StrawberryGirl Posted February 3, 2005 Posted February 3, 2005 Ok well I am considered a cheater since I was w/ another man who was married (but supposedly separated)...(and got pregnant while w/ him) while my husband I were separated, SO, now my husband and I are back trying to work it out, however the man I was with went back to his wife after he found out I was preg (and he was pissed that I was) and I have no problem with that, it's just alot of times I think..gosh he probably doesn't think of me and he probably is really happy now and everything must be working out for them and their sex must be great and his wife probably doesn't dwell on the fact that her husband cheated and got me preg and etc.etc.....but then I sit here reading through all of these infidelity pages and I come across pages of women who were betrayed and men who were betrayed and who gave their spouses second chances and they are back here on love shack because things are not so happily ever after?? It just makes me think ..are my thoughts of how happy he is unrealistic..that the odds are against trying to make it work actually work? supposedly he was going to church so it can help w/ his marriage but I realize he is on instant message on the evening's church is and during the church times, as if she goes but he no longer does..hmmm! Sometimes I think about the reason's he told me he left her and from what I know his close friend said it wasn't the first time he left her for being unhappy with her or for someone else..hmmm again and I think if he left w/ problems between them aren't those problems still there?? The last conversation or should i say call w/ him he just yelled @ me saying "i'm with my family, i'm where I belong, i'm going to make it up to my wife"!!! and that is fine but I just wonder??? Things between my husband and I have been hard and rocky since we have been back together...but is him and his wife some miracle couple and all that happened isn't affecting them????
sylviaguardian Posted February 3, 2005 Posted February 3, 2005 From my own perspective, I know that things will NOT be great for his wife. Living with someone who has cheated on you is not easy, however you look at it. However, she presumably loves him a lot to be staying the course. Whether he's happy or not, I couldn't say. I know some people who cheat feel really bad about what they have inflicted on their SO and have to live with the guilt. On the other hand, I am sure there are others who think that it is no big deal and just go back to their 'normal' lives. I guess they are probably not happy right now, but that is not the issue. The main point is that they love each other enough to try to work through things, so they might be happy together in the future. The question I would ask you is why do you care so much? Shouldn't you be busy trying to make your own situation better? Sylvia
jmargel Posted February 3, 2005 Posted February 3, 2005 Strawberry, You said you got back with your husband, but you are more concerned about this 'other' guy then your own! I haven't heard one word about how bad your husband hurts, or what caused the breakup of your marriage to begin with. Sounds like you truly don't love your husband, and don't want to be with him. You just use him as a safety net. As for this other guy, he used you. Plain & simple. Otherwise he would have left his wife for good to be with you. Read the OM/OW forum. There is not ONE case where the OM/OW have left their spouse for good to be with them. It always ends the same. The cheaters go back with their wives/husbands. Right now you need to focus on this child you are bearing and what you want to do with your life. Not wondering if he's going to church and spying on him with IM. That's just childish. He doesn't want to be with you. Also, do your husband a favor and divorce him and get some counseling.
Pocky Posted February 3, 2005 Posted February 3, 2005 Originally posted by jmargel Strawberry, You said you got back with your husband, but you are more concerned about this 'other' guy then your own! I haven't heard one word about how bad your husband hurts, or what caused the breakup of your marriage to begin with. Right now you need to focus on this child you are bearing and what you want to do with your life. Not wondering if he's going to church and spying on him with IM. That's just childish. He doesn't want to be with you. I agree with the quoted portion of Jmargel's statement.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted February 3, 2005 Posted February 3, 2005 Originally posted by jmargel ... Read the OM/OW forum. There is not ONE case where the OM/OW have left their spouse for good to be with them. It always ends the same. The cheaters go back with their wives/husbands.... Always? The forum is only a handful of what happens in the real world. The ones that work out don't need this forum, that's why you don't read about them.
