The losing party in a terrible love triangle

[jshuk]

Hi everyone! Found this forum a while ago and read some of the really insightful responses people were getting about their love life issues. Really hoped that some of you lovely people could give me a hand with something that I cannot get my head around. It's quite the story so I apologise sincerely about how long this is, but I want to tell it properly. I've spoken to friends and family but at this point, I feel like those I know are too close to me and the situation (which I'll explain more as I go along) So here goes...

 

So a few years ago, I met a girl through a mutual friend. We got on super well from the moment we met. Shared some laughs, shared some flirting and generally just clicked with each other. At the time, I knew I was relatively smitten on her from the start but it was nothing too intense because I knew she had a boyfriend. It was one of those situations where you just click your fingers and curse it under your breath - but it doesn't bring your world to a halt or anything. I didn't really see her all that often unless the mutual friend that we met through was around. We'd normally only get the chance to see each other on night out were there was quite a few of us. But either way, every time we were in each other's company - that chemistry was always there.

 

Time went by and I found that every time we did go out, things seemed to be progressing like it would if something romantic was developing. The occasional catching of eye contact, touching and even to the point where she reached out and held my hand for a brief moment. It was all pretty exciting and felt right, but again, I was able to keep my distance (emotionally at least) thinking it could be circumstantial or that it was just something relatively harmless. However, I found that I was growing fonder and fonder of her just because of how much fun it was when we were together.

 

September 2013 comes around, and I find that things seem to be getting even more escalated. She is calling me, texting me and asking if we could meet up just the two of us. On one hand, this all seems too good to be true for me and I am really excited. On the other, I can't be sure if I'm reading too much into things or if it's just attention seeking or any other number of things considering she is still in a relationship at this point. But we meet up a few times and I find that a lot of truth starts to come out. I confess to how I feel about her and likewise she also opens up about liking me and having feelings. This then brings out some more information about the deadbeat that she is currently with. Stories of how big of a jerk he is are relayed to me and how she has tried to split up with him before but he knows the right buttons to press to manipulate her into coming back. He had been messing around looking for attention off other girls and generally just being a giant a-hole. Plus she has close ties with some of his family. We spent quite a bit of time rallying in conversation about what she should do and the choices that she has. I tried to stay as objective as possible and still maintaining a safe distance to try and minimise any chances of this blowing up in my face and really hurting me.

 

October 2013, and she tells me that she is going to break up with him. She feels like I am perfect for her and that she doesn't want to risk losing this chance we have because she is scared of change. This is when my defences just auto shut-down. I felt like I'd waited so long and she made me so happy, I couldn't quite believe she was doing this and making this change for us! She pays a visit, breaks up with him and calls me when she gets home. She seems understandably upset and shaken, but there is almost an air of regret and I wasn't sure how to react. She says she needs to go from the call and I say okay. I get a call back later on that night and she seems to have really perked up. Seemingly excited about the change and the idea of beginning something with someone new. I ask her if she is sure about going straight into something - whatever we are - so soon and she seems really certain. As I said previously, my defences are down at this point and I am just over the moon - so naively - I go with it.

 

November time, and we're essentially seeing each other. I encouraged her to be as open about what she's thinking and feelings as much as possible and to tell me if things are too fast, too slow or whatever. If she needs some time to herself or anything - to let me know. She agrees but says that being with me is helping her and she is so happy. She also tells me that this ex is popping up in her text messages. He is sending messages about how he intends to marry her and how he is out and surrounded by girls but all he wants is her. Just really manipulative stuff that seems to be really bothering her. But I make sure I'm there for her and I tell her to stick it to him - tell him that she is moving on - but she won't. So I'm told that she ignores his advances (but for whatever reason, decides not to block his number or delete him off of her Facebook friends list) I tell her that if she ever needs time, if she needs to think, if she's having doubts - that she needs to be open about it and once again, she agrees. But tells me that she is really happy. Times goes on and she seems to return to normal. We share some intimacy, one night she stays over after I picked her up from a birthday party, all seems to be going really well and I'm honestly feeling so, so happy. She starts talking about how she feels like she is falling for me and I tell her the feelings are mutual. It's all just really exciting and I had that golden feeling where you feel like you properly belong with someone. Everything is going great.

