Koans Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 (edited) I been with this gurl LDR 3 yrs. We broke up coz I asked her to think about moving to live in my state. She backed out and got cold feet. Today I realized she committed emotional infidelity. This is what Im about to send. Appreciate input. I know you cheated on me. "Emotional Infidelity". Look it up. Thats how chic got divorced. "One day it'll all make sense". And it did. Look. You got two options. You can call it quits with this guy. Have some time to yourself and think things through, or you can lose me forever. I dont give a fuuuk anymore. ***kk your honeymooon stage. You are selfish like your auntie.. And you know she was wrong for it. Now you can try to repair this with me. Or you can do what you selfishly want to do. I know you lied to me and twisted words around. And didn't mention things that you should of. And now you live with guilt and your own nightmares. You are mirroring your past ex's. Wow seriously. Its ***kked up coz I've mentioned every female to you. You aint even keeping it real anymore. I know you were pulling straws out the hat to reasons why we broke up. Dont even lie. Ain't nothing you said was the true reason why we broke up. I know you emotionally was attracted to this guy. You forced love with me coz you had your heart in someone else. Hooking up in a week?! Dont play me for a fool. From the gurl who got cheated on twice and as tempted as I was I never pulled that shiiit on you. He aint Jesus. Either he will or you will, dump each other one day. Fair warning. Dont think Im waiting for you. I dont even trust you anymore. Consider this day one for you. I'm reaching out to give you another chance. And the time is now. What can this kid do better than me. If you don't take this opportunity. You are admitting immaturity. Say good bye to anything u know about me. Take a lighter and burn our pictures. Don't worry how I figured it out. Something about the mall..hmmm..yea don't bs me. I'd never thought YOU. YOUUUU. Would do this to me. Shoes...yea it makes perfect sense. Don't even try to reply defending yourself. If you wanna go back to who you were. Cool with me. If you want to get back the guy who turned your life around then do it now. If this is who you really are. Good luck with your character flaw. Third times a charm and you took me for granted. Last yr, you were hella down in coming here, "hotel hospitality" degree to come to Vegas, this year, "dont wait for me". Makes perfect sense. I'm forgiving but the fuse is short and the time is ticking. But I aint even trippin coz I kept it 100% and real. At the end of the day, it you, who have to live with being your own enemy. Edited April 13, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Ordinaryday Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 (edited) I been with this gurl LDR 3 yrs. We broke up coz I asked her to think about moving to live in my state. She backed out and got cold feet. Today I realized she committed emotional infidelity. This is what Im about to send. Appreciate input. <SNIP> DONT DONT DONT DONT DONT DONT DONT send it! Edited April 13, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Author Koans Posted April 13, 2014 Author Posted April 13, 2014 And can I ask why? What do I have to lose and what do I have to gain.
Ordinaryday Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 And can I ask why? What do I have to lose and what do I have to gain. Where do I start??? 1) the whole letter is just so bitter and angry, it won't make any ex think "oh no, I am horrible". it will make them think something more like "oh what a psycho, thank God I dumped him". I am not saying this is justified, but I speak from experience. 2) way too long! she probably won't even read it all, let alone respond to it. and the long letter simply shows that you put A LOT of thought into it. 3) it comes across as such an attack on her, and believe me, in everyone's minds they justify their own actions and people are always the hero of their own story. she does not see what she did as being as bad (or bad at all) as you do. she has rationalised it to herself. guarantee it. so sending this bitter attack will just make you look angry and not cool. 4) it gives her the 'upper hand' because the moment you send it she gets the 'power' - the power to choose whether or not to respond, what to say, and she knows you are WAITING for a response - this gives her the upperhand! why do you want to give her that?? don't contact her! and if she contacts you keep your response MUCH SHORTER, less bitter, and yes, you can essentially say the same thing in a much conciser snappier message. 4
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 And can I ask why? What do I have to lose and what do I have to gain. Messages (letters, emails, texts, etc) are the worst thing ever. There are 900 reasons why they are bad and 0 why they are good. Honestly, just trust people on here. That letter made me cringe. 1
