StillHurtin Posted February 2, 2005 Posted February 2, 2005 H's had an A w/ a co-worker during our pending D and during our separtion. After a few months of the A he came back to me wanting to work on the M. We reconciled and didn't proceed w/ the D but continued to stay separated for several more months. He broke it off w/ the OW. Anyhow, I don't know if you remember my post about the time H took a female co-worker home from work one day and I became upset. I was upset b/c H asked me if it was ok if he picked her up and took her to work, I didn't want him too. Well, he took her home from work b/c she had no ride. H talks about her several times a week about work situations (the way it started w/ him and the OW from his old job). This current co-worker offered H a second job in her cleaning business cleaning one of the factories in town. H desperately needs another job b/c he took a new job that pays a lot less (needed to get out of his current job, a lot of stress). Anyhow, so she offered this job to him. They would be cleaning this place during the night, alone together. I don't like it one bit. I am finding it really hard to trust him. Why can't I trust him after all this time (2 years after the A)? I don't think any amount of counseling is going to help me get over this trust issue any faster so I am not even going to waist my $. Ya think after 2 years I would trust him again.
michelangelo Posted February 2, 2005 Posted February 2, 2005 Trust is not about the metering of time. Trust comes when someone earns your comfort level. If he and you are not doing the things you need for him to regain your trust all you have is water under the bridge. Have you tried marriage counselling?
Moose Posted February 2, 2005 Posted February 2, 2005 Marriage counceling?.......no......what should've been done is your husband needs to have nothing at all to do with this woman. He needs to find a different second job. This is only going to create more problems. If he truly wants to work on his marriage, the correct and only way to do that is remove all and any doubt, which includes absolutley no contact with this other woman. Period.
michelangelo Posted February 2, 2005 Posted February 2, 2005 Yes, that is so, but I was thinking she'd have an ally in a counsellor in achieving this.
only1life Posted February 2, 2005 Posted February 2, 2005 Trust can't be forced, it has to be built by mutual communication. If he's doing something that you don't like, you have to tell him so, and if he respects you and your relationship, then he will do something to correct the situation in such a way that you are happy with it. Plain and simple. Tell him to quit the job. Your peace of mind is worth more than the income he would be gaining by staying at the job. If he won't quit, then there's trouble brewing, not necessarily another affair, but certainly a lack of respect for you. If he does quit, then make sure that he knows how much you appreciate that he did what you asked him to do, and that you know he's concerned about making the relationship better. Make him feel so good about it, that he'll be glad he did it!
Author StillHurtin Posted February 3, 2005 Author Posted February 3, 2005 Thank you for the replies, I appreciate it. I didn't confuse anyone by who this woman is did I? If so, she isn't the OW dh had an A w/, she is a different woman. We no longer live in the same town the OW lives in. As for counseling, I rather not waist the $ b/c I just don't see it helping. I went to counseling during and after the A for a few months and it did help but I just don't see how a counselor can help me get that trust back, H is the one who has to proove it to me that I can trust him and right now, he's not doing that by talking about this woman all the time. It feels like I am going through the beginning of their friendship that ended in an A w/ another female co-worker. only1life, H hasn't started working at this second job yet. I have talked to him about my concern but he doesn't know why I am so worried about it. He says I am jealous and insecure. Well, why wouldn't I be? He has done it b4, he can do it again and I wouldn't even know. It would just be the two of them working so there wouldn't be anyone there to see if they were flirting or messing around behind my back. He keeps telling me he would never have an A again and loose me and our kids again. I don't know this co-worker so I have no idea if she is the type of person to screw around w/ a MM. I did know the OW he had the A w/ and she was the type to screw around w/ a MM. It bugs me that he talks about her so much.
