hobsgirl Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 I read on another infidelity forum that is not fond of other women, to say the least. At least once every few weeks a betrayed starts a thread about how they were the perfect spouse, sex all the time, clean house, cooked meals, raised great kids, affectionate, adored and doted on their husbands, they sound very perfect on the internet. One was posted today and I think if any spouse were that perfect it would have to be a lie, after all, nobody does everything perfectly. Why do betrayed women need this pretend perfectionism if the affair is not about them, but about the broken wayward spouse and affair partner? Perhaps they do not want to see themselves as broken as those they blame for the affair, and thus, feel the need to make themselves feel superior? 1
notserene Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 I'm not sure why BS's do that. the affair isn't about them, it is about the cheater. 2
wanting more Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 I think some BSs talk like that to make themselves feel good and to try and rile up confrontations with OW. BUT OW sometimes talk about being the perfect mistress to make themselves feel good and to try and rile up confrontations with BSs What does it matter how someone builds their self up?? Who really is "perfect". 7
gettingstronger Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 It goes both ways I think. The majority of all of us no matter what part of the triangle we occupy are pretty grounded , hurt but grounded. The bigger question I think we all share is why do we allow our relationships to define us so. My goal since this has all happened is to be a better me no matter what comes my way, I know I can handle it. Why do you search out forums you know will anger you? What do you have to gain by that ? 7
Woggle Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 Nobody is perfect but most of the time they are good women who don't deserve to be crapped be a man who doesn't appreciate what many men would love to have. The same goes for betrayed men. 15
Tullyseptember Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 When I read what you wrote I didnt think those statements were saying anything about being perfect. From my view if I was saying those things it would be because I would be thinking I'm contributing to our life together, we each had our piece that we agreed to take on and share the burden of a busy life and I enjoyed our time intimately as a way of bonding because life goes so fast. I would think how did our agreement for a good life together take such an detour. How come I wasn't let in on the fact that this agreement changed to bring another person in without my consent and knowledge? Sure it's tough to read all sides of affair views, they are helpful though if you keep an open mind to see beyond your own hurt and gain perspective of why and how another person feels in the same situation but on different sides of the fence:) 5
veritas lux mea Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 There is nothing like someone else's failings that make our own strengths look even better. I know compared to me my husband looks pretty damn perfect. He has of course his own failings and weaknesses but he didn't betray me so...? I failed the marriage not him. And while failing it I got all twisted in my thinking and without even realizing changed some history. Even if my husband had been a selfless ass he wouldn't have deserved me cheating. And even if he had cheated it wouldn't have made my cheating okay. I think the real question is why does someone who knowingly gets involved with a person who is breaking his promise and lying to his wife care about the wife at all? Whether she is a tyrant or a saint? It doesn't make their own behaviour any better or worse. Off the internet there is this random mindset that if a man or woman is being pleased at home they will not stray. So pile that guilt on to a woman who has just found out the person sleeping next to her is carrying on with another woman sometimes for years and of course she might feel the need to amplify her good qualities. She feels like crap and her spouse might be trying to blame her for his own selfish actions. No one is perfect. But some people are better behaved than others. 12
Spark1111 Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 All great posts here..... And here's the thinking common to those who find themselves newly betrayed by someone who they REALLY loved and trusted: What, O WHAT did I do wrong to have them betray me....and WHY, O WHY did they NEVER tell me? And a good IC, like I had, will try to kick your azz 6 ways to Sunday, to get you to stop beating yourself up, explain PTSD and tell you it is a NATURAL and protective response to the betrayal of a loved one, and then calmly explain that many a person, Ina TRULY miserable, sexless and even abusive marriage NEVER cheats on their spouse. Imagine that? So as you deal with the betrayal, the lies, and the AP who bought them hook, line and sinker, your mind, heart and stomach reeling....YOU REFLECT...and trying to figure out WHAT you did wrong and when.... And often, you come up with NOTHING, or NOT MUCH.....You examine your interactions, your sex life, your shared joys and your arguments....and you really cannot find one specific conversation where they disclosed a specific marriage-ending deal breaker or complaint.... Oh yeah, they complained, but it was vague and obscure. Not once can I recall a statement that if I didn't do A, B, or C....he would have to go outside the marriage to have that specific need met. So DDAY hits and you do an internal inventory and I think it is common to start to list and extoll ALL you did right. Human nature protecting itself. 11
Author hobsgirl Posted April 16, 2014 Author Posted April 16, 2014 I'm not hurt by reading at infidelity sites. I read them to learn ways to make sure the MM I date do not get caught. I do not need a betrayed wife breathing down my neck. I bring this up as one of many double standards I see when BS talk about affairs. When WS talk about the marriages not meeting needs/wants, it is called *rewriting* marital history, but when a BS talks about how they met all the needs/wants of their spouse it is taken as truth. We all know it is bunk, but nobody wants to make the BS more hurt/uncomfortable than they already are. I choose dating relationships with MM because I do not want a man getting too serious with me. I am not at a point in my life where I need or want the hassle of a committed relationship, and most times a relationship feels that niche. At the same time I wish to be discreet and not have the wife discover the affair, for all parties involved. Thus, I read at 3-4 infidelity sites to keep up with ways to keep us *off the grid* per se. I do not get hurt/anxious/annoyed/feel guilty from reading what I read. I am at peace with my choices and who I am. I am also all about risk management. Do I think I am the perfect mistress, most definitely not. I prefer to run the relationship and keep it casual. I have been with my current MM for closing in on three years and we do quite well together. I have no interest in him leaving his family and his no interest in me changing my life for him. We are a good fit.