 

Late November - I get totally blind sided. The line goes dead for a week. Very minimal responses to text messages, doesn't call or answer calls and is suddenly too busy to hang out or do anything - it's all looking very worrying. As I have said, at this point, my defences are well and truly down. I have genuine feelings for this girl that I am not holding back or diluting anymore. So I'm confused, I'm scared and all in all I feel like I have been here before to know where it is going. The week of silence ends and she wants to talk about us. She wants us to have a conversation about it all in person, to which I agree to. We schedule a day and I'm fearing the worst. Then that day comes and she backs out, says she can't face it right now and she's too busy. So we end up having the conversation over the phone.

 

Turns out the ex had been pretty relentless in his attempts to get her back. He'd been bombarding her with text messages about missing her and all the things they used to do. About how his little brother really misses her and he can't be happy without having her. In addition, this guy had not told his parents that she had finished with him (presumably because he didn't have the stones to tell them what he had done) So on top of his barrage of sweet nothings, his mum had been in touch with her (none the wiser about them having spilt up) about some Christmas pantomime tickets that she had bought for the family. All of this had led her to cave. She said that she had been so unhappy without him and she was going back. I was utterly, utterly heartbroken. I tried to fight the point, not just as a rejected lover but as someone who cares about her, that this decision is the wrong one. She can't let him pull her back into something just so she can be manipulated and let down all over again, but she tells me that her other friends have told her that if she thinks he is sorry that she should go back.

 

It became apparent very quickly that I was fighting a losing battle, so I just tried to save myself. I deleted her from my social networks, deleted her number and set myself the task of trying to move on. But I was just miserable. I couldn't understand why I had gone from being described as being perfect and treating her so well, to losing out to a guy who had essentially been unfaithful, untrustworthy and manipulative. It hit me really hard and it spiralled into anxiety. I've always had issues with controlling anxiety, and having this on my mind made things even worse. I was worried about everything. I convinced myself I had several life-threatening diseases, I wasn't exercising, I didn't want to go to university classes and generally I just didn't want to do anything. Not just because I had lost someone I was genuinely falling for, but because I had been rejected for someone that I felt 1) didn't deserve her 2) was a lesser man than me. I felt like all of the potential and the excitement and everything about what we were when we started had all been flushed down the toilet and all I could do was watch it spin around the drain and disappear.

 

For the next few months, contact was limited. She was texting me, seemingly trying to salvage something out of the wreckage between us - and I was clear that I was not going to stand by and watch someone that I have really strong feelings for give her affections to someone else. I was angry and I was hurt and I didn't know what else to do. We had a big argument over a mutual friend, and it seemed like the whole thing had just gone up in flames.

 

Fast forward a little bit to the last few months and I'd snapped out of the anxiety spiral. I'd gotten myself back to the gym, I'd gotten some focus back and I was on the right track. I still missed her like hell, but I wasn't as sad as I was before. All the while I had spoken to some close friends and family about it and they had given me their advice. By and large, they told me to forget about her. To allow time to do its thing, to heal up and to move forward. For the most part, I totally agreed - but there was still that lingering hope that I wanted her back and I wanted us to be happy and get back all that potential we had together. Things were getting easier, but I couldn't forget her. This is when things got that extra bit confusing. I kept getting text messages from her at some crazy time in the morning (3/4am) every other week - asking if I was awake, saying that she hates how things are and that she misses me. I'd respond but in a relatively distant way - the way I saw it she had made her choice and she couldn't have us both in her life. But she wants us to meet up so she can explain, so I agree. A few times we'd organise something but she kept backing out. Finally, I'd had enough and I tell her that I can't keep getting my hopes up and if she cannot give me an hour of her time to speak face-to-face then she needs to stop contacting me and let me move on. Once again, the line goes quite dead.

