thecrucible Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 I've been single mostly for the past 3 years, aside from a brief relationship at the end of last year. Have taken this time to improve myself and get my **** together. I lost a tonne of weight, I stopped having casual sex and drinking as much. I knuckled down and work harder with my essays and job applications. Things are starting to look up. Now I have had a troubled past, full of terrible things I did when I was suffering depression and was just a totally messed up drama queen with daddy issues. I had therapy. I've turned a corner now and it won't happen again but how the hell can I ever be open with a man about the extent of my past? I cheated on a guy 3 years ago who wasn't treating me well and then basically went off the rails. That doesn't excuse it but I regret that every single day of my life. If someone asked me straight, "Have you ever cheated on someone?", I would have to be honest but I also think it would mean that most men would rule me out completely as girlfriend material. It sucks because I can't change the past and would take it back if I could. I've also been sexually adventurous in the past during an experimental phase, which included a sort-of threesome, strip poker, casual drug use (cannabis), a couple of flings. I almost dropped out of school (went from getting straight As to crumbling under the pressure). The number of partners I've had is still only 9 or 10 and I have always used protection. But yeah I'm not exactly going to be promoting that past. I was living in the moment when that happened. I wasn't thinking about having to explain it later. I'm just really freaked out now. People say honesty in a new relationship is key. I haven't started up a new relationship with anyone but I'm freaked out about what to say should a man ask questions about my past. I just don't want to bring it up because it says nothing about who I am now. I have regrets. I also don't believe any decent guy wouldn't ever want me. Sometimes I self-sabotage. Sometimes my friend sabotages me by telling guys about my past... I know the past is not me. I regret certain actions which have built my character, because I've used those incidents as a catalyst to become a better person. I'm still a sweet girl at the core. I just want to meet a man who can look past my messed up past and see that I have a good heart. I am scared to be close to another man in case he rejects me. What is the best way to talk about my past?
kaylan Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 Most guys I know wont freak out about 9 or 10 partners. If you are in your 20s, that sounds about average, and if you are in your 30s or older, that sounds low. Personally, strip poker and marijuana dont bother me. Pot is pretty common place in American society, and strip poker can be seen as silly fun. What would personally bother me is the history of cheating, and possibly the 3-some. I have a rule that I dont date women who have ever cheated. I feel that if they can cheat on their ex, they can cheat on me. And its always possible to leave a relationship rather than stay in a bad one and cheat. And regarding the 3-some, Im different from some guys. Id let it slide if it was a sort-of threesome with 2 guys. I would likely not be interested in a woman whos hooked up with females. Im not attracted to women who have sexual desire for other women. Thats just me. All this being said, Id say the biggest thing most guys will be turned off by is the cheating history. Dont lie about it. Be honest and let a guy know youve changed and grown as a person. If a woman lied to me about that, she would be dumped sooooo fast.
Author thecrucible Posted April 13, 2014 Author Posted April 13, 2014 I have a rule that I dont date women who have ever cheated. I feel that if they can cheat on their ex, they can cheat on me. And its always possible to leave a relationship rather than stay in a bad one and cheat. That's the thing that sucks. People will think "once a cheater; always a cheater" and it sucks because what happened was very specific to the circumstances I was in. I'm not excusing it but the guy was acting like a jerk and distancing himself from me. He refused to have sex with me and I felt rejected by him. I didn't actually intend to cheat on him. It just happened in a moment when I snapped. I really did not see it coming and I was under the influence of alcohol. I wish I had just left him. I addressed why it happened - partly because I didn't have the guts to break up with him...heh. But I also don't drink much anymore and avoid situations where the same thing could happen. At least I told the guy straight way because I thought he should know what happened. It seems really unfair to say be honest about something, but men will always judge on it. I hate how men are such hypocrites. It's like as soon as I admit that hey I enjoy sex, they put me in the "slut" category. I meet men, like my ex, who were disappointed that I'd had several partners but I'm 24 for christ's sake. It's like you can't win with men. They expect you not to have a life before you meet them. This is why I have doubts about being honest and I'm thinking about hiding parts of my past. Every time I meet men, I feel like I have to put on a facade and that I can't really be myself. I have to look as 'pure' as possible. I know women who've done all sorts of crap but 'cause they haven't told their men, the guys basically think the sun shines out of their ass. Gosh I'm so cynical but I've learnt that no one rewards you for being honest. People reward you for showing face...this is where my dilemma is... I'm actually quite a loyal person as well. That's partly what lead to the cheating, ironically. I put myself under pressure to stay in a relationship I didn't want out of a sense of duty.
