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I need to get over her or else I'm going to go crazy [update]

PerenniallyStrong

By PerenniallyStrong
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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PerenniallyStrong New Member

PerenniallyStrong

Posted
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Give it to me rough. The advice, that is. I can take it. I've already destroyed myself enough. Maybe hearing from other people will ring in logic.

 

I'm usually long-winded, but I'm going to make this short and sweet, albeit I could write a book or three on this topic.

 

In a once-great relationship, she cheated. She moved on and I never did. That was back in December 2011. She ensuingly had a baby with somebody else (not the person she cheated with).

 

I never received closure. I've since realized that true closure comes from within, but I haven't found a semblance of it.

 

I'm bitter. But that bitterness is mostly directed towards myself. I despise myself; I hate the fact that I lost her; I hate the fact that I have a nonexistent self-esteem.

 

I've exhausted all options... new hobbies, girlfriends, meditation... either something works for a little while, but I end up thinking about her.

 

I NEED to get over her or else I'm going to go CRAZY! I already am, I reckon, but I'm going to head further into the abyss if I just don't let her go.

 

Advice is much appreciated.

Trovador Established Member

Trovador

Posted
Posted

I guess that telling you that while you are marinating in bitterness she is extremely happy with her family won't do you too much good...

 

The same with telling you that she doesn't care at all about you, to such degree that if you died today of sadness she wouldn't feel anything...

 

But maybe telling you that you must fight for yourself starting today will help you a bit, because you know, some day you will be a fine husband and your future kids deserve for father a man who maybe was once destroyed by a cruel woman but he had the courage to get up and live fully so he could be a stronger man, without the least trace of defeat and cowardice...

lovelogic Member

lovelogic

Posted
Posted

Honestly, you will never forget about her. But that does not mean you can't move on and be happy without her.

 

Understand that you did not do anything wrong. She is the one who cheated. You deserve someone who will love you so much that they wouldn't dream of cheating on you.

 

I'm sorry that you are still feeling this pain. The best advice I can give is to see a professional counselor. They are the best tool you have to work through any emotional distress you have.

 

Good luck on your journey

hoping2heal Established Member

hoping2heal

Posted
Posted

You're right, you have very poor self-esteem.

 

She behaves like a $hit- show and YOU are at fault?!!!

 

I think no.

 

It is clear to me that you think this woman was of value but you have it backwards.

 

She cheated during your "once great relationship" therefore she is not a woman of value (sorry cheaters, you're just not valuable partners), and the person with value is you.

 

Have you tried some type of counseling or therapy for your self-esteem? I don't know if that is the "answer" but it does help some people. There are other ways to work on getting to the root of and addressing your self-esteem problems. Start there.

  • 2 weeks later...
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PerenniallyStrong New Member

PerenniallyStrong

Posted
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Posted

Thanks for the replies. I'd try counseling, but not sure how the cost would be.

 

I just want to get over the bitterness and what could have been had she not cheated.

Strength in Healing Established Member

Strength in Healing

Posted
Posted (edited)

It will come down to forgiveness, brother.

 

Forgiving her. Forgiving yourself.

 

I started to heal some when I said out loud "I forgive you [name]" and "I forgive myself."

 

It didn't happen instantly, I repeated it random times throughout the week until the mentality slowly began solidifying.

 

You have to forgive yourself. Forgiving the other is not about them -- it's about you. Letting go of the weight, the burden.

Edited by Strength in Healing
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  • 4 weeks later...
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PerenniallyStrong New Member

PerenniallyStrong

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It's been a long, difficult journey that's spanned over four years now. It was a once-great, long-term relationship with my ex that ended in the worst of ways by the hands of her betrayal and the excuses she made in the end to justify her actions. She's since moved on and had a baby last year with the new guy. It was a heartbreaking end. I never wanted her to go as there was NO reason to do what she did (she later admitted it being a colossal mistake, said she didn't deserve me, and we both agreed that the trust was gone because of her actions), but I could've never trusted her again, anyway. I never truly got over her and doubt I ever 100% will.

 

I've finally managed to get to a point where the bitterness within me has been mitigated, but I struggle with insecurities... a lot of them. I've allowed her actions to get to me as a person and I'm a shell of the men I used to be. I used to be so confident, but ever since everything 'went down', I feel like a pathetic excuse of a human being, despite how I've faked being otherwise over the last few years.

