Author hobsgirl Posted April 16, 2014 Author Posted April 16, 2014 Let me ask if it's okay? Let's say tomorrow he tells you he wants out, wants to end the A. Would you totally be okay with that? Do you have any feelings for him? Sorry but unless you have no emotions involved, which I doubt after 3 years of having an affair, you on some level are committed to him. Unless you see other mm as well and have a string of guys with no strings attached. I would be sad and I would miss his company. I would miss having him in my life, but I feel no commitment to him or from him. I would miss him as I would miss a good friend, but I do not pretend to be in love him.
Furious Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 No affair is full proof.... I discovered something by pure accident. It was not something concrete but my gut and this vague but persistent feeling came together. The thing is the signs are there but in a trusting relationship it can be explained away. Life can be stressful, people are working hard, that's normal. I hired a PI, and acted as normal as possible. It was hard. My husband sensed I was off, but in the same way he had fooled me I had fooled him. He believed my red eyes and stuffy nose was a cold...truth was I couldn't stop crying. Within just over a week i had hard undeniable proof, and I discovered more about the OW than my husband even knew about her. 5
whichwayisup Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 I would be sad and I would miss his company. I would miss having him in my life, but I feel no commitment to him or from him. I would miss him as I would miss a good friend, but I do not pretend to be in love him. Thanks for answering. Just hope for your own sake and heart that you're not lying to yourself.. As for your A with him, you can try to do everything possible to hide the A, never know one day you two could be busted. All it takes is his wife being suspicious and depending on who she is and how she handles things, she could very well hire a PI if other trails run cold.
HermioneG Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 Beware of key loggers, use prepaid phone, secret email accessed through prepaid phone only, use cash only, and many other spy secrets. The betrayed spouse will rarely leave even after multiple DDays. The WS can easily talk themselves back into the good graces of the BS if they know what to say and how to say it. WS will not leave the marriage most times after being caught. Most will also do the bare minimum to get their BS back, most marriages *do not divorce* but very few actually *reconcile* into a happy and healthy marriage. Many BS give empty ultimatums and threats after DDay (multiple DDay) and just as many WS are willing to call their bluff. No person in the affair triangle (hexagon?) are perfect. Many WS and BS stay for reasons other then love, ie finances, kids, appearances, family and religious reasons. Mistresses have been called whores if they are taken on dates or money is spent in any way. If that is true, any BS (or WS) that stays for financial reasons is also a whore (man or woman). I changed the locks and kicked my spouse out and told him to go be with the other woman. I know many, many other betrayeds who did exactly the same thing. I don't really see these claims of betrayeds saying they are perfect. Nobody's perfect. But I understand the real point of your OP. Which is you have to find a flaw, pick on something, to make yourself psychologically comfortable with the choice you are making to purposely participate in the deception of another human being. Which has got to be hard to maintain, especially longterm. I can see why posts from betrayeds who did not deserve to be cheated on ( which is all of them), and from people who worked hard at their marriages would make you uncomfortable. Because at the end of the day- infidelity is a personal problem. A character issue for the wayward, and a symbol of what is wrong within them, not the marriage. Which means your boyfriend has a problem. And so do you. And it's not his wife. 14
Furious Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 Beware of key loggers, use prepaid phone, secret email accessed through prepaid phone only, use cash only, and many other spy secrets. The betrayed spouse will rarely leave even after multiple DDays. The WS can easily talk themselves back into the good graces of the BS if they know what to say and how to say it. WS will not leave the marriage most times after being caught. Most will also do the bare minimum to get their BS back, most marriages *do not divorce* but very few actually *reconcile* into a happy and healthy marriage. Many BS give empty ultimatums and threats after DDay (multiple DDay) and just as many WS are willing to call their bluff. No person in the affair triangle (hexagon?) are perfect. Many WS and BS stay for reasons other then love, ie finances, kids, appearances, family and religious reasons. Mistresses have been called whores if they are taken on dates or money is spent in any way. If that is true, any BS (or WS) that stays for financial reasons is also a whore (man or woman). This seems like a tremendous amount of effort on your part if all you want is a no strings relationship. All the espionage full proofing seems out of sync with your claim you're not emotionally involved with a married man. Is the secrecy and illicitness something you can't get with single men. There are plenty of single men who would jump at FWB situation. Something tells me, you have trust issues, something in your past, something in your family dynamic that has scarred you. 7
