laid on a regular basis until he moves away. So, the question that you need to ask yourself is this: Do you want to start getting over him now or wait and go thru breaking up with him all over again in two months? Catgirl, I hope that you don't call him or e-mail him again. It breaks my heart to see a young woman throw herself and her heart at the mercy of a man who's not worthy of her. Sincerely, Cool Aunt
CoolAunt Posted February 6, 2005 Posted February 6, 2005 Anyone have advice on the email answer,im not sure what he meant if he was hinting about getting back together or what.. Second my answer to us going out togethre as frienda only to it I think is not a very good idea.I'm pretty sure it would be kind of uncomfortable being with you and being on a frieds only basis.I'm not trying to be a prick just tryin to be honest.If I was to be with you I would want a lot more then just a night out with you.I just can't seem to help myself when it comes to me, you and sex. Catgirl, he is saying that if he goes to the concert with you that he will expect that the two of you will have sex. I was the one who broke up with him,im missing him but i wont call yet. Yes, he knows that you're heartbroken and missing him and he's using it to his advantage. hoping hes missing me now that he hasnt seen me in almost a week and he was use to seeing me everyday... Typically, it takes a man about three to four weeks to even realize that his gf hasn't been around. So, no, he's probably not missing you yet. guess theres always hope he will contact me but im not going to hold my breath.. You should let go of that hope. And definitely do not hold your breath! How long should i wait to call him? At least 400 years. do i just give up? Im standing my ground right now but i dont know how long that will last.i seem to be weak when it comes to him. Sweetie, I think that in all practical ways, you've already given up and he knows that, too, just as he knows that you're weak when it comes to him. do you think with the walls he has up and me breaking up with him might wake him up? Catgirl, I know that you're hurting over this breakup and I don't mean to cause you more pain. But not even knowing you and only reading at this board for the first time, I feel that someone's got to tell you to stop doing this to yourself. This guy told you that your relationship will end in a couple of months. The only thing that he is available to you for now is a two month fling. He's told you that, too. "I just can't seem to help myself when it comes to me, you and sex." That is what he's saying here. And he knows that you're in love with him and if he plays you just right, he will get laid on a regular basis until he moves away. So, the question that you need to ask yourself is this: Do you want to start getting over him now or wait and go thru breaking up with him all over again in two months? Catgirl, I hope that you don't call him or e-mail him again. It breaks my heart to see a young woman throw herself and her heart at the mercy of a man who's not worthy of her. Sincerely, Cool Aunt
Author catgirl Posted February 6, 2005 Author Posted February 6, 2005 tkx for the advice.guess ill just move on and hope to forget him...I just thought the way he was with me it was real for him too.. Stupid me for believing a man and his words..well that wont happen again! Is their any real sincere guys out there. I try to pick guys who have it together but it seems they dont in the end.I did email him again but for payment on the pc work i did.but as of this min.im done ...no contact....but one last thing he wants to go to concert on a date and not firends i may do that but after the concert im going home alone...just a little payback for me....i feel i need to do it see how he likes it thinking hes getting lucky and hes not a girl can change her mind anytime....feel i need to do it just to piss him off and walk away...
CoolAunt Posted February 6, 2005 Posted February 6, 2005 Oh, Catgirl. It's like talking to myself 20 years ago. Who has possession of the tickets? If you do, blow him off and ask a friend to go with you. If he has the tickets, tell him that you'll take them as payment for the PC work. Then ask a friend to go with you. If you go with him, you do know that you'll get all gooey around him and by the end of the night you won't be able to say "no." Then you'll sleep with him, which would be okay if your heart weren't involved in all of this. But it is. Then you'll have that in love "high" to come down from all over again. Is that concert really worth it? Don't do this to yourself, Catgirl. Cool Aunt
Author catgirl Posted February 6, 2005 Author Posted February 6, 2005 he has the tickets....no i can control myself im sure of it...i guess maybe im not ticking straight either dunno anymore..just wish i could go to sleep and wake up in 2 months and see things differently... I know time heals all but its not helping me now... guess im sick of guys anf their games they play and say they dont play..why do guys play with women emtions..they suck us in then bamm its done.....i need to know why...and how do i stop the cycle of falling for the same type of guys....