Noproblem Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 Honesty is not always the key.. You don't have to tell every little details People say it's the key, but I am sure most of those people lost a lot just because they were honest... You don't have to tell you are pure innocent, you can always say, I did a lot mistakes and I am not proud of them that's why I know I won't do them again, but let's by gone be by gone! Nobody can force you in telling things you don't wanna tell.. and if so called fired sabotage you, please don't call them friends any more and don't associate with such kind of people!
Noproblem Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 As for cheating Well, cheating is horrible. You said he treated you bad so you cheated! Well, if you insist on telling people this story Make sure you know them for more than 3 months and make sure you tell them how horrible your partner was so they can justify your cheating ... or at least understand it Don't go telling your past to a guy you just met No, don't get me wrong. I am not saying that so you can be in a happy relationship. I am saying once you tell your past to people and those people leave, those people will say bad things about you and ruin your reputation even more.. In career hunt, in future ..these information that you gave them will come back and bite you.. so don't tell information about your past to people you don't really know! so you dated for 5 weeks! you still don't know them! Honesty won't help you when everyone in school and in your job laugh behind your back and call you nasty names
Noproblem Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 Next time when a guy treat you bad, you stand up to him. You don't owe him anything You don't go cheating behind his back No, break up with him and then bring your new boyfriend in front of his nose .. Cheating is for cowards, be bold and break his heart in other ways!
J21 Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 Just be honest and speak from the heart, kinda like the post you wrote. You seem genuine and sincere about everything. I think you have to be honest and just let the guy know you learned from the past. After all is said and done, you also have to let the guy decide if he wants to accept you knowing your past. Relationships are two way streets, and both parties have to accept each other. I wouldn't advise half truths and bending the truth if he flat out asks you questions about it, that just me though. Good luck
bluegreen Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 Did you rob bank no, Did you killed someone no, did you go around street kicking puppies no, do you have STD no. So if all of these are NO your past is your own issue you don't tell squat to anyone its simple as that. Now if you end up in relationship where you are heading toward living together or more then you say either : I had a lot of past issues but worked very hard to over come them and am not same person I was then nor am gonna be again. Or you spill all beans BUT no one else in your "just" dating phase needs to or deserves to know such private stuff not unless you want them to scream and run off not cause you been so bad but its LOT to drop on someone. 2
Author thecrucible Posted April 13, 2014 Author Posted April 13, 2014 Honesty is not always the key.. You don't have to tell every little details People say it's the key, but I am sure most of those people lost a lot just because they were honest... You don't have to tell you are pure innocent, you can always say, I did a lot mistakes and I am not proud of them that's why I know I won't do them again, but let's by gone be by gone! Nobody can force you in telling things you don't wanna tell.. and if so called fired sabotage you, please don't call them friends any more and don't associate with such kind of people! Thank you. Yes so I face the challenge of knowing I will always have skeletons in my closet. I fear that if I was ever 100% honest with any man, I would never have a chance of getting married or meeting the love of my life. That's what I'm thinking of saying. That there are things I regret but there are also things that people have done to me, and that's just the nature of things but I have learnt from my experiences. For me, it's really that I won't EVER do it again. I mean I didn't even intend to do it in the first place... Because of this as well, I don't think I'll bother being too nosy about any man I meet's past. I mean I actually don't care who he's dated and what he's done as long as he's good to me and STD free.