BHsigh Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 Wouldn't if be easier if you just had a FWB relationship. Single man, single girl who have sex and small talk. Them you wouldn't have to read infidelity forums on how to not get caught Seriously, OP, don't you know how easy it is to get a single man to have sex? Be up front about no feelings and drop him if they start. Just because your mm is married doesn't mean he won't ever develop feeling, particularly if the BS is as bad as you seem to think. 1
gettingstronger Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 Ok, so how did reading that post and then posting this one help you accomplish your goal of not getting caught? Why do you waste your time on something that does bother or hurt you? Why would you care if you get caught if what you are looking for is just casual? Why wouldn't you just move on to the next married man? I'm confused about this post. 1
Betterthanthis13 Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 If what you truly want is no strings sex with a married man because you think single men are too clingy, look into swingers clubs or polyamory site where you could be the legit girlfriend of a mm who's wife has no problem with it so you don't have to be concerned with all this cheating and spy nonsense. Or maybe be honest with yourself about what you really want? 7
BHsigh Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 Ok, so how did reading that post and then posting this one help you accomplish your goal of not getting caught? Why do you waste your time on something that does bother or hurt you? Why would you care if you get caught if what you are looking for is just casual? Why wouldn't you just move on to the next married man? I'm confused about this post. I don't think that she's being honest with herself when she says that she's worried about the man developing feelings. People often choose something that they see as impossible in order to prevent themselves from actually being able to obtain it. 3
Spark1111 Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 Hobsgirl, you unfortunately exemplify a large percentage of OW; those who fear true intimacy so select MM, are unwilling to self-sacrifice for a real relationship, are secretly thrilled to best another woman and exhibit narcissistic tendencies in that you adore the superficial attention and shallow ego-boosting...NSA. I feel that unless you change your demands and allow yourself the gift of a truly committed relationship and all the glory, often uncomfortable mess that goes with it, you will forever be filling your needs....at your convenience...superficially....and never know TRUE intimacy. Your loss, but so be it. 9
Strength in Healing Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 I have never felt so much pity for someone before. Good luck in life, hobsgirl. 3
eye of the storm Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 Hobsgirl, I completely understand why you got involved with a MM. Same reason I did. I was still shaky from my D, I didn't want anyone telling me what to do or thinking they had any say over me. I didn't want emotions or connections. I just wanted sex. I had a lot of MM hit on me and blew them all out of the water because they were lying to me about the state of their marriage. Then my MM just lightly flirted with me one day, out of the blue, so I asked him point blank. He admitted he was married, said he wasn't looking to change it, his marriage was fine but he just liked OW. He said he had never been faithful to her and wasn't planning on changing it. His honesty to me was appealing. Here is a guy that is unable and unwilling to commit to me. Complete NSA. Oh the lies we tell ourselves. 3+ years later we are still together. I love him. We are amazing friends and have mind blowing sex. I still do not want him to leave his W. I still do not allow him to have a say over my or how I live my life. But, on my side at least, there are emotions and connections. I got caught in a web I made. I have dated other men, he dates other women. (with one exception this was all open and discussed) but we both always seem to come back. His actions and his words never match with me, but that is something he needs to deal with and not my problem. His actions say he loves me his words say he doesn't. I choose to listen to his words. for my sanity I listen to his words. Hobsgirl. When you are with someone as long as you have been, there are emotions. They happen, they develop, they exist. Don't lie to yourself, accept them, deal with them. Stay with him or don't but be honest about it. As to BSs...my MM's BW sounds like a good person. He makes it sound like she is a good wife, mother, and friend to him. Why he cheats on her I don't know. It is none of my business. If they ever have a DDay, she will have every right to talk about how she was the perfect spouse. And I will have to take every bit of heat for my part in her betrayal. 3
forbidden_love Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 I think some BSs talk like that to make themselves feel good and to try and rile up confrontations with OW. BUT OW sometimes talk about being the perfect mistress to make themselves feel good and to try and rile up confrontations with BSs What does it matter how someone builds their self up?? Who really is "perfect". I have never seen a post where someone says they are the perfect mistress :D:D Please point one out so I can read it????
