Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted April 12, 2014 Posted April 12, 2014 I was single for 11 years. The desire for a relationship died after two many times my heart was broken because I liked someone and they didn't return the feelings. I prided myself on having a very independent lifestyle because I thought I would never have a family of my own. My first boyfriend treated me like **** because he probably didn't love or respect me. Years of being alone you have these feelings like " your not special enough to not pretty enough, too many people reject me, too many people use me" I'd love to bump into my old boyfriend for a bit of justice so that I could tell him how he hurt me and how it's his fault I've been single for 11 years but that's likely to never happen ... but now I'm in my first official relationship in 11 years and he doesn't judge me for it, he doesn't think it's awful. I said your risking a lot for a woman who has no relationship experience and he told me I was worth it. Somehow, he can see something in me others haven't before, not even myself. His kindness is a bit like a cultural shock, I was used to all men being bastards & I'm expecting him to "fail" this test but he keeps passing. For four days straight I've been crying because each day my wall keep coming down and I feel wiped out. I never thought any man would love me and see my worth and respect me. It's such a weird feeling being in a relationship. I'm scared everyday, but loving the experience thus far. Any woman or man out there gone from being single to in a relationship after a seriously long time I'm talking after more than 5 or 6 years ago and what emotions have you experienced? How does it feel to finally get someone that sincerely wants to be with you?
OhThatGirl Posted April 12, 2014 Posted April 12, 2014 (edited) That's really too bad it took 11 years to take another chance on love. But if I may, I recommend just cutting this new guy a break and stop waiting for the bottom to fall out. Your ex from 11 years ago would be entirely unaffected by you telling him how much he hurt you because it was 11 years ago for crying out loud. Instead of really showing him how awful he was, you would only show how poorly you've coped with whatever happened a DECADE ago. It's not HIS fault, it's YOUR fault for allowing yourself to be so destroyed. Got it? People can do whatever they'd like. We measure our own strength in our reactions. So, unless you're in the market for some self fulfilling prophecy of being lonely and broken, you have GOT to get over it and give this new guy a chance. Even the best of men only tolerate so much baggage before they expect you to get it together. It's been long enough. Stop pining away at how you were shaken and hurt and never thought you could love again. Getting wrapped up in that BS is going to ensure you don't love again. Get what I'm saying? Just go for it. Enough is enough. Edited April 12, 2014 by OhThatGirl 2
Gaeta Posted April 12, 2014 Posted April 12, 2014 You seem to think if someone is single for a long time it's because they think little of themselves. I was single for 10 years, and it was not because I thought little of myself, I actually think very highly of myself. I used that time to build myself a career, raised my daughter, bought my home, etc. Now I am dating and I am doing better than my friends who never took a break from dating. If the guy I am dating leaves me I know I will be ok, heartbreaks are part of life, they suck but they don't kill, you get up, dust yourself and move to next. Being single for a long time made me tough. I don't think a man can truly hurt me anymore. They can disappoint me, but they cannot break me apart. 3
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted April 12, 2014 Author Posted April 12, 2014 What I'm floored is a guy willing to take a RISK in a woman who hasn't had a relationship in 11 years. If you've been single that long what does that say? Every day I'm in awe, I can't believe he's willing to go there! Every day there's a little more than gets healed.
Gaeta Posted April 12, 2014 Posted April 12, 2014 What I'm floored is a guy willing to take a RISK in a woman who hasn't had a relationship in 11 years. If you've been single that long what does that say? What does it say? ....it says you don't use people as emotional band-aids? That you can stand on your own? Why do you see this as something negative?
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted April 12, 2014 Author Posted April 12, 2014 It's just so different. I mean from jumping from one situation to the next. From only experincing singleness for so long to this thing to a "relationship" is frightening . He held my hand for the first time & I started to panic. He said he'll lead me through it & he'll take care of me. It's a very, very different experience.