Author Koans Posted April 13, 2014 Author Posted April 13, 2014 Well now Im glad I got advice before I thought about sending it. Good ****. Yea coz she didnt reply to my last email. But i kinda didnt care. It helped me move on. If you care to read my last email that I actually sent. I would appreciate what your impression is on this one...Here we go... I just want to retype what I said in the text so its clear. I asked, did you have any interest and are you moving on. You said no. One of the last things you said on the night of our break up is, "Why would I say wait for me when idk how long I'll take coz I have to feel it out. I'm not movin on." You also said, "I have to do this for me". The space you wanted, is the space I gave you. So I gave you a week of space. Coz I respected you and I told you that I didn't want to take away the wisdom from what ever you're tryn'a learn. I thought you needed the space to see if you could fall back in love with me again. Well duh, how could you when you decided to rather get with someone else without letting me know that, that's what you really wanted to do. That's what I find selfish. Yea we talked about the "other side of the fence". But I took it as a break from me. Not leaving me for someone else. Their is no fence after this.. Before I even knew all that, I proposed to go to Chicago to work things out. And you hit me with the new guy, "save your money, I'm happily with someone", in a matter of a week. How do you think I felt in my position. It was like you weren't being considerate of my feelings and rubbed it in my face. As easy it was for you to bridge from me to him, my world came crashing. Especially how quickly you bonded. It makes me wonder so many things. Like when did he come into the picture?. How do you know this guy? If you knew of him prior, why don't I know him? How do you know him? Was he the shoulder to cry on?. Was he the one you consulted our problems to instead of me?. That's what hurts me so bad. That's really the real reason of why we broke up. You replaced me with him coz he whispered sweet nothings. I felt like you kicked me to the curb like I'm suppose to easily move on when I didn't even do anything wrong or bad to you. I single handedly changed your whole life around. But you don't owe me anything back. I'm just a big hearted person. You lost something great lub. You lost me, I didn't lose you. Minus the love, I made an impact in your personal life in a big way. I opened your eyes. You didn't really change my personal life, you just showed me how much of a great person you are. The impact is you just leaving mine. I have such a big heart. I almost didn't even want to send you these emails so you could happily date this guy with my support without stressing out. But I had to do this to find my own happiness. Coz of the distance always getting to me, I tried to hang in their all through our relationship, when my own candle of love was flickering. What mattered to me was you as a person. You are a good person. Inside and out. That's what attracted me. And whenever I saw you, I was always reminded of why it's worth it to keep you. I shared real love with you and not anything less. I lost my best friend in in the blink of an eye. I wouldn't of tripped this hard if you told me from the beginning if dating others is really why you wanted to break up. But idk, nothing went accordingly and I felt like I got stabbed in the back. And even after that, I still tried to be the bigger man by brushing it off and be understanding to your motives. Even tho I felt how it went down was a little dirty. I don't hold it against you. I know psychologically, confusion, possibility of regret, uncertainty, escape etc was jumbled in your head. But at the same time you are responsible for your actions. But coz we didn't break up for a bad reason and we still managed tried to make our relations right after the fact, is what still make me see you in a good light. That you were willing to make it right with me. But you're so gone from me now that I slowly accepting the fact that I am a chapter in your life. Everything you say is just pushing me away. From me to you, person to person, minus the love, we are really big hearted good individuals who are rare to find who proved it many times to each other. So it's a shame of how this is going down.
Ordinaryday Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 Messages (letters, emails, texts, etc) are the worst thing ever. There are 900 reasons why they are bad and 0 why they are good. Honestly, just trust people on here. That letter made me cringe. someone once told me to never put anything post-breakup to the ex, in writing. because once an email or text is sent it is SENT, it can never be erased. anything you said in the heat of the moment or whatever will be there permanently! if you HAVE to speak to your ex maybe do it by phone or something because then if you say something bad or nasty it DOES NOT HAVE A PERMANENT RECORD and later if you regret it you can lie and claim you were misquoted or they misheard you or something. but once it is in writing it is there FOREVER.
