Chocolat Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 This is were people get confused I believe "dating" is the stage before a relationship is formed at a year the op was past the "dating" stage with this women imo anyways.. In the OP, he said: Short story- my ex and I broke up a year ago due to me leaving the state for 8 months work and not wanting to do long distance but now I'm back and we continue to talk and somewhat casually date Then later he said: A year and a half knowing each other, but just about a year of dating since i was gone for 8 months. So I'm hearing 6 months of dating, followed by an 8 month break-up, followed by 4 months of casual dating = 1 1/2 years knowing each other. A relationship that breaks up due to a temporary situation (in this case, work) because one or both partners don't want do a LDR suggests that the R was not that strong to begin with. Now they are tentatively back together, but only dating casually, while the OP evaluates whether he wants to form a committed R with this woman. I see nothing wrong with his actions. 3
atlg8r Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 I think its kind of ludacris to blame one for their family's actions she could be an amazing person with a heartless uncaring family so because the family is not right one would judge a partner on this? how silly. That is like saying life is suppose to be a fairy tale right from the get go that's just not living in reality im sorry. Its vitally important the child be in a loving and supportive home what happens in the extended family is extra imo.I didn't even know my grandparents and I turned out a normal member of sociality imagen that..lol I think unless you both agree you're not going to see the in-laws much or they won't take part in raising your child that it's very important, and yes, I would (and have) judged a potential mate on that matter. I would NEVER have wanted my ex's parents to care for my child because we had fundamentally different ideas on parenting. They coddled their children and as a result both my ex and his sister were completely incapable of taking care of themselves, even in their late 20s and early 30s. He on the other hand was extremely close and called them all the time for advice, etc. In your case, since you never saw your grandparents, that's fine. But for me, in-laws that will be around and involved in your life MUST be compatible at least on a very basic level. 1
TigerLilly78 Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 In the OP, he said: Then later he said: So I'm hearing 6 months of dating, followed by an 8 month break-up, followed by 4 months of casual dating = 1 1/2 years knowing each other. A relationship that breaks up due to a temporary situation (in this case, work) because one or both partners don't want do a LDR suggests that the R was not that strong to begin with. Now they are tentatively back together, but only dating casually, while the OP evaluates whether he wants to form a committed R with this woman. I see nothing wrong with his actions. This is all from his view point of course we cant know how she feels about this "dating" situation...from the sounds of it she has stronger feeling then he dose so I doubt she sees things as casually..
Chocolat Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 This is all from his view point of course we cant know how she feels about this "dating" situation...from the sounds of it she has stronger feeling then he dose so I doubt she sees things as casually.. Sure. But even if it's been 4 months of not-so-casual dating, we're still talking about 4 months. After an 8-month break-up. So unless she is in denial, she also knows that the R is not rock solid. He's evaluating and so should she be. 1
TigerLilly78 Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 I think unless you both agree you're not going to see the in-laws much or they won't take part in raising your child that it's very important, and yes, I would (and have) judged a potential mate on that matter. I would NEVER have wanted my ex's parents to care for my child because we had fundamentally different ideas on parenting. They coddled their children and as a result both my ex and his sister were completely incapable of taking care of themselves, even in their late 20s and early 30s. He on the other hand was extremely close and called them all the time for advice, etc. In your case, since you never saw your grandparents, that's fine. But for me, in-laws that will be around and involved in your life MUST be compatible at least on a very basic level. I don't understand why the in laws would have part in the actual raseing of ones children but ok. I just think its strange and superficial to totally judge some one biased on something totally beyond their control in life. But as some one else pointed out people are judged on other superficial things all the time doesn't mean I have to agree on it *shrugs* anyways..
atlg8r Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 I don't understand why the in laws would have part in the actual raseing of ones children but ok. I just think its strange and superficial to totally judge some one biased on something totally beyond their control in life. But as some one else pointed out people are judged on other superficial things all the time doesn't mean I have to agree on it *shrugs* anyways.. Do you have children? Are you married to someone who is close with their family? Anyone who has regular contact with you or your children has an impact on their parenting/rearing. If you let your parents babysit your child for even a half a day, they impact your child. I don't want my kids learning from someone things I disapprove of. I know I can't control everything (such as what my kid might see/hear if I send him to public school for example), but I do have control over who I marry, and that includes his family. Also, most people I know spend some time with family at holidays. I'm not marrying somebody if I can't stand to be around his family.