michelangelo Posted February 3, 2005 Posted February 3, 2005 Mom/wife/cheat, You go right ahead believing you have a shot at "love" withe guy who got you pregnant and dumped you to go back to his wife. Right, and look behind you too, there are monkeys flying out your bum! Seriously, you have a child to think of now. And please don't make your husband pay for the upbringing. Get child support out of the "father." You are not going to find love where it doesn't exist.
jmargel Posted February 3, 2005 Posted February 3, 2005 MWC, Ok.. then tell me from experience that you know of a couple that is happily together who were once part of a married relationship when they got together. Actually, even search on the net for some. For every 1 success story that you can bring up, I can bring up 50 more that didn't. And you know why? It's because there is NO trust. Even if Strawberry got back with the OM and married him, whose to say that one of them won't go off and cheat again? There is no true love or commitment. It's all about lust, all about excitement of the moment and when they realize that has died off, and their extramarrital affair is just as stressful and montinious as their marriage that's when they go back to their wives/husbands.
Author StrawberryGirl Posted February 3, 2005 Author Posted February 3, 2005 Jmargel~~ not ALL affairs are based on pussy and I do not believe the affair I had was. I believe it was based on a change up of companionship, newness and someone he could be with w/out them being so bitchy to him all the time. Pussy is pussy, it is all the same and I never felt mine was any different. Another reason I believe it was not about pussy was we did not have sex a whole lot and not until a month after dating. Our days together were spent escaping the reality of marriage, marriage's we were not happy with, but we did realize that some day we would have to face that reality and work on the MARRIAGE or agreement we had made w/ our spouses and that agreement was, through good time's and bad. I never expected my married man to leave his wife for good, I knew he would someday go back to her but I was going to have fun while he was there. My aunt and uncle are living proof that married men NEVER actually leave their wives, that they ALWAYS some where some how go back. After cheating on my aunt 23 yrs ago and divorcing my aunt and marrying the woman he cheated on her with..to this day, 23 yrs later he is still with the woman he cheated on my aunt with but who does he go back to?? MY AUNT! He now cheats on his new wife with my AUNT..My aunt who was once the wife is now the other woman..he buys her things and still gives my aunt money.She always tells me he is a DOG but yet she let's him have his cake and eat it too (what all married men who cheat want). Yes my husband and I are back together but we never strayed too far from eachother during the affair I had. I stayed close to my husband because although we were not making it as a married couple, he was still my best friend that I hurt. We are actually doing quite well (with some minor bumps int he road) and yes he is there for me while I am now raising my child that was concieved with the married man. I do really wish the married man happiness, if I did not then I would be drama in his life and be a living hell to him buuuut I do not wish to do that, I just let him be from the minute he decided to leave. It's just the thought of him does pop in my mind alot, I do miss him because we had alot of fun together and it is only natural to have those feeling and thoughts. I wish he was at least my friend still but givin the situation that will never work or happen! I want to say that If I could take it all back I would and not let the affair happen and not let the married man leave his wife from the beginning buuut that would entail me never having my son and I love my son too much to wish that I could take it all back. I do still care about him but I wish him happiness and I just wonder his thoughts of me sometimes. I think it matters so much to me because we were friends so long ago and I still honestly and genuinely care......
KissMyTiara Posted February 3, 2005 Posted February 3, 2005 Originally posted by jmargel MWC, Ok.. then tell me from experience that you know of a couple that is happily together who were once part of a married relationship when they got together. Actually, even search on the net for some. For every 1 success story that you can bring up, I can bring up 50 more that didn't. And you know why? It's because there is NO trust. Even if Strawberry got back with the OM and married him, whose to say that one of them won't go off and cheat again? There is no true love or commitment. It's all about lust, all about excitement of the moment and when they realize that has died off, and their extramarrital affair is just as stressful and montinious as their marriage that's when they go back to their wives/husbands. Well, I'll tell you this much: my office only has 22 attorneys, but in just that 22, there are 2 couples (who work together, here) who are currently married to each other, very much in love, and BEGAN as affairs, and in BOTH of these relationships BOTH people were otherwise involved/married/engaged/etc. So it DOES happen, it DOES work - just not as often as many OW/OM would hope. But then again, MOST relationships, regardless of how they begin, don't work out - isn't that true? And guess what? Sure, for every success story, there are 50 failures. But this is true regardless of how the successful relationship began. I probably have already dated 50 single men in my life...that's 50 failures. A success is on the way...