guest Posted February 3, 2005 Posted February 3, 2005 StillHurtin, I have to say that when I read your story, and I've seen some of your other posts, the vision that comes to mind is a scene from Friends where Ross keeps saying to Rachel "We were on a break." I know his A hurt you, but all things considered, if his relationship with his OW started after he moved out and filed for divorce, I'm not even sure I'd consider her an OW. I know that doesn't make it hurt any less, and I'm sorry for what you're going through. But....in reading some of the replys, I have to admit that I see many other problems resulting from your lack of trust and please, I'm not saying that your lack of trust isn't justified! But telling him to quit his job? Would this be something you'd ask him to do every time he came home talking about a female co-worker? If it's justified to ask him, that's one thing but I'm not sure I'd want to get in the habit of everytime you're uncomfortable with his work situation, or discussions about the people he's working with that I'd be willing to take that step. I can see it now, several years from now and several different jobs later..... H: Honey I'm home! W: How was your day? H: Well Phyllis' car broke down and I needed to give her a ride home. W: I'm not comfortable with that, you need to quit your job. or more likely what would happen..... H: Honey I'm home! W: How was your day? H: Well Phil's car broke down and I needed to give him a ride home. W: OK I know this is a dramatic example but the point is that if you can't somehow make strides to be able to trust him again, he's either going to be job hopping to keep you happy or start lying to you to keep you happy. I don't know this co-worker so I have no idea if she is the type of person to screw around w/ a MM. I did know the OW he had the A w/ and she was the type to screw around w/ a MM. Problem with this.... how would you know? It's not like all OWs or MWs are going to show up at work in a Merry Widow with stilletos and OW tattooed on their butt. You may have had a bad feeling, or bad experience with your H's OW but the point is, there may be no way to tell. For all you know, your best friend, your co-worker, your cousin, your mother, your grandmother could have been an OW/MW at some point. Many may just be warm, caring people who are good listeners..... I was an OW and I'd bet a year's salary that you never would have suspected that I would have done the "stupid" things that I did. There is no way of easily identifying all of those who may be willing to fool around with a married man. You may not believe that counseling will help, and I'm not sure that it will, but if you don't find some way of dealing with your distrust you're setting both of you up for a lifetime of misery. Again, I don't blame you for feeling the way you do and I know there's no "magic" amount of time that needs to pass and that the trust needs to be earned. But how's he going to earn it if you don't give him a chance to do that? If he's telling you he won't and you tell him that for your peace of mind he needs to quit his job, even though nothing's happened, you're sending a pretty strong message his way. As for the 2nd job, I think you'd have more justiication asking him not to do that.... that situation is problematic even for the best marriages! Good luck!
Owl Posted February 3, 2005 Posted February 3, 2005 Does HE know how much this is bothering you? What is HE doing about it if he knows? Both of you have the responsibility to remain accountable to the other, and both of you should be doing whatever possible to reassure the other that all is well in your marriage. That would include working TOGETHER on how to address your worries/fears in this case. Have you ASKED HIM why he's talking about her so much? It's possible that he's just trying to share his day with you, and to make sure that you are aware of ALL the communication that he's having with her, in order to reassure you, not make you feel bad. Or, you could be right, and it could be that he's becoming infatuated again. ASK HIM. I talk with my wife about almost any contact I have with women, at work or wherever. For exactly the reason I mention...I want her to know what's going on, so that she knows she can trust me. And I'm not the one who had the affair!! I just figure accountability needs to work both ways. It's hard to deal with the trust thing still for me too. All I can do is monitor what I can, and pray about what I can't. And trust that she's learned from what we've been through in the past. Not easy...it was around this time last year that their "friendship" began. That was one of the first thoughts that hit me this morning. Good luck friend.
BlueRipples Posted February 14, 2005 Posted February 14, 2005 The best advice I've heard... When you're suspicious of the intentions of a your partner's coworkers than make sure you get to know them. Be around at company events, social gatherings and pay him a visit at work if possible. If you make you presence is well known then any would be OWs may get the message that this guy is spoken for. Most cheaters whould tell hid lady-friends that his wife is a cold b!tch who never supports him, make that impossible to be true. Best of luck, BlueRipples
Passing Posted February 14, 2005 Posted February 14, 2005 I wanted to say that I don't think 2 years is a long time and that I don't think there is a time limit when you should feel like your cheating spouse is trustworthy again. It's a personal thing. Some people get over it quicker than others. Some never get over it at all.
Author StillHurtin Posted February 15, 2005 Author Posted February 15, 2005 Originally posted by Owl Does HE know how much this is bothering you? What is HE doing about it if he knows? Both of you have the responsibility to remain accountable to the other, and both of you should be doing whatever possible to reassure the other that all is well in your marriage. That would include working TOGETHER on how to address your worries/fears in this case. Have you ASKED HIM why he's talking about her so much? It's possible that he's just trying to share his day with you, and to make sure that you are aware of ALL the communication that he's having with her, in order to reassure you, not make you feel bad. Or, you could be right, and it could be that he's becoming infatuated again. ASK HIM. I talk with my wife about almost any contact I have with women, at work or wherever. For exactly the reason I mention...I want her to know what's going on, so that she knows she can trust me. And I'm not the one who had the affair!! I just figure accountability needs to work both ways. It's hard to deal with the trust thing still for me too. All I can do is monitor what I can, and pray about what I can't. And trust that she's learned from what we've been through in the past. Not easy...it was around this time last year that their "friendship" began. That was one of the first thoughts that hit me this morning. Good luck friend. Thanks Owl for replying. Yes, I have told H that it bothers me and why. I have told him that it was how his A started w/ the OW that he had the A w/, talking about her all the time. He assures me that she isn't is type and that she is more like a sister. He never told me the actual OW wasn't his type or like a sister. I don't mind that he has female friends, I have male friends but I don't talk about them all the time. I guess if I worked w/ men maybe there is one that I would talk about but not sure. Where I work is all women. The only men that work for the same agency I do work in a different town. I have asked him why he talks about her so much and he says he is just sharing his day w/ me. When he talked about the OW it was usually b/c she was flirting w/ him and he would tell me. He told me about her past (growing up) which she openly shared w/ him. BlueRipples, thanks for the advice. If H takes a second job w/ this woman you bet I am going to go see him once in awhile. She has never met me but I know her H, we went to school 2gether. She knows that I know him and use to hang out w/ him. Passing, thank you also for your advice. I hope I am not one of those ppl who never earn that trust back.
