isisisweeping Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 (edited) So, starting dating, I was told there's a lot of guys out there who will use you for sex- especially online. I wasn't too scared because I only ever have interest in super smart, super nice guys. But I noted it. The closest to bad I ever got was my ex husband and clearly he never used me for sex. But, I have not run into that. I've had guys with high immediate interest but then they all want to be friends. And seriously be friends- as in text me fairly often to see how I am and such, invite me out (to public places, daylight, with their other friends), etc. several times. None of them have started another different relationship to indicate I just fell behind the competition. (Which would be possible with my highly limited free time, I admit .) Those who seemed to maintain interest were circumstances I had to end (mainly due to distance or future distance). They also wanted to remain friends but I know the attraction is there. (They were all also cold approaches while I was traveling.) Every one knew I was a single mom of one before date one and most have dated other single moms or thought it was awesome. I don't think I'm ugly. Or rather, I do secretly think that but I'm assured that's not the case. I am approached by guys in public who have nothing but my looks to go on not infrequently. (Not daily either but I don't do bars or clubs. Not my scene.). The guys I choose to date would typically be considered less attractive than I am, from a purely popular culture assessment. (Actually the ones who maintained interest were better looking from an objective standpoint than those who did not.) Add to this that my three exes (two ex fiancés and an ex husband) all told me I was amazing and wonderful and they love me but realized they were never in love with me... They just thought I was a wonderful person and the sex was amazing. And I'll develop an issue. So, no feelings hurt, I promise. Tell me what's up. Why am I getting befriended instead of lusted after? No one has even attempted to use me for sex- not that they could because if I choose to have sec I know what I'm dining but no one has pushed for anything like I was warned about by every single one of my single friends. Edited April 13, 2014 by isisisweeping
Secret Advisor Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 Maybe you are inadvertently not being flirty or encouraging. Despite everything you have heard, so-called beautiful woman do not get more sexual attention than others.
bryceisbryce Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 If you're into really nice guys, there's a chance they are waiting for a sign that you are attracted before making a move. If they feel like you only view them as friends they will only view as a friend. I suggest being a bit flirtier, make more eye contact, slide a couple of innuendos into conversations. 2
Vyliss Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 I'm guessing you lack a feminine quality? If you're not very feminine, you don't wear feminine clothes that show off your curves, you don't flirt etc you may have an awesome personality, but if there's no sexual tension, guys may find it hard seeing you as a sexual being.
Author isisisweeping Posted April 13, 2014 Author Posted April 13, 2014 I'm guessing you lack a feminine quality? If you're not very feminine, you don't wear feminine clothes that show off your curves, you don't flirt etc you may have an awesome personality, but if there's no sexual tension, guys may find it hard seeing you as a sexual being. I'm not big on makeup and clothes and such. Never have been. I do flirt. Maybe I'm subconsciously cutting it back where there's an actual chance worried about all the warnings I've heard? Though I did not have this problem a decade ago. Or twelve years. When I met my ex husband. But who's counting? (****, time marches on- doesn't it) Back then my problem was guys who I thought were my friends secretly wanting more- the opposite! I've always have had lots of male and female friends. But this is- as far as I know- I've not been single very much in my life.
soccerrprp Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 Add to this that my three exes (two ex fiancés and an ex husband) all told me I was amazing and wonderful and they love me but realized they were never in love with me... They just thought I was a wonderful person and the sex was amazing. Why am I getting befriended instead of lusted after? You are and have been "lusted" after. The guys are saying that the sex was amazing. So, lust, yes, love, no. You've had 2 ex fiances and an ex husband. Most can't claim that, so there's definitely interest. You say you like very intelligent, nice guys, so perhaps your personality is a little to introverted for most guy's tastes? Or, if you're very intelligent, that pushes guys away? So, have you dated other guys and had sex with them? Other than the three exes mentioned?
Vyliss Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 Being feminine isn't just about makeup and clothes.. although that helps. It's how you carry yourself and your personality too. Would you say you treat men and women exactly the same? Perhaps that may be the problem. With men, especially men you're attracted to, you should feel more "feminine" like you would blush, act more giggly, more girly etc.
