george roy Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 Hi all, Short version, divorcing STBXW. We share custody, the kids have their time with me and her. I'm a stay-at-home dad. When the kids are not with me, I find myself getting a bit bummed out. And I get a bit depressed. I've gone out with friends (couples), or even by myself. But most of my social circles are commingled with the ex. So as much as I like to hang out with those people, I also feel I need to carve my own niche. A friend turned me on to a couple of social dating sites. In my profile, as well as in each response I've received, I explain that I'm in the process of a divorce, and that my children come first. While I have it worded much more eloquently on the profile, if a woman can't understand that my children come first, then we're not gonna work. I think I've made my goals are crystal clear. For what it's worth, a female friend has critiqued my profile and also said that there seems to be no misunderstanding in regards to that. After responses from a few different women, I have a date lined up for Friday night. Now, I've been out of the 'game' for well over ten years. With the advent of the internet, it seems that things are more 'streamlined'. as far as the preliminary 'get to know you' kinds of things. What's changed in the past ten years ? How different is now vs then ? Are there things that the man is still supposed to do ? Or NOT do ? Simply put, what can a forty-something year old man expect from today's dating scene ? Any thoughts, input, and advice are greatly appreciated...
GorillaTheater Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 I'm no dating guru (still married), but I can almost guarantee that success or the lack thereof will to a large extent hinge on whether you have a job. Fair or unfair doesn't matter, that's just the fact as I see it. Do you have one or have decent prospects for one? 1
Mascara Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 Agree with the above, I'd also add that saying your kids come first is mostly unnecessary beyond a simple "I share custody of my children and am seeking someone who understands what this entails". Prospective partners aren't ignorant, and going on about it in a more intense way can come across as defensive. It was a pet dislike of mine, whether its a mum or a dad saying it. It should more or less go without saying.
Mrin Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 Agree with both above. Also stuff you will figure out: 1. OLD (Online Dating) can be like an ATM for first dates 2. Don't get too emotionally invested with anyone quickly First, you are just getting back in the game so the first couple of women you date will not turn into LTR's and that is okay. Enjoy them though. 3. Because getting dates is so easy with OLD, expect women to flake out on you in the first date or two and don't take it personally. 4. Text is your friend. And your enemy. Learn how to use it correctly and the power of an actual phone call. One more. As a 40something dude with kids - beware the late 30's woman without kids. If you don't want anymore make sure you are really upfront with her and don't waste her time.
RonaldS Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 I've followed your story in the divorce forum. Dating, at your stage, honestly should just be about trying to have fun and maybe getting laid here and there. Don't try to fix a problem by putting a Band-Aid over it. Go through your process, don't take dating seriously until everything is flushed out. And dating while separated/divorcing is often more of a headache than anything. Women will for sure fall for you, but in all likelihood, you won't fall for them. Make sure they know up front that you're not looking for anything serious. That being said, it can be fun. If you're in an area with a lot of women, you can meet a lot of great people, have some good times, eff around a little, etc. Regarding dating sites....do what I do. Just go on Tinder. Don't screw around with OKCupid, PoF, Match, etc....anything where you have a profile with a bunch of content is bad news. Chances are, most of the women you'll meet want something very different from what you want. Plus, those sites have a pathetically low ROI for men. Just go on Tinder and have fun. 1
Author george roy Posted April 16, 2014 Author Posted April 16, 2014 I'm no dating guru (still married), but I can almost guarantee that success or the lack thereof will to a large extent hinge on whether you have a job. Fair or unfair doesn't matter, that's just the fact as I see it. Do you have one or have decent prospects for one? Thanks, GorillaTheater, I'm financially secure, but will get back to working once the D is final. I'm taking time off at the moment, mostly due to a WAW (Walk Away Wife).
Author george roy Posted April 16, 2014 Author Posted April 16, 2014 Agree with the above, I'd also add that saying your kids come first is mostly unnecessary beyond a simple "I share custody of my children and am seeking someone who understands what this entails". Prospective partners aren't ignorant, and going on about it in a more intense way can come across as defensive. It was a pet dislike of mine, whether its a mum or a dad saying it. It should more or less go without saying. Thanks, Mascara, If the subject is broached in conversations, I can maybe delve into a few more specifics about it. Even relay a story or two about WAW and her time the kids that sort of clarifies, without being standoffish or confrontational, exactly what my job as the full time parent entails. ^^ Hope that made sense ^^
GorillaTheater Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 I'm financially secure, but will get back to working once the D is final. Dating aside, I can see how that would be a smart move from a divorce perspective. But I'm the guy who approaches divorce like a military campaign.
