deni9 Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 (edited) I will try to make this short, I've dated a guy for almost 4years now and last year I found out that he has been going on CL and trying to find hook ups with women and transsexuals. He deceived me and made me believe a lie. We eventually broke up, and that's when I found out that he was basically cheating on me the whole damn time. He sure fooled me. Well, six months later we talked again and yes, I got back with him.... I wanted to work things out so bad that I moved in with him, which of course bad idea because I ended up getting drunk and moved back home. He knows that I know, he has admitted on his wrong doing and really try doing right. I really want to believe him but I don't, when I moved with him I found out he was on match.com trying to talk to women. I of course confronted him and he denied it then admitted it, but I stayed. I guess a couple days ago, everything just took it's toll. I was tired of lying to myself that everything was ok. My trust isn't there and I hate stressing out what he really is doing. He is my best friend.... My only friend, so it makes it that much harder. I told him that I couldn't do it anymore and that I was done. I really wanted to believe him and work all this but I just can't seem to get over all the damage he has caused me, all the lies and deceit scarred me bad. I love him so much. I really do.... I would do anything for him but I can't keep suffering. But i wonder if you can trust a person again... I believe so but I know it will never be the same. I now have very low self esteem issues... I'm taking antidepressants. Was going to therapy but stopped due to money issues. All I have is this website. So if any women or men are going through the same thing please write on the form. I need hope, encouragement, just someone to talk to. I hate craigslist so much and I hate women that are so easy to give into guys. Vise versa.. I hate cheaters so much. I'm trying my all to move forward and not to break and become a heartless B****... Edited April 17, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
KaliLove Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 Yeah..my ex posted on Craigslist too. He never met up with anyone but it still hurt like hell. I can definitely commiserate. No, you will likely never be able to trust him. You really need to move on. PLEASE tell me you've been tested for every single STD out there (they don't do certain tests unless you ask).
Zahara Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 He is my best friend.... My only friend, so it makes it that much harder. Kick this out of your head. You have a toxic attachment to him. Don't mistake that for him being your best friend. Best friends don't treat their friends that way. Best friends don't cheat and lie. Get that mess out of your head. He's not your friend. If you are asking if you can trust him again, I would ask you to take that mess out of your head as well. He is a serial cheater. It sounds that there are even deeper issues with him. There is no worth in trusting a person again but having to look over your shoulder through the days of your life -- because you will always be insecure with someone that like that and you will never be able to trust in the true sense of the word. And why would you ever want to go back to someone that has treated you this way? That's your low self-esteem clinging on to what you've been conditioned to accept. Work on rebuilding yourself and finding your worth. Being involved with someone like this is poison to you. 2
mtnbiker3000 Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 He obviously has serious issues, but so do you. You need to forget about him and start working on why you made the original post above, because that has DISORDER written all over it... 4
KaliLove Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 He obviously has serious issues, but so do you. You need to forget about him and start working on why you made the original post above, because that has DISORDER written all over it... I have to agree with this. It sounds like you have some psychological issues that you need to deal with before you should think about being in another relationship OP. This is not an insult so please don't take it that way. I just want you to get the help you need. I'm glad you're here but I think you should look into state funded psychiatric help. This guy is not your friend. He's not your boyfriend. He's a guy who did some really sh*tty things to you and should be kicked the eff out of your life. 1
Jiivy Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 I'd chime in with these guys and suggest that there's perhaps something more sinister inside of this man that you were lead to believe. Something fundamentally broken... We care about those that we love, even when we know we shouldn't - just don't let this guy take you down. I promise you that you are NOT alone here on this forum. There are many people here with broken relationships, deceitful ex's and disordered histories. Stay together with us please, we are here and we are hurting too.
