Lyn77 Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 Met a man 3 years ago through mutual friends/sports. Finally this past October, he asked for my number, talked to me, texted, saw each other in person at mutual outings, etc. Never an actual date. He quit responding in January (3 months ago) and I got the hint. I was crushed, he is a great guy. I have dated since then but never quite met a guy that measured up to this one. I still see him everywhere in mutual settings, the store, gas station..etc Fast forward to this March. He messages me out of the blue to compliment my brand new car, he saw me driving past. We started talking again, this time more intense on his part. I barely reply, he always initiates because I am afraid of getting the fade out again. What should I do in this case? He has still not asked me on a proper date. I don't want to come out and ask him what his intentions are, although he did ask if I was single. I don't want to scare him off but I really don't have time for chit chat with someone I have no future or possibility with. I feel like maybe now I don't want to talk to him, since I have liked him for so long and it hasn't gone anywhere, maybe I feel like what's the use? I'm in my thirties and would like a relationship, possibly marriage. What are your thoughts? Anyone been in a similar situation?
Grumpybutfun Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 Your title of thread and actual post do not align. Interested or not interested? Hard to tell from the difference in post and title so I will answer both. Do you not want his attentions, if not, tell him and move on. If you do, but are afraid he is going to fade out, let him know so he can explain his behaviors. That way you have more information to work with. Good luck, Grumps 2
soccerrprp Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 Make him do all the work and for goodness sakes, don't put all your eggs in one basket! You're not his first choice. He's been dating and it didn't work out and now coming back to you. MAKE HIM DO ALL THE WORK. MAKE HIM ASK YOU OUT ON A DATE, but remember that he didn't think that you were worth the effort the first time around. 2
mammasita Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 I really don't think you have anything to lose by being straight to the point. He faded once, you're afraid he will again, right? So why would you be afraid of chasing him away by asking.....makes absolutely NO sense because in either scenario you end up with nothing. So just ask, and be abrasive about it. I would, he faded once - who the h3ll does he think he is popping up out of nowhere asking if you're single? 1
Author Lyn77 Posted April 14, 2014 Author Posted April 14, 2014 I really don't think you have anything to lose by being straight to the point. He faded once, you're afraid he will again, right? So why would you be afraid of chasing him away by asking.....makes absolutely NO sense because in either scenario you end up with nothing. So just ask, and be abrasive about it. I would, he faded once - who the h3ll does he think he is popping up out of nowhere asking if you're single? I somewhat agree with you, however, I am hesitant to be abrasive since I will still see him in mutual places, we also have children at the same school.
Author Lyn77 Posted April 14, 2014 Author Posted April 14, 2014 I really don't think you have anything to lose by being straight to the point. He faded once, you're afraid he will again, right? So why would you be afraid of chasing him away by asking.....makes absolutely NO sense because in either scenario you end up with nothing. So just ask, and be abrasive about it. I would, he faded once - who the h3ll does he think he is popping up out of nowhere asking if you're single? How would you advise I ask him? What's a clear cut short way to just come out and ask what his intentions are without sounding desperate?
mammasita Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 I somewhat agree with you, however, I am hesitant to be abrasive since I will still see him in mutual places, we also have children at the same school. So dont be abrasive - just be stern and to the point. Let him know you're not playing games and that either he puts in work or you're not interested. Simple.
HappyLove Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 Do you really want to be with a man who just IGNORED you? Chances are VERY HIGH he will leave you high and dry AGAIN except next time you'd probably be even more hurt because you're even more attached. You've condoned his behavior by just picking back up and communicating with him again as if nothing happened. He now thinks that behavior is acceptable. This guy doesn't ACT like such a great catch. Actions speak louder than words and so far he's dissed you, ignored you, now he's stringing you along. What is so great about him that no one else measured up to? 2
HappyLove Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 Don't waste your time on "men" like this especially when you're getting older and want marriage and children. 'People show you who they are the first time. Believe them'.~Dr Maya Angelou 2
Cunning_Linguist Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 He was dating other women and he nexted you. Things with the other ladies have probably cooled off a bit and now he is coming back to you. I think the fact that he used scarcity to keep you wanting more plays in to your attraction with him. Play the game. Don't give him what he wants easily. Don't be too available. Personally I wouldn't give him a second chance but that's up to you.
