What do I tell men about my past?

[thecrucible]

It doesn't matter if he was being a dick. You should have walked away from him instead of cheating followed by pointing to his poor behavior many years after the fact.

 

I pointed the behaviour out to him at the time. I have never tried to make him look bad in front of people. I've only discussed this stuff online in the context of this forum and with a few isolated close friends. And yes I know I should have done that. I just wasn't thinking straight at the time. It was a moment of impulsive alcohol-fuelled stupidity. It wasn't planned and I didn't set out to do it. All I remember about it is crying the whole way through and then lying around crying for about half an hour afterwards.

 

Running away from a man this past Autumn because of the belief you've had sex too soon is another example of being insincere and unable to take ownership of your actions. The only thing you literally had to do talk to the man. You do seem pretty desperate to keep up appearances and I don't care if you claim otherwise. Most women in your position wouldn't preoccupy themselves with how things look from the outside because what he thinks should have been more important.

 

I didn't run away from him because it was sex too soon. I just realised that I wasn't interested in a relationship with him. He told me loved me on the 3rd date and it freaked me out. I also realised we had nothing in common personality wise, and he was an all right guy but I just didn't see that we were compatible for a relationship in the long term. I was up front with him. I told him that straight away. I apologised to him. I don't know what else I could have done.

 

You wouldn't bother smearing him if you didn't care what other people thought of you. The affair is entirely on you and not on him.

 

Yes fair enough. I'm not swearing him though. I'm just telling you word for word what our relationship was like. But I could have not cheated and tried to work harder at it. I did by the way, but maybe I could have worked that little bit harder at it. I just don't know now.

[FitChick]

Everyone has made mistakes in life because they are human. The trouble begins when people don't learn from those mistakes. If you need to confess, see a therapist or a priest. As long as you don't REPEAT the mistakes of your past, you are golden.

 

It sounds like you are no longer that same girl. Move away if you have to for a fresh start so people don't try dragging you back into the past. It sounds like your "friend" is threatened by all the changes you've gone through while she is still stuck in her life.

 

I've never cheated but I have dated cheaters. Some have learned from their mistakes and other haven't. It's up to me to decide what I will put up with. Your mistake when you cheated was putting up with bad behavior instead of leaving. If you had left, you wouldn't have cheated, right?

[RedRobin]

OP, we are all tasked to take responsibility for our share in things.

 

 

I'm wary of men who claim to have been cheated on, but can't tell me their part in the relationship falling apart. There are very few relationships I know of where the person who cheated didn't feel abandoned in some way. Yes, there are sex addicts out there.. There are those who are remorseless and feel justified in cheating. I don't blame anyone for wanting to avoid those people.

 

 

Just because the relationship had VALID problems, doesn't excuse their CHOICE in making cheating a way to deal with it...

 

 

Cheating isn't a mistake. It is a choice. It also doesn't mean you are obliged to hand people a stick to beat you with... or that you are obliged to put up with poor behavior. If you made reparation to the person you harmed... then you do not have to allow others to keep making you pay.

 

 

It was your ex's choice to abandon you and not communicate with you too. It was my choice when I was married to be a workaholic. Doesn't mean I deserved to be cheated on... These days, I work very hard to find people who can communicate effectively and are good problem solvers... and I do my best to do the same.

 

 

Going forward, all you need to tell people is that you made a poor choice of actions when the relationship was in trouble. You are also well within your rights to question the men you meet on how THEY manage relationship difficulties too.

 

 

If they withhold sex, affection, communication, etc... you don't want to be with a man who does that either... or someone who makes excuses for their decisions.

[ThatMan]

I didn't run away from him because it was sex too soon. I just realised that I wasn't interested in a relationship with him. He told me loved me on the 3rd date and it freaked me out. I also realised we had nothing in common personality wise, and he was an all right guy but I just didn't see that we were compatible for a relationship in the long term. I was up front with him. I told him that straight away. I apologised to him. I don't know what else I could have done.

That's the most anyone could have done. I think everyone runs into a situation like this at some point.

 

At the end of the day it shouldn't matter if you have approval for you to begin dating again. If you feel ready then go for it. I just want you to know the reason why ownership is so important. Ownership of your own actions are what allow you to continue pursuing that compatible relationship you want. Sometimes people hit that brick wall and do not take ownership for themselves. This leads people to make bad decisions that involve mistreatment, putting up with poor behavior rather than seeking out what makes you happy, neglect of your own wants and needs, wasted opportunities of passing by Mr. Right while occupying yourself with people like your ex from three years ago. Good things begin happen when you empower yourself. Try to not lose sight of what's most important.