 

Recently, I was visiting a friend for the weekend for a concert and I felt like I was back in that safe place again. Feeling better and living better, but still missing her. Once again, I get a text in the middle of the night saying that she tried to stop herself from getting in touch but she can't help it. She really wants to meet up and she sets out a date and time but says that if I don't want to, she understands. The hope kicks in and I agree to meet her.

 

This is where she reveals that she always had feelings for me, that she still thinks about me all the time and that she isn't any happier with her decision to go back to him, only less stressed. She tells me that she was sick of fighting him and she knows he is bad news, but he knows how to play her and how to get her to come back. She says she can't do anything about it until he inevitably does something to break her trust once more. So this buoys me. I hadn't been rejected in terms of her not having feelings anymore, but she considered herself trapped in this relationship because of his ability to manipulate and play on her emotions to get her to come back. Not happy about the latter, but it reignited my feelings for her ten fold because she says that they are still there for me.

 

Most recent development, she texts me when she is at a party saying that she loves me, and I return the sentiment. We have a lengthy phone call when she gets home about how she struggles to trust people because the guys in her past have all said similar things to what I have told her and have all betrayed her. That this guy has booked holidays and weekends away as far ahead as next year to seemingly try and lock her into the relationship out of obligation. She talks about how she could see herself being with me all of her life and I echo those same thoughts because I feel the same. But she doesn't know how to get out of this situation. She seems to obviously still have some feelings for this guy, plus the family connections and the bookings and plans that he has made for them both. She doesn't know when or how she is going to get out. Then after a few hours, the phone call ends and after a few text messages here and there over the last few days, I find myself writing this.

 

So I ask you, the beautiful, wonderful and helpful people - what should I do? I honestly cannot look at another girl in the same way I see her, so do I wait? Do I force myself to move on and sever all contact? I am so lost with it all because my head can see the logic and can see how I should strive for someone that returns everything I feel - but my heart wants her. I've also found myself tormented by the thought of her kissing him, giving herself to him or anything else that comes with her being with him. I am totally and utterly lost so anything that any of you can propose on this is more than welcome. Has anyone been through something similar to this?

 

At this stage, my friends and family have seen me at my worst with this and have seen how hurt I was. They have been on the receiving end of me telling people what she has done and being very negative about it all, so now, any mention of the developments around this story are met with swift dismissal. They all tell me I need to forget about her and move on and that's that. I feel like it's a bit of a slap in the face to them after I was very negative about her when things were so raw, that if I were to talk about still loving her now that I'm not at that level of sadness anymore, they will feel like they have wasted their time. It's like I talk about how she has hurt me, the people close to me sympathise and console, but now that we are back on a better playing field and I am not as hurt anymore - I cannot expect them to have forgiven her just because I have.

 

If you have made it this far, then I commend you and I deeply, deeply thank you for taking the time to read it and help me out. I need to figure this out and hopefully there are some people out there that can help me! <3

Edited April 13, 2014 by jshuk

[bojangles]

Cut her off and move on. He may be manipulating her but she seems to be manipulating you. I'm currently going through a BU about a week ago but, as far as i'm aware, no other parties are involved. If you really care about her, even if she left that guy for good and you guys end up dating again, she's gonna fall into her old habits. You need to cut her off not only for your own sake but for her sake. If everything she is saying is true, she shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone. She's using you as a crutch to boost her own ego or self worth. I'm using the NC for me to get over my ex. If there's any feelings left down the road and she contacts me, so be it and i'll deal with it then but it's best good people like us try to move on. I know it's easier said and done but we don't really have a choice. For the next while, we just have to tough out whatever our brain/heart is throwing at us as our body is trying to rationalize a traumatic experience.

Edited April 14, 2014 by bojangles

[jshuk]

I do understand what you are saying and it definitely makes sense. As I say, I am definitely in a way better place now than I was before. But this recent bit of contact has thrown me quite a lot. As naive is it probably is, I do believe we can be super happy and have a long, satisfying and enjoyable relationship.

 

But as you say, that instability and weakness that she is displaying suggests that something else could happen even if this incident was resolved. Until she finds her own inner strength/peace and sorts out her problems, this could just be a recurring pattern of moments where my world gets turned upside down over and over again.

