loveandwar Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 hello, for those of you who want a quick background, i went out with my ex for 2 years, i am 22, she is 21, it was very serious when we were together and all was great until about 3 months before we broke up when little rows became major issues, and the usual downward spiral occurred, i became clingy and needy, she distanced herself and checked out of the relationship long before i knew. I did the usual begging pleading that we all do when the breakup occurs and you are the one who is dumped, then i gained some courage and self respect and decide to cut all contact, within two weeks we were back together, but inevitably we did not fix our underlying issues, and within two months we were broken up again. History repeated itself and i tried to win her back with begging and pleading, but much sooner this time i went no contact. I was in no contact for over 70 days, and honestly i healed a lot during this time, i am nothing like i was before that time period. i rejoined my sport, regrouped with friends, and for 50-60 days i was content, once the 60 day mark passed i guess i thought i would receive some closure or an attempt from her side at reconciliation, when this never happened, i suppose i began thinking about it again. after 70 days had passed, one night i went for a drive, unfortunately i was lonely and ended up close to my exes house, i ended up driving into her estate which i hadn't seen in many months, and just got courage/stupidity to call her. she answered and i said i was outside, she arrived out and we talked for many hours. we began talking as friends for the next few weeks, but honestly it wasn't the same for me, she seemed quite negative, and i am fully immersed in my sports and college fun, i think she actually may have gotten annoyed at the fact that i was having fun. anyway its about 3 weeks after i have broken no contact, and i can safely say that is has gotten me no closer to moving on, or getting back with my ex. there are many reasons why no contact needs to happen. you can't move on with other things in your life if you use your time thinking about your ex. you will never meet anyone new if all your thoughts are of your ex, and you won't get your ex back from contacting them, and it is really not a good idea to ever consider no contact as a method for them to reach out to you. no contact serves as a platform to begin something new. it doesn't really matter what that is, what matters is that it doesn't involve your ex and all the negativity that looms over your broken relationship. people need time to heal after a breakup. you reconcile to early and the same issues will resurface, your continue to break up and make up and you will never fix the underlying cause for your arguments, and although i don't like the idea of power in relationships, i do believe that once a breakup occurs, the one who dumps has a hell of a lot more power , and therefore should be the one to return/ reach out. any other scenario and you are left wondering is this truly right, the doubts will always be there as to whether this person will dump you again. There comes a time for the dumpee to realise that they are better off where they are now. that living a life with someone who doesn't love you the way you love them is not healthy. that just because they don't see the good side to you doesn't mean it doesn't exist, and that the qualities you have they may not have appreciated but trust me they will notice them missing in future relationships. I am the kind of person who gives too much, and never asks for much in return. i never like to go to bed on an argument, i prefer things to be sorted as soon as possible. the person i met, was someone who could let things slide, let things accumulate and keep them hidden under the rug, this person never realised how much i gave them, be it time,money,affection and love. i don't mind confrontation but i will always Never change who you are to suit someone else. change the person you are with. Trying to be someone you are not to please someone else will end up putting stress on you, the longer you try and keep it up the more the stress will grow. On the other side of this, people don't really change, yes they can change their short term habits, but their character is who they are, and to be honest its not fair to try and change them. i guess this is what i aimed for, i tried to shape my ex to be more like me. I read somewhere that a type a, and type z character combination can go one of two ways (type a and type z being polar opposite characters). say a type a is organised , likes to plan and know where they are going, and a type z is disorganised, mellow and carefree, well these two people can grow together in the first scenario, type a can learn to relax, type z can learn to organise themselves, they become better people for coming together and finding one another, they enable each others best qualities. The second scenario is that they identify their differences as flaws in each others character. type a becomes frustrated by type z's lack or organisation, type z feels pressured by type a. they lose respect for one another and enable each others worst qualities. Be who you want to be, who you really are, if the person you have found is right for you then you will grow together. if things didn't work out this way, then i highly recommend using no contact to heal, and not as a plan to get them back. and when in doubt about breaking contact, trust me when i say it will just slow your progress in moving on and give you no closure and no reconciliation. if they love you they will come back , no matter how you entered no contact, no matter how long it has been. if they didn't/ don't love you, then they won't contact you, it really boils down to that. so use no contact to move on, and better yourself, don't spend your time looking back wondering if the past will change. 4
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