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 How long are u going to let him make u feel like this? I would not normally be harsh but I will tell u something... u either get rid of him ASAP FOR GOOD or u will end up so screwed up that u will NEVER be able to have a healthy relationship again as he will damage u beyond the point of ever being able to trust again... he will take your self esteem (maybe why u dont have friends?), your confidence and he will screw with your head so much that and he will break you... Your choice... are u going to be a victim or a winner? x U walk away now, yes it will hurt but u will come out the winner.. he will soon find a new 'victim'... u meanwhile will be living the life u deserve with someone that genuinely cares about u... leave it any longer and u are going to be screwed up for the rest of your life simple as x 1
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 Ps take comfort from the fact that u wanted to see the best in him... that makes u a genuinely nice person.. 1000% better than him x
flightplan Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 How long are u going to let him make u feel like this? With all due respect, this guy is NOT making her feel like this. SHE is making her feel like this. SHE is making the choice to stay and suffer the consequences. Life is full of choices, and because she chooses to stay, she subjects herself to this kind of environment. She is not, and has never been, a victim. We all have the natural, God given power and free will to act, feel, choose, etc... Someone who loves who they are would not put up with this and would remove themselves from that environment. But then again, someone who had high self esteem would never have found them-self in this position. 1
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 With all due respect, this guy is NOT making her feel like this. SHE is making her feel like this. SHE is making the choice to stay and suffer the consequences. Life is full of choices, and because she chooses to stay, she subjects herself to this kind of environment. She is not, and has never been, a victim. We all have the natural, God given power and free will to act, feel, choose, etc... Someone who loves who they are would not put up with this and would remove themselves from that environment. But then again, someone who had high self esteem would never have found them-self in this position. Yea, you are right she is making her own choices but people like this are not mentally right and they screw with your mind so much they make u doubt your own sanity... Ive seem the most confident of people have the stuffing ripped out of them by these sorts of people. She is a victim... she is the victim of mental abuse x 1
Raena Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 With all due respect, this guy is NOT making her feel like this. SHE is making her feel like this. SHE is making the choice to stay and suffer the consequences. Life is full of choices, and because she chooses to stay, she subjects herself to this kind of environment. She is not, and has never been, a victim. We all have the natural, God given power and free will to act, feel, choose, etc... Someone who loves who they are would not put up with this and would remove themselves from that environment. But then again, someone who had high self esteem would never have found them-self in this position. This is a bit harsh statement to the OP in the state that she's in. She's really not ready to hear that just yet. That's something that comes down the line AFTER she gets away from him and can then look back and realize what her role was in all of this. Please don't tell her she's NOT a victim because she is. She's a victim of low self-esteem, a fact you rubbed her nose in... and she IS his victim. He's cut her off from her support systems, he's her only friend, which means she has no one else to lean on. This is classic abusive behavior. OP... please get away from this man. He isn't going to change. People don't really change that much from their base instincts and his seems to be to cheat and lie and then convince you he isn't going to do it again. You know that he has cheated and lied, he currently cheats and lies and will do it again if you go back to him. He'll probably do it again to the next girl too but that won't be YOU because you are going to leave him so fast his head will be spinning. Go back home or move somewhere else, cut him off, don't respond when he calls/texts/emails, change your phone number if you have to. Keep this no contact up for as long as you need to. While you are doing that, improve yourself. Do things that make you feel good, seek out other females and make friends. Find something to keep you busy. STOP DRINKING!! Seriously, it is doing you NO good to drink at this stage. Come here and read and post when you need to... but mostly, find yourself a good friend. You really need one right now, preferably someone who gets what you are going through and can help you through it. If you can't, then come here and post. There are plenty of people who will guide you through how to handle walking away from him. If you can, find free individual counseling. It will do you a world of good to talk to a professional about all of this. I found journaling to be very helpful. I also read books on break ups and how to handle them. They helped tremendously. You really need to get to the bottom of why you feel that this scumbag is so important to you that you give up on your own self-worth to be with him. He is a scumbag you know, and any other number of names that you probably aren't ready to call him yet. You CAN do this! I promise! It won't be easy, but you can do it. 1
flightplan Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 This is a bit harsh statement to the OP in the state that she's in. She's really not ready to hear that just yet. That's something that comes down the line AFTER she gets away from him and can then look back and realize what her role was in all of this. Please don't tell her she's NOT a victim because she is. She's a victim of low self-esteem, a fact you rubbed her nose in... and she IS his victim. He's cut her off from her support systems, he's her only friend, which means she has no one else to lean on. This is classic abusive behavior. OP... please get away from this man. He isn't going to change. People don't really change that much from their base instincts and his seems to be to cheat and lie and then convince you he isn't going to do it again. You know that he has cheated and lied, he currently cheats and lies and will do it again if you go back to him. He'll probably do it again to the next girl too but that won't be YOU because you are going to leave him so fast his head will be spinning. Go back home or move somewhere else, cut him off, don't respond when he calls/texts/emails, change your phone number if you have to. Keep this no contact up for as long as you need to. While you are doing that, improve yourself. Do things that make you feel good, seek out other females and make friends. Find something to keep you busy. STOP DRINKING!! Seriously, it is doing you NO good to drink at this stage. Come here and read and post when you need to... but mostly, find yourself a good friend. You really need one right now, preferably someone who gets what you are going through and can help you through it. If you can't, then come here and post. There are plenty of people who will guide you through how to handle walking away from him. If you can, find free individual counseling. It will do you a world of good to talk to a professional about all of this. I found journaling to be very helpful. I also read books on break ups and how to handle them. They helped tremendously. You really need to get to the bottom of why you feel that this scumbag is so important to you that you give up on your own self-worth to be with him. He is a scumbag you know, and any other number of names that you probably aren't ready to call him yet. You CAN do this! I promise! It won't be easy, but you can do it. And you know this how? I'm not going to argue with you about this, but I will just say, it's much like an addiction. Yeah, it's tough love, and I'm not going to sugar coat it. It is what it is and if you want to do something about it.. hit it hard. Get a reality check... not coddle your way through it. Maybe I'm a hard ass, but I've been there and back and if it were me, I want to hear it like it is. And NO, she is NOT a victim except to the choices she's made, that we all make in life. No one has control over us unless we allow it. We'll agree to disagree.