[RedRobin]

Men are able to do that and then suddenly go into commitment mode.

 

 

No, they aren't. The women who end up with men who do that, end up regretting it later when he slips back into old habits.

 

 

You need to change this viewpoint. People's actions need to be consistent with their words... and it needs to be proven over time.

 

 

Both men and women.

 

 

Take your anger, shame, whatever... over what you did in the past... and put that energy into making better choices, building better habits, and yes... making better friends.

 

 

Get rid of people who need to drag you back into old ways. Either with their shaming behavior or with their own actions. Be very clear too, that not everyone is going to accept you... and their reasons may have nothing to do with you. Just like I can't be with a man who cheated or has certain other things in his life. It's because of what *I* have been through... I'm just not someone who can help him that way. I'd always have one foot out of the door or be wary... and that's not fair to him.

 

There are a couple of people I know of who are legitimately trying to be better people and make a better life amongst those they hurt. I've thought about telling them to start a new life somewhere else, but I'm not 100% sure what that would accomplish.

 

 

Not everyone in their circle are bad people. There are some who encourage them and care about them. If they left, they would have to start totally over and from scratch. And they would still have to learn how to earn the trust of people. So there really is no way around it.

Edited April 13, 2014 by RedRobin

[sagetalk]

No that's not true. Look I owned up at the time. I was truly sorry. What else am I supposed to say? I'm not saying any of it was his fault? I'm just telling you why I think I did it. I didn't deliberately set out to do it, as wrong as that sounds. I can't explain it any other way.

 

You did, but then you made it sound like it was because of things that he did. It wasn't because of him, it was because you WERE a cheater. No more excuses. Notice I said WERE. I hope you will never do it again. If you want to cheat on a boyfriend, break up with him before you do it.

 

If the man I love is not making love to me, how is that supposed to make me feel? If we have been dating for 2 years, and suddenly he shows zero affection to me and spends no time with me - no hugs, no kisses, no asking how was my day, no spending quality time with me whatsover...how do you think that made me feel? We would talk to each other every day but the only thing he wanted to talk to me about was his work. I need affection to feel loved. Without physical attention from a man, I feel rejected. I even brought it up with him before and he didn't give a ****. Now that made me feel worse. 4 months later, and the situation still hadn't changed.

 

If you aren't married, he isn't required to make love to you. Some men won't have sex until marriage, other men won't if they aren't 100% sure about a girl. Sex creates serious soul ties that can be difficult to break if the time comes that they need to be broken. If he was pulling affection away, he may have been changing his mind about you. Why would you want to have sex with someone who has fading interest in you?

 

In hindsight, he had a different view to me and that's what makes us thoroughly incompatible. It wasn't just the sex side though as I pointed out - it was the fact that he started to show no affection at all. I was extremely upset about this and I acted out irrationally.

 

Acting irrationally would be you posted that he was a jerk on Facebook. Cheating is not only irrational, it is heartless, cold, cruel, and one of the worst non-criminal acts you could do to someone.

 

No I don't. I don't give a **** about being a saint. That's the last thing I want. I don't want to be a jerk either but there's absolutely no reason I want to be a saint. I don't want people to kiss my ass. I want people to tell it like it is. I think you're projecting onto me.

 

Your entire post reeks of caring what other men think about you. You don't want them to think you're a cheater or a slut, yet some of your past actions would be viewed exactly that way by many men. The fact is, you do care. You want to be viewed as a girl a guy can trust. The only way that is going to happen is for you to truly change. Whether you tell them or not, you must change your mentality or you will do it again.

 

I've already done that. I don't know how else I can do that because I've already done that. I can admit guilt and still acknowledge what made me do it - that doesn't mean I'm blaming him.

 

Read what I said above. No excuses, take full ownership of what you did. You didn't do it because he wasn't affectionate, you did it because you had a cheater's heart. Only by accepting your guilt will you be able to let it go and change. You alone are in control of whether you cheat or not, not someone else's behavior. Don't let another person's behavior cause you to act like a terrible person. Create a set of ethics and principles and live by them no matter what other people do. Men find that extremely attractive in a woman. That is the kind of woman they can trust.

 

People can tell when someone has genuinely changed, and most men would give you another chance even if you told the truth.

[thecrucible]

Just because the relationship had VALID problems, doesn't excuse their CHOICE in making cheating a way to deal with it...

