Blu_crush Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 I spent the holidays with my boyfriend; we had a nice holiday dinner with his kids and mine. Prior to the holidays I purchased a decorated Norfolk Pine tree (live tropical plant) and brought it over to bring holiday cheer. It has been 4 months and he may have hinted to me that he is not taking care of it. However, when I gave it to him, he did ask what he needed to do. Now it is 4 months later and he tells me he “doesn’t want plants in his house”, and does not want to be responsible for it/them. This really hurt (and I let him know that) because I had just pruned it for him the previous weekend and he could have mentioned that he didn’t want to take care of the plant then.. or plenty of other opportunities to let me know I should take the plant home or do something else with it AND let me know possibly up front that he is “just not a plant person”. I think the issue for me is trust and his motive..he did say “he just didn’t want to hurt my feelings” SO he is aware that this may hurt me at the very least (did he think telling me later would hurt any less – actually MORE) I am wondering when he will tell me again (months from now) what he does and doesn’t like. I did not know he “hated” plants that much He has also terminated any affection and intimacy back before the holidays as well, claiming that he wants to get closer to “God” and not have intimate relations with me anymore due to that. (I find this interesting in that he does not attend church but does watch a lot of “TV” and YouTube spiritual stuff. What are your thoughts/feedback - is he distancing himself from me?
TXGuy Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 You buried the lead..The 'terminating affection' thing is the real issue. I'll leave that to others to dissect. I'll take the easy one of the plant gift. I don't think you have a good reason to get mad at him if he chooses not to try to keep it alive throughout your relationship. His responsibility to the plant ended after you left at the end of the holidays. He was then free to keep it or throw it out. I find it a bit strange that you expect him to maintain this thing indefinitely as some sort of testament of his affection for you. He at least offered you the plant back, if you really wanted it. If not, then why should he have to keep it cluttering his home. If you really think he has this responsibility (and your relationship survives the big issue), I think he should give you a puppy for the next holiday. :-) 1
Author Blu_crush Posted April 14, 2014 Author Posted April 14, 2014 If you really think he has this responsibility (and your relationship survives the big issue), I think he should give you a puppy for the next holiday. :-) I gave HIM the plant as a gift - to decorate his place up in preparation for the Holiday dinner with his kids and mine. I do not expect him to keep it or anything... God forbid no.. if you aren't a plant person then you aren't.. I totally agree. The issue I think is communication. What hurts is the communication issue and HOW it was presented to me.. I sort of feel "led on" 1.) 4 months later and then "abruptly"--- you couldn't say something sooner? How hard is it to "gently" say.. "I'm just not a plant person" and/or just throw it away.. it was not the first thing he got rid of lol that I did not even mention to him (he got rid of the $50 gift card his daughter gave both of us--it "mysteriously disappeared".. as he was drunk and misplaced it--so he says) 2.) the way he told me "I don't want plants in my house" (really.. after 4 months of keeping it?) Thank you for your feedback.. I do appreciate seeing things from the "male" perspective
Gaeta Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 He stopped having sex with you 4 months ago and your biggest worry is a plant? No sex = no relationship Done - fini - capoute - acabado 5
RonaldS Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 Why not just get him a puppy? Rule #1: if you go into a guy's house and he doesn't have any plants, don't give him a plant. 1
Babolat Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 I spent the holidays with my boyfriend; we had a nice holiday dinner with his kids and mine. Prior to the holidays I purchased a decorated Norfolk Pine tree (live tropical plant) and brought it over to bring holiday cheer. It has been 4 months and he may have hinted to me that he is not taking care of it. However, when I gave it to him, he did ask what he needed to do. Now it is 4 months later and he tells me he “doesn’t want plants in his house”, and does not want to be responsible for it/them. This really hurt (and I let him know that) because I had just pruned it for him the previous weekend and he could have mentioned that he didn’t want to take care of the plant then.. or plenty of other opportunities to let me know I should take the plant home or do something else with it AND let me know possibly up front that he is “just not a plant person”. I think the issue for me is trust and his motive..he did say “he just didn’t want to hurt my feelings” SO he is aware that this may hurt me at the very least (did he think telling me later would hurt any less – actually MORE) I am wondering when he will tell me again (months from now) what he does and doesn’t like. I did not know he “hated” plants that much He has also terminated any affection and intimacy back before the holidays as well, claiming that he wants to get closer to “God” and not have intimate relations with me anymore due to that. (I find this interesting in that he does not attend church but does watch a lot of “TV” and YouTube spiritual stuff. What are your thoughts/feedback - is he distancing himself from me? Prior to Christmas my ex gf kept asking me if I would like a whiteboard in my kitchen to write "To Do's" on or my grocery list. I said No. Well, guess what she gets me for Christmas? I let it sit, still in it's wrapper for 3-4 weeks, then suggested she take it back. She was actually happy and said she could use it.
