What I look for in a partner.. Is this normal or too picky? s

[thecrucible]

Hey,

 

I already posted on this thread but wanted to add a few thoughts.

 

I am personally finding early twenties a really hard time to be dating (I'm 24). It's really hard to strike the right balance between having a certain level of standards and not being too picky. It sounds like you're struggling just as much as I am.

 

I think it's a good idea in that case to take your time getting to know someone, but also having a clear idea of a few things - what are your deal breakers? and what are you willing to be flexible on so you don't miss out on a really good person?

 

I have the same tendency as you do, admittedly. I haven't learned to trust my gut well - I spend ages to make a decision. I read recently that there are two types of decision-makers - people who go with their best possible option at the time and don't go any deeper than that; and people who take a lot of time thinking about it so that they know more or less 100% that they are doing the right thing. I guess we are both the latter.

 

Sometimes you can boil it down to something pretty simple. How much effort am I willing to put in? How much effort are they putting in? If you're really into it each other, things should just run smoothly. If your relationship feels like a duty/responsibility on either side and not something you naturally enjoy giving your free time to, then obviously it's not working. In that case, you don't need to even analyse. You can just say "Well I must just not be into this person".

 

I look back to when I've been in love, and it's just run smoothly without constant analysing. There must be something holding you back from getting more deeply involved with this girl. Whenever you're really into someone, you're willing to let things slide.

[thecrucible]

The school thing... Again, a ridiculous requirement. The motivation is much more important so if she gives off the vibe of wanting to do nothing in live but watch Keeping up with the Kardashians then yeah, red flag.

 

Yeah I agree.

 

For instance, my father was the first in our family to go to university. He has a PhD. Both my grandfathers were avid learners who knew more than one language and were knowledgeable in science, engineering, philosophy and a host of other topics. Makes no difference to me that they didn't attend university.

 

And back in history, there were the autodidacts - well read working class men without formal education who taught themselves and rose through the ranks...very inspiring.

 

Sometimes it's good to have a solid rule, but sometimes you have to take people as you find them. I struggle with this too - I like to date university-educated people but I'm also willing to stretch that requirement for someone intelligent, interested in learning and expanding his horizons. I don't look down on anyone who hasn't been university-educated, as many of my friends haven't.

[seanmathews3]

Thank you everyone for your feedback, this really helped re assure me that this may not be the girl im looking for... even though it is going to hurt losing her and letting her go, who knows maybe later down the road we'll be a better fit for eachother..

 

whats the best thing for me to say to her to explain this? The best way to tell her? Because I obviously dont want to keep stringing her on.

 

Any thoughts?

[TigerLilly78]

Ide say the mood swings are the only thing that would concern me one thing I didn't understand is the tattoos thing dose she or dose she not have them? you have known this girl for a year and a half and your just noticing all this now?

 

 

To be honest it kind of sounds like you might have strung this girl along a bit I could be wrong but if your making lists of imperfection's then yeah surely something's not right.

 

 

Far as her family well that's not her fault some people get the short stick in life and get unsupportive or even abusive family. That could very well be the basis for a lot of her other shortcoming's.

 

 

In a nut shell as some one else mentioned I believe you do fancy yourself better then her so prob best to let the girl find some one more accepting and genuine and move on..

[TigerLilly78]

Thank you everyone for your feedback, this really helped re assure me that this may not be the girl im looking for... even though it is going to hurt losing her and letting her go, who knows maybe later down the road we'll be a better fit for eachother..

 

whats the best thing for me to say to her to explain this? The best way to tell her? Because I obviously dont want to keep stringing her on.

 

Any thoughts?

 

 

Im sorry I used you for so long when I really wasn't into the relationship would be a nice start then ide cut contact so she can find some one who's not going to string her along. Sorry if this sounds harsh but its true in my eyes..

[MrNate 2.0]

I just like a big butt.

 

 

 

Personality is ok too, I guess.

[Eivuwan]

I don't think I can ever throw out the education requirement, mostly because I can't stand talking to someone who can't keep up. I'd be a little annoyed trying to explain what I perceive to be simple topics, and the ladies might take it the wrong way.

