What I look for in a partner.. Is this normal or too picky? s

[seanmathews3]

So I'm sure everyone has their "ideal" person their looking for as a long term relationship.. Certain personality, looks, habits, etc. Things that they would like in a life long partner... I have those things but I'm not sure if it's normal and reasonable to have those standards or if I'm being too damn picky..

 

Short story- my ex and I broke up a year ago due to me leaving the state for 8 months work and not wanting to do long distance but now I'm back and we continue to talk and somewhat casually date she claims she's in love with me (she's honest) but I'm not quite there myself, not sure if I will get to that level, I can't decide if she just isn't the one for me or if I'm holding myself back from loving her with my ideal long term relationship partner.. I really like a lot about her but there's also a lot I don't like..

 

1) education- I finished my degrees and am pushing towards my next, she finished hs 6-7 years ago and hasn't done or plan to do any more education.. To me, education is important and it's something id like my life partner to have tried or accomplished..

 

1.5) I feel she lacks ambition, while we talk, all I talk about is what I got planned next and the next goal I'm going to accomplish and what my long term career goals are.. I've known her for a year and a half and have no idea what her goals are, if she has any.. I'm constantly trying to better myself and would like a partner that does the same..

 

2) her family and their relationship- I'm really close with my family and we never have the slightest issue. Her family really treats her like **** and they are not the most accepting. When I think long term, I want my kids to have great and supportive grandparents, I get a really uneasy feeling thinking I'd become family with them.

 

3) I guess she can get a little shy but she doesn't ask much about me or my day, which sounds strange coming from a guy, but I love my job, what I do, and what I've accomplished in the past, and would love to share those stories. But unless I ask her how her day is going, there's no way I'd hear it. I want a woman who has an actual interest in what I do or have done and wants to hear those stories.

 

4) piercings and tattoos- now I don't mind a girl with some piercings or a few tattoos.. But some I just say to myself "really?"

 

5) physically and sexually - for the most part we're on the same page of pleasing eachother, but sometimes there's a misfire, which I'm sure is normal. I know looks and sex shouldn't be a standard when looking for a partner, but Maybe it's just me being a guy that's looking for great sex or great body..

 

6) she'll throw fits or have these mood swings when the smallest little thing I do upsets her- I know in a partner there's gonna be little disagreements, but it seems like she just can't handle them maturely, even though we already talked about it.

 

7) hearing a simple thank you- now occasionally she'll tell me thank you for taking her out, but a lot of the time when I pay for the night out, I won't hear a thank you. Now I know I'm a guy and should treat her anyways, and I don't mind it at all.. But having a partner who sincerely thanks you and appreciates it is something I wouldn't mind having.

 

8) she occasionally smokes when she is stressed.. Like once a week or two weeks if that.. But just having her have the habit or that being something she turns to is a huge turn off for me.

 

I know this sounds like a lot I don't like, or maybe a lot of deal breakers, but on the flip side there's a lot I do like about her..

 

Anyways. I would like your opinions, is it normal to be looking for a partner with the things I'm looking for? Is it clear that she isn't the right one for me? How important is it that you settle with someone that is close to what you're looking for..? Or am I being ridiculous.

 

Thank you!

[David87]

You're not ridiculous, it's ok to have high standards. I don't think that your ex is the best fit for you because you evolved but she hasn't.

[mammasita]

I'll be honest, when I started reading your list, I was thinking "here we go :sick:" but you truly make good points.

 

I don't think you're being too picky at all. You make valid points about basic compatibility and what you want in a partner. She's obviously not it.

 

Best to cut the girl loose.

[thecrucible]

See the thing about #2 is that no one gets to choose their family, so it seems a little unfair to judge someone too much on that.

 

I understand that people look for a family dynamic that fits theirs. No family is going to come in a perfect package.

 

I'm reserved about introducing a potential suitor to my family early on. They're not very social and some don't tend to make any kind of effort to get to know whoever I'm seeing at the time. Sometimes that puts a guy off but I can't and don't want to change them.

 

However I think how a person's family reacts to you in general is important. If I dated someone my family really like, I'd probably notice the difference.

 

Anyway, that being said...I don't think you're being too picky because what you referred to could cause issues down the line. While no family is perfect, it is good that they get along with one another. I at least get along with my family and there are no major conflicts. I also know how to stand up to my parents, and I think that's an important life skill to have.