newby Posted February 19, 2005 Posted February 19, 2005 i think rather than questioning him about this woman, it might be better to talk to him about how you are feeling on a deeper level, tellhim you are having difficulty getting through this, ask him if he is willing to work with you on it, he may be trying to force the marriage back to its original state by talking alot about this woman to create a feeling of trust, this is perhaps his way of trying to reassure you that all is fine. it is not your fault that you have issues of trust now and you cannot just force yourself to trust. what you can do is try to make yourself feel stronger outside of the marriage in various ways so that there is not so much pressure on the situation, then you will be feeling calmer to tackle things WITH him. he has to work with you on this, and you have to work with him too.
SoleMate Posted February 20, 2005 Posted February 20, 2005 I just don't see how a counselor can help me get that trust back, H is the one who has to proove it to me that I can trust him and right now, he's not doing that by talking about this woman all the time. It feels like I am going through the beginning of their friendship that ended in an A w/ another female co-worker...I have talked to him about my concern but he doesn't know why I am so worried about it. He says I am jealous and insecure.... StillHurtin, you are jealous, suspicious and insecure because your husband has broken your trust and has not done enough to get it back. It is HIS job to rebuild trust - just like you said. It's smart for you to support him and cooperate with his efforts to rebuild trust, but he has to be working at it. He ABSOLUTELY needs to stay away from any situation that makes you uncomfortable. He should be following a post-affair recovery program similar to what is out lined at http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html . He should also follow the Policy of Joint Agreement, which means that he will only take jobs, give rides, have friendships, if you are in enthusiastic agreement. Some will say that it's perfectly OK for him to give a female coworker a ride, work alone at night with a woman he socializes with, and do all this despite the fact that it makes his wife unhappy. I couldn't disagree more. I happen to believe that your fears are right on the money - not necessarily that he is having it off with her, but that he is at high risk of instant replay of the first affair - but even if they weren't, the mere fact that he has broken trust and must actively rebuild it means he must modify his behavior. The rules are not the same for him as they are for a spouse who has always been faithful.
kkat Posted February 21, 2005 Posted February 21, 2005 I agree with SoleMate, 100%. I also think that his justification attempt by saying this woman "isn't his type" is ridiculous and completely unacceptable - is he implying that if the woman was his type that the outcome might be different? You are in a marriage with this man and if you have issues based on his A in the past then it is up to BOTH of you to work through those issues together. Him working a second job alone with another woman makes you uncomfortable. Maybe one day you'll be comfortable with such a situation. But today, you aren't. So, unless it's a matter of this being the only job in town that will put food on the table, I support your right to assert that he not do it. I have a question for you - do you trust your husband to be faithful to you? If not, what is your instinct telling you? Do you think he is having an A or open to having one?
Author StillHurtin Posted February 22, 2005 Author Posted February 22, 2005 Originally posted by kkat I have a question for you - do you trust your husband to be faithful to you? If not, what is your instinct telling you? Do you think he is having an A or open to having one? kkat, I find it hard to completely trust him the way I use to. I have always trusted him, but I never trusted some of his female friends b/c of they way they always flirted w/ him. At first it was harmless fun but when it lead to an A w/ one of these friends I don't ever want him to have a woman flirt w/ him again. Sometimes I don't think he will be unfaithful again but other times I feel that if he has the balls to do it once and I took him back he will do it again. I hope one of these days I can get my trust back but there are things he has said in the past that make me doubt that. I told him if he is going to continue to say or feel that way the M will not survive. In the past we have had arguements and he has said "No wonder I had an A w/ the way you are acting!" OMGosh! I couldn't believe he said that. I told him if that is the way he really feels then he knows where the door is and I am not afraid to be a single mom anymore. I told him I loved him but I wasn't going to hear that again. I can be a real B at times but I never said anything so badly that I deserved to be told that.
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