CoolAunt Posted February 7, 2005 Posted February 7, 2005 Catgirl, I don't really know you so I don't know why you keep having the same type of relationship over and over. For all I know, you could have "Use Me" tattooed across your forhead, but you probably don't. I read your posts, I think you have four threads going back to September. At least, that's all that I found in this forum. What I saw in your four threads was a lot of DRAMA. I saw a theme that went basically like this: - You meet a guy and the two of you are "an item" within weeks. - Four to six weeks into it, he doesn't call as often or whatever and you get panicky (is that a word? ). - You and the guy either make up or you have another guy waiting in the wings - Rinse and repeat This one, however, is breaking the cycle because he is leaving in a couple of months and he's already told you that the relationship ends when he goes. You broke up with him but I don't see that lasting even until the night of the concert...and I doubt that he believes it's over yet, either. So, since there's a break in the cycle this time and you've been fortunate enough to be warned about it, why don't you take advantage of the change from the routine and do it differently this time. Instead of hooking up with someone as soon as this one ends, why don't you take some time to yourself to learn about you and why you repeatedly choose guys that are basically the same when it comes to their long term potential. You've heard of the book "Men are from Mars, Women are...?" The author, John Grey, has a website. Here's the URL Relationship Advice . I also read there to see if anything there might be of interest to you. Out of hundreds of articles, I picked out a few. However, you should go and investigate for yourself, too. http://www.soulmateoracle.com/advice/answer60.html Lots of drama... It all started out with this one boy back in December. We really got to know either and we were getting really close and we went out and broke up it only lasted a couple days but we went back to how we were in the beginning and than we began doing more things and we went out off and on throughout the school year. We had fights but we would always come crawling back together. And then on the last day of school I had a party he snuck over and we did some things. He asked me out that night I said yes I don't know why but than 2 days later he broke up with me and than last week we went to the lake and he asked me out and I said yes once again I don't know why but I guess I love him. And yesterday we went to the movies and just today his best friend told me how much he liked me and than about an hour ago he broke up with me and didn't give me a reason he's like wait and I'm gonna break up with you bye love you and now I'm really confused because is he just using me or what is happening. Please help! It's called high drama. You either love it or hate it. You're hooked on it. You gotta do it again and again. As if something else is going to come out of it. As if. OK. I did the drama thing for awhile years ago, too. I guess most people go through it at one time or another with some other person who really turns their electricity on full blast. At a certain point in time, however, one gets reeeeeeeeeeeeeeal sick of it. And then it's like, oh well, can't do that anymore. There's no telling when that will happen. I guess it's like eating a rich dessert. You gobble and gobble and gobble and then gobble some more. Then you get sick of it. There is no way to tell you to just let go of the thing, it ain't good for you, is there? I didn't think so. We all gotta figure that one out for ourselves. These days, when I want that kind of thing in my life, I watch the afternoon soaps on TV. Or Jerry Springer.
CoolAunt Posted February 7, 2005 Posted February 7, 2005 http://www.soulmateoracle.com/advice/answer124.html I see less of her and it hurts... Hi There. My girl girlfriend and I have been going out 4 and 1/2 months. Our relationship has been really good during the time we've been together. But recently she has wanted to be with her friends. We have been together 24/7 nearly during the time we have been together. But she says she wants to start seeing her best friends more often. This has started and I am seeing less of her. I start wondering if I have done something wrong as I don't crave the attention of anyone else except her. We both love each other which sometimes reassures me. But I am worried that her friends will start to pull her away from me. She was in a relationship which went badly wrong with her being cheated on. I myself was cheated on with my last partner. I hope you can help. The feeling is really hard to describe. But I know it hurts as I am on my own, typing this while she is shopping with her friends in the city. Many thanks. You already know that you cannot own someone, or control them, or put them in a cage. That only kills love. Trying to keep her from her friends is the fastest way to kill the positive love the two of you share. It is normal for a healthy relationship have an initial honeymoon phase, which lasts for a few months generally, where you are together all the time, and you close the rest of the world out. Then it is normal that a healthy relationship will shift after a few months, and each person will want to start bringing back the rest of their own normal worlds -- friends, activities, family, interests in school, jobs, hobbies, whatever. One person generally gets to that shifting place sooner than the other. That is all that has happened here. There is nothing wrong, objectively speaking, for what