Author deni9 Posted April 17, 2014 Author Posted April 17, 2014 (edited) I agree with all of you! I know I choose this path but it's not as easy as you all think to just move on. I'm scarred. I choose this path because apart of me believed people can change. I fell in love with a person and stood by a person that I knew was damage because I had to much hope when only I was causing damage to myself. I now realize that, before I didn't. I'm realizing things I didn't before. I do need to continue going to therapy. To speak what I'm feeling. I am not a victim. But I didn't choose to be hurt in such ways. I just believed or wanted to believe something that I wanted to be true. It happens when you deeply fell in love with someone. You become vulnerable to them In every way. Of course I'm only 21. Not that experience. He was my first love. The one I gave it my all. But I will tell you all that I will move forward. I might be broken but My faith is still there. Therefore, I'm holding on to that and not letting go. Day by day I know I will struggle but over time I will be heal and get my act straight and build that esteem back and be stronger than ever. Thank you All for your bluntness and taking the time to leave a comment. I appreciate it very much. Edited April 17, 2014 by deni9
flightplan Posted April 17, 2014 Posted April 17, 2014 deni.. you have a great attitude, your taking this head on and taking responsibility for your choices. Consider your ex a teacher and learn from it. Recovering from something like this is like eating an elephant... one bite at a time. It'll take work and time, but based on your comment, I don't have any doubt, you'll come out of this stronger and with a greater sense of self worth. Hang in there and good luck! 1
Candy_Pants Posted April 17, 2014 Posted April 17, 2014 People can change, but only if they truly want to. Your bf has shown you, time and time again, that he's not going to change. I'm married to a verbally abusive man. I had to go across the country to get away from him. He was certain I wasn't coming back, and he STILL began going to therapy 5 days a week. Because HE wanted to change, and knew what he was doing was wrong. The only way you will know if he's truly remorseful and wants to change for himself (not you) is to leave him. You said you were 21, is this the life you want? Being exposed to STDs, being lied to, cheated on, and walked all over?? I wish you all the strength and happiness the world has to offer. And that you'll find the love you so desperately desire. And that you realize that love has to start within you. To love and respect yourself enough to get out of there.
Raena Posted April 17, 2014 Posted April 17, 2014 And you know this how? I'm not going to argue with you about this, but I will just say, it's much like an addiction. Yeah, it's tough love, and I'm not going to sugar coat it. It is what it is and if you want to do something about it.. hit it hard. Get a reality check... not coddle your way through it. Maybe I'm a hard ass, but I've been there and back and if it were me, I want to hear it like it is. And NO, she is NOT a victim except to the choices she's made, that we all make in life. No one has control over us unless we allow it. We'll agree to disagree. I know this because I went through it myself and unlike you this approach would not have worked for me. Only Deni knows what will work for her... the best you and I and the rest of LS posters can do is share how we worked through it with her and let her decide how to handle it, guiding the best we can.
Raena Posted April 17, 2014 Posted April 17, 2014 I agree with all of you! I know I choose this path but it's not as easy as you all think to just move on. I'm scarred. I choose this path because apart of me believed people can change. I fell in love with a person and stood by a person that I knew was damage because I had to much hope when only I was causing damage to myself. I now realize that, before I didn't. I'm realizing things I didn't before. I do need to continue going to therapy. To speak what I'm feeling. I am not a victim. But I didn't choose to be hurt in such ways. I just believed or wanted to believe something that I wanted to be true. It happens when you deeply fell in love with someone. You become vulnerable to them In every way. Of course I'm only 21. Not that experience. He was my first love. The one I gave it my all. But I will tell you all that I will move forward. I might be broken but My faith is still there. Therefore, I'm holding on to that and not letting go. Day by day I know I will struggle but over time I will be heal and get my act straight and build that esteem back and be stronger than ever. Thank you All for your bluntness and taking the time to leave a comment. I appreciate it very much. No one said it was going to be easy I wish I could say that... but it isn't. Just take one step at a time and eventually you'll look back and be proud of what you accomplished.
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