 

Yes I acknowledge that it was my choice. One thought I struggled with was this :"Why is he upset that I had sex with someone else when he wasn't having sex with me for months? Why does he even care? I mean I was living in the same building as him and he could have had sex with me anytime". That's an ugly thought to have but have had it for a long time.

 

Aha I actually I figured out what it was! It's my passiveness - I didn't acknowledge my passiveness so I passed the buck onto him. I didn't acknowledge that it was my passivity and cowardliness that contributed to what I did. I'm not so much a coward any more. I try and deal with problems head on. I basically stopped investing in the relationship when he did. I wanted to make him step up to the plate but things never changed. He probably wondered why but I just didn't want to be the only one driving the relationship and making 95% of the effort. I didn't want to be in charge any more. Looking back I should have communicated 100% honestly and straight up for sure...and that's what I'll do in future, instead of assuming that people know what's going on. He was also not that great at communication so I can see why we knocked heads.

 

If you made reparation to the person you harmed...

 

This is what I want to do. I just don't want to suddenly pop up in his life again after so long. I want to write him a letter. I didn't do it straight away because I wanted it to be sincere. Recently he's been on my mind a hell of a lot 'cause it's suddenly hit me how much of a **** I was.

 

Going forward, all you need to tell people is that you made a poor choice of actions when the relationship was in trouble. You are also well within your rights to question the men you meet on how THEY manage relationship difficulties too.

 

I'll do that. I need to work on honest communication and setting appropriate boundaries, which I have been trying to do for 3 years.

 

 

If they withhold sex, affection, communication, etc... you don't want to be with a man who does that either... or someone who makes excuses for their decisions.

 

Touché

 

You're right. I need to stop making excuses. At least I didn't have the cheek to ask for him back or give a grovelling apology. I just left him alone and got out of his life so he could be happy.

[soccerrprp]

...Cheating isn't a mistake. It is a choice...

 

This is so true! Not a mistake, a choice. Nothing JUST happens. Even while drunk, you have some semblance of awareness.

 

Anyway, OP, leave the past in the past and move on. Contrary to some comments, if your past represents average, well, you're going to meet many others who have similar pasts...kind of depressing actually. And you're going to meet some who have not engaged in cheating which I would like to believe is more of the average of people's pasts. Wishful thinking perhaps.

[RedRobin]

You can find a way to forgive yourself without blaming him.

 

 

The worst part about cheating for those who are sincerely remorseful... is that you often have things to forgive about him, and the things he did that hurt you. And since you cheated... no one (or very few) are going to acknowledge that... That's ok. That's the price people pay for doing those things... it is also a potent reminder of why you need to do everything in your power to avoid it happening again.

 

 

There is a book called "How Good Do We Have To Be." Written by a rabbi.

 

 

If you can get past the religious context, you may find it helpful.

[Keenly]

I have regrets. I also don't believe any decent guy wouldn't ever want me.

 

 

 

There is nothing you listed that would automatically rule you out in my eyes.

[thecrucible]

If he was pulling affection away, he may have been changing his mind about you. Why would you want to have sex with someone who has fading interest in you?

 

And this is the point where I should have reacted differently, instead of seeking affection and comfort in someone else.

 

I wouldn't ever cheat on anyone ever again.I feel terrible about putting someone through that.

 

I don't I'll ever cheat but I still have trouble toning down my sexual desires...and not being turned off by genuine guys. I'm starting to find good guys more attractive and being able to identify the bad ones...but I still make sexual attraction too much of a priority. I think I shut down whenever I have to be emotionally close to someone. None of my family are close. Most men in my family are stoic men's men so I tend to go for guys who don't show much affection, even though it's what I want.

 

Create a set of ethics and principles and live by them no matter what other people do. Men find that extremely attractive in a woman. That is the kind of woman they can trust.

 

That's what I'm working on now - dating with more compassion, giving guys the heads' up about what I'm really feeling, and ending things appropriately rather than leading someone on. My next thing to work on is to cut down drinking, and taking longer to get to know someone so I don't just think with my genitals.

 

So I've started with the being up front, honest, and more respectful with people. To be honest, I still need to do a lot of work on that but I'm trying and I won't stop trying to be a better person. I have always wanted to be a better person so the cheating really set me back in my perception of myself. That's a good thing in a way, although I hate to say it, because it makes me more self-aware.

 

I haven't had casual sex for almost a year now so I'm happy about that. I don't want to have casual sex ever again. I want to stop being so sexual...and I want to work on not rushing into intimacy with men. That's a kind of emotional avoidance with me, the physical stuff.

