How do you get rid of the bitterness?

[GingerVixen]

I have been very hurt by a guy 2 years ago. I have even shared my story about him in this forum. Things are fine, now, thank God. Sometimes I think of him, but I don't feel anything about him.

 

The thing is, I can feel I have changed. I am cold and distant somehow, even to my friends. When men come talk to me, sometimes in a flirty way, I find it so annoying.

 

I'm afraid I am becoming one of these people that, after being heartbroken, become bitter and never believe in love again.

 

What can I do to prevent this from happening? I have always believed in love. I want to believe in love again!

[Strength in Healing]

Powerful post -- and I feel for you.

 

I used to be so connected, so happy and so much emotion. Then 8 months after my first breakup, everything changed. I stopped crying, I stopped feeling anywhere near as much. I became dissociated.

 

I never healed. But I am not saying that to discourage you, but rather that if we are similar, you can target it now and try to fix it. It got worse each breakup, I became less and less emotional. Now I am a machine that runs on logic, and I control almost every aspect of how my "emotions" are displayed...

 

Here is what I suggest. See a PSYCHOLOGIST. Tell them this. You have to heal, you don't want to be a machine.

[jphcbpa]

lots of prayer, prayers for them/their happiness and helping others. find love in giving. (re)discover your passions or find a new one. what is your purpose in life? keep asking yourself that question.

[HeartinPain]

I am 8 months post BU and I feel the same way as Ginger. I did the work and focused on myself. I finally found myself happy again. Once I was happy again, I realized that when I was ready to date.. I still had hurt. I am not sure if it is because I've been out of the game for so long, but when I finally found a guy I was intensely attracted to, I would put up a wall. I know initially he was attracted to me too, but I am sure my coldness turned him off.

 

The bitterness comes within and when you finally let it go and learn from it is when you will be free. Try to be more open. You will not get anywhere not being able to trust anyone.

[BigGirlPantiesOn]

The only way I know how to relieve bitterness and resentment is to pray for those who hurt me. I am not religious, just spiritual. I ask God, or higher power, to grant them all the things I wish for myself: happiness, joyfulness, freedom, love and abundance. I dont have to mean it, I just have to say it.

 

Do it for 14 days and you WILL feel a shift. Its a gift I give to myself.

[KaliLove]

Rinse and spit.

 

No, just kidding. Trying to lighten the mood. This is actually a really good question. I feel the same way. I don't have an answer but I'm looking forward to other peoples' answers.

 

Not into the religious stuff though..no prayer for me. Like SIH said, therapy helps because it'll bring out some strong emotions (good ones and bad).

[Trovador]

I take risks. And I think most persons deserve an opportunity. Who am I to deny it to anyone?

 

In any case, I refuse to live in fear. And I prefer being burnt again in the end, than asking myself my whole life if the woman I acted cool towards was really special, maybe something close to the one or the one herself...

 

Maybe because I have been a lot of times in the receiving end of fear, bitterness and mistrust... what I'd have given for a single chance!

 

Yes, I have been burnt again, but nothing compared to my fall from heavens four years ago. Perhaps I am sort of immune to those maladies now, he he...

[barky2]

You obviously have just that one sore spot still lurking within you.

 

You need to come to terms with it.

 

My suggestion would be to take a long walk one day, think long and hard about what exactly lurks within you I.e his actions, something he said ect.

 

Cry if needed.

 

Unfortunately I've had a similar experience where I would be turned off to a woman even looking my way.

 

I found the root of the problem, faced it, took some more time, and I healed from inside out.

 

From a distant stranger, it just seems you're still carrying something...find what it is.

 

And kick it right in the short and curlies.

 

 

 

 

Barky

[todreaminblue]

how i believe in love after being hurt many times.......is i have seen penguin love....old couples waddling together, my family ancestors.......

 

 

heres a story one of my ancestors is gk chesterton he had an enduring love with his wife and life till his death (i am hoping for them that they are now eternally holding hands but anyway i am tangenting)......gk chesterton was pretty much a genius and often vague he said to his wife one day ....where i am i supposed to be beloved.... he felt lost missing something........she said to him here with me...just here....now i know deep in my heart with his blood in my veins........he never cheated on her.....

