What do I tell men about my past?

[juicygirl]

You won't be single forever, trust me, I've met men and women who have done worse.

 

It's really up to you how much information you want to give out to a new partner. Personally, I don't like to know too much about a new partner pervious relationships, i.e how many, why they broke up with each one etc, it's not my business and I don't like feeling like the guy's therapist.

[mr_dave]

If I were you, I'd be honest about it.

Why is it justified to con a guy into a relationship, to misrepresent yourself and allow him to develop a false picture of your values and attitudes?

 

I'm a very sexually conservative guy, so if we were dating what you said about your past would give me food for thought. However, as you seem to genuinely regret it and have changed your attitude towards it, it wouldn't be a dealbreaker, I just would try not to get too attached until you prove beyond mere words that your attitudes have changed.

 

If you didn't regret your past (the more feminist posters here wear their promiscuity as badges of pride it seems, which is their right) it would indicate that you see sex as something purely fun to do with any Tom, Dick or Harry you fancy. That would be a huge incompatibility to a guy such as myself, who ties sex to love. Am I not allowed to know about that?

 

Say you were to do what pickflicker says, and lie about it, or hide it, and it comes out later on. I would feel completely duped and end it.

How many posts do you see online where a guy discovers his wife/GF was the town bike? A lot can barely deal with it. You get conned into thinking your significant other is something they are not, unwittingly spending time with guys your wife was happy to be just a piece of meat for... and then you are expected to just swallow the truth...

[Soursoupz]

Well it will only be great now if you really left that kind of life.

 

Otherwise you will keep having the same issues in relationships.

 

You dont have to go into details. Only if its something that is really important.

And most of the time you feel what you should tell and what not jet.

 

I dont think some wise guy would start the first date asking about cheating stuff etc.

And if he do you can say you think that is not a good questions for a first date.

 

You dont have to act like you are innocent. You can just say that you did have a rough past that you are not proud of it. But since (name the amount of years) you have change your life and want to have a serious long relationship.

 

Something like that. Because the thing with your past is that at the moments that you dont want, people of your past pops up and confront you with your past.

Maybe some of the threesome guys, and then your bf will get to know that you was that kind of girl. And he still will break up with you.

So its good to be honest. But you build trust with time and give the amount of information while the trust is build.

Like at the first date there is not much trust to go talk about heavy topics.

 

And i think this is also a lesson about be careful what you do with your life. Because

past can influence your future. And you can get confronted with it the moments that you dont want.

[kaylan]

Equally, anyone who decides the Spanish Inquisition into my dating life is appropriate first/second/third date conversation, is quickly weeded out.

 

Win-win

"Have you ever cheated?" is a Spanish Inquisition? Hell, girls have asked me that before, and my reply is a simple "No, I never have. Its not in me to betray someone like that. Especially considering I know how crummy it feels for a girlfriend to do that"

 

So gimme a freaking break with your exaggeration. Seems people feel too much guilt to be honest with potential mates about important relationship information. Its all good though. The only ever type of woman Ive known to take issue with answering that question openly and honestly, is women with pasts of dishonesty and selfishness.

Edited April 13, 2014 by kaylan

[GemmaUK]

You know, we all have things we did in our past.

It doesn't mean that we want to do them again. They are just in our past.

 

I think you need to stop judging yourself so harshly.

You are being your biggest critic.

It's something we all do but at some point you have to just forgive yourself for past mistakes and experiences.

 

Look at you now. Like you say things are looking up in so many ways for you!

 

Everyone changes throughout their life.

 

I don't for a moment believe that you woudl intend to go into a relationship and not be focussed on that man. I don't think you will go into a relationship thinking 'well if he does this then I do have 'Mr X' as a back up so I can just go off and have some fun with him.

 

I also don't think you would go into a relationship sizing up his best mate for a threesome...

 

Get me?

 

I think there are parts of all of our pasts that don't need to be said.

All you would be doing by offering up some of this information is reiterating it all, re-labelling yourself in the present time when it was all in the past.

 

It's a bit like choosing your battles. Some things are not worth arguing over and once some time is taken to think about the issue and the initial anger is gone you realise it's no big deal to be honest.

