CurvyGurl Posted February 3, 2005 Posted February 3, 2005 Having one of those days where....I hate my life. Alot. I really don't have a reason to. I have a great life... scratched my way up from beneath nothing to a great job, live in a great condo, have a vehicle that gets me around... the world is at my fingertips. But I hate my life. I can't seem to meet people I'd want to hang out with on a weekly basis... would rather be alone than fake a friendship with a vapid or materialistic woman who wants to hang out at the 'club of the week'. Yes, I know women aren't really like that, but... I just don't have the energy or interest to even try and discover how they're NOT like that. Hate. my. life. Can't seem to meet a man who would like to be a part of a relationship. At any point. At any juncture. For any reason. Men just do not like me. Oh, they like me. I'm great for whining to. Crying on my shoulder. Coming over and eating my food and partaking of my damn good nature. But they don't LIKE me. Not that way. I don't think they get it. I don't think they understand how much wrestling I have to do with myself to get myself to like them in the first place. How I tell myself 'no, don't even start. Cause you'll get about 4, 6 weeks down the road and he'll start with the 'yeah, I'm not really looking for a relationship right now (with you). I'm just thinking I really need to, you know, concentrate on myself (not being with you), and it's not you, you know (ok it IS you but I am a weenie and I don't want to say it's you). ' THey don't understand how I tell myself, everytime, that it won't do any good to start to like him, because it will end up the same way as it always does... and then how I talk myself into being positive, being light, thinking good thoughts about it,maybe it won't. Maybe it will be different. Maybe he won't be the same as always, and maybe you won't screw it up. And maybe you won't get attached too soon and make him uncomfortable and make him back away and start giving the excuses. Maybe, maybe, maybe it will be real this time. Maybe. But it's not. He's not different. No matter how different he says he is, or seems, or acts, he isn't. He's like all the others. Because I turn them into all the others. Right when I start to relax, he starts to fadeaway. So I stopped relaxing... and now I'm tense all the time... and he's uptight because I am tense. And then four weeks later he's with a wonderful woman and he was magically able to overcome his issues and be with someone and be caring and loving and giving and isn't it special??? Why yes. Yes it sure is. Congratulations. ASS. I hate my life. If I could be piss poor but have someone... just... someone to care about me like I care about them... someone I could count on, and relax with... someone who could tell by the tone of an email that I am upset... someone who thought of me having a f'ing terrible day, seeing as how my best friend just moved about 3500 miles away, before he launched into yet another tirade of what's wrong with his life, because he knows I'm gonna be there to hear him out... someone who doesnt take what's so very special and important to me and sully it and make it cheap, tawdry and meaningless.... I would take that life in a second. I would take it. If you HAVE it, dont let it go. This pain is unbearable. So now I have damn valentine's day approaching. I was so hopeful I'd actually have someone as a Valentine this year. I was positive and hopeful and happy and looking foward to the day. Now I will be bitter and sad and dejected and staring at women walking down the street with flowers and bears and candy, dragging their loot from the office and squealing with delight at what their SO's sent them, wrote them, showed them for Valentine's Day. People will be getting engaged and married and celebrating anniversaries and I will be at home with some Santino's manicotti and Cannoli. Alone. I'm watching diamond commercials and cursing under my breath. Romantic movies and tv shows and..... it's all out there just screaming at me. WHAT A FRICKEN LOSER YOU ARE!!!!!!!!!! I hate my life. I will be fine. I just need to vent and get this off my chest. Like every year around this time I just get depressed and I just need some time to wallow in it. Join me on the couch of misery....
moimeme Posted February 3, 2005 Posted February 3, 2005 Well, actually no thanks. My story? Husband who turned out to be gay. Alcoholic abuser. Guy with AD/HD and an armful of other disorders. Fortunately not all the same guy. Couple others but those suffice to make the point. Am I giving up? Not until my last breath is gone. These were lessons. They were experiences. And I utterly refuse to hate my life. I've known enough people to exit the planet suddenly. I don't want to be one who left miserable, moaning, and blue. So I learned to find reasons to enjoy my life. When I tried to plan my life, inevitably monkey wrenches ended up in the midst of my plans to toss them awry. When I thought I had found God's path for me, I ended up in dead ends. Pretty much however I've tried to conduct my life has landed me right back at zero. But the sky was glorious when I was walking home, I had a tasty dinner, and as far as I know I'm very healthy - so I'm already three for three over some poor folks. And somewhere, he who will understand what a deal he'll be getting when he chooses me is on his path to me as surely as I am to him. And maybe we both still have to try on another relationship or two before we find a life together, but the end result will be worth all that went before. And if I'm wrong about it all, I'll know on my deathbed and not a minute before. Which, hopefully, gives me a good many decades yet before I even consider giving up.