she is doing. In fact, she is doing the healthy thing. She just started doing it sooner than you were ready to do it yourself. One person generally starts doing that sooner. What most couples do at this point is to entirely ruin their love. They do it this way: The one who doesn't want to make this shift yet starts hurting, which is normal. But then they start blaming this hurt on the other person. The other person is then caught between caring about the first person, feeling guilty, but still, since you cannot turn back the shift, they also start thinking the hurt person who blames them is essentially blaming them for being the full person they are. So that sense of blame and guilt then start contaminating the relationship, and the love starts to suffer. Going on this way, the couple starts getting into fights over who is acting in a "not caring way" -- and who is acting too "needy" --- and then resentments build up until the relationship has to split apart. This is what lots and lots of couples do, which is why you don't exactly see too many really happy longterm couples around you. And if you look at what is starting to happen now, right now, for you, you can kind of see how you could act out this movie with her. Believe me, it always ends up in the same place: total misery and relationship break-up time. But it's your choice. You may just feel so bad that you have no inner control over acting it out this way or not. If you do not want to act it out, the best place to stop it is right now. It would be nice if you could find it in yourself to go with the flow and not turn this natural relationship transition into a big, dramatic abandonment thing. If you do make a big dramatic thing of it, and how hurt you are by it, you do get the drama --- but you also are throwing a curve ball into what is actually a pretty natural phase of a relationship, where both people integrate their own individuality back into their lives in the context of having the relationship. This makes the relationship more relevant to the real world and actually makes it more solid and strong. If you can, it would be great if you could look upon this as an opportunity rather than a crisis. The path from the honeymoon to becoming longterm soulmates has within it normal places that challenge each of us. This is one of those places for you. It is phase two of a relationship, where the real world re-enters the equation. The key is to look inside yourself and see how this can be an opportunity for your own personal growth. Ask yourself, "What is this situation telling me I need to develop more of within myself right now???" Then take that as your lesson plan for the next several months, to find ways to develop whatever that is, which would bring you a greater sense of inner peace and wholeness. Obviously, your lesson plan includes learning to better deal with the feelings that are coming up in you right now around this normal transition to the next phase of your relationship with her. Learning to work with your inner emotions and find peace in that process. When you look outward, to her to take care of those hurting feelings, then you are pointing your relationship in the direction of co-dependency, which never works and always becomes even far more painful in the end. The feelings that are coming up within you are your job to take care of. You can do this, and become much more centered and strong within yourself. This, in turn, makes your relationship grow stronger. Trying to get her to change what she is doing so you don't hurt so much is the other way around, and it does not work out longterm. It never does. Never. So find out how to soothe your own feelings at this point in time. Find ways to support yourself in that. I hope that some of what I have had to say makes sense to you. Believe me, at 20 I did not get this. If you get even a part of it, you will be far ahead of me at your age. http://www.soulmateoracle.com/advice/answer25.html He is being very distant... I'm 19 and my boyfriend's 20. He is a very closed off person and is being VERY distant towards me lately. He doesn't call me often and rarely asks to see me. I love him very much and am getting extremely worried about his behavior (or lack of it). What should I do? This is a hard situation. It is a classic situation, too. One person gets distant, the other person feels abandoned or nervous about the situation and wants to get close again. This typically just pushes the more distant one away.... It's a catch-22. The classic advice most given in this kind of situation is that you need to let go and make a lot of space for him. Whatever is going on for him, and he is obviously not saying, he seems to need space. I don't know if his space is temporary or if it means he wants to go off in some other direction. Whatever the reason, I do believe one thing here. If you chase him, he will only need to get farther away. People usually back off when they feel (rightly or wrongly) that they are being suffocated by the relationship. If you are no longer there, letting him have all the space he needs and more, this is the only way he will ever start to miss you and want to come closer again. That's the classic advice for this kind of thing. But of course, you are probably feeling anxiety, and really want to be closer again now. So it's a hard piece of advice to follow. Nevertheless, if you do chase him, try to get him to open up and talk about what is going on, most likely it will only drive him away more. I'd stick with the classic advice on this one. Step back, let him have all the space in the world. I know it's