 

Or maybe you need to work on your communication skills lol. Most concepts can be explained through simple language, analogies, metaphors, etc

[TigerLilly78]

Or maybe you need to work on your communication skills lol. Most concepts can be explained through simple language, analogies, metaphors, etc

 

 

Yet again another example of some one who thinks themselves better then others your right! Unless the person your talking to is quite disabled and not capable of understanding even basic metaphors then there is no reason for this. Other then to say hey im smarter look at me aren't I brilliant meh the smartest people are the ones who don't need to toot their own intellectual horn at every opportunity or so I've found sorry for the off topic..

[Speakingofwhich]

Anyways. I would like your opinions, is it normal to be looking for a partner with the things I'm looking for? Is it clear that she isn't the right one for me? How important is it that you settle with someone that is close to what you're looking for..? Or am I being ridiculous.

 

Thank you!

 

You're being ridiculous. However, you are doing your gf a favor to break up with her based on your ridiculousness! Wrote that tongue-in-cheek (kind of).

 

Seriously, though, the main reason to break up with your gf is because judging from your post you don't seem to be in love with her.

[crederer]

yeah it sounds like you are really picky. Nothing wrong with that, it's your life.

[atlg8r]

These latest comments are ludicrous. You are not being picky at all. Many of the things the OP listed are critical components to a successful partnership. Maybe that's the reason there's so much divorce these days - people are really taking into account important factors in their mate.

 

No, you can't help your family who gives birth to you. But unfortunately, marrying someone means that person's family will be a part of your life and eventually your child's life. It's VITALLY important that you at least have a healthy respect for one another and approve of the way they would interact with your children.

 

Further, if your intelligences are not similar, you just may not enjoy conversing together. And regular conversation is also VITALLY important to sustaining a partnership/marriage.

 

I don't think the OP has done anything wrong except MAYBE letting it go on too long. But, that's the point of dating - you learn more about someone until you decide if they are the best partner for you or not. It doesn't mean this girl is a bad person or unworthy of love/marriage. It just means she isn't the best partner for the OP.

 

Sounds like some of the latter comments here are projecting.

[Babolat]

I will say about the education thing... Try and get over that. There are many brilliant, motivated, successful non-college grads out there. And I'm saying this as someone who holds two of the tougher Bachelor's and is entering grad school./QUOTE]

Agreed. I use to think a college degree was a requirment. My ex-wife did not go past HS. I'd say 50% of the woman I have dated since have not either. One is a Director for a Fortune 5 company, no college at all, started at the bottom and worked her way up.

 

Ambition, passion, good work ethic, driven, financially stable, makes good financial decision, is responsible with their money; that is what matters to me.

[central]

I don't think she's a good long-term match for you, so I suggest you end it and put your time into dating to find someone who is a good match.

 

I'll also agree with Babolat that your emphasis on education may be narrow-minded. I know many highly educated boring people, and many modestly educated people who have wide-ranging knowledge of the world, issues, and events and can weave those into a meaningful conversation. Ambition - at least at a modest level - is still important, but does not need to be directed to more education.

 

I have multiple degrees from MIT and other schools, yet my ideal match is a smart and worldly woman who did not complete college. She has owned several business and is very well informed, though, and is constantly learning new skills, has ambition, and - even more important - is a warm and caring person.

[bryceisbryce]

I don't think there is much hope for this relationship because it sounds like you two are on completely different pages. There is nothing wrong with her being the way she is and there's nothing wrong with you wanting the things you want.

 

It does sound like you think your education and accomplishments matter a lot more than they actually do in a romantic relationship. You'll probably have a hard time finding intelligent, ambitious, and educated women from good families that want to hear about how great you are and your plans for the future all of the time. They aren't really impressed by that kind of stuff.

[jay1983]

Shows how little you know.

 

I work for a man that did not finish college, he owns several companies around the world, and can entertain you on ANY subject of history, economy, sociology, and god knows what else.

 

Not having book education does not mean you don't read and are not knowledgeable.

 

Once I dated a man that was a machinist. Grade 12. He had traveled around the world and had SO many experiences!! He knew so much about every countries, people and life, etc. I got a higher education but I've never traveled, guess who was the boring one in our relationship?