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted February 3, 2005 Posted February 3, 2005 Originally posted by michelangelo Mom/wife/cheat, You go right ahead believing you have a shot at "love" withe guy who got you pregnant and dumped you to go back to his wife. Right, and look behind you too, there are monkeys flying out your bum! Seriously, you have a child to think of now. And please don't make your husband pay for the upbringing. Get child support out of the "father." You are not going to find love where it doesn't exist. Sorry you must have misread my name - I'm not pregnant with anyone's baby!!
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted February 3, 2005 Posted February 3, 2005 Originally posted by KissMyTiara And guess what? Sure, for every success story, there are 50 failures. But this is true regardless of how the successful relationship began. I probably have already dated 50 single men in my life...that's 50 failures. A success is on the way... amen sister!!
Owl Posted February 3, 2005 Posted February 3, 2005 What's the current failure rate (read, divorce rate) of marriages nowadays? It's not good, but I hadn't heard that it was anywhere near the 49/50 marriages in divorce range.... AFFAIRS tend to have a high mortality rate...usually given the fact that they only thrive under secrecy...and are normally ill-equipped to bloom into a "real" relationship once exposed. Not counting dating in high-school, I've had one other "relationship". It lasted for about a year. It was a failure. My relationship with my wife has lasted nearly 18...while it has had it's ups and downs, and we had a rough one this time last year, we're still together, still in love, and I'd still consider it to be a success. So, so far I'm not batting too bad of an average.
michelangelo Posted February 3, 2005 Posted February 3, 2005 Um, hello? The very first lines of this thread, and I quote: "k well I am considered a cheater since I was w/ another man who was married (but supposedly separated)...(and got pregnant while w/ him) while my husband I were..."
jmargel Posted February 3, 2005 Posted February 3, 2005 Originally posted by StrawberryGirl Jmargel~~ not ALL affairs are based on pussy and I do not believe the affair I had was. I believe it was based on a change up of companionship, newness and someone he could be with w/out them being so bitchy to him all the time. Pussy is pussy, it is all the same and I never felt mine was any different. Another reason I believe it was not about pussy was we did not have sex a whole lot and not until a month after dating. Our days together were spent escaping the reality of marriage, marriage's we were not happy with, but we did realize that some day we would have to face that reality and work on the MARRIAGE or agreement we had made w/ our spouses and that agreement was, through good time's and bad. I never expected my married man to leave his wife for good, I knew he would someday go back to her but I was going to have fun while he was there. My aunt and uncle are living proof that married men NEVER actually leave their wives, that they ALWAYS some where some how go back. After cheating on my aunt 23 yrs ago and divorcing my aunt and marrying the woman he cheated on her with..to this day, 23 yrs later he is still with the woman he cheated on my aunt with but who does he go back to?? MY AUNT! He now cheats on his new wife with my AUNT..My aunt who was once the wife is now the other woman..he buys her things and still gives my aunt money.She always tells me he is a DOG but yet she let's him have his cake and eat it too (what all married men who cheat want). Yes my husband and I are back together but we never strayed too far from eachother during the affair I had. I stayed close to my husband because although we were not making it as a married couple, he was still my best friend that I hurt. We are actually doing quite well (with some minor bumps int he road) and yes he is there for me while I am now raising my child that was concieved with the married man. I do really wish the married man happiness, if I did not then I would be drama in his life and be a living hell to him buuuut I do not wish to do that, I just let him be from the minute he decided to leave. It's just the thought of him does pop in my mind alot, I do miss him because we had alot of fun together and it is only natural to have those feeling and thoughts. I wish he was at least my friend still but givin the situation that will never work or happen! I want to say that If I could take it all back I would and not let the affair happen and not let