Breaks off LDR and starts seeing other women immediately...

[ain5053]

Hey… I have written here several times before about my complicated situation… The "situation" just ended and I feel broken once again….

I am 22 and my ex is 27, we dated for 2 years, we lived together for a year, were madly in love, until I got a temporary job in another state and moved away for a 6 month contract… This was 2 months ago. As soon as I left he started being uncomfortable with the situation, very clingy, and broke up with me for a day twice… Then he came to visit and everything was fine… After that everything seemed to be good, until 2 weeks ago.

He stopped replying to my calls/texts, and basically disappeared for several days… Keep in mind that just the week before he continued telling me how much he loved me and missed me, how he could not wait to be with me forever, marry me, have a family…. etc…. After I finally got a hold of him he told me he "Needed time" to think about our relationship… I was heartbroken but thought it might be another one of his tantrums, so I gave him several days… On Wednesday, we finally talked on the phone and he expressed that he was not sure about our relationship, that he felt like we are growing apart, he loved me more as a "best friend" and did not want to wait another 4 months…. That he was confused…. He also said things along the lines of "you chose money over me" and "you chose to leave me".. On Thursday I called him again and he told me he wanted to end it.. I still was hoping this was something temporary… Then he texted me "I am really sorry for hurting you."

That night I saw pictures on Facebook of him at a club with another girl….

Today (Sunday) I saw pictures of him at the club with her again on a different day… We are not friends on Facebook, but the pictures popped up anyway through mutual friends. Later I found out that he has been "hanging out" with that girl and as he told a friend "hasn't hooked up with her yet"..

I am utteerly shocked….. I am broken… My world is crashing apart and it hurts horribly…. mostly because this is the man I was completely convinced I was going to marry, have a family with…. Never have I been so wrong… I feel cheated on, betrayed, the worst feelings I have ever experienced..

I am left here in shambles while he has "yet to hook up with her"….

This is not him… who is he… what happened and what did I do wrong.. I feel like if I haven't moved away this would not have happened…. He was absolutely in love with me, of that I am sure…. How could this happen.. I know he was in love.

 

After this I know there is no going back… And that is scary.. I am terrified. My entire future I had planned just fell apart.. And now I don't know where I am going… I am madly in love with him, although at this moment purely disgusted and disappointed.. Feeling like a complete fool.. And at the same time thinking I might have been able to prevent this only if I had done something differently.. God help me.

 

I appreciate any feedback I get...

[David87]

He wasn't in love with you because if he was then he would have waited for you. To be honest 4 months isn't that long especially when you love the other person, but he didn't. Block him on FB, and be thankful it happened now.

 

He wasn't the one, move on and don't look back. NC all the way.

[ain5053]

I suppose that is the realization I have to accept… It is just impossible to believe, knowing our relationship first hand.. He was the most loving and attentive man, we were practically inseparable from each other the entire time we have been together.. The "honeymoon period" never went away.. Maybe I have simply been delusional… I am confused and broken.

[Jiivy]

Let me share my similar experience and what I've learned since my BU -

 

I was with my fianceé for 7 years, we met online in highschool and kept a very passionate LDR for around 5-6 years. We'd see each other for blocks of about 4-5 weeks at a time in the summer, or 2-3 weeks during the academic year. When I finished University, I got a job, moved far from home and got an apartment with her. We lived together for a year.

 

At the end of the year, she had to return to her home country to finish her PhD and I wasn't able to find any suitable work to follow her immediately. I had a plan that would get me there, but it might take up to another 12 months to get it.

 

We both discussed this together and decided that whilst it sucked, it would provide the best platform for us as a couple and be the most fulfilling for us as individuals to persue.

 

6 months later on one of my regular visits, she tells me just before Valentine's day that she doesn't think she loves me any more....a month later she leaves me and tells me there's someone else.

 

============

 

My whole career from the point of leaving University, my life plans and my happiness were all built with her and around her. Every single thing has fallen apart and shattered. I swore up and down that my sweetheart wouldn't ever up and leave me for another guy, and I thought if there were problems that she's talk it over with me.

 

But no.

 

What I learned was that we don't own people, we don't control their feelings. None of that is particularly helpful, but it's a straight up fact. Your partner's inability to discuss any underlying problems with the move before it happens says a lot.

 

Only when they began to find interest in other people did this become an issue...of course, maybe it was the other people around them that prompted this thought cycle.

 

The point is - the biggest thing I've learnt is that NOBODY can explain exactly why this happened. Stay around on LS and read up the posts here. Go and ask people about their experiences and their opinions. For every person that got back together with their ex another never saw them again....