 

You are not that person now and you won't be in the future.

 

There is no need to tell someone all and everything bad about you in the past just the same as none of us tell everyone all of the good things that we have done.

 

Give yourself a break sweetheart.

Like another poster said, you didn't rob someone, you didn't kill someone, the things you did do really are not that bad - but you have to forgive yourself for them first and let them go.

[darkmoon]

"Sometimes I self-sabotage. Sometimes my friend sabotages me by telling guys about my past..."

 

 

a new friend please, forget your past, it is over, gone, goodbye to a learning curve, plus goodbye to your friend, imho, some people cause trouble

[pickflicker]

"Have you ever cheated?" is a Spanish Inquisition? Hell, girls have asked me that before, and my reply is a simple "No, I never have. Its not in me to betray someone like that. Especially considering I know how crummy it feels for a girlfriend to do that"

 

So gimme a freaking break with your exaggeration. Seems people feel too much guilt to be honest with potential mates about important relationship information. Its all good though. The only ever type of woman Ive known to take issue with answering that question openly and honestly, is women with pasts of dishonesty and selfishness.

 

I've never been asked by a guy ever, the question "whether I've cheated or not".

 

I haven't, by the way. Been cheated on, never done it myself.

 

I think you think this is a normal dating question to ask, but since I've been dating from when I was 16, and am now almost 32, not one guy I have ever been with, not one guy I have ever met, whether it be for one date or years, has ever asked "have you cheated?"

 

All you show when you ask this question, is how damaged you are. And that's why I would weed a bloke out based on his over-interest in my dating/sexual past. It screams insecurity, damage and cynicism. I've no time for any of that.

 

I just love how you think asking this question is going to make people give up the goods. "Oh, totally, I've cheated before!" Lol indeed. The best cheaters are going to lie their arse off and you'll have no idea. Those that know what they're doing, are able to hoodwink their main partner with no trouble at all.

Edited April 13, 2014 by pickflicker

[kaylan]

Anyone on this forum will tell you its a normal dating question. Fidelity conversations come up ALL the time.

 

And trust me, this one question is but of many tools I use in my vetting process. While getting to know a woman I am always taking in information. I pay much attention to her behavior, thoughts, and responses regarding all types of situations.

 

For example...we could be watching a tv show...and I could make an assessment of her beliefs based on what she says about the relationship of 2 characters. This is all rather common. That all said, just because people can lie and be deceptive, does NOT mean I shouldnt do what I can to minimize the risk of getting a low quality woman. Just because risk exists, doesnt mean I should not do what I need to in order to lower the risk.

 

My dating life has shown me quality women are open and honest about these things, and dont balk at such conversations. If anything they are rather eager to learn all they can about me. My experience has shown me that every single woman whos had an issue with discussing pasts, have all ended up showing themselves to be low quality girls who were not girlfriend material. But I could not care less about secretive women who peddle the "past is the past" line to me. Those girls women I dont see after 1 date or flings at most, with no chance of being committed to.

 

Real talk.

Edited April 13, 2014 by kaylan

[pickflicker]

Anyone on this forum will tell you its a normal dating question. Fidelity conversations come up ALL the time.

 

And trust me, this one question is but of many tools I use in my vetting process. While getting to know a woman I am always taking in information. I pay much attention to her behavior, thoughts, and responses regarding all types of situations.

 

For example...we could be watching a tv show...and I could make an assessment of her beliefs based on what she says about the relationship of 2 characters. This is all rather common.

 

That all said, just because people can lie and be deceptive, does NOT mean I shouldnt do what I can to minimize the risk of getting a low quality woman. Just because risk exists, doesnt mean I should not do what I need to in order to lower the risk.

 

My dating life has shown me quality women are open and honest about these things, and dont balk at questions. If anything they are rather eager to learn all they can about me. I could not care less about secretive women who peddle the "past is the past" line to me. Those girls women I dont see after 1 date or flings at most, with no chance of being committed to.

 

Real talk.

 

kaylan, this forum is anything but a place to highlight "normal" dating and relationships. This place is heavily skewed towards the utterly miserable.