TXGuy Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 I gave HIM the plant as a gift - to decorate his place up in preparation for the Holiday dinner with his kids and mine. I do not expect him to keep it or anything... God forbid no.. if you aren't a plant person then you aren't.. I totally agree. The issue I think is communication. What hurts is the communication issue and HOW it was presented to me.. I sort of feel "led on" 1.) 4 months later and then "abruptly"--- you couldn't say something sooner? How hard is it to "gently" say.. "I'm just not a plant person" and/or just throw it away.. it was not the first thing he got rid of lol that I did not even mention to him (he got rid of the $50 gift card his daughter gave both of us--it "mysteriously disappeared".. as he was drunk and misplaced it--so he says) 2.) the way he told me "I don't want plants in my house" (really.. after 4 months of keeping it?) Thank you for your feedback.. I do appreciate seeing things from the "male" perspective I agree it was a communication issue and he should have handled it better. My guess is he felt obligated to keep the thing alive and he was having a hard time doing so. Then, in frustration, he said he didn't want plants. But as Gaeta says, why are you worried about a plant (that you don't care about anyway), when he cut you off from sex (and maybe even cuddling, that wasn't perfectly clear). Either was that is at least a glaring red flag and more likely a dealbreaker. 1
spiderowl Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 I can understand the plant thing if he's not to into plants, but he could have said it in some other way and earlier. Regarding the rest, he sounds disconnected from you and it doesn't sound like it's getting any better. Why are you with him? You could meet someone who loves plants, is delighted to have that gift from you and loves to spend time talking with you.
Author Blu_crush Posted April 14, 2014 Author Posted April 14, 2014 (edited) But as Gaeta says, why are you worried about a plant (that you don't care about anyway), when he cut you off from sex (and maybe even cuddling, that wasn't perfectly clear). Either was that is at least a glaring red flag and more likely a dealbreaker. I see you are right..I agree.. since he told me no intimacy (not much cuddling either.. he cannot hardly even kiss me.. guess its against his belief system..way before December 25 (actually before Nov 25) I should NOT have agreed to do Dec 25 at all.. .. several other women were texting him on the Nov 25 holiday he claimed were "friends" Edited April 14, 2014 by Blu_crush clarification
tekkenfan2 Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 I hate to be the bringer of bad news but it sounds like this guy is lying and playing you.
MidwestUSA Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 It took a silly misunderstanding over a plant to bring your deeper issues to light? That tree deserves a spot in a nice pine forest somewhere. (I never had much luck with Norfolk Islands either; not indoors anyway)
Gaeta Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 I read a little of your past history. This man did not want exclusivity with you and admitted to sleep around while dating you. Did you ever get that exclusivity from him? Or your 2 years together were an open relationship? I sincerely hope you were using protection those past 2 years. If you have not I strongly suggest you get a full STD screening. You should consider this relationship over unless your idea of happiness is laying next to a man who won't touch you ever again.
Zahara Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 I read your last thread as well, OP. It's pretty straightforward. The other glaring red flags I'm not sure why you've failed to take notice or didn't want to take notice but a plant you're upset about.
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