 

Thank you for giving me something to think about. I appreciate you taking the time to do that.

[thecrucible]

I have regrets. I also don't believe any decent guy wouldn't ever want me.

 

 

 

There is nothing you listed that would automatically rule you out in my eyes.

 

Whoops I used a double-negative. Honestly read what I said though. I don't sound like wife material.

 

I'll try what people said and try to move on without blaming him. I didn't mention the areas I feel that I've gone wrong much but I'm not going around thinking "hey it was all his fault"...I just haven't posted all my existential angst on here. I felt terrible about it because I always considered myself a good girl. My opinion and others' opinion of me drastically altered after that, quite understandably. Basically, I know that my reputation has been earned. I'm just trying to repair my relationships with people in general.

 

If I had a better self-identify, it would probably lead to more positive choices.

 

I'm ready to move on. I've made a list of people I want to apologise to because now I feel their pain. Just don't know whether to bite the bullet and actually do it. Because on the other hand, I don't want to cause a rude awakening in their lives. I need to be brave and do the right thing in all circumstances.

[Keenly]

Whoops I used a double-negative. Honestly read what I said though. I don't sound like wife material.

 

I'll try what people said and try to move on without blaming him. I didn't mention the areas I feel that I've gone wrong much but I'm not going around thinking "hey it was all his fault"...I just haven't posted all my existential angst on here. I felt terrible about it because I always considered myself a good girl. My opinion and others' opinion of me drastically altered after that, quite understandably. Basically, I know that my reputation has been earned. I'm just trying to repair my relationships with people in general.

 

If I had a better self-identify, it would probably lead to more positive choices.

 

I'm ready to move on. I've made a list of people I want to apologise to because now I feel their pain. Just don't know whether to bite the bullet and actually do it. Because on the other hand, I don't want to cause a rude awakening in their lives. I need to be brave and do the right thing in all circumstances.

 

Like I said, I haven't seen anything that would taint whatever opinion I already had of you. If I liked you and I found this stuff out, I would not look down upon you or your past for these. We all have our own past that we carry around with us, but not everyone will be so judging of it. Don't be so hard on yourself.

[FitChick]

I've made a list of people I want to apologise to because now I feel their pain. Just don't know whether to bite the bullet and actually do it. Because on the other hand, I don't want to cause a rude awakening in their lives.

If a guy who cheated on me years ago apologized, I don't think I would care one way or the other. I might even be a little suspicious. It wouldn't change anything for me at all.

 

If you ever run into those people, and the subject comes up, then it would be appropriate. Otherwise, to assuage your guilt, write each of them a letter and then burn it and let everything go. As long as you don't repeat bad behavior, you are fine. Unless, of course, all those people you wronged were saints!

[NicolaP]

I'm just really freaked out now. People say honesty in a new relationship is key. I haven't started up a new relationship with anyone but I'm freaked out about what to say should a man ask questions about my past. I just don't want to bring it up because it says nothing about who I am now. I have regrets. I also don't believe any decent guy wouldn't ever want me. Sometimes I self-sabotage. Sometimes my friend sabotages me by telling guys about my past...

 

I know the past is not me. I regret certain actions which have built my character, because I've used those incidents as a catalyst to become a better person. I'm still a sweet girl at the core. I just want to meet a man who can look past my messed up past and see that I have a good heart.

 

I am scared to be close to another man in case he rejects me. What is the best way to talk about my past?

 

Hi

 

Your past is you, you can't remove it now. You were or are sexually promiscuous; twice the average number of lifetime partners, and as to why is not that relevant to many people. Similar to a person’s age, height, intellect, etc etc being not what you are attracted to.

 

I think you should be honest and upfront if someone asks you, assuming you think you could have a long term relationship with that person, and make sure you ask them the same question, as otherwise you won't know them very well or be able to relate all that deeply.

 

Your past will rule out a lot of prospective partners. You would be cheating to act in a way which suggests you had a different past as they could get attached to you only to find out later they would not have done so had you told them this earlier, and vice versa.

 

There are men, as you see here, who would still entertain the possibility of a serious relationship with you, probably mostly men who have also been promiscuous, perhaps seek these ones out if you genuinely want to settle down with someone.

[HomanWater]

Let me lastly say this,

 

I get so sick and tired of people thinking its ok to hoodwink people into relationships through outright lying or lies by omission. People are so quick to omit important relationship info, which is why I always outright ask. If I get a beat-around-the-bush answer...I dont date the girl. And if she lies to me and I find out, I leave. I want the truth, because I give it.

