AtTheStart Posted April 12, 2014 Posted April 12, 2014 4 weeks out. Ive been working the healing from no-contact. 1/2 between realizing I will find someone who is amazingly awesome who will be perfect for me...and just knowing in my heart I'd give a totally different me and a totally different her that chance in the future. At the moment, we're both just ready to commit...yes yes yes, I know that means there was a tragic flaw as "the right ones will absolutely be ready to commit" but the former statement is true. We're both going to travel...and I've realized it's too much fun not being in that relationship right now. Anyways, Ive been more fine than not...moving on. The 2 days ago I enter the cafe I work at and apparently just missed her by 5 minutes...we have mutual friends, and she stated to one that she hasnt talked with me since the BU because it would just "destroy her" (yes, I know an aspect of mutual no-contact is self preservation) ...she told our friend that "it has not been going well for her" even though she dumped me. Regardless of it destroying her to talk to me...which i dont even know if I want (don't need closure, I got that from myself). She also stated she gets apprehensive about running into me, and circled the block to see if my SUV was at the cafe before entering...still though, considering she was coming in to the place I WORK, to talk to friends she met through ME, what is this? (yes yes, I know I shouldnt be looking for meaning but still, Im looking). Anyways, Im going to run into her tonight. I want to set up the best chance for an EVENTUAL...years down the road...miniscule of a chance...first date with an entirely different person. So it feels like there's a delicate line between acting friendly and her thinking Im now a friend (ill never be just a friend), and being aloof/cold where I really dont want to be. Nonetheless, she did decide that her immediate life would be better without me in it so Im moving on, and if she ever wants to re-get to know ME...she'll have to extend that branch. Advice?! Im not one to overdo it with my life is so fabulous...yet I am happy now. Yes, fueled by the breakup but I dont want her to think Im happy because of the breakup. Your excellent wisdom is sought....
Author AtTheStart Posted April 12, 2014 Author Posted April 12, 2014 Anyone? Sorry, just looking for help!
sooshi Posted April 12, 2014 Posted April 12, 2014 I would suggest not going with the intention of setting up for eventual reconciliation. You also said you're moving on, but you have this intention as well, which likely means you're not moving on as you think you are. It sounds like you're doing well though.
smileforelena Posted April 12, 2014 Posted April 12, 2014 maybe if you just be whatever you feel and not over think what you want to happen or what could happen things will be just ok. what im getting from what you said its like you have thought so much about possibilities that it almost sounds like you are trying to convince yourself that you are ok. if you are then you are. you dont have to prove anything to her or anyone else. just be what you feel at the moment.
Author AtTheStart Posted April 12, 2014 Author Posted April 12, 2014 See I totally was / am considering not going...but it's the last time I could see a another friend before she moves. But yeah, I've tried accepting and working through the many hypothetical reasons it just got too much for her...so in that way have felt like I've been accepting it to heal. I agree though, that I am not over it yet. And do sort of dread seeing her, as sure she does me. And around in circles my mind goes! Haha, eeeeeeeh. :/ but yeah I already removed myself from a situation the other week so I wouldn't have to see her...I know no contact expedites healing the best but I also get resentful that I'm now having to go out of my way/ Change my life to accommodate. Arreerggf,,,, breakups!!!!
