7 months in and still struggiling?

[Froelich87]

I haven't been on here in 5 months.

I needed to get away for awhile.

 

For those of you who remember me and my posts, I'm looking forward to the advice.

 

So, It's been 7 months since the break up and 5 months since the last time I broke NC. (Which ended badly. Remember that SimonPheonix? Lol)

 

It's true when they say that "the smoke clears and things start to make more sense. I've definitely realized my issues with what went wrong. I was full of insecurities and I didn't love myself, to put things simply. I was dependent on my ex.

 

I believe I've been just going through the motions all wrong. Yes, it's great that I've finally come to terms with my problems but truth be told, I haven't really lived in the last 5 months. I just surpress my feelings and emotions in hopes that they will just fade in time. I'm here to tell you that it's just making things worse.

 

Besides almost completeing my Bachelor's Degree, I have been an absolute zombie to the beautiful world. All of the things that I probably should have done from the start (get out of my apartment, exercise, go out with friends, etc) I haven't done any of them.

 

It's funny really. It started out with me just trying to figure things out alone and learning to love myself alone. Which sounds great at first. But it's been 5 months and really to no avail. I get drunk and watch Swingers, Forgetting Sarah Marshall and HIMYM a lot. I've gained a decent beer belly and things just suck.

 

For some reason, I have only broke down 4 times since everything. Like I said, I've just been stuffing the pain down, I guess. I don't want to sound like a wuss, but I feel scared to just let it out and actually get a good cry in.

 

She's been showing up in my dreams for almost 2 straight months and it sucks. Especially waking up afterwards. She comes into my thoughts often still. Past memories for some, the break up, and the hurtful and manipulative things she said to me the day I broke 2 months contact and slept with her. The rest is mainly sexual, which are just images of her body. However, I think the last one just deals with me needing to get laid in general. Lol.

 

I have lots of opurtunities to talk to women in my classes but I don't. Comparing happens a lot and my ego is still bruised. I can start conversations but I can't close and it's pathetic. Lol.

 

Idk guys, I'd love to sit here and say after 7 months it gets better... and does a little bit but for the most part it still hurts like mad. I'm having an awful time of letting go.

 

Can anybody please give me some advice on the actual letting go process? It's time for me to spread my wings. I just need to make the first step.

 

Obviously, me getting out of my place and working out will be good for me. I'm going to put in the effort in doing these things because I'm tired of this person that I am right now. I told myself that I'd do these when I'm ready... but the problem is, I'll never feel ready. I just gotta do it.

 

P.S. It feels good to be back here!

[sooshi]

I'm sorry that you've been hurting all this time. I'm glad you're confronting the issues you have that are holding you back though.

 

You're right, you might not FEEL ready to do certain productive things that you know will assist with your healing, but just do them anyway! Action will produce momentum.

 

You're doing no contact, so that's a good first step. Go for a walk, work out, spend time with someone you enjoy spending time with... do one thing that's healthy for you. Build momentum, and productivity and healing will come.

[bojangles]

I feel for you man. We can only hope with time these feelings will fade and memories won't fly through our minds as frequent. I'm 1 week NC and BU and have just kept as busy as I can. I've been getting out and playing quite a bit of tennis this week. First day out I almost cried in front of my friend. But I let myself just wallow and cry at home the first bit and I think it helped. The 2nd day after BU, I was keeping busy cleaning my fish tank and all of a sudden, I started to cry hysterically. I just couldn't control it. I figured what the heck, curled up on my bed for about 15 mins, let it out and felt a little better. I sobbed a little bit the next day but have not have any urge to shed another tear since. Time to forge on. All I can do is better myself physically, mentally, and emotionally. With or without her. It hurts but life goes on. It must go on... right?

[yorkie]

you know what 7 n half months for me and i had a blip my ex is trying to be nice to me and im not interested im still angry. im trying and am starting to move on but you know what it does take time. yes you need to get out more and try and do things but time is the biggest healer of all!

[faithfully]

I haven't been on here in 5 months.

I needed to get away for awhile.

 

For those of you who remember me and my posts, I'm looking forward to the advice.

 

So, It's been 7 months since the break up and 5 months since the last time I broke NC. (Which ended badly. Remember that SimonPheonix? Lol)

 

It's true when they say that "the smoke clears and things start to make more sense. I've definitely realized my issues with what went wrong. I was full of insecurities and I didn't love myself, to put things simply. I was dependent on my ex.

 

I believe I've been just going through the motions all wrong. Yes, it's great that I've finally come to terms with my problems but truth be told, I haven't really lived in the last 5 months. I just surpress my feelings and emotions in hopes that they will just fade in time. I'm here to tell you that it's just making things worse.

 

Besides almost completeing my Bachelor's Degree, I have been an absolute zombie to the beautiful world. All of the things that I probably should have done from the start (get out of my apartment, exercise, go out with friends, etc) I haven't done any of them.