 

Guess I'm lucky. I think someone who is "quality", is someone who doesn't need to test me. The most powerful thing you can do for someone when forging a relationship, is to give them the benefit of the doubt. It's the minimum anyone is owed, when forming a relationship. No wonder you're taking a break from dating - no one would find it fun, the way you approach it. You're constantly waiting for the other person to disappoint you.

[BikerAccnt]

Cruicible,

 

As an older man, let me just say. It shouldn't matter. What should matter to whoever you date is how you treat them NOW. When I date someone, I don't ask details about their past other than the most basic things. Education, carreer, married/widowed, kids. I really don't care what they did BEFORE they met me. I give them a chance as a clean slate with me now. I really don't even care why you got divorced. You can tell me, but, I won't certainly won't ask on the first date!

 

I could care less how many partners they've had, if they've cheated, if they've done drugs. What matters is how they are now. People can and do change all the time.

 

Also, you don't need to volunteer everything. You really don't unless you want to. For example, I no longer drink, or smoke weed, at all. I used to to both to excess. I used to sell weed. Do I tell people that. HELL NO. It's no ones business and it's not who I am now, not even close. If people ask me why I don't drink, I tell them that alcohol and I don't get along well and I decided to ditch it. I'm telling them the truth, without going into itsy-bitsy details.

 

Over time details reveal themselves in a relationship. I don't like inquisition type of early dates. I reveal myself as I become more comforatble with someone. You don't need to put everything on the table immediately.

[GemmaUK]

I've never been asked by a guy ever, the question "whether I've cheated or not".

 

I haven't, by the way. Been cheated on, never done it myself.

 

I think you think this is a normal dating question to ask, but since I've been dating from when I was 16, and am now almost 32, not one guy I have ever been with, not one guy I have ever met, whether it be for one date or years, has ever asked "have you cheated?"

 

All you show when you ask this question, is how damaged you are. And that's why I would weed a bloke out based on his over-interest in my dating/sexual past. It screams insecurity, damage and cynicism. I've no time for any of that.

 

I just love how you think asking this question is going to make people give up the goods. "Oh, totally, I've cheated before!" Lol indeed. The best cheaters are going to lie their arse off and you'll have no idea. Those that know what they're doing, are able to hoodwink their main partner with no trouble at all.

 

You are absolutely spot on!

It's not a question I have ever asked anybody.

The one person who asked me that question was the guy I mentioned in earlier posts. He was the controlling and emotionally abusive one.

We all know that those behaviours stem from insecurity and he was incredibly insecure.

 

He was also a 'victim' over anything in his life that didn't go his way...even down to those postcodes I mentioned in my first post on here. He liked to play the victim and took no responsibility for so many other things.

He even (before we met) lost his trucking license and was therefore out of work for several months.

It was his ex's fault (of course) because he hadn't redirected his mail to where he had been living for the past 2.5 years. (!!). His license reminder letter was sent to his ex's place and she hadn't opened it.

In my view it was his responsibility to redirect his mail and his responsibility to know when his license would run out (knowing that he could not work without it). Not hers! He was adamant it was her fault though and absolutely nothing to do with him.

[veggirl]

Your past sounds very average, I don't see what the big deal is.

[Vyliss]

You're still single and you're worrying about this? Honestly I would keep personal past histories to yourself until you're close enough and comfortable enough to feel you can reveal without scaring him off.

 

The right guy will accept all of you, the good, the bad, your past, though ithink he would care more about your present and future with him then worrying about your past.

 

in terms of admitting youve cheated before i would not bring this up unless he specifically asks! Although personally I would not be ashamed of your past. They are important to the person you've become today, if a guy can't accept that then he's not the right guy and doesn't deserve you.

[kaylan]

kaylan, this forum is anything but a place to highlight "normal" dating and relationships. This place is heavily skewed towards the utterly miserable.

 

Guess I'm lucky. I think someone who is "quality", is someone who doesn't need to test me. The most powerful thing you can do for someone when forging a relationship, is to give them the benefit of the doubt. It's the minimum anyone is owed, when forming a relationship. No wonder you're taking a break from dating - no one would find it fun, the way you approach it. You're constantly waiting for the other person to disappoint you.