 

I also think that if you're a driven person then it's good to be with someone equally goal-driven. I am quite driven myself but I'd hate to be with a guy who was so driven, he started to interfere in my life, like the last guy. I'm driven but I don't wear it on my sleeve or talk about my goals 24/7 (I have a laid back temperament). Sometimes people are goal driven, but you just might not notice it straight away. My ex had this bug bear that I wasn't that driven but he spent all his time lecturing me about what he thought I should be doing. If he'd let me be myself and not talked constantly about himself, I might have opened up to him more.

 

i.e. I am always trying to better myself but I don't need a guy to lecture me about what I should or should not be doing with my life.

[thecrucible]

I think you know what you want to do - you just need to be validated on here.

 

So if it doesn't feel right for you, don't let it drag on. But stand by yourself and your decisions. Make sure you're totally certain about what you want and be honest with yourself too.

 

If you let it drag it on too much, you'll hurt her.

 

That's what my ex did to me and it was horrible. I wished he had manned-up a bit and had a clearer idea of what he wanted - not something anyone else can tell you but yourself. I think a guy who isn't sure of himself isn't much of a man.

 

Do the right thing by you. Everything will be okay.

[shet]

She sounds fine to me. The only part that would bother me after that length of time is the fits and mood swings, that's an actual quality of life level issue.

 

Nobody is perfect.

[Standard-Fare]

Straight up: You should end things because you think you're better than her. It's clear from your post. No relationship can survive with that dynamic.

[Hello_is_it_me]

You're pretty judgy, but in relationships there is no right or wrong. You have the right to be a snob. #6 is really the only thing that I see as a potential deal breaker on it's own. But if all the other trivial things are bothering you, then she's not the one. Usually when people are into each other, they overlook the small stuff, rather than make lists of it.

[Lyn77]

I don't think you have high standards at all. You know what you want and need.

I am wondering how you have stayed with this woman for so long? Sounds like she is not fulfilling any of your needs or motivating you to accomplish your dreams/goals. What does she do for you?

 

I do agree with the others regarding family. Having a close, caring family is important to most people. Like myself though, my family has grown apart, relocated for work, have their own large families now, etc...

So it is difficult to blame her for her family issues.

[TheNoBSBuddhist]

....

I know this sounds like a lot I don't like, or maybe a lot of deal breakers, but on the flip side there's a lot I do like about her..

.....

 

...But then you omit, tellingly, to give an equivalent and comprehensive list of what those things are.

 

I think in all fairness, this is a mis-matched relationship.

If you are willing to be so critical in this stage, what would it be like, I wonder, when the relationship is more deeply established, and more of a permanent fixture?

I would hate to think she would be perpetually under such close and critical scrutiny!

 

The question is: Do you honestly even see it getting that far....?

[Hello_is_it_me]

I will say about the education thing... Try and get over that. There are many brilliant, motivated, successful non-college grads out there. And I'm saying this as someone who holds two of the tougher Bachelor's and is entering grad school.

 

You question her ambition... Does she currently work? What does she do?

[kodakgirl]

That all sounds fine to me (and I certainly pass). I feel it's a good thing to have an idea of the kind of partner you'd work best with-- you recognize for a fulfilling relationship you need a girl who you can trade discussions of your ambitions with and who makes an effort to verbally express her appreciation for you. That's totally fair, and it's mature of you to realize that.

[todreaminblue]

i think i tis better to be honest about what you want and need from a relationship what you desire to form a lasting relationship if you put aside points that really mean a alot to you..and they just arent there....then yeah its pretty horrible and they are normally short lived....they do teach you things though....like what you dont want or cant handle if you are past that you know your ideals and values have to count...or you end up really unhappy and stay or you leave and its a huge mess......so holding standards......i feel is true to who you are...so to form a true and lasting relationship......deb

[Gaeta]

I had a long list of requirements before and that kept me from meeting very interesting people, especially the part about them having a post college education. Boy was I wrong! The men that treated me with the most respect were often the blue collars.

 

I threw my list out the window and started trusting my gut, I have had much more fun dating since.

[UnlitCandle]

I had a long list of requirements before and that kept me from meeting very interesting people, especially the part about them having a post college education. Boy was I wrong! The men that treated me with the most respect were often the blue collars.

