Ruby Slippers Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 I pretty recently started going out and dating again after a breakup 6 months ago. I'm meeting and going on dates with guys who I think are OK, but I haven't met anyone I see lasting potential with yet. After I let them down easy, some of them say they'd like to be friends. Since I'm pushing myself to be more social and make new friends again, it sounds like a reasonably good idea. But I've always struggled with the idea of remaining friends with guys who are clearly interested in something more, but will settle for friendship. In fact, it feels so strange to me that I've never done it. Sure, I've had guy friends where it was clear that we just weren't interested in each other that way and were both totally happy being friends and nothing more - musicians I've played music with, for example. As for friend-zoned fellas, I've gone out with some of them a few more times, but they're either trying to pay for everything while we're hanging out, flirting a little, or suggesting in other ways that they're still trying to win me over as more than a friend. So are these guys really not interested in being friends, but sitting there waiting to pounce at the right moment? That's kind of what it feels like. One of my friends says I should just go out and enjoy myself, let them take me out and flirt if they want. She says if I've made it clear I'm not interested in anything more than friendship, and they keep trying, it's on them. She says maybe they just really enjoy spending time with me, even if it doesn't become romantic or sexual. I feel weird about it - but maybe it would be good for me to learn to take these things less seriously. Thoughts?
soccerrprp Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 ...but maybe it would be good for me to learn to take these things less seriously. Thoughts? Yeah, if you've made it clear that you don't want more and they continue taking you out, then it is on them. Enjoy the company. Also, I would guess that they are waiting for an opportunity to either have a relationship with you or get into your pants. 3
FitChick Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 If they like you they will be grasping at straws for any flicker of interest on your part. You can find out for sure if they will accept only friendship by asking them to fix you up with an eligible friend or coworker. I promise you they will disappear! 5
carhill Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 It's possible, and healthy, to socialize with friends whom one has established mutual rapport, trust and respect with. Facilitating guys hanging around as friends to flirt with (you can flirt with any guy, anywhere) takes one away from such socializing. If you want to hone your social and flirting skills, there are plenty of opportunities to do that with strangers when out socializing with friends. IMO, I'd refrain from any interpretation of 'leading on' any particular man who's shown clear romantic interest in you, even if he says being 'friends' is OK with him. Men's brains simply work differently than women's do, and come to think of it, I can't ever recall a spurned woman hanging around as a 'friend'. Perhaps there's a lesson in that. Good luck!
somedude81 Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 As for friend-zoned fellas, I've gone out with some of them a few more times, but they're either trying to pay for everything while we're hanging out, flirting a little, or suggesting in other ways that they're still trying to win me over as more than a friend. So are these guys really not interested in being friends, but sitting there waiting to pounce at the right moment? That's kind of what it feels like. That's what it feels like because that's exactly what it is. They're just trying a different approach. 4
sagetalk Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 After I let them down easy, some of them say they'd like to be friends. Since I'm pushing myself to be more social and make new friends again, it sounds like a reasonably good idea. Terrible idea from both sides. They are wasting their time and you are wasting your time. If you want to be genuine friends, then fine, but if they are pursuing you romantically, then don't do it. It's not worth boosting your ego at the risk of settling and being happy with just a bunch of guy friends you aren't attracted to. It also screws them over because they could be going after something that could lead to a relationship.
gaius Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 Some guys enjoy a challenge. Even if it ends in defeat. If you enjoy the company of a persistent guy then by all means hang out with them still.