Author george roy Posted April 16, 2014 Author Posted April 16, 2014 Agree with both above. Also stuff you will figure out: 1. OLD (Online Dating) can be like an ATM for first dates 2. Don't get too emotionally invested with anyone quickly First, you are just getting back in the game so the first couple of women you date will not turn into LTR's and that is okay. Enjoy them though. 3. Because getting dates is so easy with OLD, expect women to flake out on you in the first date or two and don't take it personally. 4. Text is your friend. And your enemy. Learn how to use it correctly and the power of an actual phone call. One more. As a 40something dude with kids - beware the late 30's woman without kids. If you don't want anymore make sure you are really upfront with her and don't waste her time. Thanks, Mrin, This is about what I'm thinking, especially #2. Not gonna wear my heart on my sleeve, just kinda getting my 'feet wet', so to speak...
Author george roy Posted April 16, 2014 Author Posted April 16, 2014 (edited) I've followed your story in the divorce forum. Dating, at your stage, honestly should just be about trying to have fun and maybe getting laid here and there. Don't try to fix a problem by putting a Band-Aid over it. Go through your process, don't take dating seriously until everything is flushed out. And dating while separated/divorcing is often more of a headache than anything. Women will for sure fall for you, but in all likelihood, you won't fall for them. Make sure they know up front that you're not looking for anything serious. That being said, it can be fun. If you're in an area with a lot of women, you can meet a lot of great people, have some good times, eff around a little, etc. Regarding dating sites....do what I do. Just go on Tinder. Don't screw around with OKCupid, PoF, Match, etc....anything where you have a profile with a bunch of content is bad news. Chances are, most of the women you'll meet want something very different from what you want. Plus, those sites have a pathetically low ROI for men. Just go on Tinder and have fun. This is just about my thoughts. Nothing serious. More to open up my social circles than anything. But after all's said and done, the kids come first. Edit: I Googled Tinder, and it seems they tie Tinder to your FB profile. Not sure if I'm ready to do that yet. Edited April 16, 2014 by george roy
soccerrprp Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 Oh, for pete's sakes, if you're considering Tinder, than do OLD. Put a profile up with POF, OKCupid, etc. Tinder is not an improvement to other OLD sites. Plenty of people have and have had success with OLD. I'm seriously dating a woman I met through one of them. I've only OLDed. Just be honest about not wanting anything serious as many people who do OLD do want something serious.
Mrin Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 Edit: I Googled Tinder, and it seems they tie Tinder to your FB profile. Not sure if I'm ready to do that yet. Naw, don't worry about that. People on Tinder can't see your FB profile and vice versa - FB friends can't tell you're on Tinder. The main thing it is used for is: 1. to make sure your relationship status is single 2. it uses your first name and age 3. it uses pics you have in your FB profile. You can pick and choose which ones to use Edit: or just set up a second FB account. See here: http://www.tinderseduction.com/tinder-profile-setup/
RonaldS Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 Oh, for pete's sakes, if you're considering Tinder, than do OLD. Put a profile up with POF, OKCupid, etc. Tinder is not an improvement to other OLD sites. I disagree with this 1,855,799%....maybe even more. Tinder is so many light years ahead of OKC, PoF et al that it's not even funny.
RonaldS Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 Edit: I Googled Tinder, and it seems they tie Tinder to your FB profile. Not sure if I'm ready to do that yet. Nothing shows up on FB. What it does is shows you shared interests and mutual friends. Most of the women I met on other OLD were, ummmm....yeah. Tinder? Much better.
soccerrprp Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 I disagree with this 1,855,799%....maybe even more. Tinder is so many light years ahead of OKC, PoF et al that it's not even funny. In what way? I hear that it's a hook-up app. In what way is it better?
RonaldS Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 In what way? I hear that it's a hook-up app. In what way is it better? It's not a 'hook up app'. It's a meeting app. If you meet and then end up hooking up, I guess that can't be helped. There are a number of ways it's better. First and foremost, because mutual interest has to be established before any communication can occur, women aren't bombarded by millions of messages by creeps. So, there are FAR MORE attractive women on Tinder. As in, many orders of magnitude. Secondly, there's no profile to create and maintain. Just put up some pics and maybe a clever tagline. OLD suffers from the malady of TMI. Tinder is concise. Lastly, a match indicates MUTUAL interest. That's the biggie. You're not wasting your time messaging women who have no interest in you. It's efficient, easy and productive.