the married man leave his wife from the beginning buuut that would entail me never having my son and I love my son too much to wish that I could take it all back. I do still care about him but I wish him happiness and I just wonder his thoughts of me sometimes. I think it matters so much to me because we were friends so long ago and I still honestly and genuinely care...... Yep and if he was SUCH a good friend to you then why did he dump you right after announcing that you were pregnant? Because he didn't want to be burdened with you anymore. You were his playtoy. His ego was stroked that first month just by knowing he did the 'unmentionable' and was wanted by another. Then it became more for the sex. You were a conquest to him. He had you and no longer wants you. I don't understand how you can't see that. And WHY would you even care what he thinks, if you are trying to work things out with your husband? I can guarantee this type of thinking on your behalf is going to continue to bring negative elements into your marriage. I won't comment on your uncle or aunt's relationship because YOU are the one we are trying to help. It's not wrong to care for someone, but in just the short posts you written on here, it's quite noticable that you still have 'feelings' for this other guy. Having feelings for someone like that and trying to get another relationship (even if it is your marriage) won't work. Plus it's not fair to your husband. Yes my husband and I are back together but we never strayed too far from eachother during the affair I had. Wow. Now I think I heard it all. You were cheating on your husband but you didn't stray to far from him? HELLOOOOOOOO, wake up! You did THEE worse thing you can do to your partner besides kill him. You have destroyed all trust in the relationship. You need to take a few steps back and look at this whole situation on a larger scale. You are blinded in alot of ways. You two truly do need to see a counselor, even if it's for yourself. If you think you can fix this all on your own, good luck. But I can see you have alot of soul searching that you haven't even started to do. KissMyTiara, when you start out a relationship with deceit that usually continues to be a factor as the relationship continues on. It takes quite a bit to make a relationship last, and alot of work. Putting this ontop of all the work that is required to make a marriage last only strains it that much more.
Author StrawberryGirl Posted February 3, 2005 Author Posted February 3, 2005 Yep and if he was SUCH a good friend to you then why did he dump you right after announcing that you were pregnant? Because he didn't want to be burdened with you anymore. You were his playtoy. His ego was stroked that first month just by knowing he did the 'unmentionable' and was wanted by another. Then it became more for the sex. You were a conquest to him. He had you and no longer wants you. I don't understand how you can't see that. I do see that, I clearly see that, I never said I didn't but I don't believe it was all about pu$$y is what I am saying. I do know he was not very sexually driven and actually had some dysfunctions and that is why I believe it was not all for sexual reasons. I believe if it was for sex then he would of did the whole cheating thing behind his wifes back, which is the way most affairs are however his sexual drive was not high enough to be performing for two women. He had already separated from her. As far as not wanting to be burdened by me..you are right I agree with that and to this day my son is a burden to him, that is why he doesn't bother. Well like it or not me and my husband are doing quite well, by saying I didn't stray too far I meant from the friendship we still had so we kept in touch alot and still looked to eachother for advice and so forth. Yes I do still care for the MM but there is no crime in that. I have let go on all aspects of what went on but It is all still a little fresh so I do still think of him but not necessarily am in love with him or want to be with him again. I have realized my mistake's in the whole thing and where I went wrong. I realize he was a jerk and had ill intentions. I feel I was just a way to get back at his wife for whatever reason but I really don't know that for sure. I have tried to shake the thoughts I have to help me move on trust me I am trying to do so! I
jmargel Posted February 3, 2005 Posted February 3, 2005 Yes, but why did you cheat? What problems did you have / still having in your current marriage? That is why I am suggesting counseling, so you two can better communicate with each other.
