JamesM Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 Turning it all off? Age helps. As for falling out of love with my wife? NO. I can say that the feelings wane now and then, but inside I know that this is still the one I love and no one else has made me feel that way. Another woman? No. Who needs another relationship? OH, and do not give up. The rewards may be few, but they make it all worth it if you love her.
dichotomy Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 A1135 I wrote a long post, and delete it - no point in boring folks here. In addition to my other suggestions earlier (be the man ....) - I would suggest you consider finding a marriage therapist with a specialization in sex therapy. Locate a Professional | AASECT:: American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists My wife and I have been seeing one for a year now. We have dropped the couples work and therapist is now working with wife solo.
Waverly Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 I didn't at the beginning... I tried very hard, but then I came to the conclusion that it's the sad truth. It takes two to revive a relationship. I've given up now... not sure if my wife is aware of it. In fact, the other day she was talking about going back to live in my home country (I'm not from the UK) after the kids have left the nest... that's the last thing I want to do! I didn't say that, obviously, but it just hit me like she really hasn't got the faintest clue... I'm sure she thinks I'm happy... I'm not saying nobody can ever get it back, but I guess it really depends on what you want from the relationship. I'm not happy with just being two parents looking after the children. But she is happy with it. It does take two, and I'm sorry your wife has acted in a way that's caused you to give up. I hope things will change one day for you. That question about what you want from the relationship is a big one. My husband has said at times that he'd settle for a sexless marriage with me, because we're good friends and care for and love one another. But I know it's not what he wants, of course. It's not what I want either. I just worry that once you're far enough down one path, it's sometimes impossible to reverse course. Or, worse, that it was a fundamental mismatch in the first place.
giotto Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 It does take two, and I'm sorry your wife has acted in a way that's caused you to give up. I hope things will change one day for you. That question about what you want from the relationship is a big one. My husband has said at times that he'd settle for a sexless marriage with me, because we're good friends and care for and love one another. But I know it's not what he wants, of course. It's not what I want either. I just worry that once you're far enough down one path, it's sometimes impossible to reverse course. Or, worse, that it was a fundamental mismatch in the first place. I don't think we had a mismatch in the first place. It's the way things developed. Also, really out of my hands, unfortunately. As far as you husband is concerned, well, I'm doing the same, really. No, it's not what I really want, but I care about my wife and my children... I'm not the selfish type...
giotto Posted April 30, 2014 Posted April 30, 2014 Turning it all off? Age helps. As for falling out of love with my wife? NO. I can say that the feelings wane now and then, but inside I know that this is still the one I love and no one else has made me feel that way. Another woman? No. Who needs another relationship? OH, and do not give up. The rewards may be few, but they make it all worth it if you love her. The eternal optimistic... 1
Author A1135 Posted May 1, 2014 Author Posted May 1, 2014 Yeah people dont really do that sort of thing
bubbaganoosh Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 Call Mister Peabody and borrow his way back machine. 2
CarrieT Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 Yeah people dont really do that sort of thing One would hope not... OP, glad you are sticking around for more sane advice than raping your wife!
Author A1135 Posted May 1, 2014 Author Posted May 1, 2014 One would hope not... OP, glad you are sticking around for more sane advice than raping your wife! Yeah not all advice is good advice
Owl6118 Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 Giotto, do you really think this? I admit I don't know your story, but do you really think that once it's gone it's just...gone? I HAVE to believe its not, because that is where we were sliding towards and what I am working on changing.
SJS Posted May 1, 2014 Posted May 1, 2014 Sorry you're going through this OP. At one point I was your wife. After the baby was born, I started disliking physical touch (she was on me all day, then hubby was on me at night...sounds bad, I know...I just lost myself). Then when she got a little older I had a hard time turning off mom mode and getting back into wife mode. Husband detached himself in the process...sounds like you're at this stage. Looking back, I can see when it happened. Eventually, it began to spill over in all areas of our relationship and I detached from him too. What actually turned me around was on another message board, men were saying that they connect through physical intimacy whereas women connect through emotional intimacy. It's a cycle that we had to figure out together and work at. I'm not blaming my husband at all because I know much of this was my issue, but if he would've told me what sex actually meant to him (rather than me just thinking "ugh, sex again!"), I think we could've avoided a lot of wasted time. So my advice is to make sure you communicate that to her, if you haven't yet...I know you work on her emotional connection...she just might not know like I didn't know. And if it makes you feel better...we just celebrated our 13th anniversary (together for 20), our daughter is almost 10, and average about every other to every 2 days in the bedroom now (although we're getting over a week long dry spell from both of us being sick). So yes, you can get it back. 5
Author A1135 Posted May 4, 2014 Author Posted May 4, 2014 So a bit of an update. Had a big discussion about it all last night. Timing want great had planned on waiting to during the day when we were both in good moods, but as we were going to bed it came up after she said something and it all just poured out. Anyway she doesn't feel at all sexy, she says she feels really pressured and that she hates that she is never in the mood and she feels like she is a bad wife and is letting me down. We established that she almost has no sexual thoughts what so ever. Not about me, not about others none. Even if she is alone and tries to have a play, it is forced. The last time we talked she told me about the pressure she is feeling and I backed my efforts right down, and hardly try and do anything that I would call sexual. She says that she doesnt even like wearing nice underwear because she says I will see it and get all turned on and she cant deliver. From our discussion it seams that even when she might get the slightest flicker of being interested when she consciously realizes that she might be getting turned on she shuts it down as she is worried that it will go away anyway and I will be disappointed and upset. All in all sex is the last thing she wants to know about. We have discussed therapy and that is a likely path in the near future. But she has said that while we are still trying to have another child (we have a son, and have some genetic troubles which have seen 4 miss-carriages) that its not much use as she will definitely not want sex.
