you_can_not_see_me Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 OP you can be friends with guys you reject, but only distant friends! friends who only meet up every few months and mostly just serve as connections rather than hanging out partners.
learning_slowly Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 Every relationship will have some kind of non-platonic element if the people involved can be involved romantically. I'm sure you may have even looked at a gay friend and thought he looks great, but you know nothing could ever happen. I know in friendships where girls have fancied me more than them and vice-versa, but there was never any incentive to take it further. We were friends for other reasons than attraction. But in your case the main reason for you knowing each other was an attraction. So I don't see how they could not suddenly stop being attracted. Look at it if it was the other way round, would you want somebody to be your friend only as a friend if you fancied them? Also maybe they are just being polite? Finally, I've never dated on websites, but do you not see the person before you go on a date with them? This implies you must have a certain level of attraction. Then from one date you realise they are not for you. How do you realise so quickly? What do they all not have? Using that info, you could change your technique for choosing guys. e.g. if they are all unemployed, maybe start using a paid dating website etc. There was a Ted talk on online dating that maybe worth watching.
fortyninethousand322 Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 Personally, if it were me, I'd stop hanging out with them. Yes, you may like their company but unless you are truly open to something developing in the future, then I would not continue to give them false hope. Sometimes being a true friend means realizing that your presence in someone's life is causing more harm than good. 2
Diezel Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 Avoid the drama, just go out with your female friends. Problem solved. 1
GemmaUK Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 I don't do this. I have done once or twice in the past but they do attempt to 'date' you. One guy made the assumption that because I replied to him when he sent a message I was interested i him and wanted a relationship. I had been really clear from the start (blunt even) that I wasn't interested but he would just ignore me when I said it (and I said it several times). Some people do really only hear what they want to hear..or they really think 'no' means 'yes'.
irc333 Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 Yeah, seen this happen with a female friend of mine....it wouldn't be even after a first date, it was clear she had no interest in them, romantically (usually because they weren't physically appealing to her), but everytime a guy that she wasn't in was "asking her out" , she'd say, "Okay, we can go out, but as friends, okay??" And of course they say, "Suuuuuuure!" Then the awkwardness commences. Sometimes they'd carpool together to Meetup events, and when she'd be socializing with a guy, he'd come up from the side, put his hand on the small of her back and keep it there....as if to say in a non-verbal communication kind of way, "This is my girlfriend." He'd say things like, 'Honey" or "darling". She actually had to take this one guy aside to kindly tell him to "knock it off" because other men at the party will think that they are "together." That didnt turn out so well, they eventually cut off all contact with her. After so many times of this, she actually quit going to Meetup events and kind of wound up a homebody. LOL I very much struggle with the bolded. It's like by being their friend I am giving them false hope or leading them on. I also see in some situations that they are still interested in more i.e. they get uncomfortable when I talk about other guys. I had a friend that I met on OKC, went out with twice and didn't feel the spark. He wanted to remain friends and kept initiating getting together for a coffee or a drink. We did at about once per month. Then....he invited me to a NYE party and basically tried to kiss me and put moves on me. I know he had a few drinks but it led me to beleive that he was hoping that it's just a matter of time before we hooked up. Friendship quickly faded after that. My only solid male friends are gay.
irc333 Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 Wait a min.....this happens with men, too? j/k LOL...but it's kind of true....rarely you hear of men having men wanting women to be "Just friends" with them. I had to quit hanging out with a female friend because she just wouldn't stop trying to sleep with me even though I wanted to just be friends. It's amazing really, as a guy I never thought I'd have to do that and when I did it was pretty shocking. My friends still give me crap about it but for me it was best to cut ties and not hurt her feelings even more.
Salvatore85 Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 Wait a min.....this happens with men, too? j/k LOL...but it's kind of true....rarely you hear of men having men wanting women to be "Just friends" with them. I've done it more than once lol. I like who I like and I refuse to sleep with a female unless I have some sort of attraction towards her. My friends on the other, couldn't careless.