 

 

 

....now i have been cheated on abused and put down gone through some pretty hard times...gone through enough for about twenty lifetimes..but that doesnt mean love dosnt exist ......doesnt mean i wont find the "one" for me or that i wont be "the one" for someone else.......i would be happy to someones the one if i dont find it mutually....i have love to give....so i should have love in return........

 

 

if you can feel love and know there is love,someone can love you..........

 

i dont believe that anyone who has had their heart broken gets that heart healed by anothers love....only god has that priviledge ....i do believe that when you love another that your love will grow in spite of scars sometimes the flaws in our hearts help us to find better love truer love........because we dont want to hurt others in the way we have been hurt so we share that in the next love.........thats love........wanting not to hurt the person you are with...........but protect them from that hurt you felt at all costs....cause it sucks dont it......you have to believe in love even when you dont see it..you have to rember when and how you have seen it..........faith in love to find it.........if you have never witnessed love.....that is the only time it would be rare to find it.....people who are neglected who have never witnessed love need to see it in action...i have shown neglected people love and compassion...have you witnessed love?.......you have here by what people are writing to you witnessing hope about love as i do......a little tindre of hope for you.......is in this thread...if you want to see it you will have it...best wishes...hugs...........deb

[pickflicker]

Forgiveness.

 

So many people are under the impression that forgiving someone for hurting you, is about the other person. That 'withholding' that forgiveness, is punishing them.

 

Forgiveness is only about you. Forgive them for hurting you (in your own mind, of course, don't write them a letter or anything), and realise that you're not a miracle worker, and can't fix what is broken.

 

Then leave them behind in the past and move forward.

 

Bloody hell, that was touchy-feely, coming from me and all...

[lil hoodlum]

I don't have an definetive answer either. This is something I have been struggling with as well.

 

I can tell you the bitterness feels like a poison to my heart and soul. I also know that it is only affecting me. Not the other person.

 

I have tried so hard to let it go (forgive). I have tried my best to deal with this and handle this on my own. I have acknowledged to myself that this is more than I can handle.

 

I have prayed about this and "tried" to turn it over to God several times. Yet is seems that I am having a diffucult time letting it go.

 

I don't want to be like this. Having bitterness in my heart towards another human being is a terrible way to go through life, a real joy/happiness killer.

 

I look forward to hearing how others have dealt with this as well.

[bubbaganoosh]

I went through a bad divorce a long time ago and when the dust settled, she might have finally gotten out of my life but the effects of it caused me to look at women like no a one of them was any good. This went on for a couple of years

 

I developed a bad attitude and finally a good friend told me that all I was doing was shooting myself in the foot with my attitude and to get over it.

 

The problem was that I was one of those that needed extra time to get over the anger. It' not that I loved her. She was royal pain in the ass but the anger form her was what I had to deal with.

 

It took time but I got over it. Now maybe you should talk to a professional about it and maybe they can help. I know the feeling. Good luck.

[KatZee]

I'm in the same boat.

 

Was dumped 2 years ago after being cheated on multiple times both physically and emotionally.

 

My heart pretty much died at that point and although sometimes it does get a flicker of life now and again, it's never been what it used to be.

 

The hopeful naivety I had when I was younger and full of optimism and rainbows and butterflies has long vanished.

 

I've had too many bad things happen to me, and I see too many bad things happening around me to believe in "true love" anymore.

 

People suck, and as time goes on, I realize just how much I hate the human race. I don't have answers as to "how to believe" again. As you get older, as you experience more, you enter reality. It's no longer fantasy land.

 

I've long forgiven myself for allowing my ex to treat me the way he did, and I've long since moved on from him. But what's left is honestly just a shell of what I used to be. I don't have too many hopes of people, and I'm always waiting for the next guy to pull some random s.hit with me, and truth is, they always do.