Spark1111 Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 I'm not hurt by reading at infidelity sites. I read them to learn ways to make sure the MM I date do not get caught. I do not need a betrayed wife breathing down my neck. I bring this up as one of many double standards I see when BS talk about affairs. When WS talk about the marriages not meeting needs/wants, it is called *rewriting* marital history, but when a BS talks about how they met all the needs/wants of their spouse it is taken as truth. We all know it is bunk, but nobody wants to make the BS more hurt/uncomfortable than they already are. I choose dating relationships with MM because I do not want a man getting too serious with me. I am not at a point in my life where I need or want the hassle of a committed relationship, and most times a relationship feels that niche. At the same time I wish to be discreet and not have the wife discover the affair, for all parties involved. Thus, I read at 3-4 infidelity sites to keep up with ways to keep us *off the grid* per se. I do not get hurt/anxious/annoyed/feel guilty from reading what I read. I am at peace with my choices and who I am. I am also all about risk management. Do I think I am the perfect mistress, most definitely not. I prefer to run the relationship and keep it casual. I have been with my current MM for closing in on three years and we do quite well together. I have no interest in him leaving his family and his no interest in me changing my life for him. We are a good fit. But hobsgirl, I say this gently, if and when his wife, his family, find out, and MOST affairs are discovered, there will be hell to pay with crying, anger, emotions, revenge, retribution and consequences. What is fulfilling your needs is at the potential devastation of another, and please trust me, that devastation could have profound effects upon you, your life and even your livelihood. That same MM who lies to his wife, will have no compunction about lying to his wife about you. YOU will be painted the villain, pursuer, in a heartbeat. Why and what are you choosing to do here for a FWB, sometime, not too demanding, NSA relationship with a MM? It's a HUGE risk for someone you claim to be not so emotionally attached to. 3
wanting more Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 Wouldn't if be easier if you just had a FWB relationship. Single man, single girl who have sex and small talk. Them you wouldn't have to read infidelity forums on how to not get caught 7
hoping2heal Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 It could just be a way for the person to deal with the trauma of what they have been through. I'm sure not all BWs are one size fits all. Some BW's might suspect their husband is a cheater, some may never have so they are so completely blindsided by learning of the affair. Having your trust corrupted is damaging to people. It damages children and adults alike in varying degrees. You're right that no one is perfect. I don't always agree with every method I hear BS's using to cope with what's been done to them against their will, but it might just be what gets a person over the hump. I chuckled a bit at your statement about affairs being about the broken spouse and affair partner, you're exactly right. But, what is funny is how many OW claim if the wife wasn't "doing her job" so to speak then the husband wouldn't have cheated. Oh how many times have I heard about the poor, neglected, abandoned husband. :laugh::laugh::laugh: 2
Artie Lang Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 are you saying you date married men because you don't want to be tied down in a committed relationship? now, i've heard it all. 11
whichwayisup Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 Wouldn't if be easier if you just had a FWB relationship. Single man, single girl who have sex and small talk. Them you wouldn't have to read infidelity forums on how to not get caught I was gonna say that. There are tons of single guys who want sex and no commitment. Many men are very good at separating love and sex, no strings attached. 2
Author hobsgirl Posted April 16, 2014 Author Posted April 16, 2014 Wouldn't if be easier if you just had a FWB relationship. Single man, single girl who have sex and small talk. Them you wouldn't have to read infidelity forums on how to not get caught I have tried the FWB with single men. It has never worked, due to them getting too emotional and clingy. Sparks1111 - I understand the risk I take as far as him turning on me if we are caught. I know he will stand with his wife and I am fine with that. I also know she could create problems for me. I do my best to mitigate the chance of getting caught so we do not hurt his wife.