hard. But you need to start taking care of your own needs.... including making new friends or doing new things with old friends. http://www.soulmateoracle.com/advice/answer181.html Upsets over commitment... I have been together for eight months with my boyfriend, and he is all of what I want in a man. I am devoted to him. He says that no one in the world could love him or understand him more than I do. Everything was going smoothly until we had a talk about commitment and marriage. His parents unsuccessful marriage still has a negative effect on him. He started to fear our commitment but he also cannot break up. It seems that he no longer knows what to do or want. What can I do to help him? What can we do? We tried to break up but we both could not stand being apart. If you are having such big problems over the idea of commitment, then you are probably not ready to have an extended discussion about this concept. Your chances for a lasting relationship will improve more if you learn how to discuss difficult things without falling apart. This will add more of a solid future to you as a couple than if you simply get him to say the "C"-word. Commitment is not necessarily first put into words. It is more reliable to look at actions. If you are both being monogamous, then effectively you have a certain level of real commitment already, regardless of the lack of certain words or ceremonies. At eight months it can be far too early for most people to be ready to discuss marriage and reach a definite conclusion. Getting through various levels of commitment is a dance. Timing is everything. True story from John: "I asked Bonney every six months if she would marry me. She wisely responded, 'Not yet. Ask me again in six months.' She ended up saying 'Yes' -- after a year and a half! This is the way Bonney remembers it. All I recall is the last time I asked, that glorious day when she said 'Yes!'" Often the battle over commitment is really a war over words that turns ugly, and as lines get drawn in the verbal sand, it becomes a full out emotionally-charged dispute. What this word battle brings up is each partner's personal sensitivities: insecurity on one side -- and a feeling of impending jail on the other. These are not required. One good way to stop this needless suffering is for the insecure person to learn how to calm themselves down. This is the best way to demonstrate to the other person that being invited to verbalize commitment is different from being sentenced to jail. You truly do want to be soulmates -- not cell mates. The relationship may in fact have full promise for marriage in the future. But if you insist on turning a word into a battleground, you can create enough upset to do in a great relationship. We recommend you learn how to calm down your insecurities and put the battle over words on the back burner for another six months. And cultivate an appreciation for personal space. This will further alleviate any sense of impending jail time on his part. By showing an ability to attend to your own needs as an individual, you will entice him into taking over the helm of "togetherness" -- give him the job of steering your relationship into the port of commitment. The dance towards commitment is not only about timing. Partners also need to find a good sense of balance so that neither is pushing or pulling the other off their centers. To do this, each person needs to maintain their own center. It's time to find yours My girlfriend is changing... I've been chasing the same girl for four years ever since I met her. We have always been close, but about 4 months ago I told her that I loved her. I do love her. There's no question about it. We had been back in forth with liking each other about 6 months before that, but I told her all the reasons why I knew I loved her and she finally realized that she loves me too. We've been together ever since and we've been intimate and it's been the happiest days of my life, but recently, for about two weeks, she pushes me away. She doesn't like to be close or hug or kiss and sex is gone. Her whole mannerism has changed. She just doesn't act the same. She told me last night that in every relationship that she's been in, this happens where she just doesn't want to be affectionate anymore. She said she still loves me and cares about me, but it's a very strange situation. She said she doesn't know why this has happened. I'm clueless. She said that every relationship that she's been in was based on the long term idea, and she said maybe she's just not ready for anything long term. We're leaving for college in a week and she will be in florida and I'll be in New York. We had planned on staying together through college, but she doesn't know now. I want to understand her, but I need help. I don't know what's going on. Do you have any ideas? Accepting the Situation The best thing you can do is to begin to just accept the situation. You don't know what her response is about. It may be that she truly isn't ready for long term. That's hard to hear right now for you, but if it's true, what can you do? Actually, there's only one thing you can do. Accept it. And know that it is not about you. It is not a reflection on you at all. It's all about her. If someone really loves a type of car, say a Corvette or something, and they really really want that car, but then, in reality, they are not ready to get that car, or possibly any car, because they don't have the money to buy it... That is not about the car. It's about them. Maybe she does not at this time have the inner "money" to "buy" a lasting relationship. I hope you