[mtnbiker3000]

I'm in the same boat.

 

Was dumped 2 years ago after being cheated on multiple times both physically and emotionally.

 

My heart pretty much died at that point and although sometimes it does get a flicker of life now and again, it's never been what it used to be.

 

The hopeful naivety I had when I was younger and full of optimism and rainbows and butterflies has long vanished.

 

I've had too many bad things happen to me, and I see too many bad things happening around me to believe in "true love" anymore.

 

People suck, and as time goes on, I realize just how much I hate the human race. I don't have answers as to "how to believe" again. As you get older, as you experience more, you enter reality. It's no longer fantasy land.

 

I've long forgiven myself for allowing my ex to treat me the way he did, and I've long since moved on from him. But what's left is honestly just a shell of what I used to be. I don't have too many hopes of people, and I'm always waiting for the next guy to pull some random s.hit with me, and truth is, they always do.

 

Hey, where ya been KZ??

 

You know how it goes. If you expect to be thrashed, then that's the vibe you put out... and that's exactly what happens. Have a little faith. Believe in positivity, and ya just might get it in return.

 

Crap, I've been through the wringer too. But I refuse to let her destroy my hopes and possible future happiness. I won't let her do that to me. And neither should you.

 

Like George Michael says... 'Yes I've got to have faith....'

[FortunateSon]

I am currently struggling with this as well. There is a dark hole of both bitterness and numbness that is left which I fear I will not get out of. I have done so many things to heal myself and 10 months later, although I have made a ton of progress, I still feel stuck. I feel like I have one last obstacle to get past to feel whole again.

[lil hoodlum]

I am at the 2 year mark of the break up as well.

 

I still believe in love and like mtnbiker3000, I refuse to give up.

 

But I am so tired of trying and things not working out as I hope for. And like some of you, I am a former shell of what I used to be. Used to be so full of happiness and felt more positively about people/life. Now it seems the people who I come into contact most often are users, time-wasters, and generally all round selfish.

 

I know there are many caring, kind, decent, and giving people out there. I also don't hold my past negative experiences against others. Everyone gets a fresh slate with me.

 

I am also not the type to hold grudges and am usually the first to forgive and forget, but the pain and heartache that I endured really has made me question so much about me, life, and my values.

 

I just don't understand why I am struggling so much with letting this go.

[Brutus]

Perhaps I am wrong, but it may be a bit easier when your former partner mistreated you or was unfair with you. My ex was quite fair, she stopped loving me, and was sorry for my pain, but could not change the way she felt. In a way, I feel this makes it much more difficoult because I cannot truly hate her, in spite of the immense pain I am going through and in spite the fact that, as many of you say, I feel she drained away my belief in love, my passion, my healthy naivity and my capacity to invest my emotions into someone else. She made me skeptical, dry and suspicious. This is the worst thing she did to me, and the fact that she made it unintentionally makes it much more difficult to get over it.

[Woggle]

Look at me. I was beyond bitter after my divorce and for a good time as well but I found genuine love and I find my bitterness becoming less and less everyday.

[FortunateSon]

Look at me. I was beyond bitter after my divorce and for a good time as well but I found genuine love and I find my bitterness becoming less and less everyday.

How long were you bitter for? Did it take find a new relationship to take that bitterness away?

[KatZee]

Hey, where ya been KZ??

 

You know how it goes. If you expect to be thrashed, then that's the vibe you put out... and that's exactly what happens. Have a little faith. Believe in positivity, and ya just might get it in return.

 

Crap, I've been through the wringer too. But I refuse to let her destroy my hopes and possible future happiness. I won't let her do that to me. And neither should you.

 

Like George Michael says... 'Yes I've got to have faith....'

 

Haha, I've been hanging around! Nah, I mean I'm really laid back, I just used to have the mentality that all good things would come to me b/c I'm a good person, but that's not reality. I hope one day I'll meet someone great, but I don't sit around holding my breath for it. I just take it as it comes.