Author StrawberryGirl Posted February 5, 2005 Author Posted February 5, 2005 I just wonder??? Things between my husband and I have been hard and rocky since we have been back together...but is MM and his wife some miracle couple and all that happened isn't affecting them???? I feel very frustrated because it is funny how I started a forum asking a question but somehow only SYLVIAGUARDIAN replied to the curious question I had.......I feel like I was just scolded by my parent on what people mainly JMARGEL, personally thought I should be doing and "why I cheated" and reared the post in a different direction. Very frustrating.......... I do wish MM happiness, truly I do and I don't spy on him w/ IM he just happens to be on when I am on but we don't talk, I need to remove him from my friends list on IM..........
Mr Spock Posted February 5, 2005 Posted February 5, 2005 Originally posted by michelangelo Um, hello? The very first lines of this thread, and I quote: "k well I am considered a cheater since I was w/ another man who was married (but supposedly separated)...(and got pregnant while w/ him) while my husband I were..." Hey Sparky, Mom-Wife-Cheater isn't the original poster......do you need glasses?
Mr Spock Posted February 5, 2005 Posted February 5, 2005 Why are we classifying her relationship as cheating if she was legally separated? One might classify Jmargel as a narrowminded moron with little life experience, others might classify him as a chauvanist ass while yet others think he's bang on. Mostly I find people ignore him. Now, answer the question-did your relationship separate BECAUSE of this man? Or did that happen afterward. Interested to know.
Author StrawberryGirl Posted February 6, 2005 Author Posted February 6, 2005 Now, answer the question-did your relationship separate BECAUSE of this man? Or did that happen afterward. Interested to know. SPARKY my husband and I had been separated for months when I decided to contact an old boyfriend from highschool, I guess I was scared to go out and meet a stranger so that is why I chose to get in contact with someone I had known before, I was curious about him wondered where he'd been, but I tried to find out beforehand if he was married so that if he was I wouldn't disrespect his marriage, but one of his friends would not tell me anything, so I decided to go ahead and email him and that is where it all began...
Mr Spock Posted February 6, 2005 Posted February 6, 2005 Originally posted by StrawberryGirl SPARKY my husband and I had been separated for months when I decided to contact an old boyfriend from highschool, I guess I was scared to go out and meet a stranger so that is why I chose to get in contact with someone I had known before, I was curious about him wondered where he'd been, but I tried to find out beforehand if he was married so that if he was I wouldn't disrespect his marriage, but one of his friends would not tell me anything, so I decided to go ahead and email him and that is where it all began... Then really, you weren't cheating. (sparky is michelangelo, who's confusing two posters here, and getting mad at both of you) And I myself don't know why Jmargel is jumping down your throat. You're carrying his baby, and it's only natural to be curious still about this man. Who is now connected to you, for the rest of both of your lives. The thing is, do YOU feel your interest in him is hampering relations between your husband? I think you should leave the father and his wife alone to work things out like you're trying to.
Mr Spock Posted February 6, 2005 Posted February 6, 2005 Originally posted by Mr Spock Why are we classifying her relationship as cheating if she was legally separated? One might classify Jmargel as a narrowminded moron with little life experience, others might classify him as a chauvanist ass while yet others think he's bang on. Mostly I find people ignore him. Now, answer the question-did your relationship separate BECAUSE of this man? Or did that happen afterward. Interested to know. And Jmargel, I'm sorry for insulting you. I can't delete it so you'll see it so if you wish to go ahead and call me a baby killing evil whore do so-but post it, don't pm it.