 

I threw my list out the window and started trusting my gut, I have had much more fun dating since.

 

I don't think I can ever throw out the education requirement, mostly because I can't stand talking to someone who can't keep up. I'd be a little annoyed trying to explain what I perceive to be simple topics, and the ladies might take it the wrong way.

[Emilia]

I don't think I can ever throw out the education requirement, mostly because I can't stand talking to someone who can't keep up. I'd be a little annoyed trying to explain what I perceive to be simple topics, and the ladies might take it the wrong way.

If you believe that someone's ability to understand concepts depends on their level of education, you need to get out more. Much much more.

[RonaldS]

Most of your list is a little picky.

 

However, #1 and 1b are the ones that will ultimately do you in. If you are goal/education/career driven and with somebody who isn't ambitious and doesn't ever really find a path in life, it will create a TON of resentment.

 

6-7 years out of HS isn't a huge deal, but in order to work with you, there should at least be a light on the horizon. Something that she's building or working toward.

[Hello_is_it_me]

I don't think I can ever throw out the education requirement, mostly because I can't stand talking to someone who can't keep up. I'd be a little annoyed trying to explain what I perceive to be simple topics, and the ladies might take it the wrong way.

 

I addressed this in this thread already, but again - there are brilliant, motivated, successful people that never went to college.

 

Hell, I remember years ago working with someone who had dropped out of highschool in the 9th grade because he found it boring. When he was 17 he took the SAT for "fun" and scored a 1390 (on the old scale of 0-1600 that is a damn good score). Anyways, the guy was very fascinating.. - the kind of person you feel you always learn something from when talking to.

 

I have a brother that never finished college. His IQ is in the 150's and he works with computers. He's another guy that knows a bit about everything lol.

 

On the flip-side, I've come across college graduates that were not that interesting, intelligent, nor deep in any respect.

[Gaeta]

I don't think I can ever throw out the education requirement, mostly because I can't stand talking to someone who can't keep up. I'd be a little annoyed trying to explain what I perceive to be simple topics, and the ladies might take it the wrong way.

 

Shows how little you know.

 

I work for a man that did not finish college, he owns several companies around the world, and can entertain you on ANY subject of history, economy, sociology, and god knows what else.

 

Not having book education does not mean you don't read and are not knowledgeable.

 

Once I dated a man that was a machinist. Grade 12. He had traveled around the world and had SO many experiences!! He knew so much about every countries, people and life, etc. I got a higher education but I've never traveled, guess who was the boring one in our relationship?

[TheNoBSBuddhist]

I don't think I can ever throw out the education requirement, mostly because I can't stand talking to someone who can't keep up. I'd be a little annoyed trying to explain what I perceive to be simple topics, and the ladies might take it the wrong way.

 

Isn't it incredible that by merely wishing to impress upon us your standard requirement of a good education, you actually lay bare your profound ignorance of what the difference between 'intelligence' and 'Intellect' is?

 

Intellect is the minds capacity of knowledge and reason. Intelligence is the practical manifestation of knowledge to think in complex and pioneering ways. At its simplest, intellect is knowing a lot of things, where intelligence is more about putting knowledge to use in an innovative, analytical, and practical ways.

 

Some people certainly have high intellect but low intelligence or perhaps vice versa.

[Lyn77]

I believe education is an important part of a person's character and really does affect how they view the world. He wants to date someone with an education. That's a good thing. He also wants someone who is ambitious.

 

I am working on my second degree and can tell you, my college courses, social interactions with professors and general campus experience, have made me the person I am today. Seeking an education shows ambition. It shows the person wants to improve their life and accomplish something.

[Hello_is_it_me]

I believe education is an important part of a person's character and really does affect how they view the world. He wants to date someone with an education. That's a good thing. He also wants someone who is ambitious.

 

I am working on my second degree and can tell you, my college courses, social interactions with professors and general campus experience, have made me the person I am today. Seeking an education shows ambition. It shows the person wants to improve their life and accomplish something.

 

I don't agree with you at all.

[atlg8r]

Answering a few of these line by line. Overall, I do not think any of these is totally unreasonable.

 

1) education- I finished my degrees and am pushing towards my next, she finished hs 6-7 years ago and hasn't done or plan to do any more education.. To me, education is important and it's something id like my life partner to have tried or accomplished..