TB Rhine Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 Yeah, if you've made it clear that you don't want more and they continue taking you out, then it is on them. Enjoy the company. Feminism, ladies and gentlemen. A guy who wanted to be your friend would not continue flirting with you, and CERTAINLY would not be offering to pay when the two of you go out -- that's him trying to assert his role as "the guy," which would only be appropriate if he plans on having a romantic (or at least sexual) relationship with you. Do not hang out with these guys, as A) You'll be taking advantage of them, regardless of whether or not they've willingly put themselves in the position for you to do so. If someone walks alone down a dark alley, is it "on them" if they get mugged? Do we write the perpetrator a pass? And B) They'll just end up trying to get with you anyway, and when you refuse, they'll drop you like a bad habit. 1
UnlitCandle Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 As someone who has Bros in the friend zone, I'd say the whole "lets be friends" thing leaves the man with a glimmer of hope. But if you insist on having them as friends, gotta be stern with them. No dates, go dutch on everything and make it crystal clear that you're just friends, nothing more. If he doesn't take the hint after a while, you gotta stop it all together. 4
Leigh 87 Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 Yeah, it can get REALLY annoying, Ruby slippers........ i have had one guy transition into friends. He never me mentioned anything inappropriate since. Except after a break up ONCE he said "well if you ever want to be start something with me.... " He hasn't mentioned it since. He now refers to me as a little sister. LOL. The other guys....... One made a lewd remark about my wearing short skirts around him. Nothing Vulgar But Still. He also spoke about wwishing he could have dated me. Etc. He is fine now though. Strictly platonic. One guy has only ever been friends....... i think he did ask if I'd date a guy like him but really, I over 2 years that's all he's ever said. Personally I would leave it u less they are intellectually brilliant and you enjoy picking their brain. Be "friens" if you get something out of it. Idle chit chat isn't worth having to put up with annoying remarks regarding their interest in dating you. Especially after a break up... All you want is the ex and they are saying that THEY would love to date you.... it's so annoying :/
Do_The_Herp Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 If you genuinely enjoy their company, and you feel that they know that you simply enjoy their company as a friend and not a potential lover, what's the harm? You're not lying to yourself since you've laid out all of your pieces. They're lying to themselves for thinking that there's more behind what you're telling them. If you still feel bad, just find someone who IS interested in or genuinely ok with a platonic relationship with you.
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 I pretty recently started going out and dating again after a breakup 6 months ago. I'm meeting and going on dates with guys who I think are OK, but I haven't met anyone I see lasting potential with yet. After I let them down easy, some of them say they'd like to be friends. Since I'm pushing myself to be more social and make new friends again, it sounds like a reasonably good idea. But I've always struggled with the idea of remaining friends with guys who are clearly interested in something more, but will settle for friendship. In fact, it feels so strange to me that I've never done it. Sure, I've had guy friends where it was clear that we just weren't interested in each other that way and were both totally happy being friends and nothing more - musicians I've played music with, for example. As for friend-zoned fellas, I've gone out with some of them a few more times, but they're either trying to pay for everything while we're hanging out, flirting a little, or suggesting in other ways that they're still trying to win me over as more than a friend. So are these guys really not interested in being friends, but sitting there waiting to pounce at the right moment? That's kind of what it feels like. One of my friends says I should just go out and enjoy myself, let them take me out and flirt if they want. She says if I've made it clear I'm not interested in anything more than friendship, and they keep trying, it's on them. She says maybe they just really enjoy spending time with me, even if it doesn't become romantic or sexual. I feel weird about it - but maybe it would be good for me to learn to take these things less seriously. Thoughts? I very much struggle with the bolded. It's like by being their friend I am giving them false hope or leading them on. I also see in some situations that they are still interested in more i.e. they get uncomfortable when I talk about other guys. I had a friend that I met on OKC, went out with twice and didn't feel the spark. He wanted to remain friends and kept initiating getting together for a coffee or a drink. We did at about once per month. Then....he invited me to a NYE party and basically tried to kiss me and put moves on me. I know he had a few drinks but it led me to beleive that he was hoping that it's just a matter of time before we hooked up. Friendship quickly faded after that. My only solid male friends are gay. 3
Author Ruby Slippers Posted April 14, 2014 Author Posted April 14, 2014 Reading the replies here reaffirms my original stance on the matter: Don't bother. 5
Standard-Fare Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 I don't know if I'd go as far as "Don't Bother." Maybe just "Proceed with Healthy Caution." Sometimes in these situations you can BOTH realize you're not meant to be a couple, but you still enjoy hanging out together, so why not? It's happened to me before in a couple situations where I definitely haven't broken the guy's heart or anything. I'd say just make sure you're veering away from more "date-like" activities like going out to dinner (since you mentioned that). Ideally try to involve them in activities with a larger group to show them you really do mean it as a social thing. And someone else here mentioned suggesting setups for them. I don't think that's a bad idea -- not with the goal of making them flee, but to show them you're for real. If they do flee, I guess you know the story.