Lol, women have plenty fun with me. However its a rare few I ever let past the "just dating" stage. Women have to earn my commitment. Benefit of the doubt isnt given to secretive low quality women.

[pickflicker]

Lol, women have plenty fun with me. However its a rare few I ever let past the "just dating" stage. Women have to earn my commitment. Benefit of the doubt isnt given to secretive low quality women.

 

Seems like you meet a lot of them. Sucks to be you. Must be a vibe you give out.

[kaylan]

Seems like you meet a lot of them. Sucks to be you. Must be a vibe you give out.

Actually, if you read my last couple threads youd see that the women Ive been dating recently are nice girls, but I just wasnt interested in moving forward. However, that said, its rare I find a woman I feel Id want to commit to. Most women arent worthy of that though. And Id say the same thing of women looking for the right guy to commit to.

 

You find a good mate by being rightly selective.

[pickflicker]

Actually, if you read my last couple threads youd see that the women Ive been dating recently are nice girls, but I just wasnt interesting in moving forward. However, that said, its rare I find a woman I feel Id want to commit to. Most women arent worthy of that. And Id say the same thing of women looking for the right guy to commit to.

 

You find a good mate by being rightly selective.

 

I reckon you're too picky. With an overinflated sense of how awesome you are. Because your 'selective', isn't really getting you anywhere.

[kaylan]

I reckon you're too picky. With an overinflated sense of how awesome you are. Because your 'selective', isn't really getting you anywhere.

Not too picky at all. I know what I like, and I wont settle like I have in the past. Ill be happy with a woman I truly want and who truly wants me. And my sense of awesomeness is not overinflated. Next time Im in a relationship, my then girlfriend will be able to tell you how well I treat my women.

[Vyliss]

I agree you shouldn't settle for less if you know what you want. Provided what you want is actually realistic.

Some people do have overly unrealistic expectations of what they're after.

[RedRobin]

People here consider me a pretty judgmental person... and in a lot of ways I am.

 

 

I've worked hard to avoid some of the behaviors others have done. I've been tempted. I've had close calls. I understand the appeal...

 

 

I also have lived long enough to know that some people DO make changes and put their lives back in order. Unfortunately, having been divorced from a guy I gave a chance to... then later failed. I won't do that again.

 

 

The difference between me and probably a lot of the guys you might come across... is that when I learn about someone's history... I may not accept it or want to date them... but I never shame them nor do I tell others. It is only the ones who have been dishonest or mean about it with me that I do that... Because I don't want others to be deceived or harmed. Even then, it is very, very rare when I do that. The extent of their deception has to be pretty significant.

 

 

... but here is the deal. You are NOT obliged to tell perfect strangers your life history. People who insist you do that are disrespectful, IMHO. I NEVER pry. I simply take my time getting to know people. If you aren't comfortable sharing with someone when they ask, you also have the choice to walk away if you aren't ready or are afraid.

 

 

You... and other people in your situation... will need to find a way to put that impulsiveness aside... at least long enough to know if that person is worthy of your trust. It doesn't mean they won't reject you. It just means they won't pile on and do more to harm you. A trustworthy, decent person who doesn't share your values and wants something different for their life... They will NOT do more damage... they will NOT be one of those guys who view you as 'good for sex but not for a relationship'...

 

 

Take your time getting to know people. So that YOU know that your secrets are in good hands...

 

 

Everyone deserves a chance at redemption... if they put in the work. Even if it doesn't mean it is with them.

Edited April 13, 2014 by RedRobin

[sagetalk]

He refused to have sex with me and I felt rejected by him. I didn't actually intend to cheat on him. It just happened in a moment when I snapped. I really did not see it coming and I was under the influence of alcohol.

 

It seems really unfair to say be honest about something, but men will always judge on it. I hate how men are such hypocrites. It's like as soon as I admit that hey I enjoy sex, they put me in the "slut" category.

 

Gosh I'm so cynical but I've learnt that no one rewards you for being honest. People reward you for showing face...this is where my dilemma is...