 

Some practical advice would be nice. Yes, I've dated around, developed new hobbies, I'm now in tip top shape, etc... it's a mindset thing that begins and ends with myself, but I don't know how to steer my head right.

 

And please don't recommend therapy. I would do it, but I don't have any insurance and there are other monetary obligations that are of higher priority right now.

 

I hate feeling this way. All of this negative thinking, the insecurities and sadness... it's no way to live.

 

How do I reclaim myself? Or better yet... reinvent myself from the chains I've self-locked myself to from the clutches of my ex's actions?

giblesp Established Member

giblesp

Posted
Posted

I've been in a similar situation. My ex was sleeping with a man behind my back. I caught them in bed together, she became pregnant by him.

 

For a few years, my self esteem suffered. For some reason I was regularly being approached by women with partners, looking for easy sex. I turned that down as it felt like I had the value to them, of a disposable plastic dildo.

 

Now I look back and realize that I lost nothing. My life is in a better place and my confidence is back. I have a good relationship which though sometimes challenging is solid.

 

But it took a long time and much self work. Lots of reading, hours of fitness, applying myself to what I'm really supposed to be doing on this planet, instead of some job to get by. Now, my ex can no longer cause me pain. It does happen eventually.

  • Like 1
elseaacych Established Member

elseaacych

Posted
Posted

Some practical advice:

You ARE good enough. You have wonderful, amazing qualities that caused someone to FALL IN LOVE with you. Love is an amazing, powerful thing. It exists in all of us, and it is up to us to nurture that love: be it for others, or for ourselves. You can't control how other people fall in love or stay in love, but know that to some extent that it is there in everyone. And when you can't direct your love towards someone, it hurts because you know you have so much to give.

 

It takes two people filled with love to have a relationship. So start working on the one person you can control. You.

 

You have qualities that are amazing and have caused people to fall in love with you. You should not judge your desirability based on whether your ex has moved on to a new person or not, or if you are having trouble "moving on". It is not a failure of yours that the relationship ended because of your ex's poor life choices. They chose to cheat. They knew what they were doing. If you think about it, your ex isn't really any better than any other person out there (maybe a little worse, because they are a cheater) But this isn't about your ex, because your ex has nothing to offer you. This is about you. What do you want from a relationship? Love? Affection? Peace? Security? You offered that in your last relationship, so you know you have it within you to express that.

 

What you have now is a great opportunity, you can take all that love you had for your ex, and be enough for yourself. Right now, that is what you have. You can love yourself for as long as you need to, because when you love yourself, you become stronger. Because when you love yourself, and are self confident, it will draw others to you. Some may even fall in love with you because you exhibit wonderful and amazing qualities that make you who you are, and those qualities make you enough. At that point, you may feel comfortable loving again, and you open yourself up to them.

 

To love is to be vulnerable. To learn to love again, yourself and others after being hurt is to be resilient and strong. You have to want to be that, though, and work at it.

 

Sending you a big hug...

 

You are enough.

  • Like 6
suchamamasboy Member

suchamamasboy

Posted
Posted
It's been a long, difficult journey that's spanned over four years now. It was a once-great, long-term relationship with my ex that ended in the worst of ways by the hands of her betrayal and the excuses she made in the end to justify her actions. She's since moved on and had a baby last year with the new guy. It was a heartbreaking end. I never wanted her to go as there was NO reason to do what she did (she later admitted it being a colossal mistake, said she didn't deserve me, and we both agreed that the trust was gone because of her actions), but I could've never trusted her again, anyway. I never truly got over her and doubt I ever 100% will.

 

I've finally managed to get to a point where the bitterness within me has been mitigated, but I struggle with insecurities... a lot of them. I've allowed her actions to get to me as a person and I'm a shell of the men I used to be. I used to be so confident, but ever since everything 'went down', I feel like a pathetic excuse of a human being, despite how I've faked being otherwise over the last few years.

 

Some practical advice would be nice. Yes, I've dated around, developed new hobbies, I'm now in tip top shape, etc... it's a mindset thing that begins and ends with myself, but I don't know how to steer my head right.

 

And please don't recommend therapy. I would do it, but I don't have any insurance and there are other monetary obligations that are of higher priority right now.

 

I hate feeling this way. All of this negative thinking, the insecurities and sadness... it's no way to live.

 

How do I reclaim myself? Or better yet... reinvent myself from the chains I've self-locked myself to from the clutches of my ex's actions?