Author AtTheStart Posted April 14, 2014 Author Posted April 14, 2014 So we're both just in transitional points in our lives. It's exciting and terrifying at the same time. Classic mistakes were made that lost individual identity in a relationship that shouldn't have happened. Didnt realize until too late and it became too much/scary for her...and she's gone. I accept that. Really it's a blessing for me as well as I'm discovering who I am and my purpose. It's just painful...as there's this mutually known truth that we both will grow separately...into people who very well could reunite and complement each other. I realize for that to happen I need to accept she's never coming back and find love for myself so I can find the one who will love me. Im going to Belize in a couple months, by myself, to truly purge myself of the loss and help reveal me to myself. In truth, whoever I end up loving/loving me, I plan on taking them there in the future just show...I came here, to find me, so I'd be ready to find you. Yes, it's unfair to myself but I know know know...it is her, grown, that is my heart's will to be that person. So just like EVERYONE says...once I was accepting and actually moving on from the breakup (not healed yet but moving on, just one month out). I got a message... breadcrumbs, to ease her guilt as we've both talked to mutual friends, said "people have thought she's been cruel, she thinks about me everyday, misses me more than she can say, needs to know I can forgive her for this, but doesn't want to be in a relationship." Kinda upset me as yeah, it's not what I wanted to hear...but really sounded like she was just trying to appease her emotions ...so I know that I and her are both far from being the people we want to be...just currently in the afterlife of the relationship. I'd encourage anyone going through a breakup to check out Arcade Fire's video for Afterlife...the video is about losing a loved one to death...but really the lyrics are about a relationship dying and being present in that moment. It's scary how present I am in that moment, think others can relate. So I replied, really I'd like to know what you think I communicated through the reply...I recognize I transferred the power back to her...and Im alright with that. I apologize for the length but the sage wisdom of the board would be appreciated to help me find out where my head is at and what you think I communicated... "I don't know how to reply. I know I don't need to but sure want to...I realize that some mistakes were made that should have never been made. I wont beat myself up but just acknowledge them as they started a while ago that led us to "this". Since it did and I've realized they never should have happened with you I've only wanted to respect the space necessitated by it. Rest assured that I agree with not being in a relationship right now. That feels like a perception you could have regarding any reply you receive from me. Now it does hurt that you want to reach out regarding the perceptions of friends who hardly know us. What happens when we both talk to friends about something so impersonal to them...is they form their own opinions. That is for them to own, not you, not I. I stopped participating in that as I realized that. Really I'd love to listen to you. Not about the past but just who you are and who you're becoming. I don't know how to mollify anything you asked about how I feel about you when I dont know where my or your perceptions, thoughts, emotions are at. Things are just different now so of course that's been really good to me. I hope you can recognize that I could potentially perceive your message as simply an attempt to placate (*called it out! lol) but will choose to believe that isnt the case. But I guess I'll find out. If your need to know becomes a want to know within you, as it has for me as I do have that same curiosity, then by all means I'd love to find out. I won't hold my breath but at least will know you have the opportunity." So really, what do you think I communicated? Im kinda realizing I just shouldnt have replied but do you think anything I wrote damaged anything further? SORRY for the essay, I tried to break it up with paragraphs. Thank you for your valuable time reading and replying. I love you all!
Author AtTheStart Posted April 14, 2014 Author Posted April 14, 2014 I just feel like Im back to square one at times now...back in the sadness. I am hopeful!! Hopeful for ME. Just yeah feel back in the sadness.
zen2475 Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 While your reply was eloquent, you essentially let her off the hook and gave her what she sought - redemption. She made the choice. Whether or not you agree with it doesn't matter. Your response gave away your power, and essentially told her there are no negative consequences to her actions. 2
Author AtTheStart Posted April 14, 2014 Author Posted April 14, 2014 Could you expand on that? I feel like I told her that I cant even begin to process if I could ever forgive her as I dont know! But that's why Im asking here...for better understanding / clarification of how what I wrote is perceived.
zen2475 Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 Really all I got out of it was that you were agreeing to the break-up, but I saw nothing in it that said you would never forgive her. Rather, since you said in several different ways that you would be open to talking to her, regardless of the excuse, betrays any so-called feelings of not wanting to forgive. Rather, you have told her you have left the door wide open for her.
Thomas the Red Fox Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 Yeah... this is why people say stay NC. 2
TaraMaiden Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 Yeah... this is why people say stay NC. Yes, the whole point of No Contact is - *tah-daaaah!* No Contact!! You broke it. Yes, you. YOU broke it. as I have explained elsewhere, when someone breaks up with you, the dumpee, for the sake of their sanity and broken heart, should implement No Contact. Your ex could appear on your front lawn at 3am, doing but as long as you completely ignore it, No Contact, is still INtact. The moment you open the window' to yell "Cut the damn noise out, fer chrissakes!" - you have broken No Contact. This slip-up is on you. This is now, for you to face, man up to, and heal, within yourself. Breaking NC just leads to more soul-searching, heart-breaking non-closure questions. Big mistake. big. HUGE. Ok, start again: day 1 of No Contact. 1
Mr.Pine Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 You fooked up son. Big time. Lesson learned. Ghost yourself and attempt to reclaim your sack of nuttage.
Thomas the Red Fox Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 Ghost yourself This terminology has got to go, sounds so lame. But your message is accurate, none the less...