 

If a woman cannot handle that, she can find someone more suited for her. Why not find someone who accepts you, or who may have a similar past? Why deceive anyone into a false reality?

 

LOL.

 

So true.

 

Seems like many people are so desperate to be in relationship RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, they don't even care who with, and don't even care if other party even has an ability to make an informed decision whether they want to be in.

 

I find that highly disrespectful.

[thecrucible]

Hi

 

Your past is you, you can't remove it now. You were or are sexually promiscuous; twice the average number of lifetime partners, and as to why is not that relevant to many people. Similar to a person’s age, height, intellect, etc etc being not what you are attracted to.

 

I think you should be honest and upfront if someone asks you, assuming you think you could have a long term relationship with that person, and make sure you ask them the same question, as otherwise you won't know them very well or be able to relate all that deeply.

 

Your past will rule out a lot of prospective partners. You would be cheating to act in a way which suggests you had a different past as they could get attached to you only to find out later they would not have done so had you told them this earlier, and vice versa.

 

There are men, as you see here, who would still entertain the possibility of a serious relationship with you, probably mostly men who have also been promiscuous, perhaps seek these ones out if you genuinely want to settle down with someone.

 

Thanks.

 

I'm not sexually promiscuous. My number is 10 but only about 4 of them were one night stands. Some were guys I had short-term relationships with but we still had some kind of exclusivity agreement. Most of my friends' numbers are about 20-25. That's why I've stopped casual sex now because I don't think I want to go much beyond 10 if I can help it.

 

My instinct if someone asked my number would be to subtract 3 or 4 from that number; or to skirt the question by saying "well I don't think talking about that would do us much good...". Last time when my ex-bf asked, I just said "less than 10". I don't think he could get over it though. He was really jealous and possessive. Thing is I know the names of everyone I've been intimate with, and still get on with most of them: and I've always known exactly what I've been getting into. There are a few people I'd rather forget though...but everyone must have someone like that.

 

I was in long-term relationships for 5 years from the age of 17. Then my average after that was to date a couple of people a year so you can see how that added up. In all honesty, I didn't really count. And it's not as if I was going out every weekend looking for a lay.

 

Thing is I've never had a desire to ask a man a similar question. I don't care if he's slept with one woman or fifty, although that would be slightly intimidating haha. I can see how it'd look from a bloke's point of view. But I would say the number I have makes me less of a risk. Since I know what no-strings-attached feels like, I'm hardly going to mistake that for a genuine connection. And when I have a genuine connection, there's no way I'm going to go back to something inferior. I'll have no need to "find out what it's like" because I've already done that. It's like I've had my play now and I want something serious.

 

Incidentally, my friend, who's had 22 partners, said she just told her guy straight up what it was when he asked. He didn't get freaked out and run away. They are in love and have been dating for 9 months or so.

[RedRobin]

LOL.

 

So true.

 

Seems like many people are so desperate to be in relationship RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, they don't even care who with, and don't even care if other party even has an ability to make an informed decision whether they want to be in.

 

I find that highly disrespectful.

 

 

I find it highly disrespectful for people to expect intimate intimacy. Emotional or physical.

 

 

Having a near stranger expect me to barf up my life on display or for their amusement (I don't care what it is about)... is pretty disrespectful.

 

 

It's like no one wants to take the time to get to know anyone anymore. We are all supposed to be waving all of our lives out for everyone to see 24/7 and it's kind of gross.

 

 

I've got nothing to hide, but I'll be damned if anyone is going to play inquisition with me.

 

 

The most respectful thing to do is to tell people what your deal breakers are, then see what they do with that information. You don't have to grill people. You also don't have to jump in bed and cross your fingers either.

 

 

Guys... how about taking the time to get to know someone before jumping in the sack??

[HomanWater]

Having a near stranger expect me to barf up my life on display or for their amusement (I don't care what it is about)... is pretty disrespectful.

 

 

It's like no one wants to take the time to get to know anyone anymore. We are all supposed to be waving all of our lives out for everyone to see 24/7 and it's kind of gross.

 

 

I've got nothing to hide, but I'll be damned if anyone is going to play inquisition with me.

 

Actually, most of the girls I've met do just that, on the social media, they expose any irrelevant and often intimate detail of their life, for all the strangers to see. Yet if you try to ask a few polite, not even all that intimate questions, all you get is "none of your business". Seriously?