Author CurvyGurl Posted February 3, 2005 Author Posted February 3, 2005 I hope I can be as hopeful in a few days. Your post puts a great perspective on things. However... I still feel the same. I just need to feel it, I guess.
seahorse Posted February 4, 2005 Posted February 4, 2005 Sorry you're feeling bad Curvygurl. Things can make you feel very low at times, even when from the outside it looks like you've got it all going for you. Keep you chin up, keep positive and out there. Anyway, my divorce absolute landed on the door mat today, quite weird, as it's also the three year anniversary of my husband telling me he'd been screwing someone else behind my back for the five years previous to that! Taken me three years to get rid of him legally - now I've just got to get this house sold, and make a new start with my kids. I'm a free woman!
Pocky Posted February 4, 2005 Posted February 4, 2005 Originally posted by CurvyGurl But it's not. He's not different. Hey! Wait a minute. Did I miss a post? What happened to the politician guy you were thinking of getting a gift for?
Author CurvyGurl Posted February 4, 2005 Author Posted February 4, 2005 I honestly don't know what to make of him. He gets moody and depressed and withdrawn. He's unhappy with his job and his life and I guess that means he can't talk to me or hang out with me or do anything with me. I dunno. He's checked out. I've only known him a month... he's gone from several emails/calls a day and hanging on the weekends at my place to absolutely nothing... lucky if I get a melancholy five word response to an email. Kind of tired of dealing with it and I go between wanting to be supportive and just writing him off, leaning toward the latter. I can't help someone who can't help themselves.
Pocky Posted February 4, 2005 Posted February 4, 2005 Oh - well it's probably for the best. Yeah I know. It sounds cheesy. I feel cheesy saying it.. At least you won't have to come on LS and write a post about how you've been with your boyfriend for five years and all he does is sit around the house all day depressed, masturbating to pornography! Right? Does that help?
Author CurvyGurl Posted February 4, 2005 Author Posted February 4, 2005 Not really. I don't think I'd mind having a boyfriend for 5 yrs. 5 weeks would be heaven for me. Sorry, I thought I felt a bit of positivity, but it was just gas. I don't like giving up. I don't like that I have to give up on him.
moimeme Posted February 4, 2005 Posted February 4, 2005 I don't like giving up. I don't like that I have to give up on him. Hanging on to something futile is worse.
jgs78 Posted February 9, 2005 Posted February 9, 2005 Hey Curvygirl, I know you posted this a few days ago, but I definitely have to say I am right there with you. I am trying to think about the positives but am somehow stuck down in the negatives. Isn't it amazing how soon we forget about the bad times and then suddenly we are back in it again and feel like it will take forever to get out? BUT I try and think that this too shall pass. The bad things are just bumps in the road and pretty soon it will pass. Anyway hope you are doing better. I bet you are an aweosome person and I definitely think that every pot has a lid and you will find yours.
karlym3 Posted February 17, 2005 Posted February 17, 2005 Because I turn them into all the others. Right when I start to relax, he starts to fadeaway. So I stopped relaxing... and now I'm tense all the time... and he's uptight because I am tense. And then four weeks later he's with a wonderful woman and he was magically able to overcome his issues and be with someone and be caring and loving and giving and isn't it special??? Why yes. Yes it sure is. Congratulations. ASS. The same thing happens to me time and time again. I just put up a thread abotu it. I am always the booty call girl and then next girl that comes along is the relationship girl. I just dont understand it. I feel the same way you do about finding girl friends. They always ditch you once they find a man. This also puts pressure on to find one to as we see how happy it makes them. I feel like the letter you wrote came straight from heart. Valentines day sucked. The guy im dating spent it with his friends. I got a phone call.. thats it. But.... at least i have a good job, and a place to live car.
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