 

You are not taking ownership of your cheating, it wasn't his fault, it was 100% your fault. Just because he wouldn't have sex with you gives you no right to cheat on him. That attitude is a huge turnoff. A repentant attitude will get you much farther.

 

I promise you women judge men equally, if not more brutality, on sexuality. You cheated on a guy for not sleeping with you, what he was doing was actually noble and you kicked him in the nuts for it.

 

Your dilemma is that you want people to treat you like you are a saint when you are not. If you change your ways, people will forgive and forget. From reading your posts, I don't see it. If you want great guys who don't want to date loose women, your attitude needs a major overhaul.

 

You can start by admitting you were 100% wrong for cheating and get rid off all those excuses.

[thecrucible]

You are not taking ownership of your cheating, it wasn't his fault, it was 100% your fault. Just because he wouldn't have sex with you gives you no right to cheat on him. That attitude is a huge turnoff. A repentant attitude will get you much farther.

 

No that's not true. Look I owned up at the time. I was truly sorry. What else am I supposed to say? I'm not saying any of it was his fault? I'm just telling you why I think I did it. I didn't deliberately set out to do it, as wrong as that sounds. I can't explain it any other way.

 

You cheated on a guy for not sleeping with you, what he was doing was actually noble and you kicked him in the nuts for it.

 

If the man I love is not making love to me, how is that supposed to make me feel? If we have been dating for 2 years, and suddenly he shows zero affection to me and spends no time with me - no hugs, no kisses, no asking how was my day, no spending quality time with me whatsover...how do you think that made me feel? We would talk to each other every day but the only thing he wanted to talk to me about was his work. I need affection to feel loved. Without physical attention from a man, I feel rejected. I even brought it up with him before and he didn't give a ****. Now that made me feel worse. 4 months later, and the situation still hadn't changed.

 

In hindsight, he had a different view to me and that's what makes us thoroughly incompatible. It wasn't just the sex side though as I pointed out - it was the fact that he started to show no affection at all. I was extremely upset about this and I acted out irrationally.

 

Your dilemma is that you want people to treat you like you are a saint when you are not.

 

No I don't. I don't give a **** about being a saint. That's the last thing I want. I don't want to be a jerk either but there's absolutely no reason I want to be a saint. I don't want people to kiss my ass. I want people to tell it like it is. I think you're projecting onto me.

 

You can start by admitting you were 100% wrong for cheating and get rid off all those excuses.

 

I've already done that. I don't know how else I can do that because I've already done that. I can admit guilt and still acknowledge what made me do it - that doesn't mean I'm blaming him.

[StanMusial]

I've been single mostly for the past 3 years, aside from a brief relationship at the end of last year. Have taken this time to improve myself and get my **** together. I lost a tonne of weight, I stopped having casual sex and drinking as much. I knuckled down and work harder with my essays and job applications. Things are starting to look up.

 

Now I have had a troubled past, full of terrible things I did when I was suffering depression and was just a totally messed up drama queen with daddy issues. I had therapy. I've turned a corner now and it won't happen again but how the hell can I ever be open with a man about the extent of my past?

 

I cheated on a guy 3 years ago who wasn't treating me well and then basically went off the rails. That doesn't excuse it but I regret that every single day of my life. If someone asked me straight, "Have you ever cheated on someone?", I would have to be honest but I also think it would mean that most men would rule me out completely as girlfriend material. It sucks because I can't change the past and would take it back if I could.

 

I've also been sexually adventurous in the past during an experimental phase, which included a sort-of threesome, strip poker, casual drug use (cannabis), a couple of flings. I almost dropped out of school (went from getting straight As to crumbling under the pressure). The number of partners I've had is still only 9 or 10 and I have always used protection. But yeah I'm not exactly going to be promoting that past. I was living in the moment when that happened. I wasn't thinking about having to explain it later.

 

I'm just really freaked out now. People say honesty in a new relationship is key. I haven't started up a new relationship with anyone but I'm freaked out about what to say should a man ask questions about my past. I just don't want to bring it up because it says nothing about who I am now. I have regrets. I also don't believe any decent guy wouldn't ever want me. Sometimes I self-sabotage. Sometimes my friend sabotages me by telling guys about my past...