Candy_Pants Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 Do yourself a favor- drop the gender stereotypes. Lumping "men" together isn't helping your outlook and cause. Now. Not everyone judges others on the past, yes even in regards to cheating. I've cheated and haven't had a problem dating. And no, I'm not some mega hottie who has men falling at my feet and tossing standards out the window. Lots of people realize people do stupid stuff, but hopefully learn and grow and CHANGE.
CarrieT Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 Gosh I'm so cynical but I've learnt that no one rewards you for being honest. People reward you for showing face...this is where my dilemma is... The RIGHT GUY will reward you for being honest. As an example, I am a woman with a VERY checkered past (sexual partners in the 300's, lots of orgies, etc.) Ultimately, I met a guy who was understanding about the whys-and-wherefores of my past and still wanted to marry me. It can happen and if you can't be truly honest with a guy and have him accept you for who you are, then he is not the RIGHT GUY. 4
Author thecrucible Posted April 13, 2014 Author Posted April 13, 2014 So if all of these are NO your past is your own issue you don't tell squat to anyone its simple as that. Now if you end up in relationship where you are heading toward living together or more then you say either : I had a lot of past issues but worked very hard to over come them and am not same person I was then nor am gonna be again. Thank you. I'll follow your advice. I'm going to have to talk to that friend of mine too. Last guy I dated, she was drunk and blurted out "guess what. She had a threesome and she's bisexual". She did it again recently which was annoying. Then I had to face endless questions from him about it afterwards. The worst is that I couldn't really deny it after she said it, even though what happened was technically not a threesome and it was 2 years ago. I'm not actually bisexual, just bicurious but I really want to keep that under wraps...*sigh* I've chosen not to speak to her about it yet because she's moving away, so the chances are that it's unlikely she'll ever be around the next guy I date.
pickflicker Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 I've been single mostly for the past 3 years, aside from a brief relationship at the end of last year. Have taken this time to improve myself and get my **** together. I lost a tonne of weight, I stopped having casual sex and drinking as much. I knuckled down and work harder with my essays and job applications. Things are starting to look up. Now I have had a troubled past, full of terrible things I did when I was suffering depression and was just a totally messed up drama queen with daddy issues. I had therapy. I've turned a corner now and it won't happen again but how the hell can I ever be open with a man about the extent of my past? I cheated on a guy 3 years ago who wasn't treating me well and then basically went off the rails. That doesn't excuse it but I regret that every single day of my life. If someone asked me straight, "Have you ever cheated on someone?", I would have to be honest but I also think it would mean that most men would rule me out completely as girlfriend material. It sucks because I can't change the past and would take it back if I could. I've also been sexually adventurous in the past during an experimental phase, which included a sort-of threesome, strip poker, casual drug use (cannabis), a couple of flings. I almost dropped out of school (went from getting straight As to crumbling under the pressure). The number of partners I've had is still only 9 or 10 and I have always used protection. But yeah I'm not exactly going to be promoting that past. I was living in the moment when that happened. I wasn't thinking about having to explain it later. I'm just really freaked out now. People say honesty in a new relationship is key. I haven't started up a new relationship with anyone but I'm freaked out about what to say should a man ask questions about my past. I just don't want to bring it up because it says nothing about who I am now. I have regrets. I also don't believe any decent guy wouldn't ever want me. Sometimes I self-sabotage. Sometimes my friend sabotages me by telling guys about my past... I know the past is not me. I regret certain actions which have built my character, because I've used those incidents as a catalyst to become a better person. I'm still a sweet girl at the core. I just want to meet a man who can look past my messed up past and see that I have a good heart. I am scared to be close to another man in case he rejects me. What is the best way to talk about my past? Don't. Are you STD free? If so, don't tell him anything, it's none of his business.
Author thecrucible Posted April 13, 2014 Author Posted April 13, 2014 Do yourself a favor- drop the gender stereotypes. Lumping "men" together isn't helping your outlook and cause Sorry I was venting. I just keep running into the same problems with men. Just sick of feeling like I am being judged all the time My male friends are sympathetic though so maybe there's hope out there for a potential boyfriend to be as understanding.