Cunning_Linguist Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 Personally, I've been friend zoned and continued to hang out with her, and then tried to bang her friends. I saw it as an opportunity to expand my social circle. If she explicitly tells me she's not interested, then I don't pursue her romantically. If you enjoy spending time with the guys, then I don't see why you can't be friends. Just reinforce the boundaries from time to time. Maybe even help him get laid.
LustAppeal Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 I read through some of the comments, but I'm going to focus on the OP's questions. I believe that two people can be friends while one has more feeling for the other, I managed to do it all through highschool and even though those feelings are now gone we still remain friends. It is important that you do not lead these people on though. When it comes to going out, go out as a group and not just the two of you, pay for yourself, and act as if you two are nothing more than "Friends." When it comes to flirting it can be challenging and even talking to the opposite sex can be considered it. Just make sure you stay away from sexual topics, or things that could provoke more of an intimate side. Don't send them random "I'm thinking of you" good morning or good night texts. And PLEASE PLEASE don't ever say "Do it for me." The girl I had a crush on once told me "Go to bed, have a good sleep for me." That really miss-led me. Hope this helped. Key thing to remember is that if it seems to be more of a boyfriend/girlfriend thing... Don't do it. 1
TB Rhine Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 I would say, "String the guy along if you must, but at least give the poor bastard fair warning to lock his wallet down tight."
truth_seeker Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 I pretty recently started going out and dating again after a breakup 6 months ago. I'm meeting and going on dates with guys who I think are OK, but I haven't met anyone I see lasting potential with yet. After I let them down easy, some of them say they'd like to be friends. Since I'm pushing myself to be more social and make new friends again, it sounds like a reasonably good idea. But I've always struggled with the idea of remaining friends with guys who are clearly interested in something more, but will settle for friendship. In fact, it feels so strange to me that I've never done it. Sure, I've had guy friends where it was clear that we just weren't interested in each other that way and were both totally happy being friends and nothing more - musicians I've played music with, for example. As for friend-zoned fellas, I've gone out with some of them a few more times, but they're either trying to pay for everything while we're hanging out, flirting a little, or suggesting in other ways that they're still trying to win me over as more than a friend. So are these guys really not interested in being friends, but sitting there waiting to pounce at the right moment? That's kind of what it feels like. One of my friends says I should just go out and enjoy myself, let them take me out and flirt if they want. She says if I've made it clear I'm not interested in anything more than friendship, and they keep trying, it's on them. She says maybe they just really enjoy spending time with me, even if it doesn't become romantic or sexual. I feel weird about it - but maybe it would be good for me to learn to take these things less seriously. Thoughts? Go out with them and test them. If they want to be just friends, have you as a wing woman, that works. If not, then it's all a front to get close hoping they will score with you.
BreakOnThrough Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 I don't understand why a Guy would hang out with a Girl as "just friends". :confused:The upside is pretty low unless he is getting sex out of it. Most Women have very little to offer intellectually and are a bore, so what's the point?
Author Ruby Slippers Posted April 15, 2014 Author Posted April 15, 2014 Go out with them and test them. If they want to be just friends, have you as a wing woman, that works. If not, then it's all a front to get close hoping they will score with you. So far, any guy who said he still wants to hang out as friends seems to be lying - because they continue to flirt and try to win me over in a romantic way. If anything, they tend to just up their game - I guess they see it as a challenge. But it's not going to happen. Hence my conclusion that there's no point. 3
Succession Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 So far, any guy who said he still wants to hang out as friends seems to be lying - because they continue to flirt and try to win me over in a romantic way. If anything, they tend to just up their game - I guess they see it as a challenge. But it's not going to happen. Hence my conclusion that there's no point. The litmus test I use to determine whether someone is genuinely interested in friendship - would they want to meet someone else I'm dating, and would I want them to meet? The answer tells you a lot about their intentions. It also forces you to be self aware of whether you want them as a friend rather than an ego booster. Tell them you met someone new, and ask if they'd like to hang out with you and the new guy. With some exceptions, this will tell you what you need to know about how you both feel about the dynamic.