dude x Posted February 6, 2005 Posted February 6, 2005 Well Strawberry your hubby must love you very much to try to work things out with the om's kid. I know if it were me that would've finalized the separation. I agree it's not cheating since you two were separated. I'm not convinced you really want to be back with your hubby. I read your other thread about the married men going back to their wives. I detected some negativity on your part. I bet if she divorced him you would've run away with him. But it seems he didn't really want to be with you. So if she did divorce him and you guys got together, I think that would've been rough. Also I see that if he did not dump you, I don't think you would've gotten back with your hubby. This reminds me of my situation a few years ago with my wife. She said she wanted to date a co-worker and sex would probably be involved, and I needed to move out so she could have her space. Well I didn't say much and started on a month long drinking binge. I felt guilt over the fact that I had a drunken one nighter a couple of years before we were married and felt I could forgive her. At the time she did not know-- I had yet to confess. I just hoped and prayed that she wouldn't fall in love and leave. But the idea of her out seeking this with another man made me cry a lot Luckily the om was more of a prick than I was and they never had sex. Hurray!! It was bad enough just knowing she had been out seeking it, and making out with this guy. I was a complete emotional wreck. But still if she had gotten pregnant-- no way bye bye. Well since confession, she told me that if i did that again, she would be hurt, and she threatened to screw other men. But she admitted that she would be unwilling to divorce me over a one nighter, unless I came home with child or the ow was pregnant. So too with my wife she only has room for a hostile version of forgiveness for a fling, but no room for other kids by other people. So your married ex boyfriend is lucky she took him back. And since she has experienced this before it's probably safe to assume she's hurting pretty bad, unless she's a swinger. You ought to try to imagine sincerely what it would be like for you if your hubby went out and got a girl pregnant. But before this he had messed around with another woman. I think you're either going to be a swinger and get excited by the whole thing, or you're like most folks and will loose control of rational thought because you hurt so bad. It's rather ironic that you say it was not all about the p$$y. You're right we forgot the KOK. He wanted yours and you wanted his. Even though as you say there were many other components and I'm sure there were, the sex is playing a huge role. The child will FOREVER act as a reminder of the sex that did occur. It's the sexual component of your fling that has the most powerful long lasting effects. And the child will keep your married ex boyfriend stopping by to pick up the kid or to hopefully drop off a check. Man I'd want to hurt him, "thanx buddy for getting my wife pregnant, I would've like to have my own child but now its time to fight. En Guarde!" That's just my own jealousy. I bet it is rocky over in your area. For me and I think a lot of othre males would feel this way, the affair is complete and final when the om orgasms in the woman. This is the point where the " betrayed man" proceeds to puke in his socks. And with you guys your hubby will probably think of this every so often. Granted there have been a few fellas here on ls who enjoy their wives doing this, I think they are rare. But it's moment like that when you know they are gone away from you and could not possibly be furthur away. You know when you are rejected. And a woman choosing another man over you really.... I've said enough good night everyone
Sharmaine Posted February 6, 2005 Posted February 6, 2005 Then really, you weren't cheating. My thoughts also. How can one be cheating on a partner, if that couple is seperated? SG, would be very interested in reading your *original* thread (your relationship with exMM from start to finish), if there is one. Direct link would be appreciated. Thanks!!
StillHurtin Posted February 7, 2005 Posted February 7, 2005 Originally posted by Sharmaine My thoughts also. How can one be cheating on a partner, if that couple is seperated? SG, would be very interested in reading your *original* thread (your relationship with exMM from start to finish), if there is one. Direct link would be appreciated. Thanks!! So what you are saying is that if a couple is separted and one, or both sleep w/ another person it's not cheating? Maybe I am the only one but I don't agree w/ that. If a couple is separted and have no plans of ending the M but taking a break by separating to figure out what they want then it is cheating. My H and I were separated when he had his A and I still feel he cheated on me. I feel it was cheating b/c he came back to me and wanted to work on the M. If he were to have slept w/ the OW and never came back to me then I can agree it's not cheating. The whole time we were separated he had doubts about ending the M. My H was still having contact w/ me during our separation and we were still seeing eachother and the OW so he was cheating.
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