Author thecrucible Posted April 13, 2014 Author Posted April 13, 2014 Don't. Are you STD free? If so, don't tell him anything, it's none of his business. The situation is purely hypothetical at the moment. I'm still single. I'll just have to learn not to overshare/self-sabotage on dates. Interestingly, I find that when I'm not as interested in a guy I end up doing my best to mess the date up. Weird.
pickflicker Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 The situation is purely hypothetical at the moment. I'm still single. I'll just have to learn not to overshare/self-sabotage on dates. Interestingly, I find that when I'm not as interested in a guy I end up doing my best to mess the date up. Weird. It's safe to assume, that anything relating to past relationships/sexual experiences, is off limits for the most part. Tell them your last serious relationship was a little while ago, and it didn't work out. That it was disappointing that it ended, but you're ready for something that is better. That's it. 2
soccerrprp Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 Just sick of feeling like I am being judged all the time My male friends are sympathetic though so maybe there's hope out there for a potential boyfriend to be as understanding. You are being judged. There are those who will look at your past with disapproval. You can't blame them for that, but there are those who will dismiss your past and take a chance that the past is no longer an obstacle in your present and present. I wouldn't read too much into your friends sympathizing. Friends are much more forgiving especially if they are not the ones asking you for a date or don't have the intention of doing so. Interestingly, I find that when I'm not as interested in a guy I end up doing my best to mess the date up. Weird. It's when one is not as interested is when sabotaging a relationship is more common. Nothing weird about that. Common.
kaylan Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 That's the thing that sucks. People will think "once a cheater; always a cheater" and it sucks because what happened was very specific to the circumstances I was in. I'm not excusing it but the guy was acting like a jerk and distancing himself from me. He refused to have sex with me and I felt rejected by him. I didn't actually intend to cheat on him. It just happened in a moment when I snapped. I really did not see it coming and I was under the influence of alcohol. I wish I had just left him. I addressed why it happened - partly because I didn't have the guts to break up with him...heh. But I also don't drink much anymore and avoid situations where the same thing could happen. At least I told the guy straight way because I thought he should know what happened.Youre making a lot of excuses here. Your boyfriends bad behavior and your alcohol influence doesnt make me see this situation any better. Makes it look worse. Ive never cheated on a girlfriend like that...and Ive always known not to drink around certain females or put myself in bad situations. I want a like minded woman. Its not a slight against you. Its to point out that everyone should be allowed to choose the kind of partner they really want. They shouldnt be lied to about things that are important to them. It seems really unfair to say be honest about something, but men will always judge on it. I hate how men are such hypocrites. It's like as soon as I admit that hey I enjoy sex, they put me in the "slut" category. I meet men, like my ex, who were disappointed that I'd had several partners but I'm 24 for christ's sake. It's like you can't win with men. They expect you not to have a life before you meet them. This is why I have doubts about being honest and I'm thinking about hiding parts of my past. Every time I meet men, I feel like I have to put on a facade and that I can't really be myself. I have to look as 'pure' as possible. Then dont date prude hypocrties. Plenty of guys out there wont bat an eye at 10 partners. Youre in your mid 20s. The number is rather average. Anyways, I dont condone lying. And Im not ashamed of my past, and neither should you. Find people who accept you. I dont care about women who dont want me, and you shouldnt give a damn about men who dont want you. Whats better? Rejection by you or the guy early on because of your of his behavior? Or is is better to lie to one another, and find out the truth after youve built a connection...only to have the truth cause greater pain because of the history you two now have? Be honest when it comes to relationships. I know women who've done all sorts of crap but 'cause they haven't told their men, the guys basically think the sun shines out of their ass.Either the men are stupid, or willfully ignorant, or maybe doing their own bad deeds. Either way, let those tramps sully their name...why should you? Anyways, my vetting process is VERY intensive because I know how sneaky, dishonest, and manipulative some women can be. I dont commit to liars, and I let women know that off the bat. And I let women know that trust means a lot to me. It doesnt matter if we were together for 2 years...if I find out shes lied to me about something she knows is important to me, thats the end of our relationship that same day. Shes better off having me as a lover who