tlegend Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 Do you really want to be with a man who just IGNORED you? Chances are VERY HIGH he will leave you high and dry AGAIN except next time you'd probably be even more hurt because you're even more attached. You've condoned his behavior by just picking back up and communicating with him again as if nothing happened. He now thinks that behavior is acceptable. This guy doesn't ACT like such a great catch. Actions speak louder than words and so far he's dissed you, ignored you, now he's stringing you along. What is so great about him that no one else measured up to? What? Ok take a step back. You haven't even been on a date with the guy. You have absolutely nothing you should be complaining about. Want to know why he did the fade out? Because he met someone else. Now that it's over, he's probably getting back into dating again...and remembered talking to a sweet girl before his current ex. So...he messaged you again. You want him to take you out on a date? Drop some hints then. Tell him how you are bored this coming weekend and wish you had plans or something. Tell him how much you've wanted to go to some fair....or whatever. But he doesn't owe you anything, and you don't owe him anything. 3
ja123 Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 he didn't think that you were worth the effort the first time around. This is a deal breaker for me. Even if he came to and finally saw the light, I'd not get over being overlooked the first time. "Hell hath no fury ..." So, I honestly wouldn't bother responding to his texts.
Author Lyn77 Posted April 14, 2014 Author Posted April 14, 2014 What? Ok take a step back. You haven't even been on a date with the guy. You have absolutely nothing you should be complaining about. Want to know why he did the fade out? Because he met someone else. Now that it's over, he's probably getting back into dating again...and remembered talking to a sweet girl before his current ex. So...he messaged you again. You want him to take you out on a date? Drop some hints then. Tell him how you are bored this coming weekend and wish you had plans or something. Tell him how much you've wanted to go to some fair....or whatever. But he doesn't owe you anything, and you don't owe him anything. I agree with you..I am normally pretty direct and to the point when it comes to dating, but with this guy, I guess I am giving him the benefit of the doubt. I don't know why he stopped talking to me. He is a single father raising his kids alone as their mother moved out of state. I empathize with his situation. I don't want to miss out on what could be a good thing. I have suggested we get together twice now, he didn't pick up on it. So I guess I will back off and see what happens.
Chocolat Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 OP, your title is "Got what I wanted, now I don't "want" it?" Can you please clarify what you got and what it is you don't want? From the content of your post, it appears you've never gotten what you wanted and now you are afraid to keep wanting it, but this doesn't jive with your subject line. Clarity would help. 1
Author Lyn77 Posted April 14, 2014 Author Posted April 14, 2014 OP, your title is "Got what I wanted, now I don't "want" it?" Can you please clarify what you got and what it is you don't want? From the content of your post, it appears you've never gotten what you wanted and now you are afraid to keep wanting it, but this doesn't jive with your subject line. Clarity would help. Ok, You're right..not a very good headline for this post. I wanted him to talk to me and initiate, which he is now doing, and I'm not sure I want it now.
Author Lyn77 Posted April 14, 2014 Author Posted April 14, 2014 Maybe some of you are quick to drop someone, but I guess I'm not with this guy. Which is rare for me... I appreciate all the insight, some things I needed to hear. Family & friends always tell me what I want to hear rather than the honest, sometimes painful, truth
Chocolat Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 Ok, You're right..not a very good headline for this post. I wanted him to talk to me and initiate, which he is now doing, and I'm not sure I want it now. Unfortunately, my take is that he is not that into you. It sounds like he wants to keep you on the hook in case his current gf/date/whatever doesn't work out, but it doesn't seem he is interested enough to actually ask you out. Three years is a long time to be thinking it over. Personally, I would move on. 4
TXGuy Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 One possibility is that he is/was not into you. Even if this is the case, I don't understand the hostility of some of the responses. You never got to a first date, so it isn't like you have a reason to be upset (whether he ended up dating someone else or if he was concentrating on his kids). Another possibility is that he is a less aggressive than usual guy (this was more likely before your most recent post when you said you suggested going out and he didn't pick up on it). I know most women seem to assume if a guy likes you, then he will do the chasing. While I agree generally, there is a significant minority of men who might be great catches, but they simply do not get the hint (or for whatever reason dont see the green light to) pursue. Of the good catches that remain in their 30s, this group might be a good size portion. Assuming this is the case (no guarantee), this might be a negative in the short term (you have to do some up front work), it can be a positive in the long term (he is less likely to cheat). If he happens to be a good catch, just without a high chase confidence, he could be a good LTR prospect. 1
KathyM Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 He faded out on you the first time and went silent. Didn't respond to your contact. Now this time, he doesn't ask you out, and turns you down twice when you suggest getting together. The guy is not interested in dating you. He's just interested in the attention/validation that you are giving him. Don't waste your time on this dude. Life is too short. If he doesn't appreciate you enough to want to get together, then I don't understand why you would even want him. 2
ja123 Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 Ok, You're right..not a very good headline for this post. I wanted him to talk to me and initiate, which he is now doing, and I'm not sure I want it now. You don't want him contacting you now because he's not taking it further and it's confusing you. Go no contact with this guy, and just be brief with him if you happen to see him in public. 1
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