Sgt. Pepper Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 My fiancé and I are in a long distance relationship and we recently came within a razors edge of breaking up because of my insecurities and rushin things. Things are still kinda strained and it breaks my heart. When I thought she was gone force I stopped eating and got sick to the point I was almost severely dehydrated. Shes still kinda mad at me for all our problems I just wish she truly understood how much I love her. I'd murder for her if she asked. If I ever lose her I'd probably give up on life. I've had three other serious relationships and I never felt like this about anyone. I view her as both my best friend, a lover, a mother (she came into my life at a time when my mother was dying and I nearly lost my mother), and a baby who I have to look after and protect. A lot of myself and my heart is bound up in her. I wish she's understand it.
Author Sgt. Pepper Posted April 13, 2014 Author Posted April 13, 2014 My fiancé and I very nearly broke up last week due to my being insecure, rushing things and being very negative. She would've been the dumper. Instead I've been given a final chance and am on probation. She is still chilly and somewhat distant but will say she loves me and call me pet names. She also refers to what happened last week as us fighting, in past tense. She has access to all my accounts (email, FB, bank account) and most of my passwords have her name or some variant. She was bored last night while I was sleeping and tried to log into my email to clean it out and she couldn't get in. She thought I changed the password and sent me a text saying: 'did you change all your passwords? If so that kinda hurts' (FYI I didn't change any she just misremembered it) Today she said she was sorry for seeming like she was accusing me, it just hurt her feelings to think that I'd change the passwords because it'd I don't care. Given her reaction to that, does it mean underneath her distance and chilliness, SHE still cares and still loves me?
sooshi Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 It doesn't sound like you love her. It sounds like you're obsessed with her, probably as a result of your insecurities. She's not a baby; she's supposed to be your partner. You're supposed to be a team. As I've said before, this isn't a healthy relationship. You're dependent on her. She almost ended the relationship, and you stopped eating and became very dehydrated. This is not healthy behaviour, and is a HUGE red flag that this is not a relationship that enhances your well-being. Another HUGE red flag is that you think she's the only thing that makes you happy. This is not love. I urge you to not marry this woman. You really need to work on yourself, and work out your issues with insecurity and self-esteem. This relationship, and your emotional and physical well-being, is going to head downhill if you choose to stay. 1
iDrumKing Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 You can't love someone without loving yourself first. 1
zen2475 Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 I'm sorry, but it sounds like you guys have some very unhealthy boundaries. Why would you give someone your passwords, even if it is your fiancé? You are still entitled to a certain amount of privacy, and more importantly, autonomy. Yes, she may still care, but it sounds like both of you are very insecure. The only way that gets fixed is from serious self-reflection and self work. There is nothing either of you can do for the other that will fix your inherent insecurities. As you know, insecurities fester and can spell a death knoll for any relationship. 1
sooshi Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 Sgt. Pepper, a partner who loves you doesn't put you on probation, or give you one last chance. Telling you that you only have one chance is only going to make you walk on eggshells and be worried about everything you said and do (and everything you don't say or don't do). You're going to spend the rest of the relationship miserable. Please stop doing this to yourself. This girl isn't healthy for you. This relationship isn't healthy for you. Also, I agree with zen about the boundaries and privacy, and that you both come across as very insecure. I hope you walk away soon, or you're going to be in a for a very, very painful bout. 2
hoping2heal Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 This just doesn't sound healthy. Put on probation because of a fight? What? Then again, I don't quite know your end of it either. Being negative and rushing things..what does that mean? Neither one of you sound very emotionally mature.
mtnbiker3000 Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 You cannot derive your happiness from someone else. It can and will be taken away... 1
Author Sgt. Pepper Posted April 14, 2014 Author Posted April 14, 2014 Sgt. Pepper, a partner who loves you doesn't put you on probation, or give you one last chance. Telling you that you only have one chance is only going to make you walk on eggshells and be worried about everything you said and do (and everything you don't say or don't do). You're going to spend the rest of the relationship miserable. Please stop doing this to yourself. This girl isn't healthy for you. This relationship isn't healthy for you. Also, I agree with zen about the boundaries and privacy, and that you both come across as very insecure. I hope you walk away soon, or you're going to be in a for a very, very painful bout. She and I belong together. Unhealthy or not. Sometimes that's what love is. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. Who else can truly judge another's love? Maybe it is unhealthy, but maybe also it will endure.