jwi71 Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 Thus, I read at 3-4 infidelity sites to keep up with ways to keep us *off the grid* per se. What have you learned? 1
Popsicle Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 I find both BS's and AP's to be utterly absurd when they go around talking about how much better they are than the other person. I doubt it! 2
whichwayisup Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 I have been with my current MM for closing in on three years and we do quite well together. I have no interest in him leaving his family and his no interest in me changing my life for him. We are a good fit. Let me ask if it's okay? Let's say tomorrow he tells you he wants out, wants to end the A. Would you totally be okay with that? Do you have any feelings for him? Sorry but unless you have no emotions involved, which I doubt after 3 years of having an affair, you on some level are committed to him. Unless you see other mm as well and have a string of guys with no strings attached. 4
Mickey1982 Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 I have tried the FWB with single men. It has never worked, due to them getting too emotional and clingy. Sparks1111 - I understand the risk I take as far as him turning on me if we are caught. I know he will stand with his wife and I am fine with that. I also know she could create problems for me. I do my best to mitigate the chance of getting caught so we do not hurt his wife. I would have thought my exMM was the most careful person on the planet. I used to tease him for being paramoid. He had a d-day 12 weeks ago......... 3
hoping2heal Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 I'm not hurt by reading at infidelity sites. I read them to learn ways to make sure the MM I date do not get caught. I do not need a betrayed wife breathing down my neck. I bring this up as one of many double standards I see when BS talk about affairs. When WS talk about the marriages not meeting needs/wants, it is called *rewriting* marital history, but when a BS talks about how they met all the needs/wants of their spouse it is taken as truth. We all know it is bunk, but nobody wants to make the BS more hurt/uncomfortable than they already are. I choose dating relationships with MM because I do not want a man getting too serious with me. I am not at a point in my life where I need or want the hassle of a committed relationship, and most times a relationship feels that niche. At the same time I wish to be discreet and not have the wife discover the affair, for all parties involved. Thus, I read at 3-4 infidelity sites to keep up with ways to keep us *off the grid* per se. I do not get hurt/anxious/annoyed/feel guilty from reading what I read. I am at peace with my choices and who I am. I am also all about risk management. Do I think I am the perfect mistress, most definitely not. I prefer to run the relationship and keep it casual. I have been with my current MM for closing in on three years and we do quite well together. I have no interest in him leaving his family and his no interest in me changing my life for him. We are a good fit. Do you read this back to yourself a few times a day, hoping that eventually what you say will ring true for you? Now, I get that maybe there are women who are 100% self-serving and do not care about anyone but themselves and their needs, void of empathy for others. Yes, I am not surprised to learn those types are out there. But, the fact that it actually got under your skin about these women (and don't bother saying it didn't. You made a thread about it, while trying to claim you're completely casual and unattached. 2 and 3 do not make 4) says there actually is an emotional attachment for you and I wouldn't be surprised if there wasn't a bit of resentment towards your AP's wife. I understand affairs are all about being deceitful, but why try to deceive yourself? Rhetorical question. 4
wanting more Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 I have tried the FWB with single men. It has never worked, due to them getting too emotional and clingy. Sparks1111 - I understand the risk I take as far as him turning on me if we are caught. I know he will stand with his wife and I am fine with that. I also know she could create problems for me. I do my best to mitigate the chance of getting caught so we do not hurt his wife. I really hope you're wrong about single men becoming clingy.
whichwayisup Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 I really hope you're wrong about single men becoming clingy. She is going after the wrong type of single guys then. Players, guys who never let their emotions get involved do NOT ever get clingy. Guys who just want fun and casual sex do NOT ever get attached or clingy. My H's friend is like this. Nice man but don't ever get serious about him, he'll walk away in a heartbeat. 5
woinlove Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 Why do betrayed women need this pretend perfectionism if the affair is not about them, but about the broken wayward spouse and affair partner? Perhaps they do not want to see themselves as broken as those they blame for the affair, and thus, feel the need to make themselves feel superior? Why would a betrayed spouse see themselves as broken as someone who chooses to have a deceptive affair? I doubt that has anything to do with it. They may or may not have a biased view of themselves and their actions, but I don't see why it would have anything to do with viewing themselves as broken in the way a WS is unless the BS is also having an affair. Curious as to what you were thinking with this part. 6
Author hobsgirl Posted April 16, 2014 Author Posted April 16, 2014 What have you learned? Beware of key loggers, use prepaid phone, secret email accessed through prepaid phone only, use cash only, and many other spy secrets. The betrayed spouse will rarely leave even after multiple DDays. The WS can easily talk themselves back into the good graces of the BS if they know what to say and how to say it. WS will not leave the marriage most times after being caught. Most will also do the bare minimum to get their BS back, most marriages *do not divorce* but very few actually *reconcile* into a happy and healthy marriage. Many BS give empty ultimatums and threats after DDay (multiple DDay) and just as many WS are willing to call their bluff. No person in the affair triangle (hexagon?) are perfect. Many WS and BS stay for reasons other then love, ie finances, kids, appearances, family and religious reasons. Mistresses have been called whores if they are taken on dates or money is spent in any way. If that is true, any BS (or WS) that stays for financial reasons is also a whore (man or woman).
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