JamesM Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 But she has said that while we are still trying to have another child (we have a son, and have some genetic troubles which have seen 4 miss-carriages) that its not much use as she will definitely not want sex. Could this be part of the issue as to why she doesn't like sex? 1
Author A1135 Posted May 4, 2014 Author Posted May 4, 2014 Could this be part of the issue as to why she doesn't like sex? It definitely is a big part of the issue I think. All in all she has either been pregnant, recovering from miss carriage, recovering from child birth, or trying to get pregnant almost non-stop for the last 4 yrs. It has been a huge stain on our relationship but we have got through it okay. And I have never pressured for anything during any of these phases. When she was pregnant with our son I sat quietly and didnt comment at all about the 1 time in 12 month period. When sex becomes for procreation rather than fun it becomes very boring and work like
Els Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 In the last few yrs my wife has lost all the sexiness she once had, no more lingerie, no more flirty texts or suggestive comments, no more revealing outfits, no more dressing up or strip dances in the bedroom, etc etc. Sex has always been an issue with us, with her not wanting it as much, and me always being frustrated that it’s always on her terms. This part confuses me: You say sex has 'always been an issue with you'. But yet from the way you describe it (that she used to do all that to begin with), it shouldn't have been an issue at the beginning, yes? Or did you want even more than all of that? I'm glad you're sticking around and trying to make it work, though.
Author A1135 Posted May 4, 2014 Author Posted May 4, 2014 This part confuses me: You say sex has 'always been an issue with you'. But yet from the way you describe it (that she used to do all that to begin with), it shouldn't have been an issue at the beginning, yes? Or did you want even more than all of that? I'm glad you're sticking around and trying to make it work, though. We have always had a miss match in libido, back before we were married (25-27) we used to tell ourselves that my drive will be decreasing and hers is yet to peak but we were very naive. She has never had a large drive in fact i would say its way below average, but she used to have a spark, that thing that you cant put your finger on, the sex appeal, the power to make me weak at the knees with just a look. She used to make me feel desired and wanted occasionally, lol.
giotto Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 and it all just poured out. Anyway she doesn't feel at all sexy, she says she feels really pressured and that she hates that she is never in the mood and she feels like she is a bad wife and is letting me down. We established that she almost has no sexual thoughts what so ever. Not about me, not about others none. Even if she is alone and tries to have a play, it is forced. This sounds very familiar. Unfortunately, it's a no-win situation. My wife compromises, but every time she has to "decide" she is going to have sex. Even so, sometimes she is not in the mood at all. She gets aroused, but not incredibly so. And on these occasions, sex is bad. I don't have a solution for this. I know that my wife has little libido because of the ADs, but it's also a psychological thing. I think individual counselling is the way to go for your wife. Hopefully, she will be prepared to do it. My wide agreed at first and then changed her mind, de facto destroying our marriage. One of the saddest moments of my life. But, hey, I'm not her and I can't change her. Only my future is in my hands and that I can change.
dichotomy Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 But she has said that while we are still trying to have another child (we have a son, and have some genetic troubles which have seen 4 miss-carriages) that its not much use as she will definitely not want sex. So sorry to hear this. This is stressful. Not sure if you are in the United States or not, but if you have the right insurance and money,there is help for this.
SJS Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 It definitely is a big part of the issue I think. All in all she has either been pregnant, recovering from miss carriage, recovering from child birth, or trying to get pregnant almost non-stop for the last 4 yrs. It has been a huge stain on our relationship but we have got through it okay. And I have never pressured for anything during any of these phases. When she was pregnant with our son I sat quietly and didnt comment at all about the 1 time in 12 month period. When sex becomes for procreation rather than fun it becomes very boring and work like Maybe take the pressure off...stop trying for a baby. Doesn't have to be forever (but if it ends up that way, there's nothing wrong with having an only child!). Her hormones haven't had a chance to get and stay at a normal level for any length of time, and in my (non medical) opinion, this is probably a big reason why she's not feeling 'it'. If she's willing to go to therapy though, do it! It definitely can't hurt.
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