Ordinaryday Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 Well now Im glad I got advice before I thought about sending it. Good ****. Yea coz she didnt reply to my last email. But i kinda didnt care. It helped me move on. If you care to read my last email that I actually sent. I would appreciate what your impression is on this one...Here we go... I just want to retype what I said in the text so its clear. I asked, did you have any interest and are you moving on. You said no. One of the last things you said on the night of our break up is, "Why would I say wait for me when idk how long I'll take coz I have to feel it out. I'm not movin on." You also said, "I have to do this for me". The space you wanted, is the space I gave you. So I gave you a week of space. Coz I respected you and I told you that I didn't want to take away the wisdom from what ever you're tryn'a learn. I thought you needed the space to see if you could fall back in love with me again. Well duh, how could you when you decided to rather get with someone else without letting me know that, that's what you really wanted to do. That's what I find selfish. Yea we talked about the "other side of the fence". But I took it as a break from me. Not leaving me for someone else. Their is no fence after this.. Before I even knew all that, I proposed to go to Chicago to work things out. And you hit me with the new guy, "save your money, I'm happily with someone", in a matter of a week. How do you think I felt in my position. It was like you weren't being considerate of my feelings and rubbed it in my face. As easy it was for you to bridge from me to him, my world came crashing. Especially how quickly you bonded. It makes me wonder so many things. Like when did he come into the picture?. How do you know this guy? If you knew of him prior, why don't I know him? How do you know him? Was he the shoulder to cry on?. Was he the one you consulted our problems to instead of me?. That's what hurts me so bad. That's really the real reason of why we broke up. You replaced me with him coz he whispered sweet nothings. I felt like you kicked me to the curb like I'm suppose to easily move on when I didn't even do anything wrong or bad to you. I single handedly changed your whole life around. But you don't owe me anything back. I'm just a big hearted person. You lost something great lub. You lost me, I didn't lose you. Minus the love, I made an impact in your personal life in a big way. I opened your eyes. You didn't really change my personal life, you just showed me how much of a great person you are. The impact is you just leaving mine. I have such a big heart. I almost didn't even want to send you these emails so you could happily date this guy with my support without stressing out. But I had to do this to find my own happiness. Coz of the distance always getting to me, I tried to hang in their all through our relationship, when my own candle of love was flickering. What mattered to me was you as a person. You are a good person. Inside and out. That's what attracted me. And whenever I saw you, I was always reminded of why it's worth it to keep you. I shared real love with you and not anything less. I lost my best friend in in the blink of an eye. I wouldn't of tripped this hard if you told me from the beginning if dating others is really why you wanted to break up. But idk, nothing went accordingly and I felt like I got stabbed in the back. And even after that, I still tried to be the bigger man by brushing it off and be understanding to your motives. Even tho I felt how it went down was a little dirty. I don't hold it against you. I know psychologically, confusion, possibility of regret, uncertainty, escape etc was jumbled in your head. But at the same time you are responsible for your actions. But coz we didn't break up for a bad reason and we still managed tried to make our relations right after the fact, is what still make me see you in a good light. That you were willing to make it right with me. But you're so gone from me now that I slowly accepting the fact that I am a chapter in your life. Everything you say is just pushing me away. From me to you, person to person, minus the love, we are really big hearted good individuals who are rare to find who proved it many times to each other. So it's a shame of how this is going down. don't EVER EVER EVER send anything to an ex in writing and if you HAVE TO, absolutely HAVE TO keep it one or two sentences. a huge essay from you detailing your thoughts, feelings and pouring your heart out about the breakup is the worst move ever. for one, they probably wont even read it, and if they do they will just have the satisfaction of knowing how much they hurt you. some sadistic exes take pleasure in this. a much better email is simply something like: "I think you are making a mistake. if you ever realise the same thing maybe give me a call or something. I might still be willing to hear you out". end of email. says everything in a much shorter more objective tone!
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 don't EVER EVER EVER send anything to an ex in writing and if you HAVE TO, absolutely HAVE TO keep it one or two sentences. a huge essay from you detailing your thoughts, feelings and pouring your heart out about the breakup is the worst move ever. for one, they probably wont even read it, and if they do they will just have the satisfaction of knowing how much they hurt you. some sadistic exes take pleasure in this. a much better email is simply something like: "I think you are making a mistake. if you ever realise the same thing maybe give me a call or something. I might still be willing to hear you out". end of email. says everything in a much shorter more objective tone! A much better e-mail is sending nothing at all. Lesson learned. Dont send her anything.