Salvatore85 Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 I had to quit hanging out with a female friend because she just wouldn't stop trying to sleep with me even though I wanted to just be friends. It's amazing really, as a guy I never thought I'd have to do that and when I did it was pretty shocking. My friends still give me crap about it but for me it was best to cut ties and not hurt her feelings even more. 1
Trapito Posted April 15, 2014 Posted April 15, 2014 This is a tough one.. I have a guy-friend whom I really like. He is awesome, but I only see him as a friend. I stated a couple of times that I'm not looking for anything, just friendship. His actions tell me he wants more (and I can not give him what he wants). I would like to keep him as a friend, but if this is hurting him then I need to stop hanging out with him. 2
Babolat Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 (edited) I pretty recently started going out and dating again after a breakup 6 months ago. I'm meeting and going on dates with guys who I think are OK, but I haven't met anyone I see lasting potential with yet. After I let them down easy, some of them say they'd like to be friends. Since I'm pushing myself to be more social and make new friends again, it sounds like a reasonably good idea. But I've always struggled with the idea of remaining friends with guys who are clearly interested in something more, but will settle for friendship. In fact, it feels so strange to me that I've never done it. Sure, I've had guy friends where it was clear that we just weren't interested in each other that way and were both totally happy being friends and nothing more - musicians I've played music with, for example. As for friend-zoned fellas, I've gone out with some of them a few more times, but they're either trying to pay for everything while we're hanging out, flirting a little, or suggesting in other ways that they're still trying to win me over as more than a friend. So are these guys really not interested in being friends, but sitting there waiting to pounce at the right moment? That's kind of what it feels like. One of my friends says I should just go out and enjoy myself, let them take me out and flirt if they want. She says if I've made it clear I'm not interested in anything more than friendship, and they keep trying, it's on them. She says maybe they just really enjoy spending time with me, even if it doesn't become romantic or sexual. I feel weird about it - but maybe it would be good for me to learn to take these things less seriously. Thoughts? You know my story. I read this article this weekend and it really spoke to me: How Not To Date Your Best Friend | Jon Negroni "Girls, I’m going to let you in on a little secret you haven’t been letting yourself believe: 9 out of 10 guys only become your best friend so that they can date you. That’s pretty much a fact. I know this because I’ve done it, and so has almost every guy I’ve ever met or come in contact with. Girls, don’t take it the wrong way. In fact, it’s OK to be flattered by the fact that a guy is willing to be friends with you before harassing you with dating requests. The only problem is that constructs like the friend zone require an immense amount of maturity to navigate, and most guys don’t have the ability to handle that. So for that, ladies, I’m sorry." and this: "The key is to be transparent before you start building a close friendship. If you haven’t asked her out yet because you want to be friends first, then let her know. Let her know that you are attracted to her, but you’re willing to stay friends and be platonic, at least for now." And if I were you i would say this to the man: "And if the truth is that you only want to be my friend for the sake of a romantic relationship, then walk away and do some soul-searching" If both of you are transparent and communicate, then I say, if you are comfortable with the friendship, enjoy their company, go for it. My female best friend is on Match.com again and she gets this all the time. After a date or two, where says No to the next date, they say "we can be friends" or she will say to me "I like him and can be friends with him". Yes, so long as both of you state your intentions clearly and are transparent. Edited May 19, 2014 by Babolat
TheBladeRunner Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 This is a tough one.. I have a guy-friend whom I really like. He is awesome, but I only see him as a friend. I stated a couple of times that I'm not looking for anything, just friendship. His actions tell me he wants more (and I can not give him what he wants). I would like to keep him as a friend, but if this is hurting him then I need to stop hanging out with him. I had this same thing happen only it was ME that was interested. I got smart and took a 6 week break from her and she called out of the blue and wanted to hang out. We are still just friends to this day and I am OK with that because she is really great and we are just friends even on my end. She helped set me up with a friend of hers as well......we'll see where that one goes . It's good to have friends, it makes it easier to meet other people. 1
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