OhThatGirl Posted April 12, 2014 Posted April 12, 2014 What I'm floored is a guy willing to take a RISK in a woman who hasn't had a relationship in 11 years. If you've been single that long what does that say? Every day I'm in awe, I can't believe he's willing to go there! Every day there's a little more than gets healed. But you're looking at "risk" from your perspective. That there is a HUGE risk because if it doesn't work out you could spend the next 11 years alone and feeling entirely unworthy of love. But if this guy is well adjusted and has had experiences in the past that demonstrate that's NOT what happens, he knows the risk isn't that huge. If it doesn't work out, he is really upset for a while, copes and goes on with life. Cause that's what people do. So yeah, he's willing to take the risk because it's not that big of a deal. Don't let this guy heal you. You should have spent the time alone doing that. He should only prove what you already know: you're a great beautiful woman with a lot to offer and would be a great addition to someone's life. But that needs to be what YOU know about YOU. He shouldn't be the one to show you that, only to validate it. Got it? Because otherwise you run the risk of being completely devastated again if things don't work out with him.
Gaeta Posted April 12, 2014 Posted April 12, 2014 It's just so different. I mean from jumping from one situation to the next. From only experincing singleness for so long to this thing to a "relationship" is frightening . He held my hand for the first time & I started to panic. He said he'll lead me through it & he'll take care of me. It's a very, very different experience. I think you would benefit from counseling. Your issues are much deeper than just being single for a long time. I think you still suffer from your last relationship abuse and you need to look into this. This man you are dating is kind but you cannot put in him the responsibility of opening you up to life again, this is your responsibility. If this man bail on you you need to have what it takes to move on. 1
UnlitCandle Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 There's strength in solitude, always remember that. But...as someone who has never really dated because of my career focus, I must admit that going from single to dating is absolutely terrifying. That being said, so far it doesn't seem like anyone I know is holding the "no experience" thing against me. In the three days that I've put myself "on the market", I've got friends playing matchmaker and setting me up with their friends. Which is confusing as all he**. Apparently the women that I've been set up with have all expressed interest when I wasn't ready, which was a shocker to me. Going from single to dating definitely takes some getting used to, had a date on Friday night, no idea how it went since I have no clue to what's going on or what I'm doing. IMHO, graduate school was way easier and that was the most difficult thing I have done so far. I'm sure you'll figure it out, as will I, this can't possibly be more difficult than neuroscience... *knock on wood...
quidproquo89 Posted April 13, 2014 Posted April 13, 2014 I was single for 11 years. The desire for a relationship died after two many times my heart was broken because I liked someone and they didn't return the feelings. I prided myself on having a very independent lifestyle because I thought I would never have a family of my own. My first boyfriend treated me like **** because he probably didn't love or respect me. Years of being alone you have these feelings like " your not special enough to not pretty enough, too many people reject me, too many people use me" I'd love to bump into my old boyfriend for a bit of justice so that I could tell him how he hurt me and how it's his fault I've been single for 11 years but that's likely to never happen ... but now I'm in my first official relationship in 11 years and he doesn't judge me for it, he doesn't think it's awful. I said your risking a lot for a woman who has no relationship experience and he told me I was worth it. Somehow, he can see something in me others haven't before, not even myself. His kindness is a bit like a cultural shock, I was used to all men being bastards & I'm expecting him to "fail" this test but he keeps passing. For four days straight I've been crying because each day my wall keep coming down and I feel wiped out. I never thought any man would love me and see my worth and respect me. It's such a weird feeling being in a relationship. I'm scared everyday, but loving the experience thus far. Any woman or man out there gone from being single to in a relationship after a seriously long time I'm talking after more than 5 or 6 years ago and what emotions have you experienced? How does it feel to finally get someone that sincerely wants to be with you? Hey, I'm so sorry that you had such problems, unfortunately it does happen. Its great you have an independent mindset - that is helpful in and out of a relationship. Independence and having your own things going on is what gains respect from your partner. It's great you have found somebody. Try to enjoy it! I understand you will have some insecurities due to what had past. That is what it is though, PAST. The past should be learnt from but left there. Be careful that your insecurity doesn't taint what you have now, doesn't turn your partner away. You have to build a strong backbone and hard skin, otherwise when things go wrong, you will get hurt. Not saying they will go wrong . Enjoy your time together and don't stress about it. Conversation, great experiences together and just don't worry 1
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