lukekarts Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 I'll open with the question I want to ask - am I being unreasonable here? The Context So I'm 30, I race cars, not often, only 6 or 7 times a year but it's my hobby and a very important part of my life. My girlfriend of 7 months has never really had an interest in motorsports but the season starts soon. Anyway, despite me saying its important to me, she doesn't want to come to watch me and seems to find anything else to do to come up with an excuse not to come, and kinda brushes it off as 'its your thing that you do' Now my previous experience has been that girlfriends have been interested and supportive (as I would be with their hobbies, if it was important to them and important for me to be around). So when I said I was disappointed with her approach and that she was not willing to compromise it just got me into trouble. So back to my original question - am I being unreasonable? (I guess both in being disappointed and wanted her to come along?)
Emilia Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 She probably finds it boring, do you think it's reasonable to expect her to do something that bores her? Why is it so important to you? You aren't being unreasonable as such, people like to share experiences, I just don't tend to involve a guy in things he doesn't care about. Why does it matter to you? It's only 6 or 7 times a year. 3
darkmoon Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 having sat thru the Monaco grand prix on TV, hearing the cars go round and round the track, well, you can prolly guess what I will say
gaius Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 having sat thru the Monaco grand prix on TV, hearing the cars go round and round the track, well, you can prolly guess what I will say Once was enough? Do you do anything for her that you really don't enjoy doing? If she's not returning the favor then you have a right to be upset, if you just expect her to come watch cars go around and around and around in a circle over and over and over again because you're dating then your expectations are probably a little high. 1
Shepp Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 As a guy here, I'm going to disagree with the ladies above I'm afraid! I think she's being totally unreasonable! Even if she lent support the sport she old be supporting you! Even if she doesn't go every single time! We all do things that arent our favourite at times. I guess my point of view is that sport is that if your going to take an intrested in soemone else's life and really knw them, you need to attempt to ake an intrested in the things they love. I think it's reasoable to ask her to cone at least once, or at least give you proper reason why not as opposed to jst brushing it of? Would she be chill with you brushing off dinner with her family? Or I dunno, whatever hobby she has, going to see her pick up a photography award or something? Dunno, just a different point of view or you! Soe coupes manage leading almost totally seperate lives really well, my own sister being an example, but it's not something I could do! 2
Author lukekarts Posted April 15, 2014 Author Posted April 15, 2014 Once was enough? Do you do anything for her that you really don't enjoy doing? If she's not returning the favor then you have a right to be upset, if you just expect her to come watch cars go around and around and around in a circle over and over and over again because you're dating then your expectations are probably a little high. Yeah I do. And I suppose the way I phrased it wasn't quite right - I'm not especially bothered about the race itself (Which is 40 minutes long) but the time of the day either side of it that I'd spend with her or if I do well that I'd like to celebrate it (with her). But thanks for the input so far.
Emilia Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 As a guy here, I'm going to disagree with the ladies above I'm afraid! I think she's being totally unreasonable! Even if she lent support the sport she old be supporting you! Even if she doesn't go every single time! We all do things that arent our favourite at times. I guess my point of view is that sport is that if your going to take an intrested in soemone else's life and really knw them, you need to attempt to ake an intrested in the things they love. I think it's reasoable to ask her to cone at least once, or at least give you proper reason why not as opposed to jst brushing it of? Would she be chill with you brushing off dinner with her family? Or I dunno, whatever hobby she has, going to see her pick up a photography award or something? Dunno, just a different point of view or you! Soe coupes manage leading almost totally seperate lives really well, my own sister being an example, but it's not something I could do! I suppose my view is that I would hate it if someone came along to something he thought was an absolute bore just to support me. It's not that people need to be entertained in my company 100% of the time, it's more that the idea of him doing something that he has to make himself do just doesn't sit well with me. I get what you are saying OP that it's not the race itself but the day before or after. Maybe you hang out with the racing crowd in those days and she doesn't know what to say? The race itself would interest me because even if it's just cars going around, obviously one of them would have my man in it. Not sure I could talk to 'petrol heads' (sorry but for emphasis) over dinner for hours on end though. Just a perspective. 1
gaius Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 Yeah I do. And I suppose the way I phrased it wasn't quite right - I'm not especially bothered about the race itself (Which is 40 minutes long) but the time of the day either side of it that I'd spend with her or if I do well that I'd like to celebrate it (with her). But thanks for the input so far. You sure about that? If you're only doing it 6-7 times a year what's the big deal if it's mostly about her spending time with you? I had one girlfriend who I took to a baseball game and boy did she make me pay for it. Didn't even make it through the first inning before the punishment started. It was a bit of a bummer she wasn't into pleasing me on that level. But I guess that's the price you pay for dating a non-submissive woman.