 

A few times I was really hard pressed not to call them out on it, but what's the point I guess? My mind is already made up after that glaring display of hypocrisy. Does it really matter what they have to say about it?

[NicolaP]

Thanks.

 

I'm not sexually promiscuous. My number is 10 but only about 4 of them were one night stands. Some were guys I had short-term relationships with but we still had some kind of exclusivity agreement. Most of my friends' numbers are about 20-25. That's why I've stopped casual sex now because I don't think I want to go much beyond 10 if I can help it.

 

My instinct if someone asked my number would be to subtract 3 or 4 from that number; or to skirt the question by saying "well I don't think talking about that would do us much good...". Last time when my ex-bf asked, I just said "less than 10". I don't think he could get over it though. He was really jealous and possessive. Thing is I know the names of everyone I've been intimate with, and still get on with most of them: and I've always known exactly what I've been getting into. There are a few people I'd rather forget though...but everyone must have someone like that.

 

I was in long-term relationships for 5 years from the age of 17. Then my average after that was to date a couple of people a year so you can see how that added up. In all honesty, I didn't really count. And it's not as if I was going out every weekend looking for a lay.

 

Thing is I've never had a desire to ask a man a similar question. I don't care if he's slept with one woman or fifty, although that would be slightly intimidating haha. I can see how it'd look from a bloke's point of view. But I would say the number I have makes me less of a risk. Since I know what no-strings-attached feels like, I'm hardly going to mistake that for a genuine connection. And when I have a genuine connection, there's no way I'm going to go back to something inferior. I'll have no need to "find out what it's like" because I've already done that. It's like I've had my play now and I want something serious.

 

Incidentally, my friend, who's had 22 partners, said she just told her guy straight up what it was when he asked. He didn't get freaked out and run away. They are in love and have been dating for 9 months or so.

 

You said you were 24, I would say someone was promiscuous if they had had more than 3-4 partners by this age, so we may simply have a different understanding here of how to apply this definition.

 

It partly depends on if you are comparing yourself to some friends in the same town, county or country, or the last 10,000 years of human sexual behaviour. What is ones criteria in other words.

 

However your next comment I think is crucial as you say you would not be that concerned about a mans sexual past, so I think you really ought to find a man who is not bothered about yours, as your friend may have done. But don't subtract the number because you are then living a lie. If I found out my partner had lied to me about his sexual past my first instinct would be to kill him!!

 

People are different Crucible, if I met a man aged 24 who had had more than 3 sexual partners I would just walk away, not what I am looking for . Or a man who had a child, not for me. I want something more special or unique.

[StanMusial]

And this is the point where I should have reacted differently, instead of seeking affection and comfort in someone else.

 

I wouldn't ever cheat on anyone ever again.I feel terrible about putting someone through that.

 

I don't I'll ever cheat but I still have trouble toning down my sexual desires...and not being turned off by genuine guys. I'm starting to find good guys more attractive and being able to identify the bad ones...but I still make sexual attraction too much of a priority. I think I shut down whenever I have to be emotionally close to someone. None of my family are close. Most men in my family are stoic men's men so I tend to go for guys who don't show much affection, even though it's what I want.

 

Well, you are describing all of these traits in the present tense, so you just need to keep working on those things. The past might be the past, but it is still haunting you and you're going to confuse people with these items.

[Candy_Pants]

Whoops I used a double-negative. Honestly read what I said though. I don't sound like wife material.

 

If I had a better self-identify, it would probably lead to more positive choices.

 

Well here we go! You're not good enough for YOU, you'll never be good enough for anyone else.

 

Before you go around asking for forgivness, or offering apologies, you have to forgive yourself.

[RedRobin]

I find it highly disrespectful for people to expect immediate intimacy. Emotional or physical.

 

 

Corrected.....

[Woggle]

I don't care about number of partners because I am certainly not a virgin but I have to be honest and say that the cheating would be a red flag because I wouldn't want it to happen to me. If enough time had passed and a woman seemed genuinely remorseful and wasn't blaming the guy and playing the victim it would not be a dealbreaker though. People can change but it is a long and hard process.

[lino]

There isn't any law saying you must divulge any informationto a prospective partner but do realise that if he finds this stuff out, he may feel very differently about you and bolt.

 

In my opinion, only the drug use, cheating and threesome are red flags to me.

 

I wouldn't continue a relationship with you knowing those things because I've turned a blind eye to it in the past and paid for it later. Never again.

 

That said, many guys won't give a sh*t and some will infact welcome it.