fully accepted her from the get-go, rather than her being dumped on her ass for lying to me. And if shes done something that would have prevented me from dating her to begin with, she still could have had me as a friend rather than lie to me. Gosh I'm so cynical but I've learnt that no one rewards you for being honest. People reward you for showing face...this is where my dilemma is... I'm actually quite a loyal person as well. That's partly what lead to the cheating, ironically. I put myself under pressure to stay in a relationship I didn't want out of a sense of duty. Part of being loyal, is being honest. Thats how I see it. Cheating is dishonest, and disloyal. Dont fool yourself. You stayed in that relationship because you didnt want to be single, and you werent strong enough to let go. It was a selfish act. Accept it, accept you did wrong, and stop blaming your ex. He may be a douche...but that doesnt excuse your own poor behavior. Even if I could ever overlook a woman cheating in her past, I could never overlook a woman who blame shifts and doesnt recognize the wrongness of her actions. When you try to put cheating in the same thought process as loyalty...well...obviously you dont fully see how wrong it was. 2
kaylan Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 Did you rob bank no, Did you killed someone no, did you go around street kicking puppies no, do you have STD no. So if all of these are NO your past is your own issue you don't tell squat to anyone its simple as that. Now if you end up in relationship where you are heading toward living together or more then you say either : I had a lot of past issues but worked very hard to over come them and am not same person I was then nor am gonna be again. Or you spill all beans BUT no one else in your "just" dating phase needs to or deserves to know such private stuff not unless you want them to scream and run off not cause you been so bad but its LOT to drop on someone. This is such bull crap. So its ok to lie and hide important information regarding your past infidelity? Your telling me it doesnt matter if thats an important issue to a potential mate? GTFO with that ish. Our past makes us who we are today...and if a woman cannot be honest with me regarding her ability to be honest and faithful, she doesnt even get a shot at being even a relationship prospect, let alone someone I would consider living with. People need to be upfront about this crap before the commitment stage of dating. If a woman wants to know about my sexual history, or my loyalty history before committing to be...because she deems it important to her decision...I will let her know the truth. Ive slept with an average number of women and I have never cheated before.
Arieswoman Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 thecrucible, What is the best way to talk about my past?
kaylan Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 Let me lastly say this, I get so sick and tired of people thinking its ok to hoodwink people into relationships through outright lying or lies by omission. People are so quick to omit important relationship info, which is why I always outright ask. If I get a beat-around-the-bush answer...I dont date the girl. And if she lies to me and I find out, I leave. I want the truth, because I give it. If a woman cannot handle that, she can find someone more suited for her. Why not find someone who accepts you, or who may have a similar past? Why deceive anyone into a false reality? 4
Arieswoman Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 Apols, the crucible, something went wrong with my last post and now I can't edit it! Any man who dates you should be interested in who you are now not then. The past is the past, leave it there. (Unless you have a criminal record or poor credit ratings - you'll need to fess up about those !) 4
Author thecrucible Posted April 13, 2014 Author Posted April 13, 2014 Cheating is dishonest, and disloyal. Dont fool yourself. You stayed in that relationship because you didnt want to be single, and you werent strong enough to let go. It was a selfish act. Accept it, accept you did wrong, and stop blaming your ex. He may be a douche...but that doesnt excuse your own poor behavior. I'm not blame-shifting. I took full responsibility. I owned up at the time. I've just had enough time to reflect and realise why I did it. If you had been in my shoes, you would understand. It happened so quickly that I didn't understand why at the time. It pulled away any concept I had of being a good person. It humbled me, effectively. I have never blamed him for the cheating. I thought I did it out of the desire to feel sexually wanted but later I realised there were deeper reasons as you have outlined above. I addressed it. I am not a fake people-pleaser anymore. I am not afraid of being single...and I'm beginning to be able to be open about my feelings rather than drowning them in sex and alcohol. I know I will be able to walk away in future rather than sinking that low. I console myself that at least I fessed up, and at least it wasn't a deliberate deceit. And at least I didn't do it more than once. I felt a lot of regret. I cried for hours afterwards. Still wish I could turn back time. 2