get my analogy. I don't really mean that there is inner money or that we buy relationships. Anything but. Yet, maybe the true part of the analogy is that this turn of events has absolutely nothing to do with you and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. So the only thing left is to just accept it. This is truly a difficult situation even if you both were clear that you wanted to make it work long term. It's called geographic incompatibility. That, combined with both of you starting up in some new place... This alone is a major challenge to even the absolute most committed of relationships. There is no denying that. Even happily married couples will tend toward splitting up if they were facing a number of years in separate locations. Long distant relationships have never worked out for me, at least... and I have heard very few stories that indicate they do. But who knows what can happen? At any rate, given the overall situation at hand, my best advice right now is the hardest to take. Just let it go. Move on. Do not blame her. Do not take this personally yourself, for you are a great guy who, in fact, is young and has a long life ahead full of many major pleasant surprises in store in the area of relationships. As much as possible look at the positive things about your love for her... which is the very fact that you have such an open and passionate heart in the first place. There are many guys walking dead in that department... closed down... or afraid to ever open in the first place. But the cost of this openness is that you will also have to face the possibility of pain. You are now in the testing of this. As your ally in the enterprise of getting to great happiness and intimacy in your love life.... my very best advice is to accept this situation, feel the pain and bring some of that love you have in your heart to you... to touch that pain inside with your love... let go of her now... and start to look at your own new future with some positive curiosity. [color=blue]Catgirl, I included the following Q&A from Grey's site because I noticed that many times you've tried to attribute your bf's behaviors to his "fear" in the relationship. You can see by Grey's advice that even when it is fear that's making one of the partners act weird, getting past that fear is not simple. It requires a great deal of self work from BOTH partners.[/color] http://www.soulmateoracle.com/advice/answer190.html Confused over what our separation means... Hi, I am 22 years old and I was in a relationship with my boyfriend (22 years old) for 1 year and 1 month. Everything was working out fine until 3 weeks ago, when I realized that he was backing off because he was focused on his studies or he was too tired to come over to visit me. I know that he has many pressures right now, since he will become a dentist in 3 months and he doesn't know what he will do next and it is very important for him to make enough money to live well (and the situation of our country is not well). We were both under a lot of stress (I was in the middle of midterms), and I got anxious seeing how things with him were not the way they were before; so I started to put pressure on him by asking what was going on and telling him that he was hurting me and that we needed to talk soon. On the last day I told him, he came to visit me in a rush and told me that he really did not know what was happening, that he was sure that he loved me, that he could never see me as just a friend, that he felt I was the right person for him... that he did not want to hurt me, and that he knew I did not deserve the way he was having so many priorities at this time of his life that he was pushing me aside, and that he did not know how to handle this... He then said that he didn't want to mess things up as he had done in his past relationship, and that up to now things were better left this way so that we could probably retake the relationship in a nice way later without hard feelings... He just feels that he has too many pressures in his life now... I asked him if we could do things some other way, or he was sure of this decision, and he said that he was sure, although he could't tell if he would regret this decision later... He also said he knew he was taking the risk of losing me, but that he believes that when two people are meant to be together, they will be... At the end, I had no choice. Two weeks have passed since and we've talked (only about little things)... I have been trying to focus more on myself and the things I left aside while I was with him, although in the top pf my head are the big questions. What should I expect from all this? Should I try to forget him? Is this a testing period or a signal that we are not meant to be together? Can you help me with this? This is probably best thought of as a testing period. However, you need to know exactly what is being tested. Right now, more than the relationship itself, you are being tested. What is the test? You have to look at what has happened in the relationship to see what each partner is being tested by. To summarize your story of what led to this: (a) He was getting more involved in outside pressures (studies, decisions about work). (b) This created some distance in the relationship. © You reacted to this with insecurity and put emotional pressure on him to narrow the distance and become close again. (d) He reacted by backing off further, and finally decided to create even more distance. This is actually a classic "dance" that happens in a relationship -- especially when things are about at the one year time point -- especially when