gettingstronger Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 I have never seen a post where someone says they are the perfect mistress :D:D Please point one out so I can read it???? There are several posters that claim to be saving their poor pitiful MM from their wretched wives- Its all so silly and brings me back to- why do we allow men to define us so much?
QuakerOats Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 No affair is full proof.... I discovered something by pure accident. It was not something concrete but my gut and this vague but persistent feeling came together. The thing is the signs are there but in a trusting relationship it can be explained away. Life can be stressful, people are working hard, that's normal. I hired a PI, and acted as normal as possible. It was hard. My husband sensed I was off, but in the same way he had fooled me I had fooled him. He believed my red eyes and stuffy nose was a cold...truth was I couldn't stop crying. Within just over a week i had hard undeniable proof, and I discovered more about the OW than my husband even knew about her. Are you still with him?
peaksandvalleys Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 I read on another infidelity forum that is not fond of other women, to say the least. At least once every few weeks a betrayed starts a thread about how they were the perfect spouse, sex all the time, clean house, cooked meals, raised great kids, affectionate, adored and doted on their husbands, they sound very perfect on the internet. One was posted today and I think if any spouse were that perfect it would have to be a lie, after all, nobody does everything perfectly. Why do betrayed women need this pretend perfectionism if the affair is not about them, but about the broken wayward spouse and affair partner? Perhaps they do not want to see themselves as broken as those they blame for the affair, and thus, feel the need to make themselves feel superior? I can answer for me. I am not perfect. I am no where near perfect. I considered having an affair myself because my needs were not being met. I came here and a couple of other sites and read as much as I could. But I did all the things you listed in addition to running a business that he wanted. I am a good mother but I made mistakes with the kids. I was a good wife but I made mistakes as tends to happen in the number of years that we were married. I kept the house as clean as you can with kids coming and going while holding down a job. I didn't always cook and I don't believe that is a crime nor a necessity. We had sex frequently, it wasn't always the best for me but if he got what he needed I was okay with that. I have an illness that sometimes affects my energy levels and there is pain sometimes but that didn't stop the sex. I didn't dote on him but I don't dote on anyone. That isn't my personality. I was as affectionate as he would allow and probably when I was irritated I was didn't care one way or the other whether he received my affection. Was I so bad that he had lie to me for years. Bring me a disease and possibly a child? Did I have to be perfect for him to just tell me he didn't want to be with me? Did I have to be perfect for him to respect our family or my health? Did I have to be perfect to be treated as a human being who had to right to make decisions about their life? Did I have to be perfect NOT to be used financially and emotionally? One thing I can tell you is he is broken and I made sure what wasn't broken in him when he started the affair was not only broke but destroyed when that affair ended. And in my mind, today and probably for a long time, I am superior to the them both. 6
Arieswoman Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 Betrayed wives are the perfect women I can't speak for all BSs but in the case of those few BSs I know and myself we don't claim to be 'perfect' and never have done. What I am sure of is, that all of us worked out backsides off for the marriage/husband and the children that we had. If we had had one, just one indication from our WS that they were unhappy - and wanted us to put our efforts into a different area/areas - we would have done that gladly. But our WS chose to stay silent, which says a lot more about them than about us. 1
Author hobsgirl Posted April 16, 2014 Author Posted April 16, 2014 Hobsgirl, you unfortunately exemplify a large percentage of OW; those who fear true intimacy so select MM, are unwilling to self-sacrifice for a real relationship, are secretly thrilled to best another woman and exhibit narcissistic tendencies in that you adore the superficial attention and shallow ego-boosting...NSA. I feel that unless you change your demands and allow yourself the gift of a truly committed relationship and all the glory, often uncomfortable mess that goes with it, you will forever be filling your needs....at your convenience...superficially....and never know TRUE intimacy. Your loss, but so be it. I don't fear intimacy, and at this point in my life it would not be a gift. I have other goals I am working to achieve inline with a career and hobbies. I adjust my goals and what is necessary for my life based on my aspirations. If I were narcissistic I would not care if the BW found out, and I would not do the necessary things to keep it from happening. I do not want her to get hurt, so I mitigate the risk as much as I am able. I also realize how delicate the situation is and know it could change in an instant.