 

I know the past is not me. I regret certain actions which have built my character, because I've used those incidents as a catalyst to become a better person. I'm still a sweet girl at the core. I just want to meet a man who can look past my messed up past and see that I have a good heart.

 

I am scared to be close to another man in case he rejects me. What is the best way to talk about my past?

 

You do seem to regret some bad choices in the past, we can only assume you are sincere about that. I can't say what was going on when your friend may have told something to someone, but I will say this. It takes years to build a good reputation and one moment of recklessness to tear it down. There's no reason to share every sordid detail of a misspent youth... but you can't outrun your reputation, that is something that can only be repaired over years.

[thecrucible]

You do seem to regret some bad choices in the past, we can only assume you are sincere about that. I can't say what was going on when your friend may have told something to someone, but I will say this. It takes years to build a good reputation and one moment of recklessness to tear it down. There's no reason to share every sordid detail of a misspent youth... but you can't outrun your reputation, that is something that can only be repaired over years.

 

You're certainly right about that. Moving out of my small town would help with that too. The fact is I did that stuff in a different head space. I did some of it when I just wanted to play without commitment. I don't feel like that now. I want a romantic relationship, truly. Men are able to do that and then suddenly go into commitment mode. Well I am the same because those times, I didn't want to commit because I didn't want to get into a relationship that wasn't right and end up hurting someone again. And now I do want to commit and I'm confident that I would be assertive, make the right choices and not hurt someone in that way again.

 

Although I thought I was on a better path, I got involved with a guy last autumn without thinking. Was dating this guy, I had sex too soon and then suddenly realised I wasn't that into him so I had to bail. This looked really ****ty and that I had used him for sex, which wasn't the case. It just looked like it was. The alternative would have been to stay with him and live a lie. I just couldn't do that, no matter how ****ty ending it would make me look. We weren't officially a couple but I still got a lot of flack for it. I had no idea he was as into me as he was. We were only on the 3rd date. I have a habit of rushing intimacy and I need to stop doing that.

 

You see, despite what people on this thread think, I'm not that desperately concerned to keep up appearances. In the situation with the ex I cheated on, I was prepared to face the consequences by doing what was right. I could very well have not even told him because I wanted to break up with him anyway. I could very well have not told him and had a better reputation. But I did tell him.

[ThatMan]

I cheated on a guy 3 years ago who wasn't treating me well and then basically went off the rails. That doesn't excuse it but I regret that every single day of my life.

If how he treated you was truly irrelevant then you wouldn't feel the need to even bring that up in the first place. That's just how I see it and why some might go ahead and draw their own conclusions about whether or not you've taking ownership for past infidelity. It doesn't matter if he was being a dick. You should have walked away from him instead of cheating followed by pointing to his poor behavior many years after the fact.

 

Running away from a man this past Autumn because of the belief you've had sex too soon is another example of being insincere and unable to take ownership of your actions. The only thing you literally had to do talk to the man. You do seem pretty desperate to keep up appearances and I don't care if you claim otherwise. Most women in your position wouldn't preoccupy themselves with how things look from the outside because what he thinks should have been more important.

 

 

 

You see, despite what people on this thread think, I'm not that desperately concerned to keep up appearances. In the situation with the ex I cheated on, I was prepared to face the consequences by doing what was right. I could very well have not even told him because I wanted to break up with him anyway. I could very well have not told him and had a better reputation. But I did tell him.

Right...

Yet you cannot discuss the affair without pointing a finger towards him. How people typically keep up appearances after being unfaithful is by pointing a finger. You'll be amazed what lengths an abusive man will go to in convincing everyone around him that his wife is a horrible person who had it coming. You had an affair and he just wasn't treating you well. Typical, exactly the same response from any given abusive meathead who wants to keep up appearances. You wouldn't bother smearing him if you didn't care what other people thought of you. The affair is entirely on you and not on him. Stop pointing to him for your decision to have an affair if you truly care about improvement and ownership. Ownership is all about speaking for yourself with the word 'I' without even discussing other people. There should be no 'him', 'he', or 'them' whenever you're speaking for your own actions.

Edited April 13, 2014 by ThatMan