angel.eyes Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 I play a lot of tennis. I've invited my boyfriend a few times to matches. He'll call right after my games to see how they went, but he doesn't come. I don't really care either way. For me, we spend enough time together. I don't need him present everywhere I go. If it's critical to you that your girlfriend be at your races, then you aren't compatible since she doesn't want to go. But is that really worth losing a relationship over? Do you do everything she asks or wants? Please make sure you hold yourself to the same standard you demand of your partner.
thefooloftheyear Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 I suppose my view is that I would hate it if someone came along to something he thought was an absolute bore just to support me. It's not that people need to be entertained in my company 100% of the time, it's more that the idea of him doing something that he has to make himself do just doesn't sit well with me. I get what you are saying OP that it's not the race itself but the day before or after. Maybe you hang out with the racing crowd in those days and she doesn't know what to say? The race itself would interest me because even if it's just cars going around, obviously one of them would have my man in it. Not sure I could talk to 'petrol heads' (sorry but for emphasis) over dinner for hours on end though. Just a perspective. This is the point... Be happy she doesnt make you give it up...I wouldnt want someone going to one of these events if they are bored out of their skulls... We do the same thing here....Of my crew of guys, there is only one woman that comes out, She is a tiny little thing, but she is hardcore and actually drives the car(she kicks just about all of the guys asses, too!)...We spend the entire weekend working on our junk, talking shop, swapping parts, etc....Most women are going to be bored to tears.. Dont force someone to want to do something they dont want to do...Most women love to spend hours in a shopping mall....Id rather be stoned to death... TFY
Shepp Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 I suppose my view is that I would hate it if someone came along to something he thought was an absolute bore just to support me. It's not that people need to be entertained in my company 100% of the time, it's more that the idea of him doing something that he has to make himself do just doesn't sit well with me. I get what you are saying OP that it's not the race itself but the day before or after. Maybe you hang out with the racing crowd in those days and she doesn't know what to say? The race itself would interest me because even if it's just cars going around, obviously one of them would have my man in it. Not sure I could talk to 'petrol heads' (sorry but for emphasis) over dinner for hours on end though. Just a perspective. Yeah I get that I do, I guess...in my mind if you love someone supporting them in something they love should never be a complete bore!even if ou take shopping as an example - hundreds of peope in a confined air conditioned space looking at the same damn thing in an assortment of colours or cuts - is not my bag, not at all, but if I'm with my girlfriend it's okay - there's still a 100 things I'd rather be doing but nevertheless we can havea bit of fun when we're together. I guess it's hard to give advice seperatly from putting yourself in the OP's shoes and tbh, for me, being totally bored/uninterested in me competing in something I loved and worked hard for woud be a dealbreaker - not because that makes soneone a bad person but because of basic incompatibility, sport being a colossal part of my life! I can understand not being intrested in the before/after chatter with folk who are into something your not, but not the not being intrested in your partner competing in something! OP does she know any of your friends who will bein the crowd, or could it be more of a 'she doesn't wanna go and be stood on her own/with folk she doesn't know while your racing'? Maybe see if you can make it more of a day out by getting her to bring some of her friends or something? My fiancée spends very little time at m football matches watching me play football, she spends more of it chatting to my friends on the sidelines but still she's there and that's nice! 1