[BC1980]

It pains me to remember the optimistic, in love person I used to be. I believed I was one of the lucky ones, and I was never happier. Now, I look at the reality and realize I actually wasn't treated very well and was never accepted or loved the way I should have been. It's so disheartening.

 

I used to be happy just to be alive and felt lucky to get up in the morning. I just don't have that same enthusiasm anymore, and it makes me sad. In way, I'm glad I have gone thorough this awful experience because I feel that nothing scares me anymore. I do feel that I am wiser and more mature. I try very hard to see things differently, and I have come to believe that is key. It is totally normal to feel disillusioned after a bad breakup. I've been able to find some peace with writing and making sense of my emotions. I don't think I will ever the same again, but I hope that is a good thing.

[mantlefan]

I am not sure what to say about this.

 

 

My ex cheated on me, lied to me, manipulated me, and used my unquestioning trust to take advantage of me. I think part of me WANTS for that to have scarred me permanently. That in 20 years we will cross paths and I will be content with a career I value and a few close friends, and I will be alone. Why do I want that?

 

 

My guess is because what I want deep down is for her to see how much she hurt me. I am so mad at her for not only hurting me, but not even caring. I think part of me wants her to feel horribly guilty for what she did.

 

 

But that isn't all of it. I do have a sincere doubt that I will never find someone to trust. If someone who seemed like such a good person turned out to be so awful, how am I going to know who is trustworthy?

 

 

I imagine my life 5 years from now, and unlike when I was with this ex, I don't really have anything in mind. I imagine I will have a job I enjoy decent, somewhere away from the town I am in now. But I really don't see a woman in it.

 

 

When we were together, most of my fantasies were physical. When she dumped me, but before I found out about the cheating and lying and manipulation, my fantasies, honestly, were about all the opportunities I had to be there for her or interpret her hints that I missed. Now my fantasies are about telling her off and making her cry with unspeakable guilt and shame, or punching out the "friend" of mine she cheated on me with, whom she left me for, and who gave me advice about the breakup even as he was secretly trying to get with her.

 

 

I guest taught in a middle school classroom the other day and I thought, within an hour of each other "These lucky little bastards. They have no idea what life is really like." and "These poor bastards. They have no idea the heartbreak that is on it's way."

Edited April 19, 2014 by mantlefan

[Brutus]

Now my fantasies are about telling her off and making her cry with unspeakable guilt and shame, or punching out the "friend" of mine she cheated on me with, whom she left me for, and who gave me advice about the breakup even as he was secretly trying to get with her.

Go, punch him, I would totally do it!

Ok, just kidding, but if someone else is a horrible person, they should be sorry for themselves, not you. If they are not, this makes them all the more miserable.

[Brutus]

It pains me to remember the optimistic, in love person I used to be. I believed I was one of the lucky ones, and I was never happier. Now, I look at the reality and realize I actually wasn't treated very well and was never accepted or loved the way I should have been. It's so disheartening.

 

I used to be happy just to be alive and felt lucky to get up in the morning. I just don't have that same enthusiasm anymore, and it makes me sad. In way, I'm glad I have gone thorough this awful experience because I feel that nothing scares me anymore. I do feel that I am wiser and more mature. I try very hard to see things differently, and I have come to believe that is key. It is totally normal to feel disillusioned after a bad breakup. I've been able to find some peace with writing and making sense of my emotions. I don't think I will ever the same again, but I hope that is a good thing.

 

I feel like you, bro. I feel she dried my soul and hardened my heart. I guess it made me grow disenchanted about my perhaps idealized and absolute idea of love, my romantic attitude and my readiness to give all myself to the person I love. I know from now on I will be more skeptical and suspicious, that the fear of getting hurt will prevent me from being the loving person iI was. If this is a lesson, well, then I wish she never taught it to me.

[Arieswoman]

GingerVixen, I really do feel your pain, as I've been there.

 

I learned that I couldn't do it alone, so I got into some counselling/therapy to work through it.

 

I also learned new skills to help boost my self-esteem and make me feel better about myself.

 

You could do a lot worse than try these ideas out.

 

Good Luck.