RonaldS Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 (edited) Here's how it's better: https://www.dropbox.com/s/3bo0yjdklftqwp4/2014-04-16%2011.42.53.png So, I have 570 matches since late October. That's not including the probably additional 150-200 matches I've had who have since deleted their accounts. So let's say 750-800 total. And these are all women I would go out with, all within 25 miles of me. All have mutual interest. Even if you had an awesome profile on every other OLD site at the same time, combined, you still wouldn't come close to even sniffing those numbers. And, the women you did match with, on average, wouldn't be nearly as attractive. Edited April 16, 2014 by RonaldS
soccerrprp Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 Sorry RonaldS, it doesn't sound like it's better intrinsically. 570 matches since October. Not including 150-200 deleted accounts? 750-800 total!!!! Tinder sounds like CRAZINESS at a different level. Okay, it's a meetup app, so how many of these 800!!! have you met? How old is the average age of the users would you say?
RonaldS Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 Sorry RonaldS, it doesn't sound like it's better intrinsically. 570 matches since October. Not including 150-200 deleted accounts? 750-800 total!!!! Tinder sounds like CRAZINESS at a different level. Okay, it's a meetup app, so how many of these 800!!! have you met? How old is the average age of the users would you say? #s = options. ^#s = more options. More options with more attractive women = better, intrinsically or extrinsically. Average age is probably 29 (I'm 39). I don't know how many women I've met from it....maybe 10 total. But I'm a weird Tinder user. To me, it's just too easy, so I impose limitations on myself. I won't message a woman first...just won't. And then, of the women who message me first, there has to be something that really sets them apart before I will message back. And then, among those, maybe meet up with 1 out of 10? If I wanted to, I could have a date every night. When I was in Florida, I was there for 5 days, and went out with 3 women. All there were very pretty, intelligent and successful. But I was being proactive down there. It could get crazy if you wanted it to. For me, it's more like a date savings account. If for some reason I get bored or there's some compelling reason to, I can just dip into my savings a little. And of the women I've met, you know, things have happened but I don't want to be in a relationship, but I'm still friends ('friends') with them, so something meaningful has come out of it.
ktya Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 What's changed in the past ten years ? How different is now vs then ? Well my man it is very very different. I broke out of a 9 year relationship in 2008 and boy had a lot changed For one everything is much faster. Get a smartphone with an unlimited texting plan ASAP these days you cant date without it. Youll find that people dont date as seriously anymore. Sure some ladies want a serious relationship but with the internet they have choice supreme so come to expect a lot of flaking out, long periods where you dont hear from the girl. Dont expect the daily phone call. Also you need to move much faster. Again because of the internet women have so much choice you have to make a move. Women I find these days wont sit around waiting for your call, oftentimes when they are waiting they will be messaging/texting a bunch of other guys. You need to make your move early on to show your interested. You also have to keep them very engaged. Dating women these days is almost like dating someone with severe ADHD. Its almost like if they dont have an engaging conversation with you for a few days they can either forget you exist. Hence, smartphone and texting plan. I made mention in another post that doing online dating the guy's bozo error was not kissing at the end of the first date. I made that clownshoes error a bunch when I was thrust into the dating scene after all that time and ended up having great first dates that, by 9am the next day the woman had lost all interest (even despite saying how much of a good time they had and how we should do it again the night before). Definitely move in for the kill at the end of the first date if at all possible. Some on here say they wait... I would not recommend it at all and I get great luck when I do first dates usually in the sack that night or on the 2nd. Its a brave new world my man. Operative word is FASTER. Compared to the era where not everyone had a cellphone and text messages were only for pagers everything moves with a speed that takes quite a bit of getting used to. Be careful for crazies. They are easier to find and more easily disguised in the noise. If you've been in a relationship for 10 years and dating for the first time be sure to hold off any big decisions and to remember that all that glitters is not gold. Multi dating is way more acceptable these days than in the past too. Have fun!
Jethro Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 Agreed on the goodnight kiss. If there is anything going on there at all chemistry-wise, make SURE to kiss goodnight. Absolute worst mistake you can make not to go in for the goodnight kiss.
BradJacobs Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 In what way? I hear that it's a hook-up app. In what way is it better? I'm incredibly pro-Tinder. It's fast, it cuts out the bs and it gets results. It can be whatever you want it to be. The girl I am dating now was not on there for hook ups.
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