Author isisisweeping Posted April 13, 2014 Author Posted April 13, 2014 You are and have been "lusted" after. The guys are saying that the sex was amazing. So, lust, yes, love, no. You've had 2 ex fiances and an ex husband. Most can't claim that, so there's definitely interest. You say you like very intelligent, nice guys, so perhaps your personality is a little to introverted for most guy's tastes? Or, if you're very intelligent, that pushes guys away? So, have you dated other guys and had sex with them? Other than the three exes mentioned? I meant, lately. The times when I met the three there was more guys wanting a relationship than I could handle. Including a couple premature proposals from guys who I thought were friends. I've not had sex with any of the guys I've dated. I've had sex with a couple other guys in my life beside the three.
Author isisisweeping Posted April 13, 2014 Author Posted April 13, 2014 Being feminine isn't just about makeup and clothes.. although that helps. It's how you carry yourself and your personality too. Would you say you treat men and women exactly the same? Perhaps that may be the problem. With men, especially men you're attracted to, you should feel more "feminine" like you would blush, act more giggly, more girly etc. Hmm I really don't know. I might. I wonder if I've just picked that up after years of not being single. I joke with my friends that I'm at my most emotionally stable and mature ever and suddenly guys lose interest, but maybe in that I did lose that quality too.
sagetalk Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 You have to be blunt with genuinely nice men, that's why so many women run away from them. Bad boys are the easy way out. Tell them you are interested in more, if they reject, well, welcome to the world of being a guy. We go through that crap all the time. Nice men are the best kind if you want marriage and a solid long term relationship. If you just want men to pet your ego and make it easy for you in the short term, then run away from nice guys. There is no perfect dating situation, each type of guy has his drawbacks, but the genuinely nice ones have the fewest and least painful ones. 2
GemmaUK Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 How many of these guys (the ones who want friendship) were/are you attracted to as more than a friend? I know we all dress for ourselves but what kind of clothes are you wearing to your dates? Are your OLD photos accurate and up to date?
Author isisisweeping Posted April 13, 2014 Author Posted April 13, 2014 How many of these guys (the ones who want friendship) were/are you attracted to as more than a friend? I know we all dress for ourselves but what kind of clothes are you wearing to your dates? Are your OLD photos accurate and up to date? 1. Hard question- attraction grows for me since it's very mental for me. They all had potential. 2. I bought new clothes and makeup for the first time for these dates so I did dress up to the extent appropriate to the activities. 3. Yes, very accurate. I had male and female friends vet everything to make sure I was not misleading. Only thing I was told is I wasn't sharing my best photos and I look better in person. Each one did request a second third fourth date before the friendship.
GemmaUK Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 1. Hard question- attraction grows for me since it's very mental for me. They all had potential. 2. I bought new clothes and makeup for the first time for these dates so I did dress up to the extent appropriate to the activities. 3. Yes, very accurate. I had male and female friends vet everything to make sure I was not misleading. Only thing I was told is I wasn't sharing my best photos and I look better in person. Each one did request a second third fourth date before the friendship. By mental do you mean you need to be attracted to their views or have views similar to theirs? Or do you mean more of a familiarity breeds attraction basis? Might sound like a silly question but were you comfortable in teh new clothes? What kind of things did you do on the dates? What did you talk about? Did you ever get mildly flirty eg touching their forearm or hand holding or anything? Kissing? Did you have fun on the dates? You seem pretty together so I'm wondering if maybe they may have felt a bit like it was an interview or felt they weren't good enough for you in some way? I'm not trying to sound harsh here but it does seem strange..although you clearly have no trouble attracting and attracting for more than one date. Just had another thought too. You said you have quite a busy life. Did you speak much about that? As in how busy it is? They may have felt there wouldn't be time for them in your schedule perhaps?
FitChick Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 I am the same in that I need to get comfortable and familiar with a man before deciding he is dating material. I don't go by looks alone. However, if I am attracted on a basic level and want to escalate things, I will walk very close, grab their elbow when walking across the street, touch their hand or forearm if we are sitting and speaking about something funny or exciting, etc. A touch makes it clear that he is a date not a buddy.
Mrin Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 Just to add my thoughts - if you come across as guarded or indifferent to them, they will eventually move you into the friend zone. No sense chasing something that isn't there. How are your date conversations? Do you ever initiate contact?
Recommended Posts