 

It's funny really. It started out with me just trying to figure things out alone and learning to love myself alone. Which sounds great at first. But it's been 5 months and really to no avail. I get drunk and watch Swingers, Forgetting Sarah Marshall and HIMYM a lot. I've gained a decent beer belly and things just suck.

 

For some reason, I have only broke down 4 times since everything. Like I said, I've just been stuffing the pain down, I guess. I don't want to sound like a wuss, but I feel scared to just let it out and actually get a good cry in.

 

She's been showing up in my dreams for almost 2 straight months and it sucks. Especially waking up afterwards. She comes into my thoughts often still. Past memories for some, the break up, and the hurtful and manipulative things she said to me the day I broke 2 months contact and slept with her. The rest is mainly sexual, which are just images of her body. However, I think the last one just deals with me needing to get laid in general. Lol.

 

I have lots of opurtunities to talk to women in my classes but I don't. Comparing happens a lot and my ego is still bruised. I can start conversations but I can't close and it's pathetic. Lol.

 

Idk guys, I'd love to sit here and say after 7 months it gets better... and does a little bit but for the most part it still hurts like mad. I'm having an awful time of letting go.

 

Can anybody please give me some advice on the actual letting go process? It's time for me to spread my wings. I just need to make the first step.

 

Obviously, me getting out of my place and working out will be good for me. I'm going to put in the effort in doing these things because I'm tired of this person that I am right now. I told myself that I'd do these when I'm ready... but the problem is, I'll never feel ready. I just gotta do it.

 

P.S. It feels good to be back here!

 

You are having a harder time letting go as you stated yourself. You find yourself sitting and thinking about her, drinking, watch sad love films.

 

You said if u had gone gym, seen friends, occupied your mind from the start it would have helped but its not too late to still do them things, this is why people say keep busy so you have less time thinking about them.

 

You are not helping yourself at all, if you want to heal you will do. We both had a break up same time 7month BU, 4 month NC and i refused to sit and pine for somebody that doesnt want me in there life. Lost over 2stone weight, have my travel ticket booked, got a new car a month ago, i am doing good because i want to.

 

I am glad you have realised somethhings, your eyes does open alot especially with NC- bravo to you on that.

 

Yes it is tough but you will get there, trust me. Rome wasnt built in a day or a month but you have to start not being a zombie, get out there and do new thing

 

[oracle]

....All of the things that I probably should have done from the start (get out of my apartment, exercise, go out with friends, etc) I haven't done any of them.

 

 

You just gotta force it. My words can't save you from yourself. You have to struggle on and change things. When you feel stuck, start doing something different. AND its OK to have the bad days.... they will always come, things won't always stay on an upward trajectory.

[yorkie]

I think for me now i have accepted its over etc well it is even if she did return i wouldnt want her back. I personally think its harder when it was a longterm relationship but each to there own views. Just takes time and like oracle says make yourself do new things tonight im starting my get fit regime. Only starting with planks press ups and sit ups then hopefully will get motivated to do more.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah, I remember you. And honestly, it's not going well for you because you aren't being active in your recovery. You are sitting around hoping for things to get better, and it doesn't work like that. You have to go out there and work out, meet people, find hobbies or physical releases, do something. Sitting around drinking, eating and watching movies (especially those particular movies) isn't going to help with anything.

 

Both Swingers and Forgetting Sarah Marshall are great movies and have great lessons, but you have to act on them. You have to be like Mikey in Swingers and go out with your boys every so often. You have to be like Peter Bretter in Forgetting Sarah Marshall and go out and do things. Sitting around, watching them and saying "Woe is me" doesn't do a thing.

 

It's time for you to get off your ass and take life by the reins. Even if you don't feel like it, fake it till you make it. Don't be that guy who is afraid to live.

[Froelich87]

Thank you all for your responses.

 

I know I'm going about this all wrong.

 

My best friend went through the same situation (sort of) in 2008. 3 year relationship. Only his ex left him for somebody else right away.

 

He did the exact same thing that I've been doing and it took him almost 3 years to get completely over her. I don't want to be that guy.

 

I need to get the hell out of my place. That's a fact.

 

I just don't want to run into her and her new girlfriend... or boyfriend? I dunno. It's not a small college town but the bars are pretty much all together. I definitely don't want to run into her. You know that How I Met Your Mother episode where Ted makes a map of New York and all the places he can't go? Lol. I feel like I'm turning into that person... but I'm gonna have to go, right?

 

I don't know about this No Contact thing. It's situations like that entirely that make it invalid. Sure, I've been 5 months NC. But what happens when I run into her when I go out? Especially to see her completely moved on and with somebody new. That won't only set me back... but it will set me back hard.

 

There's other things that I can do that won't involve a bar though. Hiking, Golfing, Camping, etc.

 

A bar really isn't a place where I want to meet girls, either. At least not the kind of girls that I want to meet.

 

Can anybody provide me with some examples that they did from their break up? I'm eagerly looking forward to all of this.

[Froelich87]

Also, let me clear some things up.

 

I don't miss HER or want HER back. I miss companionship in general.

