No Limit Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 Trust, betrayal, and learning to trust again. It hurt me enough when my former best friend hurt me, especially the way she did it. The pain betrayed people who actually loved feel is a bit beyond my imagination, although I dare say I was pretty close. My case wasn't the classic "Oh no she's hanging out with a boy I like I hate her now!"-kid-thing, it was an extreme situation and today I don't blame her. I feel sorry that her old-self died, but even if I had forgiven her back then I have no clue what to do with her new-self. Disgusting.
Journee Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 I always knew the world was cruel and cold. I had seen and been through some pretty disturbing things growing up. Which definitely affected the type of men I chose. I met my H a decade ago as a teen. I ignored plenty of red flags wanting to escape into the R. Several OW later and now my own descent into post A hell. I see the very unhealthy dynamics in relationships and marriages that people may not even recognize while in the midst of it all. I have also learned that it isn't the end of the world. Not even my own little world. I have learned I can even love again. I learned there are more gray and shadowy areas in life than I originally accepted. I also am humbled. See, most people are their own worst enemies, including myself. Life is still beautiful. My children are healthy. My faith in my God is tenfold.
hard2c Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 well... Think that we're all hard wired to have an affair. Honesty is what separates two cheaters and rebuilds trust. I argue that matters of trust occupy an enormous amount of our mental energies and influence, directly or indirectly, practically every aspect of our everyday lives. We confront questions of whether to risk it. So while it’s true that we turn our attention to many complex problems throughout our lives, finding the answers to most doesn’t usually involve navigating the treacherous landscape of our own and others’ competing desires. Therefore in order to earn trust the infidel must state their goals and desires and how it relates to your relationship.
Author purplesorrow Posted April 16, 2014 Author Posted April 16, 2014 I don't know why you should keep their secret. The power is in the secrecy of the behavior. Outing him could be a factor in helping him see his loses. Did I change? Heck yeah, now that I understand the reasons for his behavior, I'm determined to live the best life possible. Sure I have bad moments at times but they are getting better. I have a list and all this man did was to hold me back. Never settling again. I've got more to do than to concern myself about who he sleeps with. He has completely changed. He is very remourseful and has work hard at becoming better man than what he had allowed himself to become while in the affair. As for her, no idea really. She did call and apologize and I wished her well. The only reason to out it would be to shame them, I'm just not built that way.
Author purplesorrow Posted April 16, 2014 Author Posted April 16, 2014 I don't know why you should keep their secret. The power is in the secrecy of the behavior. Outing him could be a factor in helping him see his loses. Did I change? Heck yeah, now that I understand the reasons for his behavior, I'm determined to live the best life possible. Sure I have bad moments at times but they are getting better. I have a list and all this man did was to hold me back. Never settling again. I've got more to do than to concern myself about who he sleeps with. He has completely changed. He is very remourseful and has worked hard at becoming better man than what he had allowed himself to become while in the affair. As for her, no idea really. She did call and apologize and I wished her well. The only reason to out it would be to shame them, I'm just not built that way.
dichotomy Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 It has certainly opened my eyes, and made me question my own long held beliefs. In both positive and not so positive ways i am a different person now. I think I might live my life differently if I had to do it over again, but I am moving forward.
compulsivedancer Posted April 16, 2014 Posted April 16, 2014 H says his worldview is completely different now. He had to reexamine his beliefs about friendship, relationships and humanity. Many of his beliefs about humanity he had originally formed in conversation with OM, which added an extra sting and required extra re-examination. For me, no I don't think my worldview is different per se, but my thoughts and understandings about relationships have certainly changed.
suckerpunch55 Posted April 19, 2014 Posted April 19, 2014 Yes very much so, before my wife's affair I tended to take people at their word and would trust people unless I had a very good reason to think otherwise, but now I find myself being so cynical about everyone and everything, I know I shouldn't but.....
cocorico Posted April 19, 2014 Posted April 19, 2014 The A didn't change my world view, but it did change my view about love and M. I'd dismissed both before.
Appreciate Posted April 19, 2014 Posted April 19, 2014 Yep. Worldview changed completely. What normally happened to "other people" happened to me. My parents are married, all of my friends are married and I didn't have divorced people in my close circle. It certainly taught me a lot about the manipulative nature of people, and a dark side I had not witnessed before. In the sense that I had always avoided people who had shady character.
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