 

She doesn't have to have a degree but have a good vocabulary and some intellect. You'd be amazed how many fall short.

[Chocolat]

Hey OP, I think your list is perfectly reasonable if it reflects your desires. It is far easier to have a lasting R with someone who is on the same page in terms of values and character and it sounds as though you two are a mismatch. This doesn't necessarily make one of you better or worse, just not compatible.

 

As for the education thing, what I am hearing is not so much that it's an issue that she hasn't gone to college but that she does not have any ambition or life goals. That would be huge for me but, again, what matters to me or any other poster here is beside the point - what matters is what matters to you.

[Chocolat]

Also, while I agree with the sentiment that you can be smart and not have gone to college or be an idiot with a degree, and also cede that we've all met successful people who didn't have a degree, etc... The reality is that the employment and income outlook for those with a formal education is much better than that for those without: Earnings and unemployment rates by educational attainment

 

Of course exceptions exist, but norms have a tale to tell, too.

[Hopeful30]

There are women like this but it's hard to meet them cuz most of the time they don't frequent bars or clubs.

 

As for the family part, rest assured, I have a terrible relationship with my family. I can't stand my parents, but if I were to ever have kids, I know that they would love and spoil the hell out of the kid. I would have no problems leaving my child with them for long periods.

 

Bad relationship with parents very seldom reflects the relationship they would have with grandkids.

[TigerLilly78]

These latest comments are ludicrous. You are not being picky at all. Many of the things the OP listed are critical components to a successful partnership. Maybe that's the reason there's so much divorce these days - people are really taking into account important factors in their mate.

 

 

No, you can't help your family who gives birth to you. But unfortunately, marrying someone means that person's family will be a part of your life and eventually your child's life. It's VITALLY important that you at least have a healthy respect for one another and approve of the way they would interact with your children.

 

Further, if your intelligences are not similar, you just may not enjoy conversing together. And regular conversation is also VITALLY important to sustaining a partnership/marriage.

 

I don't think the OP has done anything wrong except MAYBE letting it go on too long. But, that's the point of dating - you learn more about someone until you decide if they are the best partner for you or not. It doesn't mean this girl is a bad person or unworthy of love/marriage. It just means she isn't the best partner for the OP.

 

Sounds like some of the latter comments here are projecting.

 

 

 

 

I think its kind of ludacris to blame one for their family's actions she could be an amazing person with a heartless uncaring family so because the family is not right one would judge a partner on this? how silly. That is like saying life is suppose to be a fairy tale right from the get go that's just not living in reality im sorry. Its vitally important the child be in a loving and supportive home what happens in the extended family is extra imo.I didn't even know my grandparents and I turned out a normal member of sociality imagen that..lol

 

 

 

Ok moving on lets call a spade a spade here op dated this women for a year and half so obviously they were compatible enough far as intelligence. Op just feels he is superior cause he was lucky enough to go to collage! well kudos for him..lol

 

 

We can semi agree on one thing yes he did lead this girl on far to long a year and half is well past the 'opsie" were been "dating" and I just realize your not the best match for me..stage Now you may label this advice how ever you might like but one thing it is is honest..

[seanmathews3]

 

Ok moving on lets call a spade a spade here op dated this women for a year and half so obviously they were compatible enough far as intelligence. Op just feels he is superior cause he was lucky enough to go to collage! well kudos for him..lol

 

 

We can semi agree on one thing yes he did lead this girl on far to long a year and half is well past the 'opsie" were been "dating" and I just realize your not the best match for me..stage Now you may label this advice how ever you might like but one thing it is is honest..

 

For the family aspect, I don't think it is wrong at all to analyze what kind of influence your partners family will be on your future children and what kind of examples they will set.

 

That would be incorrect as far as me thinking I am superior. The college comment was mainly linked to ambition and drive. If a girl has a career goal that doesn't require college and she is driven, motivated, and ambitious towards it, that is perfect, but if someone has no idea what they wanna do, and already in their mid 20's just spinning their wheels at a non career job, then yes, i would highly recommend that person go to some kind of school or training to help kick start them on a career path. I do not think at all I am superior to this woman, she is super kind and loving, like i said there is a lot i like about this girl, but at the same time, a lot i believe we are mismatched about.