sooshi Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 You two do NOT belong together. She outright told you that she would rather be with a guy from some band than with you, her FIANCE. If you're going to just take that, then that's a strong indication that you don't care about yourself, and that you don't respect yourself. Love is not unhealthy, ever. You have so much growing up to do. I'm sorry to say that you're going to learn this the very hard and painful way. You've been asking us for our thoughts, but you're not listening to what anyone is saying. We're trying to protect you, not hurt you. But if you stay in this relationship, you WILL get hurt even more than you've been hurting. If I'm coming across as harsh, it's because I CARE and I DON'T want you to end up hurting unnecessarily. You do NOT deserve to be put on "probation" or to be told by your FIANCEE that she'd rather be with some guy from a band than with you. You do NOT deserve to have your partner be upset with the possibility of you changing your passwords. You have the right to privacy. You have the right to be respected! And you're not getting respect. When will you draw the line? 2
KaliLove Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 She and I belong together. Unhealthy or not. Sometimes that's what love is. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. Who else can truly judge another's love? Maybe it is unhealthy, but maybe also it will endure. Maybe for a while. Most likely not for very long. I have to agree with everyone else. This is a very unhealthy relationship, and it's most likely doomed. Sorry... 1
KaliLove Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 That's a whole lot of pressure to put on her. As Sooshi said, it doesn't sound like love, it sounds like obsession. As a few of us have said in your other thread..this is a very unhealthy relationship and it's not likely to last.
sooshi Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 mtnbiker is right. Happiness comes from within. If you blame your happiness on someone else, you're going to be disappointed. You've stopped eating and nearly killed yourself with dehydration because your fiancée almost left the relationship. Having your entire well-being dependent on someone is tragic. You've given her all of your power. But you know what? You've lived most of your life without her. You CAN live without her. Remember all of those years before you ever even knew her? You could be happy, you lived, you survived. You didn't make yourself stop eating or dehydrated. You could be yourself and not worry all the time about the possibility of setting her off, blowing your "one last chance." You weren't on probation. You weren't second place to a guy she's never met and is infatuated with (the guy from the pop band). You weren't in a relationship with someone who listened to music as an escape from the relationship. You deserve better than this. I know it's hard to see because you're so involved in this. So if you can't see it, can you imagine it from the perspective of this happening to someone you really care about going through all of that, and what you would think of the partner's treament towards this person and what you would say to the person you care?
Author Sgt. Pepper Posted April 14, 2014 Author Posted April 14, 2014 You two do NOT belong together. She outright told you that she would rather be with a guy from some band than with you, her FIANCE. If you're going to just take that, then that's a strong indication that you don't care about yourself, and that you don't respect yourself. Love is not unhealthy, ever. You have so much growing up to do. I'm sorry to say that you're going to learn this the very hard and painful way. You've been asking us for our thoughts, but you're not listening to what anyone is saying. We're trying to protect you, not hurt you. But if you stay in this relationship, you WILL get hurt even more than you've been hurting. If I'm coming across as harsh, it's because I CARE and I DON'T want you to end up hurting unnecessarily. You do NOT deserve to be put on "probation" or to be told by your FIANCEE that she'd rather be with some guy from a band than with you. You do NOT deserve to have your partner be upset with the possibility of you changing your passwords. You have the right to privacy. You have the right to be respected! And you're not getting respect. When will you draw the line? I was on probation cause I acted like an insecure ass. For months. I'm not walking on eggshells, or afraid. I just know I have to cut the bill and that would be the same for any girl. No girl wants insecurity. As far as the passwords, it was my idea, she didn't care either way when I put forth the idea. And that idea was due to my insecurity. People say a lot of stuff to others when angry. Even people in healthier relationships do and say mean stuff sometimes when pushed to the limit. I'm fine with this dysfunction.
Author Sgt. Pepper Posted April 14, 2014 Author Posted April 14, 2014 Maybe for a while. Most likely not for very long. I have to agree with everyone else. This is a very unhealthy relationship, and it's most likely doomed. Sorry... How long you give it? People said the same about both of my sisters marriages. They're still together with their husbands in 'unhealthy' relationships 15 and 16 years later.
KaliLove Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 She won't be fine with the dysfunction forever though.
KaliLove Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 How long you give it? People said the same about both of my sisters marriages. They're still together with their husbands in 'unhealthy' relationships 15 and 16 years later. How should I know? But definitely not forever.
sooshi Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 I don't understand. Are you really okay with making yourself stop eating and being dehydrated? Are you truly okay with the way your fiancee would choose some guy she's never met over you? You're justifying her behaviour. I get it, I've been there. But let's consider the facts. Why are you willing to spend your life with someone who would rather be with a guy she's never met? 1
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