Author Koans Posted April 13, 2014 Author Posted April 13, 2014 Well I dont even trip. I prefer writing coz I can delete and read what I typed. Versus talking emotionally and saying things I dont mean. But thats just mean. I speak with conviction. Sent or not, my words are permanently imbedded in the persons head.
Ordinaryday Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 A much better e-mail is sending nothing at all. Lesson learned. Dont send her anything. lesser of two evils. I can understand the feeling of simply having to say SOMETHING to the ex, we all can. often we dont even do it for them, we do it for ourselves, cos then at least we will know we TRIED.
Ordinaryday Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 Well I dont even trip. I prefer writing coz I can delete and read what I typed. Versus talking emotionally and saying things I dont mean. But thats just mean. I speak with conviction. Sent or not, my words are permanently imbedded in the persons head. yes but the point is when you SPEAK IT you can subsequently deny/lie that you said it, or claim that they took you out of context or misunderstood you or something. when you put it in writing, you cant.
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 lesser of two evils. I can understand the feeling of simply having to say SOMETHING to the ex, we all can. often we dont even do it for them, we do it for ourselves, cos then at least we will know we TRIED. Lol whatever you say
Author Koans Posted April 13, 2014 Author Posted April 13, 2014 Yea its hard. Im at the point of not wanting to take her back so I thot Id go all out. But you might be right. Shes not in the emotional state currently of missing me. I just want to know she cheated. She probably thinks she didnt coz it wasnt physical. But cheating is cheating. I just want justice.
pickflicker Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 I been with this gurl LDR 3 yrs. We broke up coz I asked her to think about moving to live in my state. She backed out and got cold feet. Today I realized she committed emotional infidelity. This is what Im about to send. Appreciate input. I know you cheated on me. "Emotional Infidelity". Look it up. Thats how chic got divorced. "One day it'll all make sense". And it did. Look. You got two options. You can call it quits with this guy. Have some time to yourself and think things through, or you can lose me forever. I dont give a fuuuk anymore. ***kk your honeymooon stage. You are selfish like your auntie.. And you know she was wrong for it. Now you can try to repair this with me. Or you can do what you selfishly want to do. I know you lied to me and twisted words around. And didn't mention things that you should of. And now you live with guilt and your own nightmares. You are mirroring your past ex's. Wow seriously. Its ***kked up coz I've mentioned every female to you. You aint even keeping it real anymore. I know you were pulling straws out the hat to reasons why we broke up. Dont even lie. Ain't nothing you said was the true reason why we broke up. I know you emotionally was attracted to this guy. You forced love with me coz you had your heart in someone else. Hooking up in a week?! Dont play me for a fool. From the gurl who got cheated on twice and as tempted as I was I never pulled that shiiit on you. He aint Jesus. Either he will or you will, dump each other one day. Fair warning. Dont think Im waiting for you. I dont even trust you anymore. Consider this day one for you. I'm reaching out to give you another chance. And the time is now. What can this kid do better than me. If you don't take this opportunity. You are admitting immaturity. Say good bye to anything u know about me. Take a lighter and burn our pictures. Don't worry how I figured it out. Something about the mall..hmmm..yea don't bs me. I'd never thought YOU. YOUUUU. Would do this to me. Shoes...yea it makes perfect sense. Don't even try to reply defending yourself. If you wanna go back to who you were. Cool with me. If you want to get back the guy who turned your life around then do it now. If this is who you really are. Good luck with your character flaw. Third times a charm and you took me for granted. Last yr, you were hella down in coming here, "hotel hospitality" degree to come to Vegas, this year, "dont wait for me". Makes perfect sense. I'm forgiving but the fuse is short and the time is ticking. But I aint even trippin coz I kept it 100% and real. At the end of the day, it you, who have to live with being your own enemy. Yeah, that'll make any girl reconsider her choices. Word up, homie (just trying to speak your lingo). Ultimatums rarely work. There is nothing in this letter that would make a girl go "Wow, I really f*cked up royally and I'm going to miss out on the best guy on the planet if I don't take up this sweet offer." All you're advertising, is that you're a bullet dodged. 4
Lifegoezon Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 Everyone's right. I'm a woman and getting this from my ex would p**s me right off. I may even show it to people to demonstrate how right I was to get the hell out of a relationship with the psycho who wrote it. I'd certainly never want any future contact with you. And your first email wasn't any better. When someone cheats on you there is no 'justice' to be had. Maybe karma will get them in the end. Ranting won't make them feel bad - any guilt will come from within them if at all. In fact, the way you write will validate for her that she did the right thing. And she did! Nobody has to stay with someone they don't want. I totally understand the need to write down how you feel. I do it by journaling. Print this email, save it to read later and you will be embarrassed. Or burn it. But do not under any circumstances send it.