[golive]

I was recently in a very similar situation. She had a boyfriend and the "relationship was absolutely terrible". She wanted to be with me because I "made her feel ways she had never felt". In fact, she was "falling for me". In the end, it was all lies. She was using me for her own benefit. This is what is happening to you.

 

I'm glad you have been able to keep yourself composed up to this point. My best advice to you: run as fast as you can and don't look back. She is using you and doing her darnedest to keep you at bay. OPEN YOUR EYES. I'm glad you are in a better place than you once were, but you are going to go back to that place if you keep up what you're doing. Let this one walk - she is more trouble than its worth.

 

Good luck!

[bojangles]

You may be in a better place but a functioning loving relationship takes 2. You had feelings, dreams, plans with this other person who has hurt you now and are still coming to terms with it. The confusing feelings and wave of emotions that seem to come up are just a part of moving on. Hopefully with time, it gets easier. I figured the only only way to salvage a potential future with my current ex (whether it be another relationship, a friendship, or just mutual respect for her), I need to do me first and need to let her do her thing. What happens down the road will happen on both terms, not just my terms. Here's my situation if you feel like a read but just know that you're not the only one going through this: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/471708-same-story-different-fool-still

[jshuk]

Yeah I do understand that and I'm not allowing myself to act this out as some sort of unrequited desperation for her. It was just her comments recently about still having strong feelings and seeing a future and stuff that has thrown me. It makes that process of coming to terms with losing those dreams harder when they are seemingly resurrected.

 

To be honest, I was relatively over the hill a month or so ago. Like I said in the original post, I was a lot happier but I did still miss her in some capacity. So to learn that she was (allegedly) thinking about me so much the entire time, it dragged me back down a few steps.

 

The killer question I want to put to you guys though, how do you prevent yourself from the torture of thinking about them together? Because as of right now, I have these horrible images in my head. She told me that he has booked festival tickets (and when we were together, I spoke about wanting us to go to a festival because I'm a huge dance music fan) and I just feel sick with the thought of all that happening when I feel like it should be me.

 

I know it needs to be a case of facing up to the reality of it all, but how do you cope with those thoughts when you do face up to the reality of them?

[jshuk]

Thank you guys for your advice though. It does line up with what others have said and what the logical side of me believes to be true. It's just really hard to emotionally come to terms with when that affection is there, you know?

[golive]

Yeah I do understand that and I'm not allowing myself to act this out as some sort of unrequited desperation for her. It was just her comments recently about still having strong feelings and seeing a future and stuff that has thrown me. It makes that process of coming to terms with losing those dreams harder when they are seemingly resurrected.

 

To be honest, I was relatively over the hill a month or so ago. Like I said in the original post, I was a lot happier but I did still miss her in some capacity. So to learn that she was (allegedly) thinking about me so much the entire time, it dragged me back down a few steps.

 

The killer question I want to put to you guys though, how do you prevent yourself from the torture of thinking about them together? Because as of right now, I have these horrible images in my head. She told me that he has booked festival tickets (and when we were together, I spoke about wanting us to go to a festival because I'm a huge dance music fan) and I just feel sick with the thought of all that happening when I feel like it should be me.

 

I know it needs to be a case of facing up to the reality of it all, but how do you cope with those thoughts when you do face up to the reality of them?

 

Looking back, I acted out of desperation when she pulled back on me and I COMPLETELY regret it, especially given the fact that I wasn't even sure I really wanted anything serious with this woman. I just wanted to give it more of a chance than she did. Do not waste ANYMORE of your time. Given the fact that you are feeling so negative when it comes to this woman, do you really think she's worth that? No way, no how. As far as thinking about them being together, the only thought that should be running through your mind is better him than me. She's selfish. Let him have that.

 

As a side note, what I learned from my experience is to never move too fast, ESPECIALLY with a woman who is in a "rocky" relationship with another man. History always wins, regardless of how much of a knight in shining armor you are.

Edited April 14, 2014 by golive