it is an important and meaningful relationship where there is some chance for longterm success. We call it a "Polarity Dance" and it is ultimately about the way couples polarize over a fight between closeness and distance. This is a normal first serious problem in a relationship, and it does need to be worked with and sorted out. Otherwise it will degenerate into a power struggle and eventually ruin the love a couple has for each other. The underlying emotions that come up in this polarity dance of "closeness" versus "distance" are: (1) one partner feels insecure, anxious, perhaps fears of abandonment -- and to reduce these emotions he/she wants to move back closer again. (2) the other partner feels emotional overwhelm, pressure, perhaps fears of being trapped -- and to reduce these emotions he/she wants more distance. There are other things going on, certainly the outside pressures on each of you also has an influence to amplify the emotional charge in this polarity dance. It is important to realize that this dance is not real -- it is more emotional than based on anything really being "wrong" in the relationship. It helps to understand that many of these underlying difficult emotions and fears are not even coming from the relationship -- they are being amplified by underlying fears and wounds that each of you already had before you met. We call this "Personal Baggage" -- and it is those sensitivities we all carry around from childhood. These past sensitivities will deeply affect your current relationship. And most of us do not realize it at the time. For instance, when my wife Bonney and I first got together, I had the fear of abandonment already -- from way back. (My mother was not very available in my childhood and my grandmother raised me. That's an extreme, but I am telling you just to make it more understandable that my sensitivity was something generated in childhood.) On the other hand, Bonney actually had the fear of being trapped and controlled in relationships -- from way back. (Her father was a very stern authority figure and she was made to be a "good" girl, even being responsible as the oldest of six children to help be responsible for and raise the other children.) At just under a year into our relationship -- it "turned out" that I wanted to go to the next stage of commitment a little quicker than Bonney did. So I put pressure on her. That is what started our polarity dance over the issue of closeness versus distance. And we soon were feeling the fears of being abandoned versus being trapped. We did not realize at the time where these strong feelings were really coming up from -- from our past, from those very sensitivities we carried around since childhood. So we fought instead, and blamed each other for "making" us fell either insecure (that was me) or in danger of being trapped (that was her). In reality, our relationship was just fine. It was that these inner demons were coming up within each of us, separately, and they fit together into this terribly upsetting dance. We were dancing the "polarity dance" but we did not see this. It took help from the outside to point out to us that we each were being tested by this relationship. Which brings me back to what your real test is here. I was being tested to heal my fears of distance in a relationship -- to heal those old sensitivities and fears of abandonment. Bonney was being tested to heal her old fears of being controlled and trapped in a relationship. The relationship itself was okay. It was each of us that had inner work to do. This is why Bonney and I say that soulmates are not simply found. They are MADE. That a couple who really loves each other in the honeymoon stage (which can last for up to a year) -- these are POTENTIAL soulmates. But the real work begins when the honeymoon ends and it is time to deal with the inevitable polarity dances or other challenges that come up in the relationship. Soulmates are those couples who face this work -- and look at the real tests -- which are inside each of them. They stop blaming the other person for "making" them feel upset, anxious or insecure -- and they start looking inside themself to heal the real source of this pain and fear. Put simply, as we do in our writings -- soulmates are made, not found. It involves a process of personal and emotional growth in each partner. Lasting soulmates do their soulwork in the relationship. So, looking at your test -- if you had not gotten so insecure and started putting pressure on your guy, it is obvious that the relationship would have continued to grow --- even if there was some distance for awhile as a part of that growth. That is clear, right? We are only talking about YOUR test here -- not his. In fact, looking at it that way -- "What is my test here -- where can I grow emotionally here?" -- this is the ONLY way you will ever get to the soulwork. You have to completely own your part of the polarity dance in order to stop doing it. So now you are being tested even more. Because he has moved away to create an even larger distance. And you are probably emotionally upset even more. Right? The test is the same. It has just intensified. If you truly face this test and learn to self-soothe your own emotional insecurities, you will pass the test. This does not mean having to "break" the relationship or "forget" about him. Those are only strategies that keep your same underlying emotional issues in place. They are attempts to get away from the thing that upsets you, rather than to deal with your real underlying issue -- which is the need to learn to self-soothe your own emotional