TigerLilly78 Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 Sure. But even if it's been 4 months of not-so-casual dating, we're still talking about 4 months. After an 8-month break-up. So unless she is in denial, she also knows that the R is not rock solid. He's evaluating and so should she be. They broke up due to him moving not to relationship issues unless im missing something here its possible ive not yet had my second cup of inspiration..lol I just think some are making it out to be these two dated here and there quite lightly to me that doesn't seam to be the case.. I've learned there are always 3 sides to any story his hers and the truth and as I've said we cant know anything but his.. I'm not trying to bash the op just responding to his original question of wither or not I believe his choices to be to picky and yes I personally do. I am also a firm believer in taking responsibility for ones actions and how that affects others so I will tend to give my advice accordingly I suppose..
TigerLilly78 Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 Do you have children? Are you married to someone who is close with their family? Anyone who has regular contact with you or your children has an impact on their parenting/rearing. If you let your parents babysit your child for even a half a day, they impact your child. I don't want my kids learning from someone things I disapprove of. I know I can't control everything (such as what my kid might see/hear if I send him to public school for example), but I do have control over who I marry, and that includes his family. Also, most people I know spend some time with family at holidays. I'm not marrying somebody if I can't stand to be around his family. To me all these issues are easily taken care of by not having contact with the offending family members. As a parent its ones job to make sure the environment is safe and suitable for the children if the extended family chooses not to be a part of that then so be it is it sad? Of course so but as long as the immediate family unit is strong then its a moot point imo. Then again I was not raised with a close family so maybe my views are different to others here. I just wouldn't judge a potential partner on that alone. Cause I realize that we can only control our own actions and not those around us..
atlg8r Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 To me all these issues are easily taken care of by not having contact with the offending family members. As a parent its ones job to make sure the environment is safe and suitable for the children if the extended family chooses not to be a part of that then so be it is it sad? Of course so but as long as the immediate family unit is strong then its a moot point imo. Then again I was not raised with a close family so maybe my views are different to others here. I just wouldn't judge a potential partner on that alone. Cause I realize that we can only control our own actions and not those around us.. If your SO is not close to his family or they aren't around (death for example) then no it isn't a big deal. But if they are around and he's close to them, it's really hard to say "yeah, I don't really care for how your parents raised you, so I don't want them babysitting our child." Doesn't go over well. I've tried explaining that point to someone, namely my ex, and he didn't take it well at all. I guess some people are still in touch with family and are well aware their parents are nuts or something, and then it would be different. But if you don't enjoy spending time with them at all, I just couldn't see marrying that person.
TigerLilly78 Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 If your SO is not close to his family or they aren't around (death for example) then no it isn't a big deal. But if they are around and he's close to them, it's really hard to say "yeah, I don't really care for how your parents raised you, so I don't want them babysitting our child." Doesn't go over well. I've tried explaining that point to someone, namely my ex, and he didn't take it well at all. I guess some people are still in touch with family and are well aware their parents are nuts or something, and then it would be different. But if you don't enjoy spending time with them at all, I just couldn't see marrying that person. Agreed if a potential partner insisted on my children being around unstable family members then that would also be a deal breaker for me as well. As I said one must insure the home is happy and healthy. If I was THAT into some one that I was contemplating having children then I suppose a serious talk would be needed to see if we were both on the same page far as issues like that go and if not then no go. But I wouldn't automatically disregard a potential partner biased on wacky family alone that just me tho..
StanMusial Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 But I wouldn't automatically disregard a potential partner biased on wacky family alone that just me tho.. To be fair, that was just ONE of several items he listed. 1
DArtagnan2 Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 To be fair, that was just ONE of several items he listed. I think some of the things listed may be minut' but emphaized or seen as a potential issue because of the larger issues. If the only problem was the family, that could be handled as long as the "major" compatibilities were there. 1
