He broke up with me but keeps texting to say he's in love with me :(

[citrusgreen]

My boyfriend and I were together for 10 months. 5 of the months were long distance. We've been back in the same city for almost 3 months now. He is significantly younger than me (he's in his late 20s, i'm in my 30s), but we fell deeply in love and had a very special, passionate, intensely loving relationship. This has been the most significant (and longest) relationship he's had. He said that prior to me he was "unable to be in a relationship" (I think he was fairly promiscuous) and "unable to experience 'romantic' feelings". All that seemed to change completely when he met me -- and we had probably most romantic relationships I've ever experienced.

 

There were a few rough spots when he returned from being away, but nothing too bad....it all felt really nice. I have no doubt in my mind that he's very much in love with me. But for 3 Saturday nights in a row, starting 4 weeks ago, we got into a fight. (I'm embarrassed to say the fights were my fault). And each of the 3 fights resulted in him breaking up with me Sunday morning. The first two breakups didn't really "stick" and we were back together within a few days or less (although each time I felt more vulnerable). The final (3rd) breakup though was 8 days ago now, and I really don't understand what is going on. He's been sending multiple texts daily. They are extremely sweet and romantic. Some excerpts examples, so you get the gist: "I'm really in love with you....i miss you so much....i'm always here for you" "....sending every part of my heart...it's hard....everything reminds me of you...." "i miss you....i wish you knew how important you are to me...always...ALWAYS" "I love you...I would die for you...I love every part of you" "This is one of the hardest things I've ever dealt with I think...I love you...I hope you are ok...I'm sorry for writing this or being unfair...but i love you...dream the sweetest dreams" "You are honestly my everything" "you gave me so much happiness when we didn't fight....i love you so much and my heart won't let me feel differently" "this is definitely the hardest thing Ive ever experienced emotionally....i love you...i wish things were easy and life was just fair....i love you....i love you so much".

 

I mean, these texts keep coming in. Even as I'm typing right NOW this just came in: "I love you" "I keep writing essay style texts and then deleting them...i miss you all the time....the shark pool bites so hard without you....i wish so much" [that text gets cut off] and then "Since I've met you...you have introduced me to feelings I've never had....honestly that I thought weren't possible...i love you...."

 

He's been out of town for most of this week, but then came to my house (his idea) Friday night to "take care of me" because I was really sick. We didn't have much time (he arrived late, having just gotten back into town, and then had to leave early Sat morning to visit his dad for the weekend). He was really nice, and like really wanted to sleep in the same bed as...I reluctantly let him (and then changed my mind a few times)...we just cuddled affectionately and were sad together all night, then I wound up deciding at the last second to walk him to his bus (it was a beautiful morning in the city and I walked with him about a mile). He got back into the city very late last night and then leaves tomorrow morning for another 2 weeks!

 

Despite his really nice texts, and tears, etc...I think this time we are really broken up. I'm so devastated...can't eat/can't sleep/can't work....(my usual response to a breakup...it all sucks). I don't know if I should try to convince him to give us another try. For periods during the past 2 weeks he's said things like "i don't know what to do, i just don't know....please, tell me what to do". At a certain point he even said "you have all the power in this." At other times he seems convinced that although we are "made for each other" [his words] that we shouldn't be together. It's all very "tragic" from his perspective. He says that he will ALWAYS "be there" for me."

 

Over the past 4 weeks, when pressed, he's given different reasons for the pseudobreakups/breakups...and he's really all over the place with them, and I can't even tell which are "real" or if they're all just excuses for something else. Here are some of his reasons:

-he can't deal with this much fighting

-the relationship causes him stress

-he "can't be in a relationship"

-concerned that he can't meet my needs/expectation (as I said I'm older than him--but I haven't put any pressure on him)

-talking about how messed up he is and how he can't drag me down with him (he suffers from SEVERE anxiety, also his job/financial prospects are pretty awful right now)

-worried that I just seem to have so much resentment toward him that it's too much for him to bear (he's too sensitive and can't stand the thought of disappointing me)

-he's "scared" (in general/of losing me/of being hurt/of hurting me)

 

The thing is none of his reasons completely make sense to me -- especially in contrast to his ongoing reinforcement of how in love with me he is. I don't think this would have happened if I hadn't fought with him, and yet I don't think the fighting could explain everything.

 

I'm really clueless about how to negotiate this process with him. I don't even know how to respond to the texts he just sent me. Don't know if I should try to see him before he leaves tomorrow (or what I should do if he suggests it). Or if I should initiate no contact?

 

This is the most loving relationship I've ever experienced (or have in a very long time).

 

I personally think that between our respective travel schedules this past month and the "pseudo breakups" that things just got really off-kilter...like a wobbly roller coaster...in better circumstances we could have just spent a few quality days together and everything would have been fine...but it wasn't possible.

 

This is killing me

[bluegreen]

he can't deal with this much fighting

-the relationship causes him stress

-he "can't be in a relationship"

-concerned that he can't meet my needs/expectation (as I said I'm older than him--but I haven't put any pressure on him)

-talking about how messed up he is and how he can't drag me down with him (he suffers from SEVERE anxiety, also his job/financial prospects are pretty awful right now)

-worried that I just seem to have so much resentment toward him that it's too much for him to bear (he's too sensitive and can't stand the thought of disappointing me)

-he's "scared" (in general/of losing me/of being hurt/of hurting me)

 

 

 

 

In all of this I don't see much more then him and his needs.

So until he gets his s... together grows up and matures I say this is it.

Of course you are hurt heart broken and lost we are very sorry about that

But take few giant steps from him and go on and read NC guide it will help immensely if you let it help.

Guy is mess has no clue would he wanna poo or pee and these bread crumbs he keeps throwing at you will be end of you.

 

He broke it off

You make sure not to end up as booty call cause no where in there he said he wants to work it out or get back together.

[citrusgreen]

He sent another text. It says:

I'm frightened to go away [he's leaving town for 2 weeks tomorrow]....i want to be with you all the time....i think about you all the time....i don't know how to deal with this. ...i have never been in love like this before....i blame myself for everything...i'm gonna stop these texts....i'm such a bummer i'm sorry. but seriously i can't stop thinking about you/talking about you....just please know that...not only were you the love of my life...you were and are one of my best friends....someone who knows me so well and i trust completely. please know that.

 

What do I make of this? I haven't responded yet

[KaliLove]

Honestly, he sounds like he's got some serious psychological issues. His words do not convey love to me, they convey obsession. It's possible that he knows that he has an unhealthy attachment to you and he's scared of it.

 

I would walk away. I know it's difficult but I really REALLY do not see this ending well for you. Something about the way you describe him sounds truly off to me..my scalp is prickling as I type this.