What do you say to children?

[notserene]

WH and I have ten year old twin boys.

 

D day took place when my children were spending the night at a friend's house. This was to some extent by design. However, as I'm sure everyone knows, the emotional fallout went on for a while (and isn't completely over - D day was only seven weeks ago).

 

We try to keep our discussions about the affair away from the kids but they are old enough to know something is up. We are trying to reconcile. They have overheard some arguing, crying, etc. Not a lot of extreme emotion but things are definitely tense.

 

I can tell that they are affected by the atmosphere in the house, which makes them alternate between clinginess and acting out.

 

I don't think it's appropriate to tell them exactly what is going on, but how do I give them reassurance? I did tell them that Mom and Dad had a disagreement about something, but that we both loved them and it had nothing to do with either of them.

 

Affairs suck - even when you try to minimize the collateral damage, it's still there.

 

[BHsigh]

WH and I have ten year old twin boys.

 

D day took place when my children were spending the night at a friend's house. This was to some extent by design. However, as I'm sure everyone knows, the emotional fallout went on for a while (and isn't completely over - D day was only seven weeks ago).

 

We try to keep our discussions about the affair away from the kids but they are old enough to know something is up. We are trying to reconcile. They have overheard some arguing, crying, etc. Not a lot of extreme emotion but things are definitely tense.

 

I can tell that they are affected by the atmosphere in the house, which makes them alternate between clinginess and acting out.

 

I don't think it's appropriate to tell them exactly what is going on, but how do I give them reassurance? I did tell them that Mom and Dad had a disagreement about something, but that we both loved them and it had nothing to do with either of them.

 

Affairs suck - even when you try to minimize the collateral damage, it's still there.

 

 

I'm sorry that you're in this position, my twin daughters were 9 on our day, they were even told when I was pursuing a divorce. I don't think that you need to discuss the affair with them of course, but just reassure them that this has nothing to do with them, and that you both love them very much.

 

I kind of struggled with this as well though, but thankfully my wife told them that we were having a rough time because she lied to me very badly.

[ClemsonTigers]

I'm of the opinion you tell them the full truth in an age appropriate manner.

 

If your husband is still foggy, you do it with out him. If he's recovering and maintaining a strict "no contact" with the OW, then you can do it together.

 

Children are hyper sensitive to these matters and they are narcissists. If you don't tell them what's going on they will certainly believe it has to do with them. They will handle the truth much better and, if and when you husband does right by you and them, be proud of him for making amends and leading your marriage into and through recovery. They can actually help you hold him accountable.

 

This is also important modeling behavior. Both you and your husband have important life lessons to teach them here. First, as a BS you are teaching them appropriate responses to someone inflicting pain upon you, boundaries, reconciliation, and about forgiveness (potentially). As a WS, hopefully becoming a FWS, your husband can teach his boys a lessor about humbleness, the difference between right and wrong, how to apologize|repent and owning your mistakes. Denying them these important life lessons to minimize your husband's (and your) shame is a huge mistake - - IMO. These are character building FACTS about their lives they should be aware of. They are stronger than you think….just ask them if they want the truth. They always do. It's the adults that have a harder time with this stuff.

 

I'm also not a fan of the BS comforting the children by telling them "WE" still love you. Waywardism is an action devoid of familial love. It's the antithesis of love. You can certainly tell them YOU love them but your husband needs to speak for himself about HIS love for them. In other words, don't lie for your husband. His recent behavior certainly wasn't "loving" so you presuming and reassuring your children of his love after he has completely shattered your love and trust in him, isn't helping them, him OR you.

 

At a minimum, don't lie to your children to minimize the consequences to him for his own deceitful behavior.

[gettingstronger]

My boys were 14 and 18 at the time. We told them that it's obvious we are going through some rough stuff but we are doing everything we can to make it work. We told them we love each other and this is hard on all of us. It was so hard on them because until dday we never fought out loud. Sure we had disagreements but not crying fits. They chose to ignore it but I know they are damaged. I did my best to shield them but it was impossible tondo so completely.

 

That's something in therapy that kills my husband. He grew up in a difficult household and the fact he brought this in to their lives is something he has a hard time dealing with. The boys say they are ok, but we all know better.

[jnel921]

My kids at home are older at the time my son and daughter were 15 and 16. I honestly felt that there was no need to talk to them about our private and personal situation. First of all there is no need to get them upset over very adult situations that they don't understand.

 

The only thing they ever needed to understand if necessary was that we would be divorcing. At that point you let them know that things just didn't work out. You don't need to provide details. As kids get older they wise up and can tell what kind of person you are.

 

I am sure that if they witnessed any disrespect they would question it. Their biological dad and I D before my daughter was born. They see him now for what he is. A serial cheater as this has been his MO and how he has been in his last M.

 

When my current H and I went through our own D-Day over a year and a half ago there was no reason to tell them. I didn't want them picking sides or giving an opinion. I chose to stay and R.

 

I think this is probably the biggest issue when you tell the world and everyone now hates your H and you decide to stay. How dumb do you feel when people shake their heads at you. This is why I know this is a personal decision that is no one's business but my own.

 

As long as you can show your kids that mommy and daddy have some kind of love and respect for one another then you should be fine.

 

Good luck to you.

[fellini]

Originally we told our 9 year old nothing, as we were pretty sure that reconciliation was going to work, and we were able to keep from her as much as possible any evidence. Of course she know some things were amiss, but like you we told her that it was something between the two of us.

 

8 months after D-Day my WS, on christmas eve, told me that she thought she was still in love with her AP, that she was torn, confused, etc. This hit me pretty hard, on top of the trickle truthing. So I decided we needed to try a structured separation to be able to sort out our issues on our own.

 

So we had to tell her something. We told her of the present, not the past. We told her her mother was interested in another man, and did not know if she wanted to be with him or her dad. This resulted in some very clear questions, precisely the questions that my WS should have asked herself.

 

We did not tell her about the one year EA/PA or what the other man had in mind. As far was we were concerned it was the process of undoing the damage that we were working on, not the question of who "loved" who more.

 

I am happy we told her this, because HAD my WS actually decided to leave, we would not have to reinvent the the truth for our daughter. I dont think 9 year olds should be involved in these issues, but if one of her parents is thinking to abandon the family for another, single man, I think its best not to lie about that, just in case it actually happens.