Ordinaryday Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 Everyone's right. I'm a woman and getting this from my ex would p**s me right off. I may even show it to people to demonstrate how right I was to get the hell out of a relationship with the psycho who wrote it. I'd certainly never want any future contact with you. And your first email wasn't any better. When someone cheats on you there is no 'justice' to be had. Maybe karma will get them in the end. Ranting won't make them feel bad - any guilt will come from within them if at all. In fact, the way you write will validate for her that she did the right thing. And she did! Nobody has to stay with someone they don't want. I totally understand the need to write down how you feel. I do it by journaling. Print this email, save it to read later and you will be embarrassed. Or burn it. But do not under any circumstances send it. Awhile ago after I got dumped as well I was just ITCHING to send her a nasty letter that I had written. I posted the letter on a similar board (not this one) and asked people for advice - I was told not to send it for similar reasons. my response was "but she hurt me and as petty as it sounds, I want to hurt her back! how do I hurt her?" and the advice I got was simple but effective: I was told "if you send this letter she will get all the power and know exactly how you feel, and she will feel right about dumping you. but if you FLAT OUT IGNORE HER, SEND NOTHING, she will probably get pissed that you never said anything or did anything, she will wonder why you didnt make a move. doing nothing will hurt her more than any letter ever could" I am not saying this advice is valid (you should feel nothing towards the ex, certainly not pine for revenge) but it sort of makes sense. and if the OP wants to hurt or 'stick it' to his ex, flat out doing nothing will hurt more than any nasty letter ever could. 1
BC1980 Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 It's not your job to tell people what is wrong with them. First, they don't even care. Second, they aren't going to agree. We've all wanted to send nasty letters, but it makes you look bad. My ex would probably think how sad that I'm still hung up in him. I don't want pity. 1
sooshi Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 I didn't read all through either of the e-mails you thought of sending, but read enough to know that I would encourage you not to send either. They're all about blaming her, and only promotes anger on your end and hurt on hers. There is no forgiveness here, there is no ounce of love. Don't do it. It will only aggravate.
Arieswoman Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 Koans, I am sorry that you are hurting like this. You think it's not fair - and it isn't. I am sure, like most of us that have been hurt, that you want to hurt her back. That's natural but it won't work. You need to accept the sad fact that she'll never realise how much she hurt you. You'll never be able to hurt her the way she hurt you, so don't even try. One day, she may meet someone else and fall in love and get dumped and go through what you're going through right now. Unfortunately you probably won't get the satisfaction of seeing that. You can write as many letters as you like, expressing your hurt, pain and frustration but don't send them. Good Luck. 2
Author Koans Posted April 13, 2014 Author Posted April 13, 2014 What troubled me was I found out only yesterday the cause of the break up. But guess what!. Im on the path of forgiveness. no one is evil. Im learning to empathize the choice she made. And I was a participant in the cause of her decision somewhere down the path of our relationship. So both parties to blame. But both parties to forgive.Im not excusing her actions. Im just forgiving her for it. i will continue to remain silent. I wont wish her a bday. Not coz I resent her. I wont let her know I forgave her either. Its a journey we both have to travel on. She chose that way. Im choosing this way. She may feel guilty. But in my path. The clouds have opened. The sun has shined on me. Feel me? Im moving on. If she chooses to catch up, she may. Then I can have a talk with her in a more peaceful mind state. The person she broke up with and the person shes catching up with will be completely different. While she lives in her own nightmare. I have already matured, learned, grew and changed. I will then be on my buddha ****.
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