Author hobsgirl Posted April 16, 2014 Author Posted April 16, 2014 And in my mind, today and probably for a long time, I am superior to the them both. Anybody who believes they are superior to another person, is not. Just as anybody who wishes the *karma bus* on another person only brings bad karma to themselves.
ctxinfl Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 My ex never initiated sex. She didn't work. She barely cleaned. She never cooked. She never made an effort to make herself attractive. She constantly complained about everything. She still cheated and blamed it on me. Some people are just delusional in thinking they are the best the world has to offer. 6
KaliLove Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 I don't fear intimacy, and at this point in my life it would not be a gift. I have other goals I am working to achieve inline with a career and hobbies. I adjust my goals and what is necessary for my life based on my aspirations. If I were narcissistic I would not care if the BW found out, and I would not do the necessary things to keep it from happening. I do not want her to get hurt, so I mitigate the risk as much as I am able. I also realize how delicate the situation is and know it could change in an instant. Not true. You clearly only care about the BS finding out because YOU don't want the hassle, not because you care if she gets hurt. That is true narcissism. 7
janedoe67 Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 BW's may not be perfect. They also aren't lying, cheating, or invading a marriage. 9
todreaminblue Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 (edited) never was perfect but i did all those things for my ex ......amid hospital visits........i think there would be more women questioning what they did wrong than claim perfection.....with me.......i know what i did wrong in the relationship that i could have changed...the first thing was to stay in it.......to not insert boundaries and to accept and forgive beyond my call of duty...matyr myself beyond my maxed out limits and feelings of worthlessness and be sure i was deserving of no better treatment.....i might be a betrayed spouse her did her best by him.......i dont believe stepford wives exist anymore......no woman is p[efect but you can be perfect for someone with hardly any sweat...hah even stepford wives went nuts...goes to show perfection is an eternal prinicipal...you never achieve it not in this life.....its the hroizon you aim for....to be the best you can be...god knows what that best is.......you dont have to answer anyone else about what you believe you are or who you are or if you did you best you know it..........god knows that is what counts....and if you do your best, eventually even your exes will say hey you were good to me.......you are a good mum and i love you because you had my children and stuck by me...yep i got that from my exes who i had kids to...still friends with them because they know i am special and appreciate me.....as a window licker who does her best who they love but are not right for Edited April 16, 2014 by todreaminblue 2
ThatMan Posted April 17, 2014 Posted April 17, 2014 (edited) Anybody who believes they are superior to another person, is not. I completely agree with you hobsgirl.I sometimes like to think of different people as boxes. Keeping certain boxes in your daily life might feel uplifting. While other boxes ruin your self-esteem, no matter how briefly. The best thing to do with these sort of boxes is to ship them away. People are who they are. It isn't our job to judge them, we cannot change them, we didn't cause them to be this way, and all we may do is determine if their very presence is right for us as individuals. In what way does your selfishness, lies, intrusion into other relationships influence other people? No matter how people react to your behavior doesn't make them better or worse. It only means they value their own happiness and would rather be without you than include you in any meaningfully intimate way - your own affair partner among them. Edited April 17, 2014 by ThatMan 1
Artie Lang Posted April 19, 2014 Posted April 19, 2014 If I were narcissistic I would not care if the BW found out, and I would not do the necessary things to keep it from happening. I do not want her to get hurt, so I mitigate the risk as much as I am able. wrong! if you really did care, you wouldn't be ****ing her husband in the first place; or anybody else's husband for that matter. 6
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