pickflicker Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 Let me lastly say this, I get so sick and tired of people thinking its ok to hoodwink people into relationships through outright lying or lies by omission. People are so quick to omit important relationship info, which is why I always outright ask. If I get a beat-around-the-bush answer...I dont date the girl. And if she lies to me and I find out, I leave. I want the truth, because I give it. If a woman cannot handle that, she can find someone more suited for her. Why not find someone who accepts you, or who may have a similar past? Why deceive anyone into a false reality? Equally, anyone who decides the Spanish Inquisition into my dating life is appropriate first/second/third date conversation, is quickly weeded out. Win-win 2
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 (edited) I think if you want an honest open relationship, a relationship where someone is going to accept you for who you are, including your past (any psychologist would probably laugh in your face with the "past is the past" comment) then you should be honest about who you are and what you've done, but some people have a past they want to escape, therefore they're defensive about it and rather not be judged for it so they try and hide it. But if you truly want someone to accept you for you instead of worry about the skeletons in your closet that may come back to haunt you one day and you feel that if they knew about your past that it may influence or change their opinion/decision about being with you, then what kind of relationship do you really desire to build with that person? one birthed from omission and/or lies? one where your "image" is manipulated by you as you selective reveal only certain truths to mold yourself into what you want him to think of you as? I think when someone hides from their past, or shields themselves from it...it really says a lot about them and their own acceptance over it, it means that you haven't accepted it and come to terms with it, it means that you feel guilty and embarrassed by it and rather cringe or bury your head in the sand over it and carry the burden...and you're essentially asking someone else to do something for you that you can't do for yourself. It's just not the way you want to live IMO for yourself not because of other people even. Does that mean you share your whole life story with everyone and anyone you meet? honestly, chances are the guys you're going to meet are looking for a hook-up anyway and couldn't care less, they know it's 2014 and you might have been around the block a few times or more...but the few guys looking for a relationship and get past that initial phase and are considering a relationship or something serious, they are likely to have some questions/concerns, and they may or may not be ok with it...and you have the right to ask them the same questions and consider what they tell you, but if you lie and hide the truth, and later you go on and somehow, someway the truth comes out...well that may cost you more than if you told them the truth from the beginning...because now their trust may be broken and it may instantly change the way they look at you, and then you'll be crying about how sorry you are and making all kinds of excuses not to lose the guy, potentially. And yes they may be lying themselves, in fact it is likely...I see people paint themselves as the victim, it's funny to me because when you talk to everyone they are the victim even when they are the perpetrator in someone else's eyes, but who's to know or say any different right? but you can't control what other people do, you can only speak and represent yourself, and that's the point. Cheating...threesomes...drugs/partying..can be a fairly big deal for some people, especially for a conservative fellow, I think if he's truly seeking someone without those experiences and he has retained his own level of expectations then I think he has the right to find someone with similar values/beliefs/morals, I think people deserve that for themselves, it's not about you. And I think it's dishonest to give someone a different impression because you think it's irrelevant because it's a long time ago. Now mind you this is coming from someone with a past himself, I've cheated, done the threesomes, not so much into drugs or partying but I'm not going to lie about it just to win someone over. It's what I've been through, there's things and experiences that will always be apart of me because of those choices and I wouldn't be foolish enough to say they didn't impact me because they are from long ago, I know why I made those decisions and it had nothing to do with those women or even women themselves, and I understand now why I made those choices and I figured that out for myself not anyone else, I may not be proud of it but it's not something I'm going to bury in the sand and hope never reveals itself again...that would be childish and show a great weakness in my own eyes, it would mean I don't respect myself enough to stand by the things I have done, it means I am not accountable for my past so therefore I must fear it and hide it away from those who I may judge me, and furthermore I would never give anyone that kind of power over me by cowering. Edited April 13, 2014 by Ninjainpajamas 6
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