Author AtTheStart Posted April 14, 2014 Author Posted April 14, 2014 Well I did send another "hey, your message was for you...not me. If you cared deeply your actions would've shown it, not your words. So yeah, without some massive effort, how you've acted is completely unforgivable." To which I got hostility in reply...which makes me feel liberated. It was about her...she reached out to talk about how others were perceiving her...didn't at all care about how I took that." I said we're not texting anymore about this. So yep, I ****ed up. Day 1 of no contact and never looking back.
zen2475 Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 The fact that you had to send another text to drive your point home really gives away your power, I'm afraid to say. It makes you look desperate, if not somewhat pathological. The fact that you delight in her hostility speaks much about the dynamic between you and you as a person. Trust me, you have not won. You have failed yourself. I hope you do stay in NC and work on healing yourself. 1
Mr.Pine Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 This terminology has got to go, sounds so lame. But your message is accurate, none the less... Nothing is as lame as producing drekkus emails lamenting one's failed relationship.
Simon Phoenix Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 Yeah, you did that all wrong. The first response was bad enough, but the follow-up was worse. You should put your phone away and run some laps.
Babolat Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 I just saw on LinkedIn where my ex, and I was the dumpee, got a job promotion. I know it's a big deal to her as finances were a mess for her when we ended it, again. I want to say "Congrats", but I won't. I've been full blown NC for 6+ weeks now, and though I still want to see how she is doing (I sincerely care about her as a person), I don't contact her.
Author AtTheStart Posted April 14, 2014 Author Posted April 14, 2014 Look Im not a malevolent person...just I got agitated that she reached out to communicate about the perception of others. Clearly, Im human and not over this yet and analyzed the bread crumb...even that's why I felt liberated like, "well she got hostile so was just responding to me calling it out like I analyzed it." I just re-read the no-contact guide and I get it again. I shouldn't analyze, care, respond, or put weight into any contact from her. It just ended, I'm not bitter about that which is why my initiate message agreed with her. While yeah I care about her as a person (this should help the poster above me)...she doesn't want me taking an active care, and neither should I. Im getting that now. True no-contact.
zen2475 Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 You felt "liberated" because she reacted so vehemently to your response. You know dead dogs don't bark. That's an emotional reaction. Your "liberation" is actually elation because an evocative response is the exact opposite of apathy on her part, and now it gives you hope. You will be sourly disappointed when you probably don't hear from her again because of your second text. I'm sure you are not a malevolent person, but your actions (vis a vis your text) was malevolent. You are reacting from a place of extreme emotion. NC is the way to go from here on out, just so you can try to salvage and preserve your dignity.
Author AtTheStart Posted April 14, 2014 Author Posted April 14, 2014 Thank you Zen for you words. Really it does help me understand, well myself, relationships, but I guess to how I react. Im actually not "elated". I know that I won't be getting a response and yeah that does take a hit to my dignity that I did that. Clearly, for me, it was way too early and I should've NC'd regardless of how "centered" I felt I was getting...it obviously unhinged me. At least, yep, I know now that it'll remain in the past and at the least I won't do any further damage to me (via interacting with her) by living, breathing, and practicing NC. Really though, thank you again.
Simon Phoenix Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 Honestly, my rule of thumb is if you think you are ready to break No Contact, wait at least another 30 days to make sure that you are really ready to face it. If in those 30 days you have any sort of setback, then table any thoughts of reaching out.
Author AtTheStart Posted April 14, 2014 Author Posted April 14, 2014 So I actually did get a reply...she called me out that it was an emotional response. Anyways, then she said, "Look, lets just get through the semester and then we're getting together to talk" Im not holding my breath, know it could just be a crumb, won't allow myself to get friend-zoned and will NOT contact. But, oddly, I could see (with me healing and becoming a better person, her hopefully too) that the love we have for each other doesn't need to be possessive/greedy. While I might not be an active part of her life or her mine...doesn't change that there's love. Even if the love changed. Plus, in me news, actually going out on a date this weekend. Not going to get serious...just for the fun of it.
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted April 14, 2014 Posted April 14, 2014 So I actually did get a reply...she called me out that it was an emotional response. Anyways, then she said, "Look, lets just get through the semester and then we're getting together to talk" Im not holding my breath, know it could just be a crumb, won't allow myself to get friend-zoned and will NOT contact. But, oddly, I could see (with me healing and becoming a better person, her hopefully too) that the love we have for each other doesn't need to be possessive/greedy. While I might not be an active part of her life or her mine...doesn't change that there's love. Even if the love changed. Plus, in me news, actually going out on a date this weekend. Not going to get serious...just for the fun of it. This is cringe worthy... The "let's get thorough the semester and talk" means "I don't want to deal with it." Back burner type crap. You lost all kinds of attraction and power to the point that you are a burden at this point. You're shooting yourself in the foot for really no reason. You say you are fine, then write "doesnt change the fact that their is love" is very clearly you holding on to hope. If she really loved you, she'd still be there. Sucks, but true. Date sounds cool though
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