upsets in love. You can never pass those upsets along to a partner -- without upsetting them in return -- and this is what sets up a polarity dance in the first place -- and keeps it building until it is emotionally unbearable. The only person who can change that is YOU. When you pressure a partner to change it, it only makes the dance stronger. Anyway, I am probably going on too much about this. I get the impression that he has attempted the best way he can under the pressures to save the good part of the relationship and keep this emotional intensity from ruining your love. So he has called a big "Time Out" here to let both of you settle down and get more resourceful. Simply put, he doesn't have any way to deal with your insecurities. He is not equipped to do this. And so he is hoping that you will get ahold of an inner way to do this. Sure, he has something to learn here too -- very obviously. This upset is not just all your doing. It is a dance -- remember? -- and it takes two to dance. You can expect a polarity dance over the upsetting issues in closeness versus distance in EVERY meaningful relationship. So I advise you to start working on your part of this dance right now -- the part within you. Not only will this help you better deal with the upset you are now experiencing in this "Time Out" period -- it will help you in love -- no matter what path your future takes. Bonney and I have written extensively about these issues. I do tend to go into detail on this subject in email. But still, I cannot fully cover the topic in just a page. The writings we offer below -- especially Keys to Lasting Love which you can download from our website -- give you many tools and strategies for working through these kinds of issues, and more. They describe the top ten polarity dances in relationships (yes, there are others) and give you tools for breaking out of them. You can learn techiques for better communication and dealing with upset emotions. You can get tools for self-soothing your own upset feelings. You can discover a way to build a strong shared vision. And many other important strategies for making sure love stays healthy and alive -- even when challenges like this come up. Consider getting these writings, and consider getting other books that deal with problems in love and relationships. This is a time for you to take better care of yourself and to educate yourself. Do this, and I suspect your relationship with this guy can get back on track -- and even become stronger than it was!
Author catgirl Posted February 7, 2005 Author Posted February 7, 2005 tkx CoolAunt, dont know why ive been like this the last year wish i knew myself.but i do need time by myself to fix whats going on as soon as i figure it out... i need to relax and chill out....tkx for your time I didnt have any drama with him untill he said he had to move...guess i didnt want to gamble 2 more months to see if things would of changed.. and yes i panic and broke up then rather have it happen 2 months down the road.this guy wasnt waiting in the wings,it just happened..we met,we hit it off right away..but anyways its over for me cant see it being any other way after what he said im not going to bother contacting him again if he cares he will come back if he doesnt it was never meant to be MHO i dont think he will be back its his problem not mine I see that now...tkx again....................
CoolAunt Posted February 7, 2005 Posted February 7, 2005 Catgirl, when I said that you panicked, I was referring to your mental and emotional state over it in general. I didn't mean that breaking it off with him sooner was a bad thing. As you said, it'll be easier on you to break up with two less months rather than two more months. ...if he cares he will come back if he doesnt it was never meant to be MHO i dont think he will be back its his problem not mine I see that now... That's the way to think and feel about it! You don't have to hang on to one who's not hanging on to you, too. You're worth way more than that. You may not believe it now, but one day you'll look back and think, "Man! That guy was a bonehead!" Take care. Cool Aunt
Author catgirl Posted February 8, 2005 Author Posted February 8, 2005 he sent me another email today here it is. "Well I got your email.I guess that I should have finished what I wanted to say and not left that email unfinished.I had to go on a call.I do care for you but I'm not in love with you.I thought that we talked all about that the other night.I never set out to hurt you.and I tried to let you know earlier on that I didn't want to get serious but that was lost somewhere along the way.I did like talking to you and being with you.I would find it very hard to be just friends with you because I'm so attracted to you,but that's not to say that that's all that I think or feel for you.I've been burned and my walls are up as I had said before.I'm not ready for what ever the reason to drop them.This is where I'm at now.don't know when that might change. I was going to offer you the tickets for Mike Macdonald but after getting you email I thought **** it.So I gave then to my mom.I'll get you dvd's together and get you your money asap.Ill contact you later to set up a time." so sent one back told him i cared to bad i wasnt enough to drop the walls but like i said when i broke it off with you im moving on... now when he calls to setup to come over to pay for pc work how should i handle it...take my dvds and money say tkx how you doing but i got to go......have plans dont want to be caught or get into anything with him.need advice on what to do.
Recommended Posts