GorillaTheater Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 My two centavos: I think you're being unreasonable. When I first saw the topic, I thought it was one of those situations (which unfortunately are fairly common), where the gf was pressuring you to give up your hobby. But no, this is just a situation where the gf has no interest in your hobby and wants to do something else, and I get that. Would it be reasonable for your gf to give it a shot once, perhaps finding out that she'd enjoy it more than she thought? Maybe, but by the same token I've never been to one of my wife's "scrap-booking" events, and would rather eat broken glass than be dragged off to one, "fairness" be damned. And as a guy who used to work on the rescue crew at Texas World Speedway and spent long days watching cars go round-and-round, I don't know that I could be dragged off for a day at the races either, unless someone was paying me to be there. Frankly, for me, it gets boring pretty quickly, even with a bunch of funny guys to shoot the sh*t with. It's okay to give your partner space to do their own thing without feeling the need to be a part of it. Healthy, even. 4
Keenly Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 You like this hobby. She doesn't want to go. Making her go to something that she doesn't want to do because you want her there is not compromise, that's you getting what you want, and her getting nothing she wants. Compromise is meeting halfway to a mutual goal, not winning.
2.50 a gallon Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 I am curious as to what you are racing, that only last 40 minutes? It is your life, enjoy it as you please. From one who has been there, wheel to wheel racing is far better than sex.
GorillaTheater Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 I am curious as to what you are racing, that only last 40 minutes? That's a typical time for most amateur events, like the SCCA, unless it's an endurance race.
MissBee Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 She probably finds it boring, do you think it's reasonable to expect her to do something that bores her? Why is it so important to you? You aren't being unreasonable as such, people like to share experiences, I just don't tend to involve a guy in things he doesn't care about. Why does it matter to you? It's only 6 or 7 times a year. That is the point IMO...even if something bores me, if the person I'm with values it, I can support them the 6/7 times a year they do it. It seems incredibly selfish and self-centered to not even try to muster up some interest especially if they've requested your presence. But everyone is different. For me, supporting the people I love, a boyfriend, my future kids, my family members and friends, in things that matter to them are an important part of a good relationship IMO. We all have our thing and no one is asking her to become a fanatic, but to me, someone who will show interest and support you seems a much better partner and person than someone who is rigid and refuses. I know my guy happily does some things simply because he knows I like it. He isn't dying or suffering when he does them so since it won't kill him, he does it. I care, it's a part of my life and he cares about me so no questions asked, he's there. Likewise for him, I do the same. Isn't this the norm in relationships? It is for me and it seems the OP may be of a similar mind so finds a rigid refusal strange. OP, how is she in terms of other things? Does she exhibit a similar kind of selfishness elsewhere or is it only about racing? 1
GoreSP Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 My ex was a car guy. He would drag me to his car events and then leave me alone to go talk about cars with other attendees - which would be fine but at some point, I told him I just didn't want to go anymore. If you would like her to be at your races, perhaps you can pick the 'more important' ones and tell her you would very much like her to attend these specific ones? That looks more like a compromise to me than 'you should attend all my races don't you think?' 1
Quiet Storm Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 I think it's OK to have different hobbies. I also understand that some hobbies take up a lot of time, so it's not realistic to go to every event. But for me, I enjoy taking part in something that my husband loves, even if I don't find it that interesting. My husband loves WWE. It can get quite annoying sometimes, but I think of it like a male soap opera (very similar with all the drama & storylines). Last night, he's in one room watching Raw. And I'm in another room doing my daughter's hair while watching The Voice. So we are each doing our own thing. However, for the past 20 years, whenever Raw or Smackdown comes to town (a few times a year), I am the one painting the signs. I am right there with him in the stands, cheering & booing, screaming "What?", "Woooooo", "Yes!", "Can you smellllll", etc. (you'll have to be a fan to get that). So for me, it's a balance. His interests can't take over my life on a daily basis, but I'll go to the matches because I like seeing him excited & happy.
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