 

A year and a half knowing eachother, but just about a year of dating since i was gone for 8 months. By no means am i intending on leading her on, which is obviously why I am here, trying to get feedback about doing the "right" thing. During our year of dating, yes she might have had a lot stronger feelings for me than i do her, but i do care about her, i do like her. Im just not on the same page as far as feelings. I am too uncertain if I can see her as a long term partner.

 

This whole post was me asking for help based on uncertainty. When it comes down to it, many people say just listen to your gut. Well I have a tricky gut, because at one moment its saying to let her go, shes not my type, im too young, just doesnt feel right. Yet at another moment my gut is saying not to let her go, shes a good person, super sweet and caring, loving, and i enjoy taking care of her and at times am happy when im with her.

 

Your advice is honest, and i do appreciate that. I am asking for help and opinions about the connection and situation. Not my wrong doings.

[Chocolat]

I am asking for help and opinions about the connection and situation. Not my wrong doings.

 

You haven't done anything wrong. You're dating, the purpose of which is to determine compatibility.

 

And here you are.

[StanMusial]

Regarding the family topic: people are judged for things they did not choose and cannot control all the time. You think some short guy wouldn't be taller if he could? Or someone who was butt-ugly wouldn't be beautiful if they could? It's a valid point - most people I know wouldn't be willing to marry into a mess of a situation.

[cshim]

I'm personally on the page as you except #3. Sounds like you're craving validation of your status.

 

That aside, I think it's completely fair to be picky if you're looking for "the one" (not so much for casual dating). I think there's a reason why half of American marriages fail. If you want to go the distance, it's understandable to be very choosy. Just make sure you keep a balanced perspective--if you only think about what YOU like and what YOU expect then you're doomed from the beginning.

[TigerLilly78]

For the family aspect, I don't think it is wrong at all to analyze what kind of influence your partners family will be on your future children and what kind of examples they will set.

 

That would be incorrect as far as me thinking I am superior. The college comment was mainly linked to ambition and drive. If a girl has a career goal that doesn't require college and she is driven, motivated, and ambitious towards it, that is perfect, but if someone has no idea what they wanna do, and already in their mid 20's just spinning their wheels at a non career job, then yes, i would highly recommend that person go to some kind of school or training to help kick start them on a career path. I do not think at all I am superior to this woman, she is super kind and loving, like i said there is a lot i like about this girl, but at the same time, a lot i believe we are mismatched about.

 

A year and a half knowing eachother, but just about a year of dating since i was gone for 8 months. By no means am i intending on leading her on, which is obviously why I am here, trying to get feedback about doing the "right" thing. During our year of dating, yes she might have had a lot stronger feelings for me than i do her, but i do care about her, i do like her. Im just not on the same page as far as feelings. I am too uncertain if I can see her as a long term partner.

 

This whole post was me asking for help based on uncertainty. When it comes down to it, many people say just listen to your gut. Well I have a tricky gut, because at one moment its saying to let her go, shes not my type, im too young, just doesnt feel right. Yet at another moment my gut is saying not to let her go, shes a good person, super sweet and caring, loving, and i enjoy taking care of her and at times am happy when im with her.

 

Your advice is honest, and i do appreciate that. I am asking for help and opinions about the connection and situation. Not my wrong doings.

 

 

Is this normal or too picky? s

 

 

That was the title of your thread you asked for people opinions on your "pickiness'' you got mine im sorry if my highlight's of your wrong doings upset you but you did ask...

 

 

I just think you are being a little shallow and unrealistic in some of your concerns. If she truly doesn't make you totally happy then of course you should move on. But that said even at a year it was to long to let things go its going to be harder on her then it should be.

[TigerLilly78]

You haven't done anything wrong. You're dating, the purpose of which is to determine compatibility.

 

And here you are.

 

 

This is were people get confused I believe "dating" is the stage before a relationship is formed at a year the op was past the "dating" stage with this women imo anyways..