 

In time you'll learn that there's never going to be an answer to your questions. It's going to eat you up and drive you mad like it is to me. One day you're going to have to face that while you can't answer why this happened, what you CAN do is step forward with your own life as it is today.

 

The following two books have helped me immensly. I suggest you get them and read them:

 

I can mend your broken heart - Paul McKenna (short term coping, cognative practice)

The journey from abandonment to healing - Susan Anderson (longer term, very phsycological)

 

I'm in utter despair every day and it's been 1.5 months since she left me...but I'm starting to slowly get better. I'm here for you, you're not alone any more.

[ain5053]

Jiivy, thank you for sharing your story… It is very touching and heart breaking. Thank you for reading mine and giving me insight. I will absolutely read those two books…. I am a very philosophical/sociological and spiritual person, thus I like to have an answer for everything. For a while I thought I have really figured this world out and had an explanation for everything. However, now I feel lost. I feel like reality is playing a trick on me to put me back in my place and remind me that I am powerless.. Allowed me to come close to the sun just to see me burn and fall back down. I thought I have experienced true love, but now I am not so sure. I feel weak and empty.

[Jiivy]

I am a mathematician by trade, I'm a successful 24 year old banker with immense prospects.

 

Like you, I thought I truly had it figured out. I'm an extremely rational thinker and having no solution or no reason for a problem is to me the most frustrating thing.

 

One thing you can take away is this - your ex showed you what it's like to feel the sun and to burn in its beautiful fire. Now you know what it's truly like to love someone and how tremendously painful it is to lose them...

 

In 5 years time, you've no idea what the future will hold but you WILL look back at this loss and know that you saw something beautiful in it. I'm going through this too and I swear if I could make it go away, I'd give you and all of us here on LS that freedom in a heartbeat.

[bluegreen]

I am a mathematician by trade, I'm a successful 24 year old banker with immense prospects.

 

Like you, I thought I truly had it figured out. I'm an extremely rational thinker and having no solution or no reason for a problem is to me the most frustrating thing.

 

One thing you can take away is this - your ex showed you what it's like to feel the sun and to burn in its beautiful fire. Now you know what it's truly like to love someone and how tremendously painful it is to lose them...

 

In 5 years time, you've no idea what the future will hold but you WILL look back at this loss and know that you saw something beautiful in it. I'm going through this too and I swear if I could make it go away, I'd give you and all of us here on LS that freedom in a heartbeat.

 

 

 

Bragging a little : ))) ?

[Jiivy]

Bragging a little : ))) ?

 

Yup! My partner upped and left me for some layabout. I think I'm entitled to some of the remains of my ego

[bluegreen]

Hon : ))) I get it but "some" is well far from what you presented us

[ain5053]

Waking up for work was awful today... A part of me wishes I could stay asleep so I didn't have to experience the agony of reality which I still have yet to accept..

I was hysterical last night. I attempted calling him and all I got back was a text "Cut it out, what do you want?" I then confronted him about the other girl, which he denied and told me to "Get my facts straight if I am going to confront him". After I said the girl's name, his reaction was "I don't know what you want from me. It's late I'm not talking about this." I replied that he doesn't have to worry about me contacting him again. Now I am going NC.

This doesn't change the fact that even though I am hurt and heartbroken, betrayed, I am STILL holding on to the idealized version of himself that I fell in love with, still wondering what happened to the man I knew, still hoping for him to come back... But this person is not the same.. Not the same man who just 2 weeks ago was spending all his free time searching for jobs in my area just so we can be together, who told me I was his one and only and everything! I am amazed at how you don't really see the person's bad side until they are faced with a challenging situation.. After all, we lived together and dated long enough that you would think I would pick up on certain clues - but nothing... Either I am oblivious or he changed overnight.

 

I am not going to contact him.... but how to move on from this, I don't know..

[Jiivy]

I understand you - you start to think...." Am I such a bad judge of character? How did I not see this behaviour ? I knew them intimately, yet I didn't see this?"

 

Part of me is inclined to say it's a defensive front. But I can't be sure and I can't make assumptions for someone else.

 

Try your best to keep NC. I'm struggling with this too, I desperately want to to reach out every second of every day and it hurts to know they're not interested.

 

Read the books I suggested, listen to the people here on LS and stay with us. We really are stronger because we're not alone.

[TaraMaiden]

Breaks off LDR and starts seeing other women immediately...