TB Rhine Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 i have had one guy transition into friends. He never me mentioned anything inappropriate since. Except after a break up ONCE he said "well if you ever want to be start something with me.... " He hasn't mentioned it since. He now refers to me as a little sister. LOL. The other guys....... One made a lewd remark about my wearing short skirts around him. Nothing Vulgar But Still. He also spoke about wwishing he could have dated me. Etc. He is fine now though. Strictly platonic. One guy has only ever been friends....... i think he did ask if I'd date a guy like him but really, I over 2 years that's all he's ever said. Seems you really know how to wear these guys down and train them well. 1
Trapito Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 I did end up going on two dates with the guy I talked about in this thread. I like him a lot, he is smart, funny (I love sarcastic humour) and underneath this big beardman, hides a very sweet loving person. I thought; Why not. I've been single for three years (been on dates and had a couple of flings). He is the most awesome person I know. After two dates I felt my feelings were not progressing, they stayed in gear one. He was already talking about the future and his feelings were progressing fast. I needed to cut it of now instead of later. I knew I was going to hurt him, and I didn't want to hurt him more than I would be already doing. Since he is also my friend, I told him in person. Usually after a couple of dates (2 or 3) I do this by phone or through text, after this number increases I always do this in person. He didn't take it well and I found it heartbreaking to tell him it is not going to work. I told him I would like to stay friens, but I understand if he is not interested. I told him I would give him as much time and space as he needed. We both cried, we hugged and then he went home. I felt like **** for breaking his heart. He took his space and is ok now, I don't give him breadcrumbs. We are starting to hang out again (group events only), and it seems we are getting along again as friends. I really love this guy as a friend, and I would like to keep him as a friend because he is a wonderful person. If he would tell me he is hurting from this contact, I would gracefully bow out.
ChessPieceFace Posted July 12, 2014 Posted July 12, 2014 Just depends on the maturity of the guy in question. If he's a grown up he can still like you without actually trying to make moves on you. I call it a lexical gap (missing word in the language.) There's a lot of things between friend and lover we never made words for. If I'm interested in a girl and they aren't available I have to cut them out of my life? That seems ridiculous. Beautiful women will be very lonely then.
phineas Posted July 12, 2014 Posted July 12, 2014 You know my story. I read this article this weekend and it really spoke to me: How Not To Date Your Best Friend | Jon Negroni "Girls, I’m going to let you in on a little secret you haven’t been letting yourself believe: 9 out of 10 guys only become your best friend so that they can date you. That’s pretty much a fact. I know this because I’ve done it, and so has almost every guy I’ve ever met or come in contact with. Girls, don’t take it the wrong way. In fact, it’s OK to be flattered by the fact that a guy is willing to be friends with you before harassing you with dating requests. The only problem is that constructs like the friend zone require an immense amount of maturity to navigate, and most guys don’t have the ability to handle that. So for that, ladies, I’m sorry." and this: "The key is to be transparent before you start building a close friendship. If you haven’t asked her out yet because you want to be friends first, then let her know. Let her know that you are attracted to her, but you’re willing to stay friends and be platonic, at least for now." And if I were you i would say this to the man: "And if the truth is that you only want to be my friend for the sake of a romantic relationship, then walk away and do some soul-searching" If both of you are transparent and communicate, then I say, if you are comfortable with the friendship, enjoy their company, go for it. My female best friend is on Match.com again and she gets this all the time. After a date or two, where says No to the next date, they say "we can be friends" or she will say to me "I like him and can be friends with him". Yes, so long as both of you state your intentions clearly and are transparent. My best friend has been a man & will always be a man. I see him a handful of times a yr these days & we actually may not even be best friends anymore however we can count on each other no matter what. I have a handful of ladies I hang out with regularly. Been hanging with them about a yr. I can't count on them for chit. LOL! I also only hang with them in a group. Not interested in one-on-one stuff cause I have zero interest in dating them & to be honest they're all party girls whose interests include : drinking partying looking hot & allowing random guys to buy them drinks all night while having zero intentions of actually dating them. They are also kinda boring to talk to. However, since hanging with them i've been out a lot more & met a lot more women and consequently gotten laid more. That said it sometimes does get annoying babysitting them when they get too drunk or some guy gets too aggressive with them.
RonaldS Posted July 12, 2014 Posted July 12, 2014 I've friend-zoned some dates....and ended up with some good friends. It's always worth having friends, and in this day and age where they're stored conveniently on your iPhone, why not? This isn't 1923 anymore, where having friends meant solid time and emotional investments. There are numerous categories of friends. And, you never know. You just never know.
Trapito Posted August 23, 2014 Posted August 23, 2014 Well.. The friend-thing didn't really work out. He became jealous of coworkers (who are just really that, coworkers), and wanted to hang out at my place. Uhm.. No. He is my friend, coworker and senior. This is not healthy, I cut him loose. I would love to be friends, just like before, but it is hurting him. I try to be as professional as possible, just like we were before. Maybe, just maybe we can be friends again in the future. I do hope so, he is a wonderful person. This is the exact reason I never dated a coworker before. I always saw it leaded to ****.
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