 

I'm not good at being single. I'm good at being a boyfriend and a partner.

 

I don't know what my emotions are. I get sad sometimes but I just push the thoughts back. I haven't really broken down. I'm angry a lot. I guess it's just a mixture of everything plus confusion.

 

My ability to talk to women is pathetic. It's always been pretty bad even in high school lol. But my ego is pretty bruised so the pathetic adds up a few more notches lol.

 

I've been on a few dating sites (not to sound mean here) but the only bites I've gotten were from bigger women. They're cool and I'm their friend but I can't see myself dating them. Looks aren't everything but if you can't take care of yourself then I'm just not attracted to you.

 

I just need to get myself back. I feel like I'm getting to old to find anybody else. Which is ridiculous. I'm only 27 but I still feel that way sometimes.

 

This too shall pass.

[Simon Phoenix]

Sure, it will set you back hard because you haven't done anything to evolve and, for lack of a better term, replace what she represents. That doesn't mean you need to be dating anyone else per se, but you need to be doing something.

 

As far as NC is concerned, yes it's going to suck if you do it the way you are doing it, which is doing nothing but sitting around. But what's the alternative to NC? You talking to her, getting your hopes up and getting them dashed when she inevitably starts dating someone else or rejects you? That would hurt infinitely more than it would if you encountered her now and discovered she was dating someone else, and you aren't even doing NC correctly. If you become active in your recovery, you'll progress quicker and be better equipped to run into her should it happen. But you have to get off your ass and do it.

 

And yes, at 27 you are young. Hell, i'm in my mid-30s and have had women that were your age and younger. I mean, late 20s-30s are pretty good. Not only do you still retain your looks for the most part, if not improve them, but you also have more money, more worldly experience and more going on.

Edited April 14, 2014 by Simon Phoenix

[Froelich87]

Thanks man.

 

I agree that I've been implementing NC wrong. However, not entirely wrong at the same time. I deleted and blocked her from social networks. Haven't even tried to 'snoop' for 7 months. I deleted and blocked her number. Those aspects are good, I think.

 

I'm starting Focus T25 today. I'm also going grocery shopping after class to get healthy foods. I think I'm going hiking with some friends this weekend if I get my paper finished.

 

I gotta do the interval training first because the gut has gotten too bad for any kind of results. It goes for 90 days then I'm starting either P90X or Insanity. Haven't decided yet.

 

Any other active examples/advice you can give me?

[Simon Phoenix]

Thanks man.

 

I agree that I've been implementing NC wrong. However, not entirely wrong at the same time. I deleted and blocked her from social networks. Haven't even tried to 'snoop' for 7 months. I deleted and blocked her number. Those aspects are good, I think.

 

I'm starting Focus T25 today. I'm also going grocery shopping after class to get healthy foods. I think I'm going hiking with some friends this weekend if I get my paper finished.

 

I gotta do the interval training first because the gut has gotten too bad for any kind of results. It goes for 90 days then I'm starting either P90X or Insanity. Haven't decided yet.

 

Any other active examples/advice you can give me?

 

Yeah, you've done the not contacting her part fine, but it's just the "filling your time" part that you've screwed up. But you are taking steps to fulfill that. And honestly, hanging out with friends (or even joining clubs/activities to meet new friends) is the best thing you can do right now. I met one of my best friends right after the relationship that brought me here died and I probably never would have met him had it not died. But yeah, active and social are good.

[Froelich87]

Where did you meet your best friend at?

 

How long was your relationship and when did it end?

 

What all did you do to get over it?

[Simon Phoenix]

Where did you meet your best friend at?

 

How long was your relationship and when did it end?

 

What all did you do to get over it?

 

 

1) Just a bar in town that I go to a lot.

 

2) Only a few months (was a quickie) but it devastated me a hell of a lot more than relationships I had that were much longer.

 

3) Worked out a lot, went out and socialized with strangers (used to go to the bar by myself, meet people, get into adventures), rededicated myself to work, just did whatever I could to fill my hours.

[Froelich87]

Right on.

 

Yeah, I remember a girl I was with for a few months and I was pretty devestated by it. Took a few months to get over. She was something else.

[bojangles]

I just got back from playing tennis with some friends. Just keep busy. Like Simon Phoenix, do whatever to fill your hours.

 

I ran into my ex today at work. First time in 10 days since the BU. Exchanged hellos is all. Then I went about my business for the next few mins as if we were strangers. It was awkward but wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I think the more you think about it, the more you kind of prepare for it but you focus on the end game of just leaving things be. I had tons of thoughts going through my mind and so many things I wanted to say. She looked great too which is the ****ty part. You sort of want to see them looking like they're hurt too but I didn't get that. Or she was just putting up a brave front like I was. Either way it wasn't as bad as I thought and the overwhelming feeling eventually passes.

 

I feel we're very alike as we enjoy companionship and feel we are capable of reciprocating it. I hope some of my sorrow and struggles can shed some insight on yours.