 

 

It's going to be hard at first. I'm currently going through a breakup now so I feel the same thing you feel. However, my first breakup was with a guy that I didn't really love (I later realized that since he was my first boyfriend, it hurt a lot when he dumped me because well, he was the first boyfriend haha).

 

He dumped me twice. He dumped me on Christmas Eve, and then took me back on Christmas day. He told me that he just wanted to see how much I cared. He liked to do things like this.

 

He also dumped me for the final time last May. I begged and pleaded but then two months later, I was completely relieved. I didn't love him and I wasn't even sexually attracted to him. The relationship was abusive and I thought it was okay since he was my first boyfriend. I thought all relationships were like this behind closed doors.

 

It took two months for me to realize how bad this relationship was for me because my thoughts were clouded by the idea of rejection. During that time, I went NC. I didn't know it was a thing, I just knew that talking to him was something I didn't want to do.

 

He began to call, email, and text obsessively and although it hurt as first to ignore them, it soon began to be nothing for me to ignore them. It was beyond annoying.

 

Five months after he dumped me, he "accidentally" called me and I told him that I was dating someone else and to never call me again.

 

I had a dream about him shortly after where we got back together and it was a nightmare! I woke up feeling so relieved. The thing is, I didn't think that way in the first two months, I just wanted him back. I felt the same way you did. I thought that I could never move on. I Googled "how to get over ex" multiple times and I didn't think that I ever could. When I read the websites, I thought "How could I ever get over him?! I'll never get over him! He was my everything" and now he's nothing to me.

 

I can't tell you how to reclaim yourself or reinvent yourself because the only thing that helped me was time and NC. Time is the only thing that will help you see your ex for who they really are, and it's the only thing that'll help you know how strong you are.

 

Yeah, it hurts. It's going to hurt for a while. But one day it'll stop hurting. The next guy I dated was way better than my first boyfriend and if he had taken me back when I begged, I wouldn't have found my first true love.

hoping2heal Established Member

hoping2heal

Posted
Posted

Well,

 

This sounds like a trust problem, not an ex problem. Your ex is just the face you can place on the symptoms of the problem. Some people are fortunate enough to have a long span of life where they aren't touched by any profound betrayals which would cause them to lose their trust.

 

It's tough, especially if you feel like you cannot rely on your own instincts. That is one of the difficult things that broken trust does to you. People will tell you "just trust your gut!" not so easy when your "sense of direction" becomes broken. You might be suspicious when you have no reason to be, or blind to the obvious when you need to be alert.

 

OP, what kind of relationships do you have with other people in your life? You mentioned dating around, what happened there?

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PerenniallyStrong New Member

PerenniallyStrong

Posted
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Posted (edited)

Great advice, everyone. Thanks!

 

I can't tell you how to reclaim yourself or reinvent yourself because the only thing that helped me was time and NC. Time is the only thing that will help you see your ex for who they really are, and it's the only thing that'll help you know how strong you are.

 

Yeah, it hurts. It's going to hurt for a while. But one day it'll stop hurting. The next guy I dated was way better than my first boyfriend and if he had taken me back when I begged, I wouldn't have found my first true love.

I've never quite believed in the "time heals all wounds" shtick. I haven't spoken a word to my ex since April 23, 2012. I don't look her up nor do I look at old pics of her from the good times. I guess maybe it's normal for most people to get over their exes in a timely manner, but it's been over two years since we've talked, and longer than that since the breakup, and pain exists.

 

Maybe I'm cut from a different cloth, but I doubt it. I just never wanted the relationship to end. She should have never lied or cheated. The reason behind it had nothing to do with our relationship but had everything to do with her selfishness, and yet the insecurities and low self-esteem that's evolved from all of that has debilitated me.

 

By the way, @everybody, she didn't have a baby with the guy she cheated with. She had a baby with the guy after that, that she's apparently *engaged* to, albeit at one point she went behind his back and talked to me on Skype while wearing skimpy clothing and showing off her brand new pink panties and telling me how she wanted to 'be with me'....

 

OP, what kind of relationships do you have with other people in your life? You mentioned dating around, what happened there?

With other people, non-dating wise? All good.

 

Dating-wise, the first girl I was with sexually post-ex, I excused myself to the bathroom and ALMOST threw up because I still missed my ex. I stayed with this girl for 10 months in a fun relationship. She had her own baggage (just like me). She had some hardcore princess complex going on from being given everything in her life, and she also had some eating disorder issues from her younger days of wanting to be a dancer.