Author seanmathews3 Posted May 9, 2014 Author Posted May 9, 2014 (edited) Sure. But even if it's been 4 months of not-so-casual dating, we're still talking about 4 months. After an 8-month break-up. So unless she is in denial, she also knows that the R is not rock solid. He's evaluating and so should she be. To fill in more of the gaps to the story. This would be correct. We were dating as bf and gf for about 4 months then i had to ship off for school, I wasn't a fan of a LDR, at the 4 month mark before i left she dropped the I love you bomb. We chatted during the 8 month break but i wouldnt say we grew closer or got to know eachother more.. I got back and we continued to see eachother, more in a casual dating sense. And still now, she claims to still love me. I like being with her but i feel like with this whole "I love you" cat already out of the bag, there is this pressure on me to feel the same, or to decide right away if there is a long term potential or if there isn't. I just want to enjoy being with her at the moment and not worry so much about if shes the one i want to spend 30+ years with. Like i mentioned in a previous post, if i let her go now, im the bad guy, if i continue this, im the bad guy. I want us to keep in touch and somewhat stay connected, i dont want to completely cut her out of my life just because I cannot determine if she is my soulmate at this exact moment. This is why I made that list, because i felt pressured to start analyzing our future compatibility. I do enjoy being with her, but im still in my early 20's and i have a lot going on for me right now, school, work, life, etc. And a lot i want to do as a single man, travel, move out with friends, get my career started. I do not want to start thinking about my soulmate. This all may not make sense to some, but i am an overthinker and am at a mental crossroads. Do let her go only to find out years later that she was in fact the right girl for me, or do i let her go and years later find out i made the right choice and found someone more compatible with me. Oh and the family thing, yes i know this is not the most relevant issue to our compatibility, i know its her i would marry not her family, I just dont like how they treat her, which makes me wonder how they will treat my kids. that was my main concern. Edited May 9, 2014 by seanmathews3
Chocolat Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 I do enjoy being with her, but im still in my early 20's and i have a lot going on for me right now, school, work, life, etc. And a lot i want to do as a single man, travel, move out with friends, get my career started. I do not want to start thinking about my soulmate. This all may not make sense to some, but i am an overthinker and am at a mental crossroads. Do let her go only to find out years later that she was in fact the right girl for me, or do i let her go and years later find out i made the right choice and found someone more compatible with me. This all makes perfect sense, especially since the two of you are in vastly different places in life right now. Sounds like she has settled in to whatever her future is going to be, while you are still on the precipice of yours. Personally, from what you've written, I think you should date others. Yes, there is also a chance that you will realise later that she was "the one" but, frankly, I'd be surprised if that was the case. I am a big believer in not making decisions out of fear and what I hear from you is that you are afraid to leave (due to the fear of regretting it later), not that you feel compelled to stay. I think that if she truly floated your boat, you wouldn't be in this conundrum in the first place. You sound like you have your head on straight and have a promising future. I think you will be fine. 1
DArtagnan2 Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 (edited) Do you know what her expectations are right now? People say, I love you all the time, but that doesn't mean they are ready to settle down and buy a ranch. Sounds like you need to talk to her. Tell her what you wrote above. how you are looking at the relationship right now and where you, your head and heart are at the moment. Not everyone gets to the same point in the same time. Talk to her Edited May 9, 2014 by DArtagnan2
TigerLilly78 Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 To fill in more of the gaps to the story. This would be correct. We were dating as bf and gf for about 4 months then i had to ship off for school, I wasn't a fan of a LDR, at the 4 month mark before i left she dropped the I love you bomb. We chatted during the 8 month break but i wouldnt say we grew closer or got to know eachother more.. I got back and we continued to see eachother, more in a casual dating sense. And still now, she claims to still love me. I like being with her but i feel like with this whole "I love you" cat already out of the bag, there is this pressure on me to feel the same, or to decide right away if there is a long term potential or if there isn't. I just want to enjoy being with her at the moment and not worry so much about if shes the one i want to spend 30+ years with. Like i mentioned in a previous post, if i let her go now, im the bad guy, if i continue this, im the bad guy. I want us to keep in touch and somewhat stay connected, i dont want to completely cut her out of my life just because I cannot determine if she is my soulmate at this exact moment. This is why I made that list, because i felt pressured to start analyzing our future compatibility. I do enjoy being with her, but im still in my early 20's and i have a lot going on for me right now, school, work, life, etc. And a lot i want to do as a single man, travel, move out with friends, get my career started. I do not want to start thinking about my soulmate. This all may not make sense to some, but i am an overthinker and am at a mental crossroads. Do let her go only to find out years later that she was in fact the right girl for me, or do i let her go and years later find out i made the right choice and found someone more compatible with me. Oh and the family thing, yes i know this is not the most relevant issue to our compatibility, i know its her i would marry not her family, I just dont like how they treat her, which makes me wonder how they will treat my kids. that was my main concern. I hear a lot of "I" being used here and very little "us" you want to focus on yourself at this point that's fair enough. But you need to let her go then I only say that because she seams to have genuine feeling's for you and at this point its prob not the best thing for her to have you flip flopping over weather or not you want to lose her cause she "might" be the one you want that's a selfish choice imo.. It doesn't sound like you want any relationship at the moment so imo let her completely go let her take the time to heal and move on then work on yourself. Your not the "bad guy" for doing that but don't keep her around for the "what if factor" you should have done it sooner but that's past history at this point. Also just an idea here but it kind of sounds like you have a small fear of commitment tbh if even the words "I love you" make you think twice any ways best of luck..
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