 

..... On Thursday I called him again and he told me he wanted to end it.. I still was hoping this was something temporary… Then he texted me "I am really sorry for hurting you."

That night I saw pictures on Facebook of him at a club with another girl….

Today (Sunday) I saw pictures of him at the club with her again on a different day… We are not friends on Facebook, but the pictures popped up anyway through mutual friends. Later I found out that he has been "hanging out" with that girl and as he told a friend "hasn't hooked up with her yet"........

 

I appreciate any feedback I get...

 

I hate to tell you this - but I highly doubt that he broke off your LDR and then started seeing other women immediately....

I think he was already seeing them, and finally decided to do the right thing and break it off with you.

 

Ergo, he was unfaithful - and cheating - before the break-up.

 

Get used to this highly probable fact, and things will take on a new perspective.

[ain5053]

Day 2 NC. I feel good.

I took all those feelings towards him and directed them towards myself instead. At this point I am not sure if I am lying to myself or hiding these painful emotions somewhere deep within me, but I really do feel ok. I see the world transparent as it really is now.

[johnson_j]

Hang in there sweetie, sounds like he doesn't deserve a good catch like yourself. Also, one piece of advice.

 

 

Don't confront him with the facts anymore. What's done is done, but I recently did this with my ex too. I have tangible proof, as did you. She was in denial - says she can't discuss it. But what I did was give away the aura that I was in the right, now she has a reason to think less of me because I called her out on her lies, and I don't feel any better about it.

 

 

Once the mystery and fun of new girl wears out, you can bet your butt he'll be calling you back reminiscing of the good times. Just get ready for that, and how you will approach it (whether to give him a second chance or to tell him No).

[Jiivy]

I'm proud of your commitment to this with us! IMO - the cycles of denial, withdrawal, depression, self-criticism and even acceptance come in waves over and over.

 

I don't think it's a succinct move from one place to another in any kind of ordered fashion. It's a slow fade, a slow spin out wards from the event horizon of a depressive black hole...

 

Keep us posted as you go along. I'm here with you and so are the rest of us.

[ain5053]

Thank you so much guys, I really do appreciate all your responses and advice. I am new in this city, practically alone. I took a carload of things and moved across the country on my own. And even though I still feel alone as I don't have anything familiar here with me, especially don't have my best friend and my love of 2 years, being in this place is also helping me heal. I love this city and I love my job. I am following my dream here. I met many interesting people. I am making new friends. In a way this is a fresh start for me. Also, I have been going to the gym everyday with coworkers and it has really helped me keep my mind off him. Also I feel very confident in myself and very independent, although this is a weird feeling as I have never felt it before. I have never been truly independent as I have always had a boyfriend for a long time... I truly depended on him and I thought I would be nothing without him. But being here completely on my own I realize I am not nothing. I am my own individual and although I can not control his feelings and his actions, I am completely in charge of MY own reality. Yes, I love him with all my heart. And yes what we had was real - so real that he got scared. But I do realize that my world will continue spinning with or without him and this is what keeps me going.

 

I am very interested in philosophy and spirituality and have been reading a lot into buddhism lately - that would possibly explain my calm behavior right now. I wonder if I can continue this or if I will break down again like I did the day I found out about the other girl.... I thought I was going to die from the pain. Right now I am not very interested in what is going on in his life and that is great.... NC all the way. I feel so strong. I feel in control again!

[TaraMaiden]

.....

 

I am very interested in philosophy and spirituality and have been reading a lot into buddhism lately - that would possibly explain my calm behavior right now. I wonder if I can continue this or if I will break down again like I did the day I found out about the other girl.... I thought I was going to die from the pain. Right now I am not very interested in what is going on in his life and that is great.... NC all the way. I feel so strong. I feel in control again!

 

It is not 'the done thing' to proselytise, in Buddhism, but rather await the curiosity of those who seek clarification, and then give a response, always ensuring the questioner realises they are merely eliciting one person's understanding and PoV.

In other words, we rarely state that what we say is the be-all and end-all, but that whatever we say requires you - the enquirer - to perhaps investigate more, should you be so interested to do so....CAVEAT: Don't take one Buddhists' word for it....

 

That said, i will respond to your paragraph above, if I may be permitted the presumption:

 

if you have been studying Buddhism, and have taken some of the teachings on board, then you cannot un-learn what you have learnt, absorbed and accepted.

The secret is to be Mindful, and to Practise.

Feel free to read my 'Karma' thread, in my signature, and if you so wish, to add questions there, or begin a new thread in the appropriate forum.

I will answer in any way I can, but would reiterate the above caveat.