 

It didn't bother me at all when that relationship ended. I cared for her, but the passion/intensity was nonexistent.

 

The next girl I was with for the better part of this year. She was too needy and clingy. Her jealousy drove me insane. And ending it was very difficult to do, because I knew she'd fight the decision and try to "compromise" but her own brand of low self esteem (while I've done well all this time at hiding mine in the forefront) was so extremely unattractive to me. I couldn't take it nor handle it. I was so turned off by her neediness and clinginess that I had to end things. Nice girl, but as a guy that loves -- loves so much! -- his alone time, I was going crazy.

 

I'd give anything in the world to go back to 2008 and 2009.

Edited by PerenniallyStrong
jbelle6 Established Member

jbelle6

Posted
Posted

"By the way, @everybody, she didn't have a baby with the guy she cheated with. She had a baby with the guy after that, that she's apparently *engaged* to, albeit at one point she went behind his back and talked to me on Skype while wearing skimpy clothing and showing off her brand new pink panties and telling me how she wanted to 'be with me'...."

 

 

You're sorry you lost that?

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PerenniallyStrong New Member

PerenniallyStrong

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Posted (edited)
"By the way, @everybody, she didn't have a baby with the guy she cheated with. She had a baby with the guy after that, that she's apparently *engaged* to, albeit at one point she went behind his back and talked to me on Skype while wearing skimpy clothing and showing off her brand new pink panties and telling me how she wanted to 'be with me'...."

 

 

You're sorry you lost that?

The person she was in 2008-2009, yes.

 

The person from 2010-2012 (and whoever she's 'been' since)? Nope.

 

I'm going to take a moment to sound outrageously shallow, but I'd rather be honestly shallow than facetiously modest: it would have been a lot easier to get over her if, physically, she wasn't the most beautiful human being I've ever seen in my entire life. And before she changed -- and before all the BS began -- she was just as so in her character/personality (2008 and 2009. But again, that all changed and **** hit the fan.

 

The resulting low confidence/low self-esteem and insecurities stem from how, in the end, she thought so little of what we'd taken all that time (years) to build that she was willing to toss it away as if it were nothing.

Edited by PerenniallyStrong
elseaacych Established Member

elseaacych

Posted
Posted

You can't go back to 2008-2009.

 

People do not just change over night. Very likely, you are still seeing her on her pedestal. If you look back to the times in the relationship that "merely annoyed" you then, you will see that those behaviors are very similiar, if not the same as the one's she's exhibited in the past few years, where you grew to love her, but weren't in love with her, so to say.

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PerenniallyStrong New Member

PerenniallyStrong

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Posted
You can't go back to 2008-2009.

 

People do not just change over night. Very likely, you are still seeing her on her pedestal. If you look back to the times in the relationship that "merely annoyed" you then, you will see that those behaviors are very similiar, if not the same as the one's she's exhibited in the past few years, where you grew to love her, but weren't in love with her, so to say.

Good point. I think about the good times (as a coping mechanism? Torturing-to-oneself method?) far more than I should.

 

You are also right about her changing over time. Looking back, it's as if I'm watching a movie in slow motion in my mind, but when it was happening, everything was occurring so fast, and it was a confusing and underwhelming time.

LostOnes05 Established Member

LostOnes05

Posted
Posted

I actually went through something very similar around this same time. My grandma had just died, then a cousin, and then another cousin. I addition, my father was sick and all my ex wanted to do was party. Needless to say she cheated on me (after 5 yrs) at one of the lowest points in my life and dumped me at the airport (a real winner there). Anyway, I know how you feel.

 

I think what helped me was having a very close friend that I literally talked to every day about how I felt and the way I could cope with the situation. I began going to the gym again regularly to vent my frustrations, and hanging out with different people on the weekends. Although it did hurt for a long time, I realized that I deserve much better than the way I was treated and so will you. But the key thing is to be active in your journey to move on. Don't sit around and dwell on the relationship, understanding that you were not at fault for her cheating.

 

You sound very similar to me in that you expect to be treated how you treat others. However, that is not how everyone sees things. Some people only think about "me" even when they are in "we" situations. Now is the time for you to be a "me" and focus on what you want and don't want in your next relationship. Good Luck!

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