 

1.5) I feel she lacks ambition, while we talk, all I talk about is what I got planned next and the next goal I'm going to accomplish and what my long term career goals are.. I've known her for a year and a half and have no idea what her goals are, if she has any.. I'm constantly trying to better myself and would like a partner that does the same..

 

I think the important part is your perception she is not ambitious. This is a big difference in lifestyle. She might be looking for a man who will let her be a housewife. If that is not something you want, it is a perfectly legitimate concern.

 

2) her family and their relationship- I'm really close with my family and we never have the slightest issue. Her family really treats her like **** and they are not the most accepting. When I think long term, I want my kids to have great and supportive grandparents, I get a really uneasy feeling thinking I'd become family with them.

 

This is HUGE in my book. You are marrying someone and their family comes along with it. If you don't particularly enjoy time with them and think they wouldn't be good influences on future children, that is a HUGE red flag. I dated a guy for almost 7 years, and while his parents were nice, it was always awkward for me to be around them and I definitely did not agree with their parenting style and other factors. My current fiance, however, has fantastic parents that I truly get along with. It makes life so much easier when having to split holidays, consider them as babysitters, etc.

 

4) piercings and tattoos- now I don't mind a girl with some piercings or a few tattoos.. But some I just say to myself "really?"

 

This is also big in my book. I don't really care for tattoos, although my fiance has some that are either covered under clothes or are relatively tasteful. (He has his military bars on his forearm, which I actually like because I'm proud of his service.) What if she plans to get more? If that's something you find unattractive, it could cause issues in the future.

 

7) hearing a simple thank you- now occasionally she'll tell me thank you for taking her out, but a lot of the time when I pay for the night out, I won't hear a thank you. Now I know I'm a guy and should treat her anyways, and I don't mind it at all.. But having a partner who sincerely thanks you and appreciates it is something I wouldn't mind having.

 

My fiance would go to the ends of the earth for me, but I always tell him thank you for dinner or thank you for picking me up something at the store, etc. It's an attitude of gratefulness and appreciation. Maybe you could mention it to her - tell her because you care about her that you like doing nice things for her, but you hope she will still remember to say thank you and be appreciative - that it helps meet a need for you. Might not be a dealbreaker - maybe she just didn't know any better. :/

 

8) she occasionally smokes when she is stressed.. Like once a week or two weeks if that.. But just having her have the habit or that being something she turns to is a huge turn off for me.

 

I dislike smoking. My fiance currently smokes. He doesn't do it around me or in the house. He has promised he's going to quit starting in May. But, I had decided previously that everything else with him was so good, that I could deal with it. It's up to you if you can tolerate it - I know it's smelly and gives people bad breath. But it's not a 100% dealbreaker for me.

[atlg8r]

I believe education is an important part of a person's character and really does affect how they view the world. He wants to date someone with an education. That's a good thing. He also wants someone who is ambitious.

 

I am working on my second degree and can tell you, my college courses, social interactions with professors and general campus experience, have made me the person I am today. Seeking an education shows ambition. It shows the person wants to improve their life and accomplish something.

 

I think more important is the qualities of an individual. My fiance has only a high school diploma, while I have a master's degree. But he is not uneducated or unintelligent in any way. He's well spoken and is interested in learning new things. He likes to discuss politics or current events with me, and probably is more knowledgeable than me on topics like history.

 

For me, it's less about "how many degrees do you have" and instead more a focus on "are you intelligent, can you carry on a good conversation and are you interest and open-minded about learning new things?"

[Hello_is_it_me]

The smoking and thank you things can be fixed with some communication and a little effort.

 

The parents thing.. If they are that intolerable then maybe they should be only minimally involved in your lives. That's kind of her call, though.

 

Piercings are not forever (unless she has those goofy gauges). Tattoos.. Well, weren't you attracted to her physically when you first dated her? Did a friend or family member air concerns about her tattoos that made you start to judge her?

 

The school thing... Again, a ridiculous requirement. The motivation is much more important so if she gives off the vibe of wanting to do nothing in live but watch Keeping up with the Kardashians then yeah, red flag.

 

The fits and mood swings over nothing, though, is, by itself, enough to warrant a break up. It needs to be discussed and if she can't learn to control such behavior then I wouldn't stay around if I were you. She